[ktm2004]

Hi everyone. I need some advice. Several months ago I was contacted by the agency that placed me who called to let me know my bmom had contacted them. I don't think she called to ask for a search but only to see what limited info they could give me. It was her first call to them since I was placed in the 1960's. Since my name was on their waiting list to have them help me with a search they called and asked if I was interested in making contact with her. I was totally freaked by all of this (see my prior post on the adoptee support forum for all the details) and I agreed to write the first letter. It took my a month of agonizing and tears to finally get that first letter written and sent off to the agency for delivery. In the letter I basically told her thanks for life, told her I'm having a great life, have a great afamily and that I did not resent her in any way, knew her decision was made out of love for me and that I respected and thanked her for her difficult choice. I gave her an overview of my childhood and life -- using only non-identifying info- and sent her abotu twenty photos form childhood to the present. The following week I recieved a short letter from her with a promise of a longer letter in the future. A month later I received a long letter from her with the much anticipated first photos. It has been a truly amazing and emotional process so far.

Now I'm writing back to her and have found that I am having a hard time figuring out just what to say to her. We are still in the non-identifying info stage. So I am wondering if anyone has advice on what sort of things I should be telling her in my letters. I don't want to ask a huge litany of questions because I don't want to overwhelm her and scare her off. She has never told her husband and children about me. I am just curious to know what bmoms really want to know from the kids they placed for adoption.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks, K

[Jennys birthmom]

What a hard time to be going through...being a bmom, I can say that just know that she loves you and always has.

You know what I want to know are silly little things like, what you like to eat, do you read, are your interests anything like mine, are you a well adjusted adult? Are you angry? Are you sad? Asking her questions might also opent he door up for her to feel comfortable in asking you questions, I hope that makes sense. I think that there is a deep sense of guilt and hurt when we think that maybe the child was not treated as they should have been in our eyes, those things are all good to know and what movies you like and do your write with your left or right hand? There are so many little things that I want to know. So for me the little things the everyday things that are important and part of who you are, those are important. I want to know my daughter and her likes and dislikes, her fears and her joys. That will be a hard thing to do but I am going to try. I get to go meet her tomorrow for the first time. I gave her up 8 years ago, so I am very excited. Just some thoughts on things she might like to know, oh yea and honesty on your feelings and thoughts will be the best thing for the healing process for the both of you.

Take care and good luck with the letter. Just remember she loves you, and you have always been her daughter.

[Sandy Sue]

Dear Ktm2004

As a birthmother who was reunited with my child about 2 years ago, after 31 years of not knowing, I want to know everything about her! I can honestly say that I was forced to give my child up for adoption, and if I had known then what I know now, I would have run away and taken her with me, rather than give her up! But I was young and dumb. I have regretted every minute of it. Obviously she wants to know about you, or she wouldn't have even contacted the agency. I know I contacted them almost every year, and sometimes more.

It is difficult at best to reunite with an adopted child, as the birth mother has to open a lot of old hurts, and has to face the fact that the adoptee may not want to even know her at all. It is really scary because you never forget your child, that is your child forever, but you have gone on with your life. In my case my children (I'm divorced) and my parents knew about the child, but my siblings and the rest of the family didn't. It was really a stressful time for me!

First and foremost I wanted to know what kind of life my child had. I had worried for 30 years about her life and if she was loved and treated well. I had heard horror stories about adopted children and how badly they were treated.

Does she hate me for giving her up? Can we have a relationship of any kind? This is a real doozy for me because I really want her in my life, but I am afraid to push her too hard. We are in the stage where we are trying to develop a relationship that works and I am afraid that she will back off again if I try to make too many moves to make her a full fledged member of our family. But that is what I truly want. I want her to know her sisters, I have 2 girls other than her, and her father has 2 girls other than her, he doesn't acknowledge her in any way. I want to know how that makes her feel.

I wanted to know what she looks like, what she thinks about, is she well adjusted, what are her hobbies, is she anything like me, like her father. What does she do for a living. Do I have any grandchildren? How is her health?

Does she have any siblings, what are they? What is her relationship with the adoptive parents.

As you can see I want to know everything I can about her, just what makes her the person she is, what makes her tick!

I really believe that the more people we have in our lives to love, the more love we will receive.

I wish you much love from both your birthfamily and your adopted family for the rest of your life! Keep us posted as your reunion progresses!

[Jannyroo]

[quote=ktm2004]. I gave her an overview of my childhood and life -- Now I'm writing back to her and have found that I am having a hard time figuring out just what to say to her.

Just be who you are and be honest. I was advised not to "burn" my son with any painful memories and it is good advice that works both ways. I've enjoyed small talk over the email, something as sweet as just goodnight and thinking of you. Sometimes you will find lots to talk about, other times you will dry up. I'm into 5 months reunion with my 28yr son and I dry up all the time, sometimes I think I'm talking to myself!!! But initially, a lot of exchange I found great, its tapered off a bit now, to maybe once every 2 weeks, but what works for us, we have had to find out together. Its good to go at a slow pace, cards with a thinking of you is nice, I chose cards that represent something special in my life, like a scene of a beach I used to frequent or a picture of a shark (my favourite subject!!! ). Being open with emotions I found a good thing and he felt he could be open with me too. Some might find that scary. I just think that after the "light" stuff, you may both be wanting something a little more deeper, like how meeting her/writing her/finding her makes you feel, something a bit of lighthearted e.g. I said "you have such a young looking mum for 49 yrs, don'tcha just know, ha ha". Try not to inhibit yourself too much, just try a bit and see what response you get. It is a suck it and see and you will both be terrified of saying the wrong thing, but take courage! and be true to yourself, kind, and pretty much what you want to hear, she will want to hear, as we mirror each others emotions. Hope this helps, but keep posting!

[Scorpio66]

As a bmom, I can say I was thrilled just to her that she's alive and thriving! I received info from my daughter's adad and spoke with him for the first time about a month ago. I still have had no contact from my beautiful angel, so at this point would be glad for any part of herself she would be willing to share. What's her favorite color, food, her hobbies, musical taste. Has she traveled, and if so, where? Of course there would be many more things, that could take me days to list, but basically, I would just hope that once she does start communicating, she would feel comfortable enough to continue to communicate more about herself to me.

I think what you're doing is wonderful and hope that it ends up being a positive experience for you regardless of the outcome.

Happy Holidays and Best of Luck!

[keds]

Hi there, I wanted to ask everyone when you would share that you wished you never had placed your son/daughter for adoption. I was contacted earlier in the year that my bson wanted to make contact, something I had hoped and prayed for the last 26 years. We've exchanged a few letters but both of us have very demanding jobs and we live about 7 hours apart so I've tried to tone done my emotions for fear of coming on too strong but now I'm afraid that it may seem that I don't care. What do you say??? I'm very patient and know it will take some time to get to know each other but I'm afraid that he may think that I'm not interested, which couldn't be farther from the truth. His mom and dad divorced when he was young and his dad remarried and now has a daughter with his new wife. Not the life I had envisioned for him and adds to my heartache but they all sound like wonderful people and he's very successful and says he's had a good life. I married his birthfather and we have 2 wonderful kids (late teens). My husband never wanted to tell the other kids but I told him when they turned 18 I was going to tell them, even if we hadn't heard from my son. My oldest is 18 in April and my bson has already said he wants to meet the kids. We're away this Christmas and I thought it would be a great gift - they're very compassionate and I'm sure it will be difficult but I want them to know as it's been too hard keeping it to myself. The main issue is I'm torn between telling him that I would have made a different choice. How much do you share?? I know his life would be very different had I raised him and I know that his bfather and I wouldn't have lasted so I wouldn't have been blessed with my other kids. I would welcome any comments as I wanted to send him a small gift for Christmas and thought I might "reveal all" and start the new year off with a clean slate. I'm holding back on sending too many letters - birthday, major holidays only as I know how busy he is with his job, family, girlfriend so I don't think he needs me putting any more demands on him. I figure we'll get together sometime next year but he may be holding back as well. Another issue, about five years ago I was getting harassing phone calls from an ex-business associate and which eventually involved the authorities. There was one call that came later in the evening and at first I thought it sounded like my husband but he was at home. I was pretty cold and the conversation only lasted for a minute or two and I thought the usual stream of obscenities would start but when I asked who it was the person hung up. To this day, I feel in my gut that it was him. Another heartwrenching mistake. I want to ask but I'm afraid of the answer! I'm pretty level headed but right now I don't know what to do. Any help or suggestions would be great. Thanks!