[bmomliz16]

I posted this in a different forum and haven't heard anything so I'll try here to see if anyone has any advice.

I am a birthmother of a 16-year-old beautiful girl who has just recently decided to have contact, along with amom. We have been emailing, chatting, and I've talked to her mom on the phone.

Here's the deal. I've been married for 12 years to a man who said he accepted me no matter what, no problem. He may have looked at me a little sideways when adoption was mentioned in any way, but never said anything. All in all, I pretty much buried it. I was 16 when it happened and it was a closed adoption, pretty much told to go on, it never happened, and deny, deny, deny. Anyway, now that contact has been initiated and we are in the "getting to know you phase", he acts like he could care less. This is probably one of the most important things that has happened in my life. I want to share my emails, tell him about her, tell her what I told her. I just want to get out from under this long-term "secret" once and for all. The day I got the phone call from the amom this enormous weight came off my shoulders for the first time in so long. It felt so good to finally get it out and discuss it. My husband doesn't really want to tell family (especially his) or our children (11 and 7). He avoids it all. I told him about that first phone call in 16 years and he asked about the bank account. That's it.

Obviously, he is not the birthfather. I have had no contact with the birthfather nor do I need/want to. People change. I hope that our daughter can have a relationship with him if she chooses to, but that does not involve me. Is this what is bothering him or is he just cold? He makes me feel like I should still be ashamed of this horrible secret of mine. So now I feel like I never should have done this to him. It's not his fault and I'm dragging him into a situation that he does not deserve to be in. Again, with the tremendous guilt and shame. I feel like I'm tippy-toeing around everyone to make everyone else feel comfortable and happy and I'm losing myself in the process. Without my husband to talk to, what else do I have. I haven't felt this alone since I found out I was pregnant with her 16 years ago. I can't turn my back on her and I will not, this is not about me this is about her and it always will be. But a shoulder to cry on at night would be nice.

Any thoughts on this one guys?!

[numbr1dbcksfan]

Have you asked your husband why he doesnt want to talk about it.....said...I feel so alone and I need you to talk to.... Im not sure anyone here can say if he seems cold or not..... ((Hugs)) I hope things get better!

[juno6127]

did your husband know about the baby before you got married? don't let him make you feel guilty, all of us bmoms here know that it is the hardest decision in the world to make and the most unselfish choice!! you should do what you think is right and if he can't deal with it, so be it. if you want to tell your other children, they have every right to know. i have a sister who was adopted at birth and she just found us 7 years ago. i didn't know about her until i was having my own baby, ready to give him up. my other siblings didn't know until my sister found us. your other children are young, they can more than likely handle it better now than when they are older. i am in the process of finding a good time to tell my children because my son will be 18 this year and i want to find him. why does your husband not want to tell his family? does he think they will judge you? it sounds like he is judging you, and that is just wrong. you need to talk to him about this, if nothing else suggest counceling to help both of you through this process. sometimes people just don't know how to express the way they are feeling and you need to ask your husband about his feelings. i wish you luck, sounds like you are in a tough situation. i'm sorry that your reunion hasn't been the best that it should be. (((( hugs )))) all the best, whatever is meant to be, will.

[kersey19]

I reunited with my 21 year old daugher in December. My husband (of 19 years) knew about her when we started dating seriously ... so he's known for more than 20 years. He initially struggled because we were now going to have to share "my secret". We had to tell his parents (my daugher grew up in his hometown so he didn't have a choice) and now many of his friends would know. He went to counseling in those first few weeks to sort out feelings of anger at me for having had a child with another man.

He has been very involved and supportive since those first few days after "the call". He adores my daughter -- they have a great relationship. However, whenever issues related to her bfather come up my husband shuts down. He's getting better but this is still an issue.

He also struggles from time to time with not having my undevoted attention. We don't have other children -- and my daughter is spending the summer with us.

I am getting to a point -- your husband may be jealous of the excitement you have in meeting your daughter, he may fear you will devote more time to her than your own children, he may be angry with you, he may not be any of the above and just not know how to respond to you right now -- but the only way you will know is to tell him the way you are feeling and asking him why he seems uninterested. Communication was the key for us -- it's not easy, at times it is painful and upsetting -- but it has helped us through.

Good luck -- none of this is easy and there is no manual!

PS One more thing -- don't let your husband or anyone else make you feel guilty. 16 years ago you took the road less traveled. You gave life to your daughter AND you blessed a family with her. For too many years I beat myself up for my "situation" -- today I am proud of what I did AND I am proud of my daughter.

[Juscuz]

I so feel for you, 2 years ago I was in the same boat. My husband had basically told me he didn't want to deal with it, didn't know how to deal with it, and refused to deal with it, although for 23 years he had known about my "secret". We too had gone to counseling, so HE could learn to accept this and move on. That if I were as important to him as he says, this should be acceptable too, it wasn't.

When my bson and my kids (3 of them) from my husband reunited 2 years ago, I was walking on cloud 9, but I couldn't share that excitement with him so I basically excluded him from any thoughts. I shared with others who genuienly cared - my parents, my friends. So when we went to the reunion, he didn't come. That was probably the best decision I could have made.

2 years later, and though my communication with my bson has come to a few phone calls every other month or so, I accept that, but my bsons name is never brought up with my husband. Though he's not a "secret" anymore, it's not a subject I broach with him. Sad as that may seem, I guess I've learned to deal with it and move on.

His reason is being, he can't see me being with another man - even though it was ages ago. I don't push the issue, but I don't feel guilty when I talk to my bson either.

I hope your husband comes around to support you, we all need this in our life.

[dljamir]

I can relate to your dilema. My husband has known about my son right from the beginning, I gave him an out before things got to serious. We were married 21 years when I received a letter telling me he was searching for me.

My husband told me that whatever I wanted to do regarding the letter he would support me 100%. It took me a year to decide. We have been in reunion for almost 2 years now.

When we started the journey, my husband was angry, wouldn't talk to me and when I asked him, he really didn't know why and that upset him more I think than what was happening. He was concerned about our children (and his mother,still doesn't know).

However our children (19,23) husband, and my family all have a good relationship with bson. It really does work out!!

My only advice would be to keep taking.It's so easy to keep eveything in,years of hiding make us great at keeping things to ourselves and don't give up. No matter what, we do have the right to a relationship with our children, all of them.

Debbie
Mom23k's

[bmom0323]

Just wondered if anyone else had experienced having all of the wonderful emotions related to contact with a bchild dampened by their husband's response to the situation. My husband knew about my "sordid" past (his opinion) but never thought I'd have any contact with my bson. We have recently found each other and my mother and sister along with the a-parents are all very excited to meet. My bson's a-mom actually encouraged him to try to find me and through e-mails we all seem to get along great. My bson is 24, he wants nothing from me other than to know me, and he and his a-parents are flying out to meet me in a month. They are excited to meet my entire family. My husband (who is adopted himself and has no desire to meet his bparents) can't understand why I don't "leave the past in the past". He understands that I would be curious about my bson but feels that I am only trying to get over feelings of guilt by meeting him. He has told me that he has no desire to meet them and doesn't want them to meet our 6 yr. old son or be anywhere near our house. His main concern (which he freely admits) is that someone will find out and think differently of me (and him). He keeps telling me that what happened was not something to be proud of but something I should be very ashamed of. I used to have lots of feelings of shame and guilt but time (and just having contact with my bson) has helped me get over many of those feelings. I feel that he is being very unreasonable and he feels that I am showing no respect for him or his feelings by pursuing this relationship. I'm curious what others think and if any are in similar situations. (I have suggested counseling and he refuses - although he does think I need it, as I seem to have lost my mind!)

[keds]

Hi everyone, I'm in a bit different situation in that I married the bdad and we have 2 other children. Our bson contacted me last May and we corresponded for a year and met this past July. I've been "sneaking" around staying at hotels and driving all over the country to meet him and we're enjoying our reunion - taking it slowly. My other kids are anxious to meet him but they have other issues right now so we're hoping for Christmas - besides him and I need to make sure we're in good shape before adding others into the mix. My husband wants nothing to do with him. His words, not mine. He doesn't want to see photos, write to him, meet him, etc. I have a feeling this relates to his parents reaction to the pregnancy 27 years ago and how once we placed him nobody was allowed to speak of him again. I promised I would wait until our oldest was 18 (last April) before telling her, which I regret but the three of us are so happy he is looking for a relationship. The reunion has been hampered a bit by his attitude and has caused us some grief in our relationship but as time has gone by he realizes that this isn't about him or me but about our bson. There is some indication that he may come around after his parents have passed away. In the meantime, I am NOT going to allow anyone to keep us separated again although I do feel like I'm having some kind of illicit affair and the hotel clerks often stare as I am checking in and being met by a good looking young man almost 1/2 my age. I did slip up once as very good friends of my husband's parents "caught" me at the hotel a few weeks ago but my bson handled the situation perfectly (although I was dying to introduce him properly!). As the others have said, nobody is going to make me feel guilty and I am entitled to a healthy, loving relationship will all my children. Hugs to all.

[quantum]

I'm lucky in that my husband is supportive and is welcoming my bson into our lives (as much as he can be with distance etc).

I get weird feelings from my parents. My mom makes comments like 'oh no I hope when you tell your in-laws that they don't judge ME' (huh?)

I guess my advice would be (and I should take it myself) is do what you need to do as far as your birthchild. None of us have anything to be ashamed of! I'm tired of living with any 'shame' it's unnecessary.
If my husband did have problems with it, I would definately reassure him that I've got plenty of love for him and our children as well.

Do you think for some guys the issue is that we weren't virgins when we married them? I mean they knew but having the child there makes it more public, kwim?

[keds]

Hi Quantum, I never thought of it that way - interesting. My husband is the bdad so he knew I wasn't when we were married but he has lots of issues with his friends. We moved from our "hometown" almost 20 years ago so our circle of friends is unaware of our "past". I'm no longer ashamed and if asked, I will tell them (I always figured somebody could come up to me at any time and ask anyway but my husband went away to university so he wasn't exposed to the gossip). Unfortunately he does have friends that are judgmental and may decide not to associate with us anymore (their loss!). I was asked who my bson was and he responded by saying that I was at the hospital when he was born. Truthful but evasive. I am hoping one day he is comfortable enough for me to introduce me as my "son".

I don't understand your mom's comment about your in-laws although she sounds like mine who always feels people look at her differently depending on the success of her children. Odd but a different generation.

Have a great weekend!

[kune]

bmom0323 Keds and Quantum

Mmmm......hell hath no fury like a woman scorned!!!! My hubby would know better!!!! And he's not the bfather but is actively involved in our reunion.

I think you all know that whether the men in your lives are the birthfather or not, your relationship with your bson is one you choose to persue and......there is nothing they can do to stop you. It's the mothering instinct that finally has a chance to show itself and it would need to be a brave man who would stand between you.

bmom.... I'd question whether your husbands see your relationship as a 50/50 partnership?

He has told me that he has no desire to meet them and doesn't want them to meet our 6 yr. old son or be anywhere near our house. His main concern (which he freely admits) is that someone will find out and think differently of me (and him). He keeps telling me that what happened was not something to be proud of but something I should be very ashamed of.

That's verbal B***S**T and my husband would be making his own dinners, doing his own laundry and sleeping in the single bed if he said those words to me. Don't allow him to devalue this opportunity - if he does not want to be part of it....that's his problem but he needs to respect you as a person and respect your right to a relationship with your child. Marriage is all about respect and personal dignity - not disrespect and trying to bring partners to their knees.

Quantum - I understand the parent thing. I think you know that my bson was a secret that only my husband and the bfather knew. When he contacted me I told everyone. Mum included. Her response.....I'm glad you didn't let on at the time...I would never have been able to lift my head up. Now...where do they come from? Was it her pregnancy? Was she the sinner?? Strange!!!!!!

Keds - Hubby will catch on that this is going to happen with him....or without.

I was at the hospital when he was born.

hahah..he wasn't telling a lie...
I have just spent a weekend with bson. He introduces me by ..Ann..and defines me as his friend, but after a bottle or two of wine and a few beers he was freely telling everyone at the bar that I was his mother. Mmmm....I thought it was lovely.....he was embarassed the next morning but at least it lets me know that he acknowledges the connection (even if it is only spoken in drunk moments).

Good weekend thoughts.

Ann

[keds]

Hi Ann - great post! My daughter sent her dad an e-mail saying that her and her sister and I were moving ahead with the reunion and he could be a part of it or not but she hoped that he would come around - there are signs that he's trying. I have to admit that after a few glasses of wine I tend to be a little more relaxed and not give a hoot what people think so I've stuck with coffee and water around my bson so I don't embarrass him but I can't wait for the day (if it comes) when he is ready to call me something other than my given name.

I hope everyone had a great weekend and I hope to see my bson again in a week or two. All the best!

[bmom0323]

kune-

I feel exactly the same way as far as he should be able to at least respect my right to get to know my bson even if he doesn't agree with it - it's just nice to hear someone else say it!!

[kune]

bmom ....

My husband (who is adopted himself and has no desire to meet his bparents) can't understand why I don't "leave the past in the past". He understands that I would be curious about my bson but feels that I am only trying to get over feelings of guilt by meeting him

I think he is probably dealing with his own thoughts on his adoption and projecting the thoughts he thinks his natural mother would haveonto you. In some ways I feel very sad for him. Yes, his bmother probably does have some guilt issues, but so does he I feel. Guilt and envy.....envy that you have a happy and positive reaction to your bson and he still has no resolution to his adoption dillemma.

How about leaving a book or two around the house..... Like Journey of the Adopted Self? It would be good for you to read too...to see what your bson may have gone through and to understand their need to finalise WHO THEY REALLY ARE. (Just a suggestion!!)

Another thing worth remembering is you can't change or control anyone else - but you can change how you feel. I found it incredibly difficult telling my hubby that I wanted to meet bson on my own. I didn't want to be worried how he would react to my reactions and I didn't want a "minder" there. I wanted it to be one on one....and because of your husband's non-participation, you will have it all to yourself. I understand it's not the optimum as he's the bfather, but there is a "silver lining".

Keep posting bmom.....I want to know how this works out for you. You have my cyber support and I know others here will help you to make this connection a good one.

Ann