[Sabra]

Hello:

Do you happen to be in reunion with your relinquished child?

What emotions and situations has this caused for you?

Is it difficult to know how much contact and the boundaries in the relationship?

What are you finding the easiest? What are you finding the most difficult?

There are no right or wrong answers. Please share.

Warm regards,

[patrisha]

Hi Sabra,

I am 2 years into reunion with my 33 year old son. The emotional roller coaster of the first year has smoothed out a little for us but here goes....

"What emotions and situations has this caused for you?

I'd need a book to answer this one. I think seeing my son and daughter arm in arm in a picture, as they always should have been, was the most emotional moment for me.

"Is it difficult to know how much contact and the boundaries in the relationship?"

We have done pretty well so far but it's still a work in progress. We take one day at a time and just let the relationship develop. Can't change the past anyway so no point in rehashing "what might have been". We're both adult enough to realize that I won't be the person that comes to mind when he thinks of "mom", and I probably won't ever feel as "motherly" to him as I do to my daughter that I raised.

"What are you finding the easiest? What are you finding the most difficult?"

Spoiling him now is definately the easiest, trying not to offer too much "motherly" advise is definately the challenge.

Trish

[Stephaniesbmom]

Sabra,

I talked to my 19 year old daughter on the phone beginning in Jan 2003, we met face to face March 23.

To give you a little background, I agreed to what I thought was an "open adoption" back in 1983 and just took what I got for all those years. I ended up with a total of 7 pictures and 3 letters from her adoptive mother, finally she turned 18!!! I knew she opened her file. Her mother said that she was "too emotional" and was not ready to meet me, wait until after the holidays...then wait until after she graduates...then maybe this summer we can meet...well her 19th birthday rolled around again in November and I lost it! I had to find her. With some help from some search angels, I had her phone number and address within a month! (I waited again until after the holidays...but then I called)

Turned out that she wasn't too emotional to meet me...(What a relief!) she just doesn't talk to her parents much about adoption. She is very busy and really doesn't feel a strong need to know me yet. She stated that she just wants to take things slow. Unfortunately, my need to meet her was very strong! We set up a time during spring break to meet and she just about backed out...but didn't. It was very nice to see her and know that she is REAL! Those few hours were the most peace I have had in my life since she was born!

Now I am trying to back off and let her absorb. We had agreed prior to meeting that it was ok if I called once a week, but since we met...I haven't called and neither has she. I wrote her a short note telling her how wonderful it was to see her. I also sent an Easter card last week. The hard part now is waiting, and wondering what is going on with her.

She is still young and has lots of other things going on. I am trying to understand all of this. I hope that when I do call again, that we can continue to build on this relationship. I don't know what "slow" is...but I am doing my best to abide by it.

As for what do I find the easiest...to freely think and talk about her openly! So many years she was a quiet secret. What I find the hardest is not calling her all the time and making excuses to see her.

I hope to hear from others that are further along than I am. Maybe they can help me to avoid some of the pitfalls along the way if I can!

Great idea for a thread...Thank you Sabra!

Chris

[wmnsprtfan]

Wow, where did the past 13 years go?? First let me explain a bit about me. I seem to be in an unusual situation. In all of my research I have found no instances such as mine. I am Birthmom to 3 wonderful children whom I relinquished when they were ages 5 1/2, 4, and 3 1/2. This was voluntary on my part and I picked out the family. I insisted on a n open adoption and have known from day one their address and phone number. I have visited the A-Mom and she I during our 13 years together. During this time I have not had any contact with the kids, it has all been through the A-Mom.

1 1/2 years ago our oldest (then 16 1/2) ran away from her home. We all decided I would try to get in touch with her to make sure she was ok. We talked for a few weeks and she finally turned herself in. During her time away accusations came out about her abusing her siblings. This all went to court and she was remanded to foster care. Once she turned in and was in Juvie and foster care we were no longer allowed to contact each other.

Fast forward to current time. She is still in foster care and is turning 18 on May 10. We have been back in contact for about the past month, with permission from her A-Mom. At one point several years ago we talked about meeting all 3 kids together however, given the circumstances with the other kids and her this is not going to happen. However I have a flight up there on May 9 to meet with her. I have no idea what is going to happen. This has been a ride from day one and it has taken all sorts of twists and turns along the way. Im just really not sure what to expect from any involved. It is both scary and exciting. I have not slept in a few weeks and dont anticipate it getting any better.

I will post with my story upon my return. Any ideas, advice, words of wisdom................

Lauren

[Carol Bird]

To Chris and Wmn:

Let me begin by saying that I too yearned to hold my daughter in my arms again. I vowed that the day she turned 21 I would open all doors to my identity.
She turned 21 in 1975 ... 11 years later, after giving up hope of reunion, she phoned. She was 32 years old and had given birth to her first child - a girl - just five months earlier.

When Susan and I reunited she told me that she made an attempt to find me when she was 18, but got side-tracked.
Eighteen is a busy time in a kid's life. Their lives are really moving into the fast lane ... high school graduation, college, studying, career, family life, dating, and, in general, discovering life.

REUNION IS A HIGHLY EMOTION EXPERIENCE that tends to take ALL of your being ... the ups and downs, push and pulls can be unnerving and can even be damaging to a child.

She said that once again when she was around 25 she had the urge to find me, but she was changing careers at the time and was working on her Master's Degree; and once again she delayed the search.

REUNION SOMETIMES TAKES TIME AND PREPARATION. We need time to think about what we're looking for. What kind of relationship do we want with our birthfamily? WHY do we feel a need to know them?

Her parents were a wonderful, loving, supportive couple who were looking forward to knowing me one day. They had no objections to reunion.

It was when she became pregnant and felt my first granddaughter stirring, that she began to feel a strong urge to meet the woman who conceived and gave birth to her.

As fate would have it, it was her Mom who started the ball rolling. Her Mom and Dad had retired to Florida and my daughter and son in law were living in Washington, DC. One morning, when my first granddaughter was 5 months old, the phone rang. the caller was my daughter's Mom, urging her to turn on a TV talk show, that, at that moment was featuring Adoption Reunions.

My daughter called the phone number they gave on the program, requested a registration form, filled it out and returned it...and within days received a phone call telling her they had a "Match" (it was the International Soundex Reunion Registry (not on line), the oldest Reunion Registry in the world. YEP, I was registered there since she was 21.

Today that five month old granddaughter is looking forward to her 17th birthday in August and her little sister turned 15 this past Feb.

My daughter and son in law, not both 49, live in Michigan (I'm in Florida). I had 17 years of knowing two of the most wonderful, loving, understanding Adoptive Parents in the world ... and will cherish memories of them through eternity. Her Mom died last Julyat the ripe age of 85, and her delightful Dad, who would have been 97 in June, died just this past March. The world has lost two of God's Earthbound Angels.

My daughter said in most cases 18 and even 25 are far too young for the stressful roller coaster ride we call Reunion. She was well prepared, having a degree in psychology and tons of good common sense.

It wasn't easy for me, but as I look back now I realize that God had a purpose in selecting the time of our Reunion. In spite of all the support and reading and love, we still had our problems early on in our reunion. The first few years were quite a ride.

Believe me, it is worth waiting for. Be patient and let your child grow up. Let her/him prepare for LIFE. Let them experience life independently before jumping into reunion.

Get a copy of The ADOPTION REUNION SURVIVAL GUIDE, by Julie Bailey and Lynn Giddens, and Marlou Russell's ADOPTION WISDOM. I believe both are in the book shop here at http://www.adoption.com

Also, print out a copy of THE TOP TEN WAYS TO A HAPPY REUNION and
REUNION SOCIALIZATION from our library at http://www.adoptionlibrary.com

There are some wonderful books and articles to help guide you. Use your "waiting time" preparing for the Reunion that will come in a couple of years.

And ... try to build a good relationship with your child's adoptive parents ... There must be more like Sylvia and Harold in this world; you'll be all the richer from knowing them.

Love and Hugs and GOOD LUCK,
Carol Bird

[Stephaniesbmom]

Carol,

I have to tell you that I am a fan of yours. I have read your articles and have been touched by your insight. Thank you for your input. I agree that God has a hand in reunions and that what ever time things happen they do so for a reason.

I know that reunions are a huge emotional rollercoaster and that they are very hard on all members of the triad...especially the adoptee. I have to admit that I have felt selfish by pushing my needs to meet my daughter in front of her needs to grow up. But at the same time, am I being unreasonable to ask for a few moments of her time occasionally while she is doing so? Would that be "damaging" to my child?

I have been coming on this forum to educate myself as much as I can about adoption. Seems silly since I have been living this heartache for 19+ years. My other concern is that there will always be an excuse not to build our relationship. When will she not be too busy, too emotional, too pressed for time? If I can be a distant observer while she is forming her life, where is the harm? I also want to be readily available if for her. She may need some answers from me. Does this seem cruel or just plain self serving?

Sabra, I guess there are a few more emotions that come with this reunion stuff as things go along. Trying not to feel guilty for wanting more contact. Trying to respect another's need for space...knowing what is too much and what is not enough is difficult. I have asked my daughter if once a week is too often to call and she said no...she likes talking to me...but then she never takes the initiative to call me. I don't know if I should read more into that or go ahead and call again the next week. Fun...isn't it!


Chris

[Carol Bird]

You've already made contact, so you just take it from there. I know what it's like to want to reach out and touch your child. God, I want the same and I had to learn to step back for fear of suffocating her.

Chris, I was being frank with you; I have several birthmom friends who tried to reunite when their daughter or son was 19 or under and today they are basket cases...the kids are too busy to give the birthmom the attention she hungers for, and then they feel guilty about it.

I was calling my daughter, who was 32 when she connected with me, every Sunday ... there would be stretches of silence and after about two minutes there was nothing to talk about. One day she said, You know, Carol, we really don't have that much to talk about on the phone ... we haven't built a "history" together yet.

I was crushed, but later I understood what she was saying ... it was true... both susan and I enjoy writing letters, though. As the granddaughters grew up our connections were more frequent and warmer and longer.

NOW THEY ARE TEENAGERS ... and I feel much like you're feeling right now.
After all those years of closeness with them, they are running loose in TEEN-DOM, and now I have to be patient while THEY grow up.

We have to let them have their lives without laying a guilt thing on them.
What do you have to say to your daughter every week? Aside from, "I love you" and "what are you doing in your life?" Generally it is just a rehash of a rehash.

A cute little card, photos, maybe a book now and then, and one or two calls a month are enough until SHE takes up the slack.

Just understand, Chris. She has a Mom and Dad; they've been an important part of her life ALL of her life. You are her first mother; her birthmother, and will have to create a place in her life once you both get to know one another.

Take it slowly, don't rush; don't make impossible demands; don't expect to be "Mom". Try to get to know HER A-parents (and refer always to them as your Mom and Dad).

Be PATIENT. Of Course she'll say a call once a week is okay ... she doesn't want to hurt you any more than you've been hurt by the separation. Sometimes we lay too much of a load on our kids. We SAY we don't want to interfere in their lives, but there's a big difference between words and actions.

I want my daughter in my live more than anything in the world ... that's why I stepped back and turned the "reins" over to her early on. It worked out very well, and we've shared 17 years so far.

That's really all I can offer you. Step carefully and be patient. She is in your life, and she will find room for you in her life as time passes.

Love and Hugs, Carol

[Stephaniesbmom]

Carol,

I hear you, thanks for your input! I will continue to back off...

Chris

[jenkoj]

Do you happen to be in reunion with your relinquished child? YES

What emotions and situations has this caused for you? Very strong hard emotions for me and my husband, the b-father, have had to deal with. I searched for my son upon his 18th birthday because I just had to know how he was, what he looked liked, etc. It was a very dissapointing reunion to find out that he did not have the happy home growing up that I so much wanted for him and truly believed in. The a-parents divorced and in the process neglected him emotionally and physically. The "new baby" wore off and he was not wanted anymore from the time he was about 5 yrs old. Of course no one ever searched for me like they should have. Instead he was shuffled around to group homes and placed in CPS custody.

Is it difficult to know how much contact and the boundaries in the relationship? We can have as much contact as wanted because he is of age to make those decisions. But I find myself distancing those visits with him because he is so emotionaly torn up that I am overcome with guilt. Although he is 18 his mentality is that of a 12 yr old and I lose patience quickly. And don't know what to do for him. I feel like our reunion was for two different reasons. Mine to get to know him and for a relationship, and his was for a scapegoat, a b-mom to take over his life and give him all the things he never recieved in the adoptive home. He finds me as a person that robbed him of a normal childhood and he sees me as abandoning him to a life or torment. He does not accept the fact that I went on to have another child after him.

What are you finding the easiest? What are you finding the most difficult? The most difficult is to blame the a-parents for the way they treated my son and their lack of concern over him. I even went so far as considering a lawsuit that they did not hold up their end of the bargain upon adoption. I want so desperatly to lash out at them and give them an earfull. I beleive my son suffers from an attachment disorder and therfore that is also difficult to deal with. The easiest part about the reunion is that we have an open relationship that I leave the door open for him to contact me when he wants and that I do not have to consult the a-parents on anything.

[Savery]

My son's adoptive mother passed away last November. We had been in close contact over the years with a promise to meet "when the time was right". My son turned 18 in March and has been living with his aunt. I've received one letter from her saying she had not known of the closeness her sister and I had had and that she had not given my son any of my letters. She said "maybe after he turns 18", then "maybe after he graduates". He graduated last week and I want desperately to hear from him. Through bits of information from the aunt, adoption agency, and what his mother has told me over the years, I have been able to figure out who my son is and what town he lives in. It's all I can do not to contact him. I want so much just to hug him and let him know that my heart has broken for his loss, and mine too for I will never meet the woman who I trusted to raise my son. I'm not sure what the aunt has or hasn't done with my letters, cards, etc. Over the years, according to his mother's letters, he has wanted to contact me and to meet his full brother, etc. How long do I need to wait? Thanks for any thoughts.

[Mary RamireZ]

I know a birthmother that was killed when son was 22 she made contact when he was 18 if she waited till he was 25 they would have never met. There is no right age for a reunion. I am told that male adopte search at age 30s I have a birthson that gradutioned from UCLA . I was at his gradution and I plan to make contact with his adoptive mother as I am unable to his adress
by for now
Mary Ramirez

[Jackiejdajda]

>Chris wrote.
> I don't know if I should read more into that or go ahead and call again the next week. Fun...isn't it!

Recently I have been trying to wrap my brain around the understanding that we can not get it back again.. Our kids were gone from us when we signed those papers.

I ask the question.. "What do they owe us?"

I am sure some are deeply resentful that we gave them away.. And some do not want to understand the pressure we were under to relinquish..

It hurts when I think this way.. It hurts when I believe that my son really does not have any emotional ties to me.. But I do not know the truth here..

Accept what we can not change.. Powerful powerful words..

Jackie

[magan]

The son I placed for adoption and I found each other through this website, were instant messaging/e-mailing for a few weeks when I finally got the courage to tell him his birthfather had died. Since then there has been little if no response from him. Have no idea what he's feeling. I am trying to get medical records for him - BF had nothing - there was no 'executor' of his estate so am having to go through courts to get access to these. It is a very slow process -
Many mixed emotions when I first found him - what will he expect - will he be disappointed - had to tell my daughters - they're fine with it. Ready to meet, but am sooooo scared! We both have been very careful in releasing any location or identifying information other than info to confirm we are a match. I am ready to send him everything, but again concern over fact that I have not heard from him.

[Carol Bird]

I suggest that you take time out to learn more about Adoptee issues, Megan. I think this is only a temporary lull in the Reunion. The young man (how old is he?) is very likely taking time out to process what he has learned. Many male adoptees show strong interest in meeting the birthfather early on in Reunion, while others couldn't care less. It's the birthmother they want to bond with.

Don't get depressed. Take this time to read some helpful books and articles on Reunion so you understand the kind of emotions you both will be experiencing.

Get a copy of the ADOPTION REUNION SURVIVAL GUIDE by Bailey & Giddens (it's in the bookshop on this site, or you can order from Amazon, or a local chain bookstore. This really offers helpful advice.

There are articles in the Adoption Library: http://www.adoption.com
and in the Archives of the weekly newsmagazine ADOPTION WEEK, published once a week (Tuesday) by Adoption.Com http://www.adoptionweek.com/showarticles.php

There are some good support groups, and the Chats and Forums on this site can be very helpful.

Also check out http://www.adoptioncrossroads.org

Be patient and be informed...keep the link to your son active. Send an e-greeting card now and then and a newsy email. Tell him his sibs are anxious to meet him, etc. But DON'T OVERWHELM HIM with attention.

Good Luck. Feel free to contact me if you need advice or support.

Hugs, Carol Bird
mcbird@bellsouth.net
WEB PAGE
http://home.bellsouth.net/personalpa...thparentPlace/

[azitiz]

Do you happen to be in reunion with your relinquished child?
Yes, after 37 years, I have found my daughter and she is beautiful. Just 2 weeks ago, I was still searching. This has all happened so fast. When we first made contact via email we were both very cautious. After a week we had asked each other questions and I felt making great strides towards what ever the next step might be. However, I was impatient. 37 years! I felt I had to know. Also, her bmother had died about 5 years ago and if asked I felt I had to tell her face to face. She had asked me to call her on the following Saturday. Now that I had a phone number I knew where she lived. My wife and I drove 11 hours to the town just next to where she lived the Friday before I was to talk to her for the first time. Saturday arrived and almost as we started talking, she asked about her mother. I explained that I would like to discuss this with her in person. I explained I was about 20 miles away at a friend place (which is true) and if she would like my wife and I could meet with her. With a bit of hesitation she agreed. A place and time were set. We met and it was one of the greatest moments of my life. After 37 years I saw the daughter I had given up for adoption oh so long ago. We had a very nice visit. Exchange some pictures. I hugged my daughter for the first time. An experience I will cherish and remember forever. And as quick as it happened it was over. Euphoria set in over the next 24 hours. In fact right after the reunion, I drove 11 hours straight home.

What emotions and situations has this caused for you?
Emotions. Happiness. Sadness. Fear. Lots of anxiety. Happiness over seeing, meeting, talking, laughing, hugging her. Sadness in telling her about her mother. In having to leave her side now that we had finally met. Fear in not knowing if I will ever see her again. I emailed her and called and left a message. In her return email she told me this was overwhelming and we should take this slow. After just a week, I agree. But did my rush to seek her out turn her off to any type of further meeting? The anxiety this has caused seems abearable at times. I find it very easy to obsess over this. I am very thankful I have a very understanding wife. My wife has been my biggest supporter in my search. Should I just set and wait until she makes contact again? I just really don't know what to do.

Is it difficult to know how much contact and the boundaries in the relationship?
YES!! the words "overwhelming and take it slow". Just what does that mean? Is a short email once a week too much? Should I wait until she is ready before I make, or attempt to make any additional contact? Did she understand that I do want to get to know her? She says she does, but ...

What are you finding the easiest? What are you finding the most difficult?
Easiest - learning to live with the fact that I don't need to refer to her as the 'baby' as I have for years. She has a name. She has grown into a beautiful young woman. I feel she had a wonderful upbringing, and that her parents loved her very much. She just seems like a very wonderful caring person.
Difficult - knowing what to do next. What is the right amount of contact? Who should initiate contact? Knowing what 'taking it slow' really means. Not knowing if I will ever see her again is really scary. Being overwhelmed with emotions I never imagined over the years, and not quite knowing what to do next.

There are no right or wrong answers. Please share.
I have discover there is a lot of resources for bmothers and children. But not a lot for bfathers. A few. I have read and read. If anyone has ideas, comments, or have learned lessons from their experiences, please share. Thank you.