[blondesoprano]

My sister just had her first baby, a gorgeous little girl, almost a month ago. She gave the baby up for adoption to a perfect couple, who post photos of her on a website that we are allowed to see. Such a cute little baby.

Anyways, my sister has bi-polar, and is taking this extremely hard. We all knew the process would probably be emotional for her, could cause a severe depression. But she has trouble leaving her house, trouble eating, and I'm afraid she isn't getting the professional help she needs.

I want to help her in any way I can. I am completely new to this world, and welcome any advice anyone has to give.

Thank you so much

-Niki from Tucson

[Dickons]

Niki,

I am so sorry no one has replied, the boards have been pretty quiet lately. Hopefully some birth mothers will give chime in.

I don't have any specific advice but can tell you it is the hardest thing to go through and people do not just get over it. How they deal with the pain and continuing on will be unique to each of them, but your sister will have to deal with this for many many years if not life.

Did your sister use an adoption agency? If yes, were post adoption counselling services available? Is your sister on her meds? Does she have a counselor she normally sees? Family physcian?

When I was grieving (different cause) I did not have anyone who was willing to just let me talk without giving me the speeches of 'you have to get on with life' etc. I needed to grieve first and your sister may need you to just be there, a presense without any judgement or good sayings, just being there. Learn about the grief process which has 5 distinct phases but the sequence of the stages will be different for each person.

Just be there for her as much as you can, and help her take advantage of the services available to her.

Kind regards,
Dickons

[jcm]

Dickons' advice is spot on. I suffer from depression, and have had a pretty crap year. My dad got really sick and finally dies, our IVF dreams were shattered, and I was laid off while my dad was in the hospital.

Having friends, and esp. my husband just LISTEN to me was so very helpful. A lot of times people who are trying to comfort the grieving person will try to make things all better (it's in our human nature to want to help) by saying things they *think* are helpful, but really aren't.

Do NOT tell her she will get over it. That the baby is better off. Stuff like that. While technically true, they make the grieving person feel like they aren't entitled to their feelings. KWIM?

Like Dickons said, get some books on grieving. Gently remind her about seeing her counselor. One thing my mother liked to do was ask me "Are you taking your meds??" whenever I got a little too emotional. NOT the time to ask someone that.

Sounds like you are a good sister. Good luck to your sister...and you.

[blondesoprano]

Dickons, no worries, that was actually a pretty fast response.

Both of you, thank you very much for the advice. It sounds like it's similar to the grieving process we go through for any other loss in life.

I will just keep calling her and facebook-im'ing her and just ask her how she is and if she wants to talk.

I appreciate the support so much!



-Niki