[RC3]

Not sure what to say or do and welcome any insight. We have been reunited for 6 years and are very close. He tells me closer than anyone! So, he writes me these cryptic and horrible messages that he is afraid he's going to hurt himself or someone else. I immediately called his adad and was told he is just trying to get at me for giving him up for adoption. My son has a fantastic life, but is always unhappy. Deep depression and much manipulation, lies and deceit along the way. I love him to no end and would do anything for him but am worried I am BEING PLAYED AND GUILT TRIPPED!

[RC3]

Or...if anyone out there can help me to find some kind of online resource to deal with this, I would be grateful. I have been looking, but he and I live in different states and am finding limited options because of that. Also, he doesn't want me to tell anyone.

[taramayrn]

How old is your bson? I know he does not want you to tell anyone, but you certainly have an obligation to do so. Looks like you've talked with his adad about this and haven't gotten too far. Certainly you could contact the police in his area and notify them - they would also have an obligation to check on him. Sorry, I'm not much help.

[RC3]

Thank you for replying. That's my next step although if he is playing a game as his adad suggested, I am worried about screwing up his future. He's in school and working and don't want to derail his plans. I am texting and talking with him the best I can and am not sure how to get him to get professional help. He was in counciling a long time ago and learned how to play the therapist's game in order to make the situation work for him. Body language, the right words, eta...smart kid. I need to approach this carefully in case I am the only one he talks to...I don't want to scare him away!

[RC3]

Oh, he's 24.

[taramayrn]

Hmm that's a tough one - especially if he has a history of manipulation.

[linda512]

You can call a suicide hotline and ask for advice. They will help you out. I had to do that when I was a teenager and a friend threatened suicide. They can give you ways to try and tell how serious he is and where to get help.
Good luck to you.

[RC3]

I did that yesterday and am going to attend a mental illness therepy group on Tues hoping to get a better understanding of the issues. The biggest problem is that as soon as you throw the adotption thing into it, it changes the dynamics. That's where I'm finding the biggest obtacles.

[RavenSong]

Please, never assume that someone is talking about suicide because they want to manipulate you. I have buried a couple friends whose cries for help went unanswered because of this very assumption.

Your son sounds like he is suffering from a major clinical depression. Just a head's up--people who are manipulative can also be severely depressed. He needs professional help. Do you live in the same area? If so, I would take him to the crisis center at your local county mental health department. He may very well need to be medicated...antidepressants can work wonders. And if he's been unhappy for a long time, therapy will probably help him a lot.

I went thru this same thing with my son when he was around your son's age. It's hard to deal with, but it's harder to lose someone needlessly to suicide. Please don't think in terms of him "playing you". This young man is reaching out to you, for whatever reason. My son's parents were astounded when he reached out to me instead of them during a crippling suicidal depression. I wasn't surprised at all. After all, I had brought him into the world, and he wanted me to know that he was in so much pain that he was thinking of leaving this world. Birth and death...major things.

Good luck. If you need any help or support, please don't hesitate to PM me. I'm always hanging around here, so I'll answer ASAP.

P.S. In my own personal opinion, I would NOT involve the police. In my own experience, the cops often escalate the situation, and things get out of control very quickly. Take your son to get some help. Don't wait for others to do this.

[RC3]

Thank you for writing. Tha's kinda the problem. He's in So. Cal. His parents are in No. Cal and I am in WA. He will not, and we have had this conversation a thousand times, will not go see a pro. I've offered to go with, conference calls etc. Nothing! What do I do now?

[RavenSong]

Is there any way you could fly down to So. Calif.? He really needs to be taken by the hand to go see a professional. Have you come out openly in discussion with him about your fears? Sometimes, people are hesitant to use the actual word "suicide". Have you asked him point-blank if that's what he is contemplating?

Have you told him that it makes you feel so helpless and worried that he will not seek out help on his own? It's best to be totally honest with him in your communications, IMO.

If you can't go to Southern California, can you call the Crisis Center for whichever town/city he lives? They can probably give you some excellent advice on where to go from here.

[stinky_kitty]

I agree with Raven. This is so, so important. On Thursday a very good friend of mine committed suicide. He has struggled with depression for many years, and had talked about his suicidal thoughts in the past. PLEASE do whatever you can to get him help.

[RavenSong]

Stinky_Kitty, I am so, so very sorry for the loss of your friend. I know exactly how you're feeling right now. The grief for the survivors of suicide is so deep, so great, I can't even find the words to express the pain.

It's so darn hard to bury a friend, especially when they've taken their own lives. Depression is a horrible illness, one I wouldn't wish on my worst enemies.

All I know is that when someone decides to commit suicide, they're experiencing emotional agony. A lot of people say it's selfish, but I don't see it that way. I think it is a pain that becomes so great, so enormous, that you cannot see how your death will affect loved ones. You just want the world to quit spinning and the pain to stop...

Take time to grieve. If you're like me, you'll probably go thru an anger stage pretty soon. That took me by surprise. But you'll work thru it. Take care, sweetie.

[RC3]

Originally Posted by stinky_kitty

I agree with Raven. This is so, so important. On Thursday a very good friend of mine committed suicide. He has struggled with depression for many years, and had talked about his suicidal thoughts in the past. PLEASE do whatever you can to get him help.

I am so sorry to hear you lost your friend! We lost my husband's nephew a couple of years ago, 19 yrs old. Such heartache for all involved. I wish you peace and strength in dealing with such a sad and frustrating situation.

I think you and I have things in common. I am also a an adoptee and was reunited with my bmom in 03', she died a couple of years ago. When we first spoke on the phone she said she wasn't my mom and I must have been mistaken. She called back a week later and said she lied and that she was raped. The story has holes in it and have been told contradictions by other family members. While I was taking some time and space in the relationship, to figure out whether to believe she was raped or to believe she is lying about being raped, she died. Still trying to find peace with that.

Thank you all for the support. Regarding counseling... my son does not want me to come there - at all, (actually have never been to his house) I have offered many times and have offered him to come here. The harder I push him the more he says everything is fine, he was just having a bad day. I think his aparents pushed the therapy thing on him earlier on and now is completely opposed. I'm not giving up on that though.

Here's the deal...A couple of months ago he told me he was diagnosed by a shrink as 'psycotic'. I asked his adad, who said "not ever!" and laughed. This kid has told me many lies (many of which he has no idea I know about) and has played many games. I won't ignore the situation, but do not want to feed into it either. And, no I don't want to call the cops...bad idea to me unless in dire emergency.

I'm scared I'm going to say the wrong thing. I'm kind of an old school street kid and come off as mean to him. His amom is extremely doding and treats him like a baby. I won't do that and encourage him to be strong, take responsibility for his actions and his words and not grow up to be a jerk. He can be quite the drama king and is very mysterious. I just don't think I am helping him. I wish his parents would. Very frustrating.

The last time I showed up at his house he blew me off like I didn't exist. He walked right past me in the hallway and left me standing in the street while he went to a football game (I later found out from his amom). This was after he came to my house for the weekend, we had a blast hangin' out and he went home. I called to make sure he made it ok and didn't answer my calls or my emails. His parents said "Oh no he's fine, we talked to him today". He said he blew me off for the duration of 3 months because it was hard to deal with and that he thought we should have grown up together. I still don't know what that meant.

See how this is very confusing? UUGGHHH.

[RavenSong]

The last time I showed up at his house he blew me off like I didn't exist. He walked right past me in the hallway and left me standing in the street while he went to a football game (I later found out from his amom). This was after he came to my house for the weekend, we had a blast hangin' out and he went home. I called to make sure he made it ok and didn't answer my calls or my emails. His parents said "Oh no he's fine, we talked to him today". He said he blew me off for the duration of 3 months because it was hard to deal with and that he thought we should have grown up together. I still don't know what that meant.

This part of his behavior doesn't sound unusual at all to me, not for a very young male adult adoptee in reunion. My own son did the same exact thing several times when he was about 19 or 20 years old. Boys show their feelings differently than girls do, IMO.

What I think your son meant by saying he thought you both should have grown up together is he thinks you should have kept him, IMO. My son said a very similar thing early on in our reunion (we've been reunited for almost 19 years now). Years later, we talked about that conversation that had taken place in the early days of reunion. And he clarified that that, indeed, is what he meant.

I think your boy is grieving for what might have been. Have you ever read any of Betty Jean Lifton's books? She has a lot of wisdom about the "ghosts" we all carry, and the grieving for what might have been and never will be.