[quantum]

((((Kate)))) (((Raven))))(((LVmom)))

Not much but what I've got.

Your friend and comrade,
-T

[LasVegasMom]

Thank you to all of you who have responded to my posts. A new twist on all of this is that my daughter in law has been diagnosed with breast cancer. She is in touch with me daily. It is very very hard for me to be talking to her and not my son but I feel I must do this for her, his aparents are far from supportive of her and her parents are in Poland. She has noone else, and has really began clinging to me. I am trying to be strong for her, and for my grandchildren. I pretty much just listen to her, and let her do all the talking. My son is not well, his amom has been buying him alcohol "because it's the holidays"-whatever. My daughter in law says my family was the only ones that stood up to him, everyone else lets him do whatever he wants. And yes, they have dealt with him for 28 years and his abuse for about the last 12 years or so and I know they love him they just are kind of at their wit's end. I have decided to try and limit the talks with my daughter in law to every other day, to try and live my life here with my husband and 2 other children, and try to focus on other things other than my son. I know it sounds stupid but I'm trying to not mention his name every day, it just hurts me way to much. I love him so much that I can stay in the background if I need to. I feel like I'm going crazy, yes i'm in therapy, but this is so very very hard. I don't want to be one more "thing" or "issue" in his life, I want to be a positive influence, a good role model, and not a nuisance. If it were not for his wife's illness, I would back off alot more. I have decided I will send him an email maybe once a month-'hi, i'm here, i've been thinking of you. call me if you need to talk' kind of thing just so he knows i'm still around, not going anywhere, and leave it at that. It kills me but I am beginning to not function properly because of this, crying all the time. REally, I probably need medication but I'm trying to hang in there. It is so nice to know I'm not alone, that I have other sisters out there who understand my issues. thank you all.

[RavenSong]

LasVegasMom, I am so sorry to hear about your daughter-in-law's breast cancer. I imagine she must be scared out of her wits. Treatment is so advanced nowadays, though, and success rates are better than ever before.

I was thinking that maybe you'd like to look at the following two websites. Both women are leaders in the field of adoption-related issues, and both are psychotherapists. They both offer telephone counseling, as well as mediation between adoptees and their birthmoms (for those having problems in reunion.)

The first one is Betty Jean Lifton, who was one of the pioneers in the field. I started reading her books in the late 1970's, and she literally lifted the veil away from my eyes. Her website is BJ Lifton - Author, Adoption Counselor, Lecturer. If you ever have the chance to read her books, go for it. She's an adoptee who was one of the very first people to write about reunions.

The second one is Nancy Newton Verrier, author of The Primal Wound and Coming Home to Self. She does psychotherapy for members of all sides of the triad. Her website is Nancy Verrier.

It might help if you take a look at their books and websites. Another thing you could do is join a local triad support group. If you PM me with the name of your town or city, I can run a search for available groups for you. Another support group that I highly recommend is Concerned United Birthparents, more commonly known as CUB. You can find their website at Concerned United Birthparents, Inc..

Hope this helps you a bit. Hang in there, and keep posting here. We're all listening.

[LasVegasMom]

RAVENSONG,
thanks for the great information. I'll be looking at those websites and trying to get more information. Knowledge is power as they say. I am in the Vegas area, and if you can find some sort of triad support group, I would be all for it. Believe it or not, I have never knowingly met a birthmother face to face yet. I jumped into these online groups full force once my reunion started to unravel and now I do find power and help here, but face to face is always best. I appreciate your sound advice, always.
Thanks!

[Janeytwo]

Dear "Vegas",

I'm just catching up on this thread. It had somehow gotten away from me.

Anyway, I am so sorry to heart that your daughter-in-law is ill. :-( THAT is not good news at all. :-(

You have a lot on your plate right now. It's no wonder you are having a hard time coping.

Raven has given you excellent advice. I won't try to top it.

Just wanted to say that I'm pulling for you - and for your daughter-in-law - and your son - that things can get better.

:-( Man! This is some tough year for you, kiddo!!

[keds]

LVM - no words come to mind but I'm sorry to hear of your DIL's illness - life hits hard and you and her are in my prayers. Stay away from the meds - never a good thing and you should be proud of yourself for "dealing" with everything on your own - good example for your son. Take cafe of yourself first and, hopefully, things will be better this year. Stay in touch, it helps to vent, especially, if you're like me and on your own.

(((hugs)))

Kate

[Janeytwo]

Dear Kate,

Just wondering how you are doing? I know you'd been down.

[LasVegasMom]

Thank you all for your encouraging advice. I'll be honest, this year is starting off so differently from last year when my son and I were in reunion, still in our first face-to-face time and actually on 1/2/08 was the day he returned to Jersey. I still remember hugging him so tightly at the airport and him just laughing and telling me he would be back, we would see each other again. I was so sad to see him go, but he was so happy because he was sure this was the beginning of our time together not the end. Now I feel like it's the end and it makes me so sad that i'm starting to cry as I write this. Anyhow my daughter in law is difficult to understand sometimes (she is from poland) but i believe that her cancer has not spread, the dr's want to operate on her but they are letting her make arrangements for reconstructive surgery at same time (breast cancer) so they told her they wanted to operate in 4 weeks. I believe this is good news, but we will really only know everything for sure when they open her up. It would be so much easier if my son just took the phone and told me what was going on, but he won't-even though she was talking to me in the car-he was driving-all he had to do was take the phone from her and talk to me but of course he didn't. It is absolutely heartbreaking to me that he won't talk to me and i try to think of his reasons-is it to please his amom-is it because he really hates me-is it because he has backed himself into a corner and now is too stubborn to say-oh, she isn't that bad-is it because he doesn't care? I don't know his reasons but now is wife is sick and I would like to talk to him about that as well. Anyhow, I'm going to try really really hard to take care of myself in 2009. I'm going to try and back off this relationship just a bit-try to give myself some breathing room and only speak to my daughter in law every other day or maybe even once or twice a week. My husband told me not to email or text him anymore, just let him come to me. He will realize that he needs me, he will miss me, whatever, and he will come back. My DIL thinks he is trying to please his amom and is afraid she will cut him off if he contacts me again. They are living in his aparents house now and were going to move out but my DIL's illness has them staying there at least another couple of months. MY DIL says that once they are out of that house, she knows he will contact me and that he is not in contact with me mainly to please his amom. I'm worried that he may never contact me ever again and I just don't know how I would live my life without him in it. Right now, i'm living on the hopes he will contact me but I don't know how I could face that reality if it became my reality.