[keds]

I'm certain I'm not the only one, as a bmom/bdad,amom/adad, or adoptee who feels some days that it's just so unfair. We all love, forgiveness is that but WHY does it hurt as much today as 28 years ago (or less for others). I know the hurt of wanting children and not being able to do so and the joy that adioption brings, but there is still a "nagging" feeling. I can't speak for those who are adopted but as a bmom I have felt pain. God only knows why, but today, I feel blue and I'm sorry but the forums have always "been there" for me so I thought I could "spill my guts" and we're all still okay. Thanks.

[RavenSong]

Oh, Kate, I am so sorry you're feeling down. I can sure relate... Even though I've been in reunion for over 18 years, some days are still rough for me when it comes to adoption-related issues.

Although a lot of my original birthmom grief and loss issues have undergone much healing, there are still "rough patches", at least for me. They aren't as bad as they were years ago, and they don't come as often, but they still do show up from time to time.

I guess healing for me has meant being able to forgive myself for relinquishing my son 36 years ago. It also means that I'm not overwhelmed with grief and sadness all the time, like I was when I was younger. The grief never totally goes away, but it does become bearable.

Many hugs and much love coming your way, kiddo.

[quantum]

I know what you guys mean. It just seems so unfair that all of this is surrounded with so much pain. We as birth/first mothers often felt we were doing 'the right thing', 'the best thing for the baby'. ugh.

I definately hit some really low times as well. Not as often as I did in the years immediately following relinquishment, a little better than before reunion, but sometimes it just hits rock bottom.

Hang in there!

[keds]

Thanks. on the slow climb back out of the hole. Busy week at work this week so no time to feel sorry for myself. I'm dreading retiring next year - I'll have to find a charity to fill up my time. Take care and

[Blessed2x.]

I'm sorry you are feeling sad today. You have such a kind heart. Take care.

[quantum]

I'll teach you quilting as well.
;-)

[keds]

Thanks! I started one 16 years ago and haven't finished yet! Of course, in the depths of my despair I left a message for bson and he sent me a quick note yesterday. I have to learn to have faith.

[Janeytwo]

Hey Keds! Hugs to ya today!

I have to learn to have faith.

There was this excellent song out a few years back. I can't remember the name of the group... The Stone Roses maybe? I dunno....something like that. Anway, there was a line in the song where the singer is asking God why we're all here and the refrain goes:

To live, to laugh, to love, to learn
That's why we're here

I have always loved that!! So simple yet so beautiful.

Faith...... We each have our struggles with it. Mine have to do with money. Whenever there's a change in my life I begin to worry that I'm going to end up pushing a shopping cart and sleeping in a cardboard box. The old traumas of poverty and the way the poor are treated come to haunt me and then I find myself saying to God over and over again, "Please, please, please, please don't let me live my life out of a car again, please, please." I walk about my house putting a mental price on everything I own so that I'll know how much money I can get at the garage sale in order to eat for a week.

I want to be at that point where I'm unafraid. But it is a long, long journey between the heart with all it's fear and grief and the brain with it's logical answers and cold-hard reasoning.

Some days I look to the sky and fling my arms wide and say, "What a glorious life!! I am so glad I am in it!!" And other days? Well........... on those days I have to negotiate with myself every second in order to stay sane on this planet.

Sometimes faith is simply admitting to others that I want to give up and then waiting for them to reply with kindness, "I been there man. What can I do to help ya? How can I take some of the pain away for ya?"

Wishing you a better day, Keds! :flower

[keds]

Hi Janey,thanks. I've just been reading some of the other posts and realized that I have been focusing on myself too much (never a good thing). take care

[Janeytwo]

I've just been reading some of the other posts and realized that I have been focusing on myself too much

(((( Keds )))) Some days, some weeks - a person just has to be where they're at. I know when I've down you've helped me and hopefully it's been vice-versa.

Wishing you sunnier days ahead! :-)

[agathaj]

BTW Keds, I'm having a Blue day too....sigh...I feel tired overwhelmed and miserable...those old feelings of helplessness and hopelessness have re-emerged....

[keds]

Agatha, hang in there, we're all in this together and it's only the knowledge of that, that keeps me looking forward. PM me if you need a word of encouragement. This too will pass. Take care of yourself. Kate

[keds]

Janey, thanks, not sure I help but sometimes all you need to know is that others are going through the same "stuff". All the best and let's get through it together!

[keds]

OK, so a colleague I worked with years ago called toay and told me that she was adopted and that her husband (very ill with cancer) had registered and found her bmom a few months ago and he and she now share a wonderful relationship - he and her mom are best of friends (perhaps to help with the end that is very near) and I am sooooo happy for them, but there is a part of me that is feeling that I haven't done enough to make my relationship so "close". Selfish or not? I wish I could call anytime, spend countless hours with him, have him come to my home and spend time but he has a mom and dad (and step mom) and my dear friend's parents are both dead (RIP) so it may be easier? I just don't know and feeling I "blew" it with bson by "holding back" early on. He has parents,step parents and a girlfriend - where do I fit in (especially since bdad/hubby is an arse and finally told me that as much as he loves bson he just can't handle people "knowing" - my feelings he's an arse). Anyway, where do I go from here. Raised kids are torn, I want so much more and feel kids should not be put in the middle but how to resolve? Any help/comments would be much appreciated as I am sinking fast and it's not about me - it's about my children.

[Janeytwo]

Hey Keds,

Have you considered maybe writing your bson a letter and telling him how you feel? I'm no expert of course on reunion - by any means -

But just from a fellow "mom" perspective, I've found that even if it doesn't go the way I wanted, I always feel better after I talk to my daughters. They don't always want to hear it or accept what I say but at the very least some part of them knows that I'm trying to keep the lines open.

I can appreciate that with your bson the pain and fear would be greater than it would be communicating with the kids you've raised. I can truly understand how frightening that would be.

You say raised kids are torn and you don't want to put them in the middle. So perhaps simply writing your bson yourself, maybe even sending a letter by snail-mail instead of by email - perhaps that would give you time to say what you want to say and also give him time to think on it.

Just a small suggestion.

Wishing you peace today,