[sstuart]

I often believed that death and adoption had similarities and by some degree they do, but after going to the service for a 14 year old in my son's school, I now have a change of heart. I believe that they are not nearly as similar as I once thought. The biggest similarity I believe starts with it being an extremely painful experience.
Just so we are clear my adoption was a closed adoption.

With the death of a child you are surrounded by loved ones that are there to support you and grieve with you. You are allowed to grieve openly and it usually doesn't make anyone uncomfortable, it is expected. Only with faith in a superior being will you have the chance to see that child again. It is forever, it is the end of a life.

With closed adoption, I was alone--during my pregnancy, during my delivery and much of the time afterward. I was treated horribly by hospital staff. I was called a whore by my mother's fiance. No one grieved with me, and I was expected to get over it and move on. I was not ever expected to see my child again, but there was always that hope. And now 22 years later I have reunited and it is wonderful. My child is still alive, I can see her and I can touch her. Even if I do not get to see her much at least I know that her life is good.

Do I have that faith in a superior being. Yes, and I sure hope that I will be reunited with those in my life that have passed on, but just in my opinion death of a child and the placement of a child into adoption are just not the same.

Grief is a process that steps must be completed, as much as my adoption was painful--I can not imagine those parents pain today as they bury their child.

Maybe it is because it has been 22 years. There are those on here that adoption is much more recent. Also with the increase of open adoption that pain is constant--but definitely different than death..

Anyone else have an opinion??

[JustPeachy]

I remember at the time of relinquishment, the grief was something I had never experienced. My mom compared it to a "death" and I remember thinking that yes, it did feel like a death, but I had the consolation that my son was alive. Somewhere.

However, I have read that as traumatic as actual death of a child is, there is a finality to it that isn't there in adoption. You know that child is not coming back and the reality of that can be faced, hard as it may be. As much as I was able to express myself in therapy, or with friends who understood, it wasn't the same as being able to grieve openly, have some kind of formalized social acceptance around the loss, receive support from all sides, and be able to complete the grieving process. I think the literature says bmoms can end up feeling in limbo with their grief and have a harder time processing it precicely because the child is still alive.

I was lucky in that I was never called a whore, but, like you, several of the hospital staff treated me badly, some people said terrible things about me, both behind my back and to my face, and you are expected to get over it and go back in the closet, even if you do try to be open about your feelings.

Still, I have always received some comfort in knowing that my son was alive in the world. Also, I did get updates, which helped tremendously, as did professional therapy. But the grief, well, I do think in some ways it's worse with adoption, though I really don't like to compare pain as everyone processes grief differently.

[bromanchik]

Peachy is right. The loss is much more ambiguous and open ended. It is a harder loss to grieve in a way because there are no rituals, little support and the possibility that someday there may be contact... then again, maybe not.

In other ways it is similar to a death. The child is no longer ours. We wonder, even in fully open adoptions, who our child would be had we raised them. Those who have lost a child wonder who they would have become had they lived. At every stage... we wonder. The child, the teen, the adult...they are all lost to us.

[lahdh4]

They are not the same.

With death, there is a finality. It is done. It is over. You will never see that person again.
With adoption there is no finality. Especially when you had a closed or in other cases the "open" adoption was closed on you. There is always wonder, questions, the search, the hope for an outcome. You don't get that in death.

[taramayrn]

They are but they aren't...lol. The emotions can be the same, but the experience is so different. I think adoption is "unfinished" and therefore the greif is unfinished. It's also really ambiguous and not overly understood or supported.

[Janeytwo]

Hey Stacy,

Once some years ago, I said to my then-therapist who'd had an abortion that I felt that she was braver than I was, a better mom than I was, because she hadn't handed her child over to strangers to raise. She said, "No Janey. Birthmoms suffer more because they spend their lives wondering. I don't have to do that. My child is dead. That's one of the reasons I had an abortion. I couldn't face the years of silence and suffering. That was too much for me."

At the time I didn't really relate or understand that she was trying to get me to open up but I've come to see that, in that argument, she was correct.

There is no official "grieving" for birthmothers. My mom said "You made your bed now lie in it!" the day I came home from the hospital. I seriously doubt anyone anywhere would say that to someone who just buried their child. Not, of course, that the comment would fit anyway. But, I'm sure you get my drift.

Is there a finality in the death of a child? I hope I never find the answer to the that question, but I suspect the answer is no. I think that those parents spend the rest of their lives wondering what kind of person their child would've been, who they would've married, what their children would've looked like. Probably those parents spend the rest of their lives with only framed pictures of their children for company. That child forever frozen in time at the age they died. Their life abruptly ended.

And I'm certain that just as I sat at birthday parties looking at empty chairs and missing my children? Somewhere there is a parent who's child has died of some terrible disease and they're at a birthday party looking at empty chairs and thinking "God how I miss you!"

That may not be the long shadow of silent shame that we have suffered unjustly beneath. In that aspect, we suffer uniquely and have been mistreated gravely by society and those we love.

But loss is loss.

This will sound very negative and I ask everyone to forgive me for that. But I don't believe for a minute that time heals all wounds. I think that some of them it closes enough so that they seep but are survivable.

Just my thoughts.

Thanks for listening.

Janey

[staceysberry]

I have dealt with both and the abortion left me with a hollow empty feeling. It was final for me and of course the baby. The adoption left me a empty hollow feeling as well. It was different though. It is hard for birthmoms because at times you just want to touch them or hear their laugh or something as simple as picking out their outfit for the day. But he has a wonderful beautiful mom who I love. The abortion left me with all negative feelings especially with family. I grieve for both. But with the adoption I still get to see him smile and hold on to the fact that one day I will get to touch him again. I can't have that hope with the other. Like you I hope I don't ever know the answer.

[keds]

Janey, you aren't negative. I have experienced all 3. Bson was placed when I was 17 and the day I came home from the hospital was the last time anyone spoke of him for years (I still mourn the loss of the years but realize, as an adult, that it was likely the best thing for him, not easier).

My first pregnancy, after marrying bdad at 24, was complicated and a decision was made (while I was out) that it was me or "him/her" so I have experienced an abortion - not something I would wish on anyone as, in my experience, the worst guilt I have ever felt, and I've had the anger and slurs thrown at me as a bmom. I was blessed to have 2 beautiful daughters but 3 years after my youngest daughter was born I was pregnant again. Sadly, my last child was stillborn. Out of all of my experiences I have to say that the adoption of my son was the hardest - simply because of the unknown! Although the other events in my life were devestating, the not knowing was most difficult. Of course, this is from my perspective so I can't speak for anyone else.

Life is definitely not easy for any of us!

[RavenSong]

Three weeks after I relinquished my son at age 17, I was evaluated by a psychiatrist for clinical depression. By the end of the session, he had decided I was grieving the loss of my son in the same way that I would have if he had died. Part of his theory made sense to me, but much of it didn't feel right.

In the 36 years that have elapsed since my son's birth, I have come to realize that, for me at least, the unresolved grief I dealt with for so many years was actually more akin to the type of grief and despair that people go thru when their loved ones are missing in action or taken prisoner of war. You aren't ever sure if they're dead or alive...you don't know if they're being taken care of properly or being abused. You have no idea where they are living or if they are living at all.

It was the not knowing that caused me the most pain, I think. When my son was a child, I used to go outside every night, and look at the moon and stars. And I would imagine that somewhere in this big world of ours', he was looking at the same sky. For some reason, this brought me a measure of solace.

The other thing that did give me some peace was my belief that even though I didn't know where my son was living, God knew exactly where he was. So I would pray each and every night that God would keep an extra close eye on my boy. And He did....

[Janeytwo]

Hey there!

the unresolved grief I dealt with for so many years was actually more akin to the type of grief and despair that people go thru when their loved ones are missing in action or taken prisoner of war.

I had never thought of it this way before but you're so right!!

You know I had a friend whose son went to prison for 15 years for manslaughter. She said to me once (quoting loosely from memory here), "He got out after 8 years for good behavior but I did the whole 15. I paid the price emotionally. After my son went to prison, I sentenced myself to suffer for his crime."

I think this is what I did to myself, Raven. I sentenced myself to life; a life of living in silence for this percieved sin on my part. When, all along, I was just as human as the next guy.

And you know; this is the truth. Until I came into this forum I thought I was the only one who'd surrendered more than one child. I mean, I had read stories of women who were dying and so they placed their children with relatives to care for them. But I didn't know there were women like me. It was such a relief to read the journeys of others.

Thanks for your always wise words of wisdom and have a wonderful day!

Janey

[Dickons]

Grief is grief whether the end result is death or adoption. Yes, there is an outlet when the result is death but that outlet is short lived and still people say negative things. I lost my son at 5 weeks of age to SIDS, the first day I returned to work my co-worker told me she always watched her babies...

Grief for the loss of my son brought greater empathy for my birth mother and what she had gone through and would still be going through...

Janey you are correct in that time does not heal all wounds...but it does allow for grief to find a place to live in your heart and still not destroy your soul, but it never goes away and it still comes to the front each time something triggers you. Birthday's...anniversaries...when someone asks if you have kids...friends having babies...

Kind regards,
Dickons

[djvj]

this is interesting, because yesterday i met with a friend who's baby infant died in the hospital at 12 days old. like her, i had almost 2 weeks with my bdaughter, and we were sharing our pain with each other.

what struck me the most was this: we both have a picture in our minds of the last time we held those babies: each of us knew we had only seconds left with our child, that once those seconds passed, they would never return into our arms.

one of us had no choice: how horrible that must be, to have no control over such a huge event
the other had to make a choice: how cruel that was, knowing i had to sacrifice everything in my heart and soul to "do what was best" for that child - it was almost as if the only way i could let that baby NOT die was to let her go....

all i know is that i was struck by how similar the grief, if not the exact circumstance, was between the two of us. she is the only one i know in "real" life that gets my pain....

i am in reunion, which i guess i've hoped all these years would somehow comfort that grieving 17 year old inside me. intellectually, i am thrilled at the life my bchild had and who she has become. but that baby i let go of 23 years ago? in a very gross sense that baby might as well have died - i never did get to hold her again, and never will. and now in reunion it is that tiny baby that i find i am grieving, not the beautiful young woman that has returned into my life...

PLEASE don't take this as meaning i am not grateful that my bchild is alive and well. i have that comfort, my friend does not. i don't think it's healthy or useful to compare grief in the sense of "what is worse/better" because perhaps it is all the same thing.

imho, all mothers seperated from their children for any reason suffer a profound, horrible, indescribable pain that never really goes away.

[Tazer]

I have experienced both losing a child through adoption and a stillbirth after 8 months gestation. Both were daughters, and for me there was no comparison. My tears, thoughts and even days of silence were understood,supported and even expected following the baby's death. They were at times catered to. I had a tiny head stone I could visit and lay flowers upon. My in-laws and parents did the same.
My adoption saga was just as hard, just as painful and no one offered support, understanding or even a shoulder to lean on. The death was final and unexpected but the placement was harder. Tracy

[quantum]

I think that's the key. Although we do have some small comfort of knowing (hoping) our child is still alive, many of us were not allowed to grieve.
I know I was told that I should go through the stages of grieving by a social worker, but how could I when I wasn't allowed to talk about it? When I was supposed to pretend it never happened?

Now that I am in reunion I find myself grieving the years lost, grieving the relationship I'll never have with him since he grew up with other parents.

So it is different. At least for me

[Stormster]

Thanks so much for sharing the stories in this thread. I find threads like these tough to read and until recently could not accept that placing was more painful than death, even in OA.

My grandmother's son drowned at 21, she was never the same. My mother "lost" her son to Schizophrenia at 19, she was never the same. Both lived their lives with a dark cloud over them and the pain in their eyes never went away. I just couldn't imagine that something that others view as a choice could cause that kind of lifelong pain. But I get it now. And the social stigma is like constant salt in the wound.

I sometimes try to make myself feel better by telling myself our son's birth mother's age, life situation and the fact that she placed before means that she is in less pain. I think it's very important that I as a partner in an OA realize constantly (not suffer constantly for anyone else) but be aware of this unresolved/unresolve-able (