[Jackiejdajda]

Phobias..

I have a doctor phobia.. Its been with me for a long long time.. I need to go this week.. and am triggered.. big time..
I have not been sick and am in pretty good shape.. I need my pills.. my blood pressure pills..

When I was pregnant and unwed and unable to cope I had to go to the doctors filled with shame.. And for a period of time my mom sent me into doctors offices to ask if they could find someone to help me with a safe abortion.. this was before Roe vs Wade..
It was horrible.. then we found a doctor that was willing to do it and I went into that office for the pre abortion check and he abused me.. I will not go into details..
I left that office and stood in a line and fainted.. The one time in my life that I have fainted..

(please note I made a decision (one of my first that went against my mom) at that time to not abort)

Then after all the birthing and relinquishing and non recovering had gone down.. I went on with my life.. married and got pregnant..
I had to (again) go and see a doctor and I had to think on whether I would tell him about my first born.. shhhhhh said my mom..

Always behind the eight ball always full of bad thoughts unsaid thoughts wrong thoughts..

Can anyone add their knowlege to this? I need help to sort my phobia about doctors..

Jackie

[sstuart]

I hate going to the doctor as well and I am a nurse. I believe mine comes from my mom who also hated it and did not go for over 40 years--until she backed her car into the neighbors house--- and then had a stroke...

I hate going even though I am in good health as well. My only problem is that I am overweight. But I hate hearing it EVERY time I go to the doctor---DUH I know I am fat--but they try to blame every problem on my weight and I got news--Not everything is related to weight.. but oh well.. I at least go and hate every minute of it.
I had to tell my OB that I had my DD because I had a C-section. But I cried at my second visit feeling guilty for even being able to have a baby and be happy about it.
I know this doesn't really help you, but that is my take on my MD phobia.

[Oceans]

I have the same fear Jackie and my answer is a little too "easy" IMO (and yes, adoption related) but here it is...

I have learned (through adoption) to be an overly "private" person and keep most everything to myself. Going to the Dr. is exposing. I hate it too. It triggers feelings of vulnerability and secrecy.

Plus, now that I'm over 40, every doc I see is interested in placing my breasts between two pieces of glass and seeing how flat they can make 'em.

That doesn't make it any easier...

[taramayrn]

Certainly understandable that you would have a phobia about doctors...it is a real trigger for you. Now how does one "get past" the phobia?

[kdecrow]

Would it help at all to see a female Dr?

D**n that Dr. for abusing you when you were already so afraid and vulnerable...but I guess that's what he was counting on.

We all have phobia's about something, don't we. Mine is irrational fear of tornadoes. It's thundering outside now and already I can feel my stomach beginning to churn.

Yep. Unfortunately BP pills are one's you can't do without!

Good luck and God Bless~

Kim

[kakuehl]

Jackie, I assume that the doctors were male. Have you gone to a female? Gender may make a difference. I drive an incredible distance to the doctor I've been seeing for about 15 years. He never comments on my weight unless I've lost a pound or two. I was embarassed as well to tell him 3 live births/ raising two children. He knows that I've reunited with him, so now when we're doing the medical history each year he asks about him as well. He has prayed with me, which I appreciated no end. (He's Mennonite, but I don't think he routinely prays with his patients.

My dad is a doctor. When my sister and I were in elementary school we lived above the office for a while. One day my parents and brothers weren't going to be home when we got home from school so we were to wait in the waiting room until they arrived. We did as we were told and were (patiently??) waiting for them when one of Dad's partner's patients praised us for being so brave for coming to the doctor's by ourselves. We had to laugh and explain that we lived there.

[Jackiejdajda]

Sstuart

I hate going to the doctor as well and I am a nurse. I believe mine comes from my mom who also hated it and did not go for over 40 years--until she backed her car into the neighbors house--- and then had a stroke...

My mom did not like doctors.. and when I was a kid and sick in bed they would call the doctor (house calls in those days) and the doctor would say I was okay.. I do not know if he took it upon himself to say that I was lying about being sick.. but I was the butt of their jokes about how they had to pay money for the doctor and I was cheating..
A source of shame..

I hate going even though I am in good health as well. My only problem is that I am overweight.

Weight and not being perfect is maybe part of this..
When I was pregnant with bson I worked as a stewardess.. I thought I was going to have an abortion so I got a job after I ran home to Florida from Boston..
I lived on Grand Bahamas Island.. and worked till I was six months pregnant.. I saved money and paid for my hiding out motel when I showed..
But there was terror that I showed.. The outfits were fitted..

I gained weight when I had my daughter in /75.. My mom said to me.. “Jackie how are you going to keep your husband?”
Not perfect.. not right.. all wrong.. failure..

But I hate hearing it EVERY time I go to the doctor---DUH I know I am fat--but they try to blame every problem on my weight and I got news--Not everything is related to weight.. but oh well.. I at least go and hate every minute of it.

We have been snowed in all winter.. and I have not moved around much.. I tend to sit and work on my needlepoint.. and I know I am in terrible shape.. And I hate being told I need to exercise..
And I keep taking my thinking to "I am lazy" and working it till I am depressed.. ah.. on re reading my posts I am thinking I am looking for depression..

I had to tell my OB that I had my DD because I had a C-section. But I cried at my second visit feeling guilty for even being able to have a baby and be happy about it.

Never let them see you cry.. Never break down and blubber (moms words).. lie and pretend..
Telling the lie pulls the rug..

Oceans

I have learned (through adoption) to be an overly "private" person and keep most everything to myself. Going to the Dr. is exposing. I hate it too. It triggers feelings of vulnerability and secrecy.

That’s it.. Vulnerable and shame.. After I had the baby I was in a ward and a priest came and said prayers over me.. poor me.. poor poor me..

Plus, now that I'm over 40, every doc I see is interested in placing my breasts between two pieces of glass and seeing how flat they can make 'em.

It hurts doesn’t it.. and I hate my body.. and I hate showing it..

Taramayrn

Now how does one "get past" the phobia?

When I was locked in my home.. in the late eighties.. I can remember posting on a board about how I was afraid to go.. and this person replied by saying.. “They are trained on how to handle people like you.”
That helped that time.. but I am back to worry worry worry..

I do know from my books.. that this will pass.. my fear will pass once I am there and out the door after the ordeal..
My husband a few years back had to go through hospitals and all the terrible things that happen when arteries are blocked.. chest pains etc..
I live in terror of that.. I hope and pray that never happens to me..

Kdecrow

Would it help at all to see a female Dr?

Its no longer fear of abuse.. I got past that one.. I sat in a doctors office once and told him about what had happened.. It was an intake thing to get free therapy.. from a doctor.. not a therapist..
I told him and the poor man opened the door half way through the telling. He probably worried that I would freak out..

That doctor was evil.. heck he was doing illegal abortions.. and he was busted.. there were headlines in the Miami Herald.. Someone told on him.. He was a busy fellow..

I did a stint with all female doctors.. and I guess I was better with them.. but out here in the country I have to go to a male.. we have a shortage of doctors in Canada.. and you get what you can..
He is my husbands doctor and now he is mine.. I do not know what he is going to want from me..

Tornadoes are terrible things..
I will never forget traveling to Miami through Florida on the greyhound bus and a woman being terrified of a storm heading the busses way..

Kakuehl

He never comments on my weight unless I've lost a pound or two.

I can not allow a doctor to weigh me.. I worry that I will end up with an eating disorder again..
I was bulimic for years after I had my daughter.. in /75.
I would weigh myself and then head for the bathroom.. in hope of getting rid of the extra pounds..
I ended up with a kidney stone.. I told the doctor at the emergency.. that I was bulimic and he said to me..”Well it hasn’t worked has it.”
Shame again..
I think the key is shame here..

I am ashamed of me..

I am going to think on this.. thanks everyone for sharing..
I go on Thursday at 9.20..
I will run from that place with my prescription held greedily in my hand..
That’s the thing about getting old.. you got to have your pills..
They have leverage..

Jackie

[sstuart]

Guilt and Shame Jackie---You hit the nail on the head.

Since I placed DD I have been nothing but successful most of my life< but I don't always see it that way.

I think of my excess weight as failure.

Get that script and run... Stacy

[SuddenlySusan]

I struggle with going to the doctor as well, Jackie. I try to see female docs, but we live in a small town in an isolated area, so I also have to take what I can get.

The one thing that I try to keep in front of me is that I want to be around to be a part of my adult children's lives, and to see my grandchildren become adults. Who knows?... maybe I might even see some g-grandkids. But I have to take care of myself in order for that to happen. My dad died when he was 62... my children adored their "papa" and it crushed us all when he passed away.

I know people say that we must do things for ourselves, and not for others, and I "get" that. But, it doesn't help me get my sorry butt to the docs. Knowing that I may miss out on being a part of my loved ones' lives is what provides a motivation for me to do what I must.

I keep a picture of my loved ones in my head when I go to the doctor... to remind me why I'm there... to keep me from sneaking out once I've gotten there.

But.... don't get me started on dentists! Argh!!!

Good luck on your visit, Jackie...

Hugs,
Susan

[Jackiejdajda]

I did it.. and I like this guy.. He knew I had been avoiding him.. I had gone to see him once last year to get the blood pressure medication and ran.. I was supposed to go back.. I told him I was phobic first off..
He took my blood pressure and I was good.. whew.. I am OK with blood pressure.. what joy..
Also he told me that the clinic in Toronto had on my records that I took amphetamines.. I looked at him and said what is that?
Speed… jeez I do not like I speed I told him… I hate speed.. If I had a drug I could take it would be tranks..
The only time I took speed was to lose the weight in 1966 when it was legal after I had bson..
Well I took some drugs with speed in it in the sixties and seventies but that was a long time ago.. Does anyone know if it stays that long in the blood..
Or it was me taking an antihistamine.. when I lived in Toronto.. daily

Now.. he says I need to have that breast thingee done.. and he told me I did not have to do it if I did not want to do it.. I said I would do it..
He said that if I did not want to do it.. I did not do it with that clinic in Toronto he had no problem with me but if I had problems he was free and clear of blame.. okay that’s okay..
Next is blood test.. I stopped taking Lipitor because it gave me back aches and stomach aches.. I know this for a fact because when I stopped taking the pills they went away..
But I am going to get the blood test because if my cholesterol is high I do not have to take Lipitor I can refuse..

On the news there was a blurb up here about how doctors can fire their patients.. I discussed that with him.. and he said he would not fire me if I refused treatments..

Soooo I am past it.. and I can eat my cheese popcorn at nite.. (salt the problem) because my blood pressure is good..

Thanks guys for the help.. I really needed it..

Jackie

[kakuehl]

Congratulations! Sounds like this doc is a keeper!!! (And now you know why I drive 3 hours to see mine because I hate to change!) The good news for me is that IF I am called to the place where I am interviewing, I'll be closer to him!

[Jackiejdajda]

Thanks Kathy.. I am feeling much better now..
I do need to keep me well for my family..
I think that is the message this thread has given me..
I am detached a lot.. in my life..
I just read a post written by a male adoptee speaking about his birthmom and how she is detached.. (not his exact words) and I kept thinking whew that is me..

I have been reading (listening to) a book that may interest you.. or a series of books written by Phil Rickman. The book is about a woman vicar.. and its about ghosts etc.. I am only half way through but I keep thinking of you as I am listening..

Book called.. Wine of Angels..

In this novel, Rickman has moved away from the group of characters and locations that have dominated his previous novels. 'The Wine of Angels' is set in the Herefordshire village of Ledwardine, where the new vicar is all too new for the residents. The staunch and staid patrons of Ledwardine are not happy about the appointment of Merrily Watkins, a woman, to a position that has up until now belonged to a stodgy old man. It's a change they're not pleased about, but Merrily goes forth with the best of intentions. It's not until she actually sees the vicarage that she has questions, especially about the third floor which already seems to be occupied -- but only to her eyes.

Jackie

[SuddenlySusan]

Glad you made it to the doc, Jackie... also good to know that he won't fire you

One day at a time... one doctor visit at a time... then we move past it... hopefully to the fun stuff of life...

Peace,
Susan

[Jackiejdajda]

SuddenlySusan

I know people say that we must do things for ourselves, and not for others, and I "get" that. But, it doesn't help me get my sorry butt to the docs. Knowing that I may miss out on being a part of my loved ones' lives is what provides a motivation for me to do what I must.

Susan what you wrote in that earlier post really really helped me..
I have not stopped thinking of it.. I have always been detached from my loved ones.. One step away from them.. guard my heart incase bad happens.. I wait for the bad to happen.
My son is okay (not bson but the third born) and my daughter is in a good place right now.. and my husband and I are happy (there is a picture of us the day we met bson in my profile gallery)
I am so detached when the bad happens.. and I think this is something I need to sort..

I used to believe that I could deal with anything.. heck I dealt with giving a baby up and never ever letting them see me upset..
Now I tend to detach from me.. and the thinking is who cares if I am gone.. and to disappear is a good thing.. Not cause problem..

Now I see how my kids love me and how my husband loves me.. we just had a wedding anniversary we have been married thirty seven years..
And he does depend on me.. He needs me for the chores I do and he would be lost without me as I would be lost without him..

I made an appointment for the x-ray.. and I have ordered my renewed prescription for blood pressure pills.. and I am getting ready for the blood test and the fast etc..
All these years I have been working towards having loved ones around me and I am so fast to give them up..
Ah..
Fast to give them up.. fast to give me up..

Jackie