[keds]

OK, I'm almost 2 years into reunion and it's going fairly well. Other than bdad (husband) having a hard time, and raised kids finding their way in a relationship with bson, and me wanting SO much more, I never thought I would be blind-sided by anger/depression about his placement. I suppose I am living those emotions that were "cut-off" or forcibly shut down and yet, now, in reunion, I am the one who supposedly "made" all the decisions. Why is it that those of us who were victims back then are, now, being victimized again? Is it the perspective that our parents, bdad had at the time? I never asked how they felt or what they thought back then, I only guessed and listened to the words spoken "at" me. In my situation, I believed what they spoke was what they truly wanted. My feeling is that the only one who didn't have a choice was my bson and I feel that I failed him. Should I have fought harder? Was he better off without me? I know I wasn't but he says he had a better life and I don't doubt it financially but emotionally, I'm not so sure.

Anyway, I just wondered if anyone else had the same feelings? I did watch the movie Juno a few months back and thought it was quite good in the scenes between Juno and Bleeker (the bdad) but found the others a bit contrived (of course, I am from the closed era and do hope that times have changed). The thing that I found most disturbing was the cavalier attitude that people my age had toward the movie. It seems that now, as parents, they are more accepting and yet, when I run into anyone from that period of my life I am still dealt with the same contempt. One of my favourite lines from the last year of movies was in Jane Austen's Book Club when Prudence's husband says "high school is over" and she responds "high school is never over". Truer words were never spoken.

Sorry for the long post. Just the mask slipping a bit tonight.

[susieloo]

Hey keds
I don't think any of us can say or guess whether or not our children had a 'better' life having been adopted. Had we kept our firstborn children the steps in our lives would have been different from that day on..and maybe we wouldn't even have the same subsequent children.
Sometimes when I am feeling sorry for myself I say " Well Susie had you kept her maybe you would have been driving down the road one day and both been killed in a car accident!" or some other ghastly tragedy! Then I usually add " Yeah!"
Kinda takes my mind back to the now.
Do you get what I mean?

Some times I also wonder whether or not bmums do the grief circuit and its hard to get off because our children are so real now. Although I thought of my daughter sooooooo much as she was growing my emotions were stifled down and deep! Those emotions since reunion are continually revisited...every txt, phonecall, visit, letter, card, gift or email!!!!!
Am I onto something here...not sure, but grief circuit sounds very real to me. Remembering I am 11yrs into one of the more "successful" reunions. Our relationship is steady and slowly growing all the time....I think...( there is the self doubt!LOL!)
I saw Juno. Have posted on another thread about it tonite. Just didnt like the happy ever after ending. Had the same reaction from a couple of friends tooooooo! I felt like slapping them...luckily I am not the violent type!!!
Love the Quote!
Take care of YOU this week!!!!
Susie

[susieloo]

Perhaps this is the Roller Coaster we all talk about!!!
Susie

[hollyhunter]

Chiming in a bit later but I pick threads according to my particular mood of the day. It's griefwork for sure. However complicated by the fact that the loved one we lost is standing there asking " What the heck is wrong with her?" I suppose we have to work through the fact that we lost a child, close that door and try to open another for the stranger with our grandmother's smile. I'm beginning to see my way through it. I have my moods but they are getting less frequent and less severe as time goes by. I'm just over a year into reunion. All that stuffed down crap came to surface without warning and it almost changed who I am( I sort of liked who I was till then). I don't expect it to all go away as there will always be some sadness. Hopefully it won't define me. I need to keep my focus on the here and now. Regrets? Those are just evil. Acceptance is the key. It's the life preserver I seek when I feel myself drowning. The one thing the forum is good for is to let us know we aren't totally crazy or alone in how we feel. We use the coping skills we have and maybe learn a few more from each other.