re:The girls who went away...

m-mom · #1 02-20-2008, 02:27 PM

I just finished reading the book and it was an enlighting experience. I related so much to the women and cried many times because it made me relize that even though i placed my baby in 1998, I went through several of the same experiences to birth mothers that placed decades ago.
At 16, my family told me i would have to move out if I wanted to keep the baby. I was called a slut, and was NEVER offered any type of support in order to keep my son. I know it was technichnically my choice to place him for adoption...but after reading the book i relize that the choice was made for me. Being so young i just wanted to make the horrible situation better.

Maybe now i can sort through the grief and anger i have always felt. This "good", "great" thing that i did for my son never felt that way. It's felt dibilitating, and painful. I'm glad I can now see how i was manipulated and hopefully can grow from this new understanding.

Oceans · #2 02-20-2008, 03:58 PM

It's so hard to feel like you have ANY options at 16. Even today, the options that a 16 year old has without support are limited. Yes, they are there, but it takes an incredibly strong person to put it all together and commit...

I was 17 and felt like I had no support as well. At least it was never offered and I did not DARE ask. When I told my parents, I said I "pregnant and adoption" in the same sentence. I did that to deflect "punishment". It quickly gathered a life of it's own - I believe the adoption was "set" within a few weeks. It felt like an arranged "marriage". Honestly, without my parents support, my options were limited 26 years ago. Now, I can think of several things I COULD HAVE done, but they never entered my mind back then.

My parents did not call me names...I am sorry yours did. That had to have cut to the bone.

If I may ask... How is your relationship with your parents today? Are you in an OA? Do your parents participate?

SuddenlySusan · #3 02-21-2008, 12:07 PM

m-mom,

I am truly sorry for your loss. I am also the mother to a son lost to adoption in 1971. There are those that would have others think that we actually had a choice in the matter, but as you found out by reading this book, manipulation and societal pressure informs that choice.

It's a great book, and I would suggest that you share the book with others who do not understand your pain. I bought four copies and am still circulating them among friends and family... most of whom are just brought to tears as they read of the pain and grief.

I hear your pain...
Peace,
Susan

lahdh4 · #4 02-21-2008, 06:15 PM

I found that even though I placed in 2004 I could relate to anumber of the stories.
It is a very good book, IMO and should be shared

josh1788smom · #5 02-21-2008, 07:17 PM

I totally related to that book. My son was born in 1988, but I think it had something to do with being raised by parents from that era.

My parents line, particularly my mother's, that I still remember today is, "no man will want you with another man's child." Nice!

***taramayrn*** · #6 02-22-2008, 09:57 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lahdh4

I found that even though I placed in 2004 I could relate to anumber of the stories.
It is a very good book, IMO and should be shared

I had the same experience with reading the book. I also believe it should be shared.

m-mom · #7 02-24-2008, 12:26 PM

oceans- I do have an open adoption with my son. I see him 2-3 times a year for the entire day. He and i have also recently started writing letters to eachother, which makes the time in between the visits not so hard. My parents also visit him and he calls them "grandma" and "gradpa" and they think it has all worked out beautifully! But then again they weren't forced to give up their first born.

My relationship with my parents is strained. My mom appologized a few years ago, and told me she thought I would just "get over it." I think at this point I need to forgive them, but that comes easier said then done.

As for sharing the book, I completly agree that it will help my loved ones have more empathy toward me and my emotional outlook on adoption. I recently asked my fiance to read it after he told me.."Don't worry, we will have our own children." As sweet as that was I cringed because my birthson is my own child, and no child will replace him.

Oceans · #8 02-24-2008, 01:02 PM

m-mom: I hear you. I am from the closed era. I had a "kidney infection" when I went away. Our stories are similar. When my mom apologized a few years back she also said, "you know, if you wanted to bring him home we would have supported you". OK, that would have been nice to know way back then!! Honestly, I doubt they would have but it makes her feel better. Just makes me mad! LOL

I have often wondered how that must make a first mom feel in an OA. Gma. Gpa's, Aunts, Uncles & cousins all get to keep their status, but the first mom gets lowered a notch or two in many cases.

No advice but I feel for you. ((((hugs))))

SuddenlySusan · #9 02-24-2008, 03:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Oceans

I have often wondered how that must make a first mom feel in an OA. Gma. Gpa's, Aunts, Uncles & cousins all get to keep their status, but the first mom gets lowered a notch or two in many cases.

... sheesh!....

Susan

lahdh4 · #10 02-25-2008, 06:10 PM

sometimes I feel that we get lowered down even further.

m-mom · #11 02-25-2008, 06:27 PM

lahdh4-
I completly agree. Once we were at a soccer game for my b-son and my parents got a huge introduction...gpa and gma, and i wasn't even acknowleged. Not even introduced with just my first name! I'm the awkward elaphant in the room that nobody wants to deal with.

lahdh4 · #12 02-25-2008, 06:36 PM

isn't that the truth!!!

SuddenlySusan · #13 02-25-2008, 09:24 PM

((((((((( m-mom )))))))))))

sorry to hear that some people are so ignorant and insecure that they feel the need to treat you in such a manner... not a very good example of being a "better" parent, is it?

***taramayrn*** · #14 02-26-2008, 12:18 AM

It hurts not being acknowledged. ((((HUGS))))

susieloo · #15 02-26-2008, 12:49 AM

I have yet to read this book...have been to a few bookstores here in NZ but havent found it yet...your post has reinspired me to c if I can order it!!! I think I am a little scared of reading it, scared of the emotion and following tears!!!
I was going to start a new thread with this following article...but embarrassingly I cant find how to start a new thread...do we have a blushing emoticon???????????
So I hope you don't mind me inserting it here...being relevant to the 'invisible' feeling.

KT'S SNUB FOR MUM.

Scots singer KT Tunstall is getting married this year- but she wont be inviting her birthmum to the ceremony.
The songbird, who was adopted, has recently got to know her biological mum Carol-Ann Orr. But KT isnt planning on inviting her to the Highland nuptials with drummer Luke Bullen- who popped the question on Christmas day.
"I have spent 32years with my family and I have spent seven years very slowly getting to know my biological mother, so obviously my family is the priority," she revealed.
(get the next bit....!)
"My birthmum totally understands and she is great about it - as are my parents!"

I'm guessing that she doesnt have much choice and grieves in silience as we are so used to doing.
The article made me feel sad. How do you guys feel
Susie
P.S how on earth do I start a thread. I have done it b4 but I feel I have nearly stared a hole in the screen trying to locate the spot!!!!BLUSH

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