[keds]

Hi everyone. I've been having feelings of real anger towards everyone the last few weeks. I have suffered from depression, of and on, since placing my bson for adoption and have always felt anger towards me but lately, especially with the length of time between posts and it seems I'm always the one making contact that every now and again I hit the "blues" and then a day or two of real anger. Why do I always have to be the one, why doesn't he make the effort, why doesn't it seem he's in as much turmoil as I am! I know it's irrational, or is it?, but I need help in trying to keep myself from acting on it. Is this a normal part of the reunion process? Thanks and so far, I'm keeping a lid on it!

[lahdh4]

I am in the same boat as you. I have issues of anger as well. Working with my therapist with those at the moment.

[taramayrn]

Keds - I'm sorry you are the only one making an effort in the relationship. Can you tell your bson how his lack of effort makes you feel?

[quantum]

((((keds))))

From what you've said about your relationship with your son, I would guess that it's stable enough that you could approach him a bit and say 'It would be nice if you made some of the contact' or something!

About the anger though, I haven't felt any towards my bson, BUT I have felt a LOT towards my parents and it is definately affecting my relationship with them right now. I just have no desire to talk to or see them. *sigh*

[Jackiejdajda]

From The Artist Way.. Julia Cameron
Week 3
chapter called. "Recovering a Sense of Power"

Anger is meant to be acted upon. It is not meant to be acted out..
Anger points the direction. We are meant to use anger as fuel to take
the actions we need to move where our anger points us. With a little
thought, we can usually translate the message that our anger is sending
us..


I think the title of that chapter is perfect.. recovering a sense of power..
I did not have any power when I gave my son up for adoption.. Power was at the bottom of the list..
I could not act upon my anger back then.. heck I did not know about it.. it was buried beyond finding..

But IMO what we are angry about tells us what we need to sort.. what we need to look at.. what we need to find out about.
My parents.. I was afraid to get angry with them.. I remember commenting that if I ever did get angry with them I do not know what would happen.. I had it that buried.. and now I think of it.. they did the best they could.. they helped me to the best of their ability..
My anger with them is what I needed to look at in myself.
What I needed to look at.. The relinquishment of my son and how it went down and how unhealthy.. it was..

Its like the world was telling me that I was good and I was okay and so on and so on..
And it was not right.. I was not right.. and I was not all better..
My anger pointed me to sort what really happened.. how wrong some people were..
Yes it was right for them.. but it was not right for me.. and I needed to sort it.. sort my feelings around it..

Keds wrote..

Why do I always have to be the one, why doesn't he make the effort, why doesn't it seem he's in as much turmoil as I am!

I could have said that about my husband and my parents in the years before my understanding.. that they were doing the best they could..
Maybe you are being triggered.. and maybe this is about much more than whether your bson is connecting with you..

I know it's irrational, or is it?, but I need help in trying to keep myself from acting on it. Is this a normal part of the reunion process?

I think it is normal.. Cameron wrote..

Anger is meant to be listened to. Anger is a voice, a shout, a plea, a
demand. Anger is meant to be respected. Why? Because anger is a *map*.
Anger shows us what our boundaries are. Anger shows us where we want
to go. It lets us see were we've been and lets us know when we haven't
liked it. Anger points the way, not just the finger. In the recovery
of a blocked artist, anger is a sign of health.

I do not think I liked the way I was treated when I relinquished.. but I buried it.. I felt neglected.. I felt.. guilty.. I felt a lot of negative things..
So maybe Keds.. expressing or looking at the anger from the very beginning may help..

Jackie

[keds]

Thanks everyone. I'm leaning towards therapy but I've been burned before where my "therapist" shared my story with others and I used to live in a very small town. Quantum, you know that I too have issues with my mom and Jackie has reinforced why- when I relinquished I buried everything and "soldiered on". I am just realizing how angry I am at how I was pushed into it, especially since everyone is telling me now that it was all my decision and they didn't have any say in the matter! Although, my brother has been most vocal about that being untrue, in my defence. Funny, as he is much older and we've never been close. I think I'm mostly angry that I didn't understand my options - could I have raised him and would he have the same level of success as he does now? I hate the "what ifs" but they are there and have to be dealt with at some point.

I can't say that I am angry AT my bson but rather about him and when I think of how things are going right now I'm just angry, period. I know that doesn't make sense.
I married bdad and we never discuss the adoption - he has no feelings and I have them all! I don't think I'm comfortable enough, or is it secure enough, to ask bson to take over. I think he's content (which is great) knowing if he needs to speak to me I'm here and any contact is fine with him. I know he prefers me to be the one to call or write as he says he doesn't want to intrude - I truly hate that word. How do you convince someone that they can call anytime - even if you've said it 100 times? I know it seems that I want more and, Jackie, you are probably right that it stems from so many years of NOT being OK.

I have never acted on my anger about anything before, as you said, I was always afraid of what the other person's reaction would be - would they just walk away? I have been honest with him about how I feel all along and yet I am so uncomfortable with my feelings at this point. I just wondered if it's normal and something I can work through on my own or not. Maybe I should just leave things alone and wait to see how long before he calls/writes as I am pretty regular, no more than 4-6 weeks but then I think that's playing games and I hate that as well. Christmas is just around the corner so I could probably hold off until then. I suppose if I really want to know how he's doing, I'll just keep being the one who writes.

On a happier note, friends are getting married next summer, second time for both, and their wedding is, of course, on bson's birthday! I told my husband that I might not be able to go! How's that for planning for a non-event. I don't even know if he'll want to see me! My husband did say it was up to me though so he's finally realized that bson is now a part of my life and isn't going to just go away. But for the drive, I could probably do both. I might be able to go down the day before, see him for a coffee or brunch and drive straight to the church - it's only about 5 hours away.

Sorry for the long post and thanks again, I'm going to check for Cameron's book. I think it's a worthwhile read for me. I appreciate your advice and thoughts. I'm just amazed at the magnitude of my emotions. Quantum, I haven't talked to my mom for sometime and it's doubtful we'll be speaking again anytime soon. Too bad but as my brother told my older sister - "it's not about her!" Ciao!

[SchmennaLeigh]

It took me three failed therapists to find the one that I have now. That said, without her, I wouldn't be as far along with my anger issues as I am. For awhile, I wouldn't even ADMIT that I had anger issues because I viewed them as totally negative and something that only weak people had to deal with. Guh, I had everything all backwards! LOL

[browneyes0707]

Me! Me! I'm Angry! (LOL!)

My anger basically hit me upside the head just last week. Threw me for a loop, I'll tell ya.

I think it's normal, but I don't know if it is related to the fact that I am in the same boat and frustrated with the way my adoption relationship is at the moment or it was bound to happen anyway. I'm sorting it out. I've been blogging a lot, and I have been toying with the idea of making an attempt at therapy.

Hang in there Keds!

[Jackiejdajda]

when I relinquished I buried everything and "soldiered on". I am just realizing how angry I am at how I was pushed into it, especially since everyone is telling me now that it was all my decision and they didn't have any say in the matter!

Maybe posting about that anger may help.. Tell the world..
Its what I did..

I got very angry after I met my bson.. very very angry..
I hated that this beautiful man that was so like me was not allowed to be mine to raise..
I hated it beyond words..

It took some time to work through the anger.. but I let it go.. I did not supress it..
I was very good at suppressing anger.. It just goes back in and continues to make trouble..

My mom and dad on the last nite before I went to sign the papers said.. “Awe Jackie.. maybe you should keep him.”
Crap.. all the hiding all the trips to look at the poor people.. all the secrets..
The drive in the nite to the hospital me in shame.. terrified that they would send me back.. to the motel..
Its like they took a pass.. and I had made the decision all on my own..

I think I'm mostly angry that I didn't understand my options - could I have raised him and would he have the same level of success as he does now? I hate the "what ifs" but they are there and have to be dealt with at some point.

And if you name that and if you claim that.. then you can end up on the other side of it..
Deep down resentments..

I can't say that I am angry AT my bson but rather about him and when I think of how things are going right now I'm just angry, period. I know that doesn't make sense.

It does to me.. Angry at the situation and how its playing out..

Learning about letting the bson be who he was and is was real important to me.. Letting him be..
And finally accessing anger.. and letting it travel through my body..
I used to type up messages on another board the year after I reunited.
I ended up with almost everyone angry at me..
I would fight about anything.. and I think I was practicing showing my anger..
I do it on these boards and I do it at home now.. I allow myself to express my anger..
I no longer give in.. and I stay consistent with it..
I tell my husband about what has happened that I do not like.. I stay in the first person.. and I like Cameron says.. do not act out.. I address what is making me angry..
For me it was like I had stuffed my anger for so long I worried that if I ever did express it.. I would become a monster..
Now no more.. If I don’t like something going down I say I don’t like it.. and I take the consequences..

I married bdad and we never discuss the adoption - he has no feelings and I have them all!

Something to explore..

Cameron writes..

Anger is meant to be acted upon. It is not meant to be acted out..
Anger points the direction. We are meant to use anger as fuel to take
the actions we need to move where our anger points us.

... as Cameron says.. the anger is the fuel.
It gets us going and retreating is not an option.
Unless you fold.. That’s power.. Power of the self.. Power in the sorting..
If you come out the other side of it.. then it goes away.. It no longer sits in you and makes you (for lack of a better word) angry.

I don't think I'm comfortable enough, or is it secure enough, to ask bson to take over. I think he's content (which is great) knowing if he needs to speak to me I'm here and any contact is fine with him. I know he prefers me to be the one to call or write as he says he doesn't want to intrude - I truly hate that word. How do you convince someone that they can call anytime - even if you've said it 100 times? I know it seems that I want more and, Jackie, you are probably right that it stems from so many years of NOT being OK.

My bson does what he wants to do.. And now I have given myself permission to do what I want to do in our reunion.
The not wanting to intrude may be an easy way to say I am not comfortable at this point.. calling you anytime.
He may be using words to placate the situation..
No blame..
Its who he is..

We can not make our reunions go down the way we want them to..
All we do is make ourselves upset..

I have never acted on my anger about anything before, as you said, I was always afraid of what the other person's reaction would be - would they just walk away?

The terror of setting up a boundary.. The terror that if you do they won’t like you..

I think of the childhood stuff written about by John Bradshaw..How he writes that a kid needs to learn that he or she can say "NO!"

"No I won’t!"

And know that the parents or caregiver will still love he or she..

I did not have that kind of learning.. I could not say no.. I was the peacemaker..
I never put up a boundary.. never understood them..

Anger and acting upon that anger is in some way.. putting up a boundary with someone.. saying.. “Go this far.. but go no more.”
And if they go too far.. walking away.. being able to do that and still be okay and solid in self..
Loving the self in order to do that..

There are so many sayings out there that.. if you don’t love yourself how can you love others..
That was always an enigma to me..
Now I think I understand.. loving myself enough to do The Artist Way.. aka Julia Cameron.. There are lessons in the book.. Journaling.. and walking and dates with yourself.. an inside job..
That’s the act of loving the self..

I have been honest with him about how I feel all along and yet I am so uncomfortable with my feelings at this point. I just wondered if it's normal and something I can work through on my own or not. Maybe I should just leave things alone and wait to see how long before he calls/writes as I am pretty regular, no more than 4-6 weeks but then I think that's playing games and I hate that as well. Christmas is just around the corner so I could probably hold off until then. I suppose if I really want to know how he's doing, I'll just keep being the one who writes

.


I let my bson go the second time.. I honestly let him go..
I let go of the wanting..

On a happier note, friends are getting married next summer, second time for both, and their wedding is, of course, on bson's birthday! I told my husband that I might not be able to go! How's that for planning for a non-event. I don't even know if he'll want to see me!
My husband did say it was up to me though so he's finally realized that bson is now a part of my life and isn't going to just go away. But for the drive, I could probably do both. I might be able to go down the day before, see him for a coffee or brunch and drive straight to the church - it's only about 5 hours away.

But its not here yet..
Cameron says.. pay attention to right now.. Stand knee deep in the flow of life and pay attention..
That’s what I do..
Say yes to everything.. is my suggestion.. and see what unfolds..


Jackie

[taramayrn]

I certainly agree that anger is normal. I remember being so angry about the adoption, etc that I couldn't even speak and explain what I was angry about.

I also agree that it is important to not bottle it up. Write a letter to whoever and not send it. Write down your honest feelings. Talk with a therapist. Talk with us here. Just don't bottle it up.

[keds]

Thanks everyone! The dog and cat are tired of listening! Anyway, I'm going to back through and read all of the posts as I'm particularly "antsy" today - no reason, mabye the weather?? Enjoy the rest of the day!

[Jannyroo]

Originally Posted by keds

Hi everyone. I've been having feelings of real anger towards everyone the last few weeks. I have suffered from depression, of and on, since placing my bson for adoption and have always felt anger towards me but lately, especially with the length of time between posts and it seems I'm always the one making contact that every now and again I hit the "blues" and then a day or two of real anger. Why do I always have to be the one, why doesn't he make the effort, why doesn't it seem he's in as much turmoil as I am! I know it's irrational, or is it?, but I need help in trying to keep myself from acting on it. Is this a normal part of the reunion process? Thanks and so far, I'm keeping a lid on it!

Hi Keds,
I'm about to PM you with some help. But I've been through the anger stage and the shere unfairness of it all. We go through all of that, pain of many years to find or be found by our child and now the gnawing realisation that the very thing we thought would 'help' them through life - a good family, a daddy, security etc etc yabba yabba and NOW the very things that get in the way, are the defense mechanisms that our children have due to that very adoption. Wanna scream or what?

You are now past the honeymoon stage (as if I needed to tell you) and are now in the quagmire of "hello, what the heck is going on?". Everything was SO GOOD, what have I done? Why, if everything is as good as he says it is, is he holding back? why do I feel as if I"m doing IT ALL? Well my very dear friend, its the defenses. My son is an 'acting out' adoptee, so its plain for all to see that he has pain, lots of it and I can see it and thats why I read Verrier. Your son is the acquiescent one and its not so easy to see. He may be quiet and seem in control, but he's probably going through the same as most adoptees seem to. He has security issues, trust issues and this is your testing period. Not nice, I'm going through it too, but some relief is at hand in my PM. Hope it helps.

Hugs and fondest wishes Keds,
Jannyroo

[Jannyroo]

Originally Posted by keds

Thanks everyone. I'm leaning towards therapy but I've been burned before where my "therapist" shared my story with others

when I relinquished I buried everything and "soldiered on"..........I was pushed into it

everyone is telling me now that it was all my decision and they didn't have any say in the matter!

I think I'm mostly angry that I didn't understand my options

I hate the "what ifs" but they are there and have to be dealt with at some point.

I can't say that I am angry AT my bson but rather about him and when I think of how things are going right now I'm just angry, period. I know that doesn't make sense.

I married bdad and we never discuss the adoption - he has no feelings and I have them all!

I think he's content (which is great) knowing if he needs to speak to me I'm here and any contact is fine with him.

he doesn't want to intrude - I truly hate that word.

.... said it 100 times?

I know it seems that I want more

I have never acted on my anger about anything before

and yet I am so uncomfortable with my feelings at this point.

I just wondered if it's normal

Maybe I should just leave things alone and wait to see how long before he calls/writes as I am pretty regular, no more than 4-6 weeks

Christmas is just around the corner

I'm just amazed at the magnitude of my emotions. Quantum

I haven't talked to my mom for sometime and it's doubtful we'll be speaking again anytime soon.

Well Keds, taking a look at the above (now dissected), I think there's pretty much a fair amount to be angry about!!!! You are confused by your emotions, but I feel that is because you are so intimidated by the fact you have it and WANT to express it and I get to feeling that you aren't used to being angry, more like acquiescent, a bit like the son who is now in your life. There are plenty of reasons for you to be angry, take a look at them!!!!

First you get 'burned' by a therapist who broke the first rule of professionalism, lack of confidentiality.

Second, you were pushed into giving up your son by others.

Third, to add injury to your feelings, they are now saying "nothing to do with me, it was YOUR decision" - ouch, ouch and double ouch.

Fourthly, you didn't know your options, like a lot of us, you did as you were told, we were too young and not experienced enough as we now are to realise we were duped.

Fifth, you are now wondering how things would have been and that is a perfectly normal part of the grieving process that comes with reunion. I found I HAD to grieve that, it is a huge loss, absolutely HUGE.

Sixth, you feel that you are not angry at your birthson, but I feel you are. You are angry that you are in turmoil and he seems collected. You are angry that you went through all of that pain, distress and loss, and yet he appears fine. You have pain, he isn't showing any. Thats enough to make anyone angry. Its perfectly normal, but realise its a two edged sword in that we gave up our children for a better life and yet, boy does it HURT we realise that they DID have a better life. My son for sure has had his needs met much better than his bfamily ever took care of mine (not) and did it make me angry, sure it did!!! Also, you want to express your emotions and he is a blank canvas, no reaction, and its making you angry (and its OK to feel this, it really is, just be honest with yourself and then you will be ok to move forwards.... I've been there, this is why I'm saying this, its not a criticism). The trouble is, his non expression is showing his pain, but differently from what you would have expected.

Seventh, you then marry the birth father and what does he do when HIS son turns up? NOTHING. Its HIS son for crying out loud and yet he's not interested? How crazy is that????? Anger? You betcha! He never discusses the adoption?? Aghhhhhhhhh !!! Well, he is bound to have feelings. He may not discuss them, but he WILL have them, but perhaps your son takes after him in that he won't open up??? Is that a possibility? But thats enough to drive you up the wall, because you are the one with the feelings coming out and now you have TWO guys who won't go there!!!

Now, eighth point. You, like myself, kid ourselves that its ok for our sons "to know we are there for them" but inside we are screaming WE WANT MORE CONTACT. I sure as heck haven't gone through nearly 3 decades just to have him "pop" in and say "hi" and disappear for weeks at a time, no sir! I will "give" him the pull back time, but I have needs too, and from time to time, he gets to know this. It's different now, as I have more confidence in what we've worked through together, but in the early days, it is a TWO way street, despite what our guilt trips tell us.

Then there's the 9th point - His saying I really don't want to intrude. Eh???? no wonder you feel angry, I AM YOUR MOTHER how can you possibly be intruding????!!!!! I HAVE MADE IT CLEAR TO YOU THAT I WANT YOU IN MY LIFE and yet he feels he is intruding. Well Keds, that is an eye opener if ever there was one, true to form, as Verrier puts it, he feels as if he doesn't count. So you see, he DOES have feelings, but they are coming out very subtley. You've told him 100 times that he's not intruding, but he feels like he does. That's a product of adoption. Thats one big lack of confidence he has - you want him in your life, and you are not saying he's intruding, but its what he IS FEELING and its the adoption defense mechanism again. Cor, good old adoption issues, my son's issues are doing my head in at the moment. He hasn't responded to 3 emails at the minute and the gap is the largest I've experienced.

10th point: You want MORE and he's not able to give it (mine's the same). I'm angry, you're angry, BE ANGRY, its the adoption issues again, and getting in the way of our relationships with our grown up kids.

11th point: you have never acted on your anger before. All these years and you have bottled up and now its coming out full throttle. Yeh girl, let it out! I've done so, I have a counsellor worth her salt that I've punched the table with my hand I've been sooooo angry! I've vented on these forums as another avenue. You are probably shocked in that you never felt you could be or feel like this! Its a bit like me being quiet and timid - unheard of (LOL!!).

12th point: you are now made to feel uncomfortable with your feelings, as they are hitting you with such force and you are wondering whether your feelings are normal. When I'm made to feel odd, when I have such swirling emotions deep inside, that makes me angry. With lots of care and understanding, it can be worked out Keds, I'm just so glad you've exploded on these forums, that was a good move, we can help. Don't be uncomfortable with your feelings (if you have time, check my journal, as there is an illustration of being at sea that will better help you understand what is happening to you, being in a boat, looking on the horizon for communication from your son, and meanwhile, huge bubbles of emotion are depth charging under the boat and you have to cling on for dear life so that you aren't drowned by them..... )

13th point: you don't feel as if you are being true to yourself by writing to him every 6 weeks or so. That will frustrate you. Find your happy medium. I told my son in the early days, that I needed more contact from him. We slowed down later, but he had to realise that I needed it to function. We have to show them we have needs in these brand new relationships that are being built from scratch. I can sense and feel your frustration. It can get better, as mine did, but it has gone backwards too. But as more time is under your belt, you will have more confidence to cope with any pullbacks. They are as sure to happen as the sun is about to come up tomorrow.....

14th point: Christmas is coming up and you feel you haven't sorted the issues as to who spends what time with whom. Frustration and anger usually go hand in hand. I would not make a fuss over christmas to be honest. I didn't give my son any reason to have to "choose" who to be with at that time, but then again, he's not even ready for a second F2F, so the issue didn't come up, but I didn't hear from him for the entire December and 2 weeks into January. So don't sweat, it really is very early days and you've had so much already, so you may panic feeling that what you had is being taken away, but it truly isn't. It is a very testing time, but you will come through this. As Kune says, remember that where you are at now, you hoped you would be some time previously.

15th point: Your mum. I only have the above comment you have made to go by, but it seems you are unable to turn to the person you need most and that must be driving you to despair. But can you see that there are at least 15 reasons as to why you are (rightly) feeling angry??? Knowing what they are is a good start to realising you have every reason to be angry KEDS. Take heart. Its ok to feel what you are feeling. Its ok to be angry. That is probably a very new emotion for you and it will give you power to your elbow and that will surprise everyone ... including you.

Love & Hugs, and keep venting....
Jannyroo

[keds]

Thanks Janny - I'm still trying to work through the above and I just found out I've been asked to participate in an audit 10 minutes from my bson's hometown next Friday. Given my "emotional state" I can't decide whether to tell him or not. I always feel when I'm that "close" that I should, as I LOVE seeing him, but I do always feel I'm "intruding". What do you all think? call, e-mail, text? I really only have a small window of time, even if he's agreeble, like maybe 30 minutes, but if he wants to see me, I WILL make time but I don't want him thinking it's ME that needs to see him (although, if truth be told, any time with him is needed!). Thanks! Kate

[RavenSong]

Originally Posted by keds

Thanks Janny - I'm still trying to work through the above and I just found out I've been asked to participate in an audit 10 minutes from my bson's hometown next Friday. Given my "emotional state" I can't decide whether to tell him or not. I always feel when I'm that "close" that I should, as I LOVE seeing him, but I do always feel I'm "intruding". What do you all think? call, e-mail, text? I really only have a small window of time, even if he's agreeble, like maybe 30 minutes, but if he wants to see me, I WILL make time but I don't want him thinking it's ME that needs to see him (although, if truth be told, any time with him is needed!). Thanks! Kate

Kate, why in the world are you afraid of letting your son know that YOU need to see him? That you WANT to see him?

You know, I'm really glad in many ways that the Internet and Email weren't available in 1990 when I reunited with my son. This forced us to forge our new relationship in person, face-to-face. We also talked a lot on the telephone. When I initially reunited with bson, I was living out of state. I flew back to my hometown to meet him within several weeks of our first phone conversation. As soon as I met him, I knew I had to move back to San Diego if I had any hopes of developing a long-term relationship. So, about two months after the reunion, back home I went.

For the next couple years, I picked him up every Saturday afternoon and brought him over to my house or to the beach. Those days I will always treasure...

I have a hard time understanding why people rely so much on email to build their relationships. For myself, I need to hear the other person's voice and actually spend time with the person I'm building a relationship with. There is so much interaction that happens just with body language and eye contact, alone.

Anyway, I vote that you let your son know you'll be in the area and would like to visit with him for a short while. Perhaps there is some way you could stretch that 30 minutes into an hour or two?

As for the anger you're feeling. There is something I think that a lot of birthmothers don't like thinking about. Namely this: I believe that when our children seem indifferent or don't put much effort into the relationship (at least in our eyes), we feel angry. But that anger is really masking fear. Fear that our children don't love us, fear that we don't matter to them, fear that they will leave us. I don't have any easy answers on dealing with the fear and anger. I just know that the two emotions are normal in different phases of reunion.