[keds]

Hi, thanks for the advice. I'm going to give him a call and you are quite right - I am afraid of the "indifference" and it is likely why I'm so angry. I only have a moment but want to come back later tonight and read through everything again.

[keds]

Ravensong - thanks, I have thought of moving back but hubby's against it and I have a great job so I can work from anywhere so I make lots of trips - every 2 - 3 weeks. Fear is it! I am afraid that I've been given a "glimpse of his life" and that's all. I am thankful for it and I have to work through all the negative feelings and get to a place where I can be content - alot stems from not dealling with any of this stuff almost 30 years ago. Lots of reading to do tonight!

[leakaye]

Hi Keds, just want to add one thing. Before you get really upset because he seams so calm and collected, just remember, he is a MAN. Men are men are men. They don't talk about their feelings, they don't show their emotions, they don't cry unless they break a bone, and they don't care about a lot of stuff we women care about. Just remember, he may have lots of feelings, but as most men are, he is probably confused and frustrated about how to show those feelings, or maybe he is scared to show them because he doesn't want to upset his aparents. Adoptees go through a lot, regardless if they admit it or not. So don't get upset because he is not calling you all the time. I understand your need to feel loved, but in a way, we did, give that away. It was our sacrifice, we chose them over us, regardless of what our situation was, we signed the papers, we made that choice. I hate saying it, or thinking it. I hate admitting that I did that, but I did, and now, I will just love any bit of anything I get from my son, and live for the moment. So what if you have to call him, at least he answers the phone! He will get there, give him time. xxxx Big Hugs.

[SuddenlySusan]

I think Leakaye has a point here, Kate. And in your case you have both bson and DH. If bson does not feel welcomed by DH, then his feeling reluctant to "intrude" seems not unreasonable. Perhaps DH has buried his feelings as well. It may just take more time. That doesn't make it any easier on you, of course.

The letter-writing ratio between myself and "R" is about 3 to 1. It's close to that with the son I raised. My daughter calls me three times a day. I've never spoken to "R" on the phone, but we do use text messaging while traveling for visits. I think sometimes it's even harder when guys are younger.

I was concerned in the beginning about how much to correspond with "R" so I just asked him. He said to write as much and as often as I wanted. So, I do. I send him 2 to 3 emails each week, he sends about 1 per week. I try to send at least one "story" each week, a longer email which is story-like in nature, featuring various situations, relatives, adventures, etc.

I also generally send photos once a week, and if I don't have any really cool photos, I just aim the camera at myself and send a recent one of me (fortunately, I don't have to do that often). Sometimes the email is just a photo with a short line or two.

Emails were flying around more frequently as it got closer to visits, but then level out in between and then I send maybe 2 emails a week... one with a story, and one with pictures. I know that "R" loves to read the stories, but I also know that he doesn't have a lot of time to write. But, we are communicating. I write much more than "R", but when we are together he talks much more than me, so it all evens out in the end.

In the beginning of our reunion, I would get very anxious if I didn't hear from "R" -- because I was afraid of losing him again. It helped a lot to remind myself to *live in the present* and not project my fears into the future based upon past experiences. It's not easy and I'm not always successful, but it's the healthy way to go for myself and for others in my life who need my attention as well.

It's hard in the beginning, Kate, and I know you feel torn, but I admire you greatly -- you have a lot of courage, and you're a strong woman. You have our support, encouragement and love.

(((HUGS)))
Susan

[keds]

Susan and leakaye, thanks. I am starting to realize that most of the anger is at myself. I am working through things and my last message to him was returned promptly as I was totally honest and focusing on HIM and not me alone. I do forget how "men are men" and only have to look at my DH for that! No emotions and there is some affect on my son that his dad can't handle the emotions of meeting him. In that respect I am the strong one. I will do everything to make him feel safe, welcome and make up for my choice, even though it was the best thing for him! I just hate being angry! I guess this is part of the process and I do hope I can last through. With the holidays fast approaching I'm anxious about them but if I follow my heart, well that can't be wrong! (((hugs))) kate

[leakaye]

you got it girl! you ARE the strong one! More power to you! Happy Holidays...x