[taramayrn]

I'd be interested in hearing your thoughts on Jenna's post about therapists and birthmothers.


Birth-First Parent Blog - Why My Therapist Was So Hard to Find!

[keds]

Hi, I have yet to find a counsellor/therapist that I am willing to open up to as the ones in the past all start by saying "it's been 27 years and you haven't worked through it yet, you should be glad your son is happy, successful" yada yada yada. Maybe the fact that I am not comfortable seeking counselling could be why there aren't many qualified counsellors? Just my thoughts.

[lahdh4]

It is hard. I tried to find one that is closer to me since the one that I see cannot write scripts and works for the agency that I used but sees people outside of there and to get to her is an hour on two trains since I live in the boonies.
The ones that I found in the closest big town or city near me were of no help. They said in their ads that they dealt with adoption but when I called it was only in the form of adopted children. I asked "what about birth/first moms" and they had no response to that.

[bromanchik]

As a therapist and a birthmother I have found few resources that really are out there to help therapists with treating the trauma and loss that comes with placing a child for adoption.

There is a good book called Trauma, Loss and Resilience: Theraputic work with Ambiguous Loss by Pauline Boss. It is tremendous.

Also, I do consult with therapists for free through Insight.

[taramayrn]

I think the lack of therapists who focus on adoption loss, etc. has to do with the stigma still attached to being a birthmother and the discussion of loss in adoption.

Society likes to focus on the joy of adoption - the experience of the adoptive parents. We are still the forgotten peice of the puzzle. Our grief and loss, if discussed, could (God forbid) skew or change society's view of adoption. It's not so hunky dory after all...

I also think that the discussion of our issues, so to speak, could make birthmothers real. Rather than the "crazy" birthmother who "steals" her child years after relinquishment, we could be seen as real people, your next door neighbor, etc.

I think birthparent grief makes alot of people uncomfortable, especially the grief experienced through open adoption. Our loss is ambiguous and for so many years society has seemed content to sweep us and our grief under the rug.

I have not had therapy nor do I know the challenge of finding a therapist who has even an inkling of what it's like to live with the loss of a child through open adoption. I can only imagine though, in my small, redneck Alberta town, that I would have quite a challenge on my hands. I do consider myself lucky to have used an agency which helped me deal with many of the issues I've experienced as a birthmother. I do think though, that therapy would be helpful to me, if I could find a good therapist.

Brenda - do you have any recommendations for therapists in Alberta, Canada? PM me if you do please.

[taramayrn]

Okay, I should have said in my original reply that I wasn't able to read the original article which Jenna quoted in her blog post. So, I had another point I wanted to bring up.

The "veteran" birthmoms, those from the "baby snatch" era were told to "move on and forget" and I think society did too. There probably wasn't alot of training in the area of adoption for therapists. I think this is starting to change, I hope.

[bromanchik]

Originally Posted by taramayrn

Brenda - do you have any recommendations for therapists in Alberta, Canada? PM me if you do please.

Have you asked the agency you went through? I'm sorry, I know of no one.....

[taramayrn]

I haven't but will. Thanks -

[BrandyHagz]

I happened to 'fall in the lap' of a fantastic therapist here in the East Valley of Phoenix who is very in touch with trauma and adoption.

I actually started seeing her for another issue and it wasn't until visit 3 or 4 that I disclosed my 'connection' to adoption and every visit since has been awesome.

She's been a wonderful resource for me and I'm so glad to have fallen in her lap.

If anyone is looking for someone in Mesa, Gilbert, Tempe (anywhere in the Valley really, she's worth the drive) I've got a great lady!

[thanksgivingmom]

One would think that where I am (near LA) I could find LOTS of great therapists, but I just haven't found anything....LOTS of high price therapists, lacking in the sliding scale birthmother friendly areas (where I've looked - if anyone can prove me wrong PLEASE DO SO!! )

[BrandyHagz]

TGM,

The adoptive mom that took part in that article in the LA Times is a therapist that specializes in adoption issues and trauma.

I believe she has a private practice.

[browneyes0707]

I remember saying around the time DD was turning one that I wanted to look into therapy. Mind you I was 19 and the only person who knew at that time was b-dad. I probably would have been destroyed looking for a therapist on my own!

I have a difficult time opening up verbally, but from time to time I have toyed with the idea. Just could not imagine letting my guard down to have a therapist treat my adoption issues indifferently. I'd need therapy for my therapy!

[thanksgivingmom]

Wow, thank you Brandy!

[Tigger27]

I was lucky in that the counselor/SW I had that worked with me and counseled me through the agency I used both times I placed was wonderful. She helped me a lot and I still have her phone no and name if I ever need to contact her again even though she is in a different counseling job now and no longer with that agency.

She was an awesome counselor and she's also about my same age so I really connected and did well with her on many different levels with counseling and everything.

I also had another counselor, a guy, who I went to for separate issues, but he did pretty well talking and helping me with some of the adoption issues as well. When I had and went to this guy and this girl at the same time, they complimented each other with the way they counseled me.

They were two separate counseling places and all, but going to the two of them together/during the same time frame back then in my life was just what I needed back then and helped me to get through things and get to the root of a lot of issues.