[janetleigh78]

My bdaughter is 9 and is begging me to move closer. We're MANY states apart and I only get to see her twice a year which now is being cut down to once a year because my new job only gives me 5 vacation days. To top that off, my husband (not her bdad) wants me to take vacations with him every year and won't go on the trips to see her and though she doesn't want me to be close he says never! He doesn't like the state she lives in (the state where I grew up and my family lives), and doesn't want to move out of the state he grew up in. He says he can't get work there (not true) and his family lives here (he never sees them intentionally). So really, I'm not seeing why we need to be here, both of our jobs can move, cost of living is cheaper there, she wants me closer, and I know that her Aparents wouldn't mind as long as I'm not breaking the rules.
The problem is, since I know he won't ever let me move, and vacation time won't increase for 4 YEARS, I don't know what to do to make her feel better and I don't know of anything I can do short of divorce to get it where I can move closer. HELP!!!!

[bromanchik]

Marriage is a partnership. It looks to me that your husband is unwilling to compromise with anything. You might want to get some marriage counseling. It sounds to me like he is into power and control.

[Marimar]

How about finding another job that would let you have more vacation time so that you can go and visit your daughter. Some jobs lets you earn your vacation by working longer or Saturday and Sundays.

[janetleigh78]

I'm more worried about her than my husband or my job's vacation time. You know.. how do i help her understand/cope/heal with the situation. Especially since I get maybe 5 minutes on the phone, sporadically delivered emails and then I guess there is always USPS... all of which seem impersonal and ineffective. HELP

[mom2GRLC]

That's a hard call to make.

Do you have the weekends off?

Maybe you can get a plane ticket leaving friday after work and coming back on sunday night. That would give you little breaks here and there to go visit. Yes they would be short visits.....but they would mean so much to both you and her. Or maybe even just take a friday off from work so you can have an extra day....yet it won't cut too much into your vacation days.

Another option.....some jobs allow you to take the time off for vacation.....their just not paid vacation days....so you'd be taking a cut in your pay....but again it would be worth it.

Maybe you could get a webcam and you can chat that way where you can both see each other....it really is fun and I'm sure she would love it.

I would strongly suggest working on your relationship with your husband. I certianly would never suggest you leave your husband just so you can move closer to your bchild. The relationships are verydiffernt. Kids grow up and they move away....or in your case....they grow up away from you as well....but either way she will be on her own soon living her own life. Your relationship with your husband is a longterm forever companion kind of thing. Why would you give up your lifelong companion for your child you'd only be able to see on occasion anyways, since you are not parenting her.

If your even thinking about leaving your husband over this....then I'd consider counceling both marriage as well as adoption related. It could help to put things in better perspective and maybe your husband will be more willing to make a compromise of some kind recognizing how important this is to you.

[bromanchik]

Originally Posted by mom2GRLC

Maybe you can get a plane ticket leaving friday after work and coming back on sunday night. That would give you little breaks here and there to go visit.

I would strongly suggest working on your relationship with your husband. ... Why would you give up your lifelong companion for your child you'd only be able to see on occasion anyways, since you are not parenting her.

Definately look into week-end visits if at all possible.

As for your husband... I strongly suggest counseling. As a birthmom, I believe that our children and our experience with adoption is a big part of who we are. if he is unable to understand, accept and accomodate/compromise around that, he is not accepting a part of who you are.

While I normally agree with a lot that mom2GRLC has to say, I think she not really getting this. Stating "Why would you give up your lifelong companion for your child you'd only be able to see on occasion anyways, since you are not parenting her." My answer to this is.. She is your daughter, a part of who you are. If he cannot respect that relationship than he is not respecting you. Parenting/not parenting is not the issue here. The issue is respecting the relationship you do have, regardless.

[johnandheather]

It is unfortunate that you are in this position. My only suggestion is to try to work out a compromise. Although, if your husband feels that strongly, a move probably won't be a part of it.

I know this sounds uncaring for your situation, but I would give anything if my wife could even have 5 minutes with her twins. It was a semi-open that turned into more semi-see-you-later and she hasn't seen or spoken to them in 10 years.

So relish what you have, and hopefully your husband will soften his heart enough to work out a compromise.