[baby1995]

i gave up my child 11 years ago and have been dealing with the pain by myself and have been doing as good as i can be. i met her 5 years and ago and see her once a years.
my inquiry is i have a 11 month old daughter and her birthday is next month. i have been married for five years and have never told anyone outside of my immediate family. my daughter is going to attend the birthday party and i haven't told anyone and i'm not sure what i should do. also i had been extremely happy planning my one year olds birthday party and now that its two weeks away i have become very depressed i feel like i might have a breakdown at the party and wish that i had someone to talk to. i don't feel like burdening my husband or anyone else in my family.. he has no idea the turmoil i am feeling i have always been very strong when it came to giving up my daughter no hesitation i know it was the right thing to do but ever since i held my new daughter for the first time i felt horrible so all these feelings are coming out now and i don't know if i can control them any longer also how do i tell my husbands parents about giving up my daugher 11 years earlier. i just feel lost.

[Patty-cake]

I was in a somewhat simular position when I was reunited with my daughter. It brought up some sad memories questions etc. and she was comming for a visit. I was also spending every spare moment copying family photos and corresponding with her. I felt my in-laws deserved an explaination for my recent remoteness and I also wanted them to share the joy.

I don't know about you but I don't mind answering questions about my placed daughter- it's the initial telling of the story that is difficult.

One way I thought about was telling one sister in law- the one I'm most comfortable with or my mother-in-law and asking her to explain my discomfort and to tell the others the story. I also thought about getting my husband to do it.

Then I got to thinking these are people who love me as a daughter/sister. (I hope you are that lucky- of course I'm older and had already been in the family a long time)
I picked a day when all the women were together at my sister-in-laws house. (You could have an informal card party or something) Once there I told them that I had important news-that it was good but hard to talk about. Then I took about ten deep breaths and told them that I had recieved a letter from my daughter that I had as a teenager who was adopted. Then I showed them pictures. Everyone was excited. After that it was easy. The women
told their husbands kids etc. Get the women on your side. I think telling all at once was good- no rumers or false inturpetations- no jelousy about not being trusted with the information first.

Since my reunion is in a holding pattern my in-laws are a source of comfort and strength.

See your doctor about your depression. You may need antidepressants or therapy or both.
Good Luck

[heartbeat]

wow Patty-cake. You gave some excellent advice. Very well-planned, even recognizing that it would be best if possible to tell them all so they'd all hear it from the horse's mouth at once.

baby1995, one thing that occurred to me right away is how your 11 year old might feel. I'm sure you love her and wouldn't want her to think you're ashamed of her. It's not like she's 2 and wouldn't notice you not proudly introducing her as your 1 year olds big sister.

The other thing I thought of is what a relief it would be for you to have that out in the open, never again going through the stress and anxiety of worrying that someone might find out. I know it's hard, may seem impossible, but just think...this could be the last time it'll ever worry you. I agree with Patty-cake. If you can't get together with all of them, try to with 3 or 4. I do really think it's important to tell whomever you're going to tell before the party. For one thing, it'll relieve a lot of your stress. For another, you won't risk making your daughter terribly uncomfortable. It's possible that the secrecy is a large part of your depression.

Warmly, heartbeat

[baby1995]

thanks for the advice i asked my daughter she doesn't even live in this country. but we email each other often she wants to meet my husbands parents so i'm going to be happy about introducing them. i'm trying not to worry about it too much. i just don't feel like answering any questions about the adoption i don't feel comfortable talking about it not just with my inlaws with anyone period i keep it to myself. but i'm just really nervous.

[heartbeat]

Way to go! You're right, the adoption itself is your business. If someone asks, just say politely that it's really personal and you'd rather not talk about it.

I totally understand the nervousness, but draw some confidence that you're thinking ahead and covering your bases - you recognized a potential situation, wrote here to see what others had to say, and have been thinking about it a lot. You're coping!

Keep us posted!

Warmly, heartbeat

[Patty-cake]

You know none of my in-laws asked me any questions about the adoption. I think that shows class. I did tell some things to one sister-in-law. C happened to call the day I got word from my daughter that she was pulling back from me. C. could tell I was crying. After that she called me every day or two until she felt I was safe.

[heartbeat]

C. could tell I was crying. After that she called me every day or two until she felt I was safe.

That's so kind. Nice to know you have someone in your corner.

Warmly, heartbeat

[baby1995]

i've talked to my husband and he told me that he will tell his mom. i think that it will be o.k. for him to tell her we've been in a relationship for ten years and married for five. i just feel like i have been lying to her all of these years. when she was excited about me having her first grand daughter grandchild at that she would talk about her pregnancy and mine and give me lots of advice but i felt uncomfortable because i had been through the situation before and just nodded at her advice. now i feel like a fraud. i really never thought that i would have any children after the adoption and was dreading this situation. also how do i introduce her to my friends and family who never knew that i gave birth. they all want to come to my daughters first birthday, can i tell them no because they are going to be surprised. the situation seems to get more upsetting daily i have until the 15th to take action and i don't want to. it's not fair to my new baby not to have a party and celebrate because of my problems.
it's good to have a sister in law but mine two of them are still teenagers . but it's good that you could confide in them it's always nice to talk about my first daughter with someone that i can trust

[heartbeat]

i think that it will be o.k. for him to tell her we've been in a relationship for ten years and married for five. i just feel like i have been lying to her all of these years.

My opinion only, but I think it woud be best for you to tell her. Not only would you be able to walk away when you're done with your head held high because you're no longer hiding things, but you'd also have the opportunity to tell her that you didn't know what to say when she'd talk as if it was your first pregnancy. Think how much better you'd feel if you had that out of your way.

the situation seems to get more upsetting daily i have until the 15th to take action and i don't want to. it's not fair to my new baby not to have a party and celebrate because of my problems.

It's only upsetting because of the secrecy. If you told them, that would be solved once and for all. Your new baby doesn't know a thing about parties and wouldn't miss one, but that's not the point. The question that I keep asking myself is how do you feel about your 11 yr old? Do you love her? Do you want a relationshp? Do you care more about how she feels than what a bunch of people who are only incidental to your life think about you? I can't imagine not claiming my daughter. I would think your friends of all people would understand. I don't think anyone would judge you as they might have in the 50's. If they do, they're not true friends, and as far as the relatives, if they judge they need to remember a little something about glass houses and throwing stones. Since she doesn't know anyone, the way your daughter is going to feel is going to be determined almost exclusively by how you treat her and introduce her. If you smile and introduce her as your daughter, she'll feel good and valued. If you feel uncomfortable around her, she'll sense it, and if you don't acknowledge who she is, she'll probably feel that you're ashamed of her, and likely feel shame herself. Or, she might say to herself 'well screw you if that's how you feel about me mom' and you won't have to worry about it any more. It would be better for her not to be there at all than to sense that you're ashamed. You're allowing a whole group of people control what you do, how you treat people you love.

Stick up for yourself, hold your head up, and defiantly think to yourself - 'screw them all. I can't worry about what other people think. I have my life to live!'

I've tried to be gentle in this post, but what I want to do is scream "STOP TRYING TO PLEASE EVERYONE!! IT WILL GET YOU NOWHERE!!" I know! If you were to add up all of the minutes and hours of time I've spent in my life trying to please others, it would be at least a year. I think I've finally learned, but you don't have to wait until you're in your 40's.

Keep us posted

Warmly, heartbeat

[baby1995]

good point heartbeat it's making me laugh right now i haven't smiled like this in a couple of weeks. my friends and family wouldn't judge me i just feel bad that i didn't tell them earlier. my eleven year old and i have a semi close relationship she visits every year. her family moved to north europe about 4 years ago we met each other right before she moved. i just feel like o.k. now here's a big part of my life that i haven't shared with anyone and in one day it's out in the open. also on another issue her mom told me that D has been asking her more questions like why didn't i keep her. i don't want to overshadow her visit with her sisters birthday. i would never been ashamed of telling people who she is it's more of my heart racing at the thought of her not being with me now. my life is completely turned around and sometimes i think why didn't i keep her why why why i could have did it but i know she wouldn't have the same oppurtunities as she does now. but i'm an adult and no matter what i will do what is best for her. thanks again hearthbeat sometimes i do think toooo much about other peoples opinions.

[heartbeat]

I'm very relieved. I felt that I was harsh, even though I know I really wasn't. I'm just not used to speaking my opinion that strongly unless it involves something I'm passionate about, like animal abuse. So see? I still have that urge to please - the difference is I can almost always control it now. <smile> When I saw that you'd posted I thought, 'Oh s***, I hope she's not mad.'

I'm proud of you. You're looking at it logically and rationally now. It's easy to let our emotions and fears blind us and distort reality.

Your response to why you've never mentioned it could be many things:
*shrug and say 'I dunno. Guess it wasn't the most important thing on my mind' That tells them that it's no big deal, and that if you're not obsessed, they certainly shouldn't be
*simply say it was personal and painful - everyone understands that
*say you figured you'd tell them when the time was right

The truth is - it really wasn't any of their business, much as you care about them. It's ok to love people but not feel we owe them something.

i just feel like o.k. now here's a big part of my life that i haven't shared with anyone and in one day it's out in the open.

I completely understand what you're saying, but I have to chuckle over this. It's like, well...how do we gradually tell someone something?? LOL Even if I say "I think I'm pregnant" and only say one word a day, on the fourth day, I can't gradually say 'pregnant'!

but i'm an adult and no matter what i will do what is best for her

I believe it! good for you

sometimes i do think toooo much about other peoples opinions

<sigh> Don't we all sweetie. I remind myself that it's ok to care what they think. It's not ok to let it determine my behavior when I know what's best. It's also not ok to let their opinion destroy me if it's a negative one. That's my way of coping sometimes when I'm having trouble - giving myself permission to care, but refusing to allow it to affect me. kind of a mind game on myself.

I don't think the party will overshadow her visit. She wants to be near you and to have your attention. The baby's young enough that it will be easy to be there for both of them.

If any relatives are in your town, the next time you see one or more that you feel would be easier to tell, you might want to go ahead and tell them, and add that you're very excited that they're going to get to meet her. Kinda puts a positive spin on it right away. And remember - look them in the eye. You've done nothing wrong.

Let me know how it goes. Personally, now I think you'll do just fine.

[Patty-cake]

How about going with your husband when he tells his mother? Actually in my experience wemon who are a bit older tend to understand these things better. Adoption was rhe norm when they were growing up. I doubt your mother-in-law will give any thought to having given you advice when you were pregnant. She was just being motherly. If she does think about it I'm sure she will understand.

My mother gave me advice on what to expect when I was pregnant with my kept child the second one. I was married then. Even though I lived in the same house for most of my first pregnancy when I was young and single she told me nothing that I can remember. I guess she didn't want to get attached.

Wasn't it nice to have someone excited and looking out for you this time? If it comes up you should tell her that.

[baby1995]

i got an email from my daughter she will be visiting thursday friday and saturday. i have not told my mother in law yet though. i just feel like telling her hey by the way you don't have to worry about summy having a sister or brother she already does. she wants us to have another baby already. i'm already getting tired of my own indecisiveness get it over with already girl. i just don't want to get too emotional talking about her. which i often do, i can just hold it in until i leave the situation i'm in but with so many different emotions running through me i don't know if i can get control of them while i'm telling her. i also don't want my baby to see me getting upset. i've been putting up a good front for her since the day i took her home and held her in my arms. i was so unbelievably hurt it has been an up and down year for me.

[Patty-cake]

Time is running out. After you get this over with you will feel better so do it!!!

I know it's not easy to talk about without crying but so what? You are crying on the inside now. Odds are that someone else will be holding the baby.

At this point if you absolutely can't handle it let your husband talk to them. Ask him to explain that you want them to know but can't find away. I still think it would be good for you if you went with him- less akward for all when they meet your daughter. This should be a happy time for you. You deserve to be happy so quit tourturing yourself!

I pray for you daily. I am expecting a good report back by Monday. I check this thread at least once a day. We are all pulling for you.

Sorry to be so bossy but that's the mother in me.
Patty-cake

[vernellinnj]

Baby1995 - Sending prayers your way.