[mamabee]

Hi! Since I have reunited with my bchild in 2004, I have been battling depression. The reunion went well in the beginning but we are currently in time out. I gained over 30 pounds and my health began deteriorating. You should see my pill bag! ha! My family has been very supportive but I don't know how they have endured it...What has your life been like with depression and how does everyone around you feel about it?

[taramayrn]

I believe I suffered from depression starting at a very early age, but only started on antidepressants/antianxiety meds in 2001, my son was born 2000. I think this all pushed all of my feelings of depression to a head. I don't think many people in my life could comment on my depression. I am not ashamed of it or hide it but it's something I keep to myself.

[mamabee]

I had bouts with depression I guess for years but until the last year, my depression became full blown. I will never have mixed feelings for anyone suffering with depression again. I have had people (close) tell me to try to focus on other people's sufferings instead of my own. I did and I felt great compassion for them but I still could not control my own deep sadness. My family had to watch me everyday cry. I could not control it...I would be in public and something trigger my feelings and I would start bawling. Somedays, my son would ask my husband what was wrong with Mom and he would say I was having a bad H@@##@ day (meaning my daughter). The pull back and anger in our new relationship pulled emotions of sadness from me that I never thought possible.

[Montraviatommyg]

I have suffered with depression since my early teens so way before relinquishing. This has included 3 suicide attempts and years of sporadic self harming. Last year it became incredibly bad for me to the point of soon after the 1st year anniversary of reunion I needed help. For several months I have been on anti depressants but recently came of them as I couldn't stand the side effects. They served their purpose but I feel much better now.

My family have always ignored my depression and have treated like I've got a bad cold when it's got bad. My dh has been very supportive as he suffers with depression for different reasons obviously but he does empathize.

Pip

[mamabee]

Pip..from what I have read...You have really had a hard life. Do you ever feel sometimes that you will just snap and either go all the way or be committed to an institution? I know I had times when I became scared too death that I would go over the edge because I could feel myself leaving.

[Montraviatommyg]

Originally Posted by mamabee

Pip..from what I have read...You have really had a hard life. Do you ever feel sometimes that you will just snap and either go all the way or be committed to an institution? I know I had times when I became scared too death that I would go over the edge because I could feel myself leaving.

Yes there are times when I do believe that I will snap completely and the wworst will happen. Ending up in an institution would be the lesser of two evils for me personally as I would still be alive. Before reunion I struggled with my purpose in life despite knowing that people do actually like me in spite my dysfunctional family. My mum has always made it clear who was the favourite between us...my sister is perfect in her eyes, I can do no right for doing wrong . My "perfect" sister tells lies about me but I am the liar to the point that I didn't talk to my family for almost three years. When I got in touch with my parents they did admit that they knew my sister had lied about some stuff. It was quite serious what she had been saying at the time we fell out though fortunately the lies told at that time were easily proven as lies otherwise I and and my husband could have ended up in court on fraud charges. My sister still continues to lie about me yet we haven't talked to each other for over six years so sometimes I wonder what planet she's on . My dad has always been the one I have been closest to and always will be.

Last year was a good test for me emotionally plus an incident that happened a few weeks ago. I have found reunion very difficult even though both my son and I both wanted it. A year into it I struggled and got to the stage of being suicidal again. I couldn't do that as I knew it would be unfair to my son so I saw my doctor and for the first time in my life I was honest why I felt the way I do. That's why I was on anti depressants for months which helped but I'm glad to be off them now. After my son and I both pulled back my mood has gone down hill due to that and illness yet I have got through it. It is still hard at times but I know I can deal with this despite everything that has happened.

Pip

[mamabee]

We share a common bond: From other posts, you may remember that I too have been in reunion with my daughter and it has turned ugly and now we are in time out. A couple of weeks ago I believe I had reached my lowest breaking point. The crying got so bad that I cried all day, everyday; My friends were crying because of my pain. I called my doctor and told her I had to have help. She had already known about my reunion and sympathized deeply for me.

I don't want to sound weird here but my doctor told me that my low thyroid was the main reason everything magnified to me. The biggy of low thyroid is depression. I have many other symptoms but she put me on thyroid meds last Tuesday and I have been a different person..slowly..one day at a time. My spirits have been lifted.

Which brings me to my next point; my church has been praying for me continually. Almost every service, I asked the church to pray for me; for God to give me strength. I believe He has...at least enough to have a nice R&R in my heart!!

I know it is not politically correct to mention religion publically but I feel God has helped me. I told my church that I keep leaving my problems at the altar but then a few weeks later, I go back and pick them up again. I didn't pray or even ask God to fix this between my daughter and I but to give me strength to endure and have wisdom.

I will never again feel the same about depression and anyone who suffers from it. If anything, God has let me feel this terrible demon in order to help and to understand others. God bless you-Pip!

[Montraviatommyg]

Oh I agree it's not pc to mention faith ... shame really as I do believe it does help a great deal. Last year I got baptisted but I didn't actually tell my pastor I wanted to be...he told me it was going to happen . It's not that I didn't want to be but the thought of having to get up in front of everybody to give my testimony then being dunked even though 7 others were being baptisted as well.. I am actually incredibly shy so don't like being the centre of attention nor do I like my head being under water. A friend of my sister's did a judo throw on me in a swimming pool when I was about 10 so although I like swimming I just don't like being completely under water. When the day came though I was fine. My faith has really helped me through my times of despair and it is good to being to share with like minded people...yes I have been following your story as well. God bless you too


Pip

[mamabee]

Pip---I know we are supposed to be talking about depression...but you made me laugh so hard in reading your posts....I hope it was meant to be funny...whoops! I hope we can become great friends through this forum.

[cruiseaholic01]

I don't think I would know what it was like to live a day without depression and my pills I take every day. It's been 19 years since I gave my son up for adoption and just when I thought it was going great, I had contacted the agency that had his file, and they contacted his adoptive mother, her immediate response was, "No Contact"... She wouldn't give me any answers to anything. No Picture, Nothing... I just wanted to know his first name, his hobbies, his favorite food. It put me into a spin. There were many nights I had those crazy thoughts that, this is going to be the night that I lose is completely and they lock me up in a padded room, then I'd wake up the next morning and realize another day had come.
Today has been especially difficult. I spent the last 4 days pouring my heart out to my birth son's adoptive mother, so she could know who I was, even if she didn't respond. Took it to the agency for them to mail and they told me, "We can't mail it". She told us not to send her anything. Sorry! In the meantime they had already charged me $300 upfront to open the file and help me find my son and what have I gotten for it, NOTHING!!!!!!!!!!! I know now not one bit more info than I did 19 years ago.
If someone out there knows how to make the pain go away, please let me know. I go to church. I'm a Christian, I pray and pray, but the pain and the void doesn't go away. How could a mother that said such wonderful things years ago about how much they would love my baby and nurture him and tell him he was adopted, become so hateful. I just don't understand. A part of me is so angry. I regret them getting my son if this was how they're going to be. It's not like I'm asking them for their address, full name or anything else identifiable.
Any advice is muchly appreciated. We're all in this together. Taking one day at a time.

Mary Kay

[lahdh4]

I have suffered from depression since my early teens and since 05 I have been on antidepressants. I don't take a full dose, I told my doctor I wouldn't take a full dose. My biggest problem about the whole thing was the reaction I got from my PCP when I asked about being put on something after that I haven't talked to my doctor about it.

Right now I am going thru a down slump and am fighting those feelings again.

[Montraviatommyg]

Originally Posted by mamabee

Pip---I know we are supposed to be talking about depression...but you made me laugh so hard in reading your posts....I hope it was meant to be funny...whoops! I hope we can become great friends through this forum.

It seems that when I'm low I tend to write my "better" posts...another member told me several months ago that I was funny and always seemed to know when to make her laugh. I suppose it's my in built coping mechanism that takes over at times like this. When this other member told me I made her laugh I wasn't sure how to take it until I reread what I posted. Just goes to show that Americans and British can understand each other's humour ... now if only I could get my son to understand it . A long standing joke us wehich he now sees the funny side off is that I keep telling him that it's not my fault that the midwife dropped him on his head and knocked his sense of humour out of him. Wicked (cruel?!!!) I know but he does see the funny side of it. Another is due to "b/dad" issues he is the product of the immaculate conception ... I know too much ... I just can't help myself.

Mary Kay, welcome to the thread and isn't life hard at times. I don't know how I would be feeling in your position so loads of hugs...I do have my serious side. You're in the right place for support and, although I don't want to raise your hopes, remember your son is still young. Many male adoptees don't seem to want to search till around their 30's, others later although my son seems to be an exception to the rule. He started searching when he was 18 and I found him when he had just turned 23 years old.

You've carried this pain for 19 yrs which I do understand and know you've had another blow of "no contact". Unforunately you don't know what's been said to him, his parents may be very frightened off losing him, he may be scared to have contact, so many reasons. I don't want to speculate just throwing out some thoughts to think about .

Lahdh4, I was very fortunate to have a doctor who listened to what I wanted so I compromised over meds as I didn't want them. Since then I have moved but the doctor I have now is also good as she listens too. Two good doctors, one after the other .....

Pip

[Umbilical child]

Hi , I would just like to empathise with you all...I am a 38 year old male adoptee...in reunion with birth mum for many years and have just found birth dad....You would think that me being a guy and happily married father would be able to get on with life but no, I am gripped with depression and have only recently sought out help for it..It can catch us all, I should imagine there are many more of us deranged souls out there on this forum...chin up and take care (((xxx)))...J

[Montraviatommyg]

Originally Posted by Umbilical child

Hi , I would just like to empathise with you all...I am a 38 year old male adoptee...in reunion with birth mum for many years and have just found birth dad....You would think that me being a guy and happily married father would be able to get on with life but no, I am gripped with depression and have only recently sought out help for it..It can catch us all, I should imagine there are many more of us deranged souls out there on this forum...chin up and take care (((xxx)))...J

J, hugs to you as well, look on the bright maybe we are the normal ones. Seriously, it takes a lot of courage to admit to suffering with depression and it's harder for men in a way as it can be seem as a sign of weakness. Personally I believe we are the strong ones as we can admit to not being "perfect". I felt quite strongly months ago that as depression is swept under the carpet then someone should make a stand. I started another thread about how I felt then went hot and cold when I posted it yet I got great responses back.



Pip

[mamabee]

I agree totally...we can't help it that we are in depression, therefore, we should not be ashamed. I feel by us talking about it...we may help someone else along with helping ourselves. It doesn't hurt to hope. Maybe we should talk more about what causes us to become depressed...or at least what triggered it...cause I know somedays..I don't even know why...I just am.