[Christmas]

Hi all...have suffered with severe depression since 1988. Placed my daughter for adoption in 1982. It doesn't stop. I am 'medication resistant'..oohhh..that is BAD! The emptiness from not having my daughter has grown into an 'ocean of pain'..that I live with everyday. Some days better than others..but...when do we get OUt of this? Is this to be my 'serving plate' for this rest of my life? How we did not KNowwww what adoption could do to us. I, and everyone here deserves soooo much better than this. What adoptive parent is saying..'ooh..I am so depressed since I adopted that child'. It may happen..for reasons 'other' than adopting the child. It may be situational in the adoptive parents family.

But, joy...well...the real stuff..haven't had that in it's full entity and fruition for about 2 decades. Again, when does this end? Creativity gone..and I was so creative..and just to feel 'peace and joy'..all at ONCE...is something I have been a foreign friend of.

Never did I think that the relinquishment of my daughter would steeeal..and roooooobbb me of my whole worth. And, my creative personality...as it is. Evidently...some 'move on' better than others. That is a whole other psychological realm to discuss. Who knows why. Perhaps some birthmothers, really really bonded with their babies exquisitely..and are sensitive human beings to begin with..that makes one birthmother different than another..(psychologically). But, with what I've read...we do, as a general population...'settle' for less...in many areas of our life. (Have read psychological overviews). It's awful...eh?

[taramayrn]

Christmas - wow...have you found anything, such as therapy, that has helped ease that pain?

[Mommy24]

Christmas ((((Hugs))) No advice, or words of wisdom, just wanted you to know I love ya girl! Here if you need to talk

[Christmas]

No taramayrn, therapies don't work for me. I actually 'split' when I signed for my daughter. My head went off into different places..and That not healed continues my demise to depression. That is the truth. Plus, I wrote this under a lot of stress. Just lost my husband to a car accident this past March and now am having to sell my house, without job. Soo..many stressors.

But..therapy doesn't work because the 'me' that was, is ultimately changed because of the 'fracturing of my head'. It is all related to stress. And I have a major case of PTSD anyway. Put that all in the loop..and well??

Thank you Mommy, for your concern, and I know you are a good friend. Thank you for all your heart.

[susieloo]

If it was for the best,
why are we depressed?

I had my B.daughter when I was 22. Have suffered bouts of depression ever since.I am now 50 My first episode was fairly mild, medication was given to me, I really wasn't sure what it was all about, and the Dr sent me out of the door, pescription in hand, and told me all I really needed was a good man!!!!!
I suffered Post natal depression after the births of my next two daughters. Not after the birth of my son. I have been in reunion for 10 whole years now. I still suffer from Depression. (The stats are that 70% of birthmothers suffer from some form of mental illness.)

From what I have read recently, it seems we suffer from a form of PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder)
Certain triggers can set us off e.g. when I took my 17yr old daughter to university,her first time away from home, 4hrs away, I cried for a week. There was more going on inside me than saying goodbye to her. The next time I left the same happened, althought not quite to the same extent.
This is good healthy stuff to talk about people. Keep it up.
What I would like to know is how many bmums and adopted children use other forms of medication to dull their pain. Self medicate in other words...using alcohol or some type of drug?

[bajj]

Originally Posted by Christmas

No taramayrn, therapies don't work for me. I actually 'split' when I signed for my daughter. My head went off into different places..and That not healed continues my demise to depression. That is the truth. Plus, I wrote this under a lot of stress. Just lost my husband to a car accident this past March and now am having to sell my house, without job. Soo..many stressors.

But..therapy doesn't work because the 'me' that was, is ultimately changed because of the 'fracturing of my head'. It is all related to stress. And I have a major case of PTSD anyway. Put that all in the loop..and well??

Thank you Mommy, for your concern, and I know you are a good friend. Thank you for all your heart.

((((((((((Christmas))))))))))))

[Christmas]

Thank you, bajj...did my wailing today about Charlie, and am feeling much better..thank God. That's all I did today..wailed and prayed. Going through so much stress too, can way overload the emotions. That's for sure. Thank you for your kindness...you are sweet.

[bajj]

You can wail in my ear anytime you need to. Grief is never easy.

[Christmas]

Thank you Mommy..for all your hugs...I send them back to youuuu....(((((((((((Mommy)))))))))))))

[lonni]

Christmas((((hugs))))) Zoloft can work well for PTSD. Do you have an additional disassociative disorder besides PTSD? I saw you post on the other thread yesterday and noticed your name!!!I am happy to meet you!! My natural mom has PTSD and resistant lifelong depression.For a while,prozac worked for her.But I have heard zoloft usually is the best for PTSD.It takes a bit to kick in, but does work for some.

[Jannyroo]

Originally Posted by susieloo

If it was for the best,
why are we depressed?

I had my B.daughter when I was 22. Have suffered bouts of depression ever since.I am now 50 My first episode was fairly mild, medication was given to me, I really wasn't sure what it was all about, and the Dr sent me out of the door, pescription in hand, and told me all I really needed was a good man!!!!!
I suffered Post natal depression after the births of my next two daughters. Not after the birth of my son. I have been in reunion for 10 whole years now. I still suffer from Depression. (The stats are that 70% of birthmothers suffer from some form of mental illness.)

From what I have read recently, it seems we suffer from a form of PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder)
Certain triggers can set us off e.g. when I took my 17yr old daughter to university,her first time away from home, 4hrs away, I cried for a week. There was more going on inside me than saying goodbye to her. The next time I left the same happened, althought not quite to the same extent.
This is good healthy stuff to talk about people. Keep it up.
What I would like to know is how many bmums and adopted children use other forms of medication to dull their pain. Self medicate in other words...using alcohol or some type of drug?

My son uses/used drugs (cocaine, ecstasy and amphetamines), prescribed anti depressants and alcohol to help him cope with the pain. I was in denial about my son, my emotions were buried so deep that I didn't recognise PTSD which has affected me all my life, until my son discovered me and we are kind of "healing" together, but yeh, its rough. I came off antidepressants and vowed I'd never go on them again. I did some research and found natural antidepressants without the side effects that meds give, changed my eating habits and it works for me (PM me if you want more details) but the biggest factor in my being more at peace with myself is that my son looked for me. That made me feel worthwhile. I couldnt look for him, because I didn't feel I should try and interupt this great life we were brainwashed into believing they were having. He has had a great life, but like any adoptee, he is suffering from the separation anxiety, leading to his drugs and booze days and he's off some and still on drink, but heh, our connection is good and we are steadily working something out together.

[keds]

Hi everyone, I have never "officially" been diagnosed with depression but a few years ago I recognized all the signs. Over the years, I did at times overindulge with alcohol to dull the pain, but, thankfully, it didn't take over my life. Like Jannyroo, I didn't seek out my bson, I left my file open (thankfully, a choice that was available to me) and prayed that he would be interested, when ready. Twenty-seven years later, we're moving along the bumpy road of reunion and all the ups and downs that entails. I don't know what "coping" skills he utilized in the past as it is still early and we're feeling our way along but he told me that he is in a "good place" now and I believe him. I'm hopeful that knowing this will help me overcome the demons of the past as well.

[quantum]

Back in highschool I remember being depressed. I used to hurt myself. Some people may think it was a cry for attention, but it was like the mental anguish was so hard for me to take, it was easier to deal with physical pain.
I got pregnant when I lost my virginity at the age of 17, denied it to myself and kept it hidden until i was 6 months gone. It changed my life in a mostly positive way. I gained a positive focus that I hadn't had before. I wanted to take care of my child. The adoption was part of my taking care of him. I wanted him to have the best life possible and didn't think I was worthy of providing that. I got depressed again in another way. This was more frustration and anger about not being able to talk about my relinquishment and work through it.
A few years later I got married and was encouraged to see a therapist. I was having severe problems coping. Would burst into tears at innapropriate times.
Anyway, I had 5 years of therapy with Paxil. I hated being on antidepressants, it didn't seem right to not be able to feel and they really stopped working after a while. It helped me but I wonder if it would have been better if I'd been able to find a therapist with firstmom experience.
Anyway, I'm ok now I guess. I get depressed but I allow myself to feel down when I do. My current husband is extremely supportive.

I'm realising a lot of things.
1)The adoption affected me WAY more than I have thought.
2)Until recently I've had a habit of choosing partners who were not good for me. I think I felt I didn't deserve someone supportive.
3)I need to talk talk TALK! Holding things inside makes me feel really down.

I know there's more but I needed to get this out.
Thanks for 'listening'!

[Christmas]

Lonni,

Don't know if I have a 'dissociative disorder' as well. But, I have had many major losses in my life..multiple, and now put in the death of my husband and my 'any day now'..going to lose this house..along with the adoption of my daughter, well, yeah..I guess I'm dissociated? Explaining how my mind 'went off in different directions'...long story..that 'mental split'...unhealed, for all these years has really run my life. Some of us, with regards to our background and nuclear families..didn't have much of a choice but to become extremely exacerbated with our decision. Mine, because of my emotional circumstances, (which I will not go into, now), just made me very vulnerable to mental catastrophe. How's That (!!!) for honesty?!! lol

Soo, that being my 'core'..(albeit a precarious one), and the culmination of my husband's death and my losing this house and trauma, Big trauma from childhood to adulthood, has..I guess..left me 'dissociated' for the day. Spacing out is not a good thing..but...it just isss...for now. Hoping to 'get better' soon! Keep those cards and letters coming!!! lolol

Thank you for your concern, Lonni.

[Longtimewaiting]

Thank you all for telling your story. I honestly thought that I was going out of my mind!!! Now I see that Im not alone. Everyday I chose to live because of my children, I wont give up, I wont let the depression take over. It sure is hard to act "normal" when you feel that you are losing your mind to grief. I realize that a reunion with my daughter is not going to make all better, but I do believe that when that time comes, at least I will know what she looks like, smells like, talks like etc, and I will be relieved. Its the deep fear of not knowing.

Thanks again taking one day at a time.