[Montraviatommyg]

I have started this thread as I have suffered with depression for many years which hasn't been helped by people telling me to "get over it", there are other people with "worse problems than mine and they deal it them", and I'm an "intelligent person so should be able to work through my problems" to quote a few comments. For all those who suffer with depression we all know it isn't as easy as that and we need to be taken seriously about how we feel. On top of that there is the social stigma attached to it so people, in general, need to be educated that depression isn't something to be ashamed off.

Ever since I was in my teens I suffered with depression but until now it hasn't been dealt with appropiately. As I was growing up my parents always made me feel so inadequate as I was always compared to my "perfect" older sister who could do no wrong and I could do no right. She was always the "intelligent", I was "stupid" and I was always put down for never being good enough in any way in their eyes. My sister made my life a misery over the years as well by causing trouble which included telling lies about me that my parents believed so I was constantly being told I was a liar. Subsequently I grew up with low self esteem and little confidence which has been hard to live with. The first time I knew I had a problem was when I was about 15 years old and I was suicidal but I got through it somehow. My parents thought I was just attention seeking by being so moody but they arranged counselling which I wasn't prepared for as I hadn't accepted that I did suffer with depression and I felt that I was being stupid feeling the way I did. The counselling amounted to one session as I came across as just being a bit low so I had a standard pep talk. After that I withdrew into myself and became very good at putting on an act for others so they thought I was happy generally.

At 19 I became pregnant just before splitting up from an emotionally bad (for me) relationship but I wanted my baby despite that but once my parents knew I was pregnant they were determined my child would be adopted. Despite knowing how I felt my parents arranged everything even though they knew I could emotionally and financially look after my baby .... I was working. This wasn't discussed at all as that's the way my parents wanted it and they virtually put the fear of God into me not to discuss the situation with anybody else. The first time I saw a case worker was a day or two after I had my son so I was honest about how I felt. Over the next few weeks I stood my ground with her and she asked me not to rush into any decisions but promised to put a halt to the adoption and that she would support my decision. Unfortunately she didn't and told my parents everything I had told her. My parents then started putting on the emotional pressure to get me to agree to the adoption. I was told that I couldn't look after myself let alone a baby yet I was trusted to babysit my niece who was only a young baby herself at the time. That I couldn't afford to bring up a child, I was working and could afford to, that my parents would make sure I didn't have accommodation so I couldn't bring up a baby on the streets nor would I be able to hold down my job. I wouldn't be able to afford childcare, again this wasn't true plus more pressure on top including that they would make sure I didn't get any form of support. I was completely brainwashed by this time by my parents that I believed them but at 6 weeks after my son's birth the case worker told me it was too late and that I couldn't put a stop to the adoption. This year I found out I had been lied to and I could have stopped the adoption. After this my son was talked about at all and my way of coping was to act as if nothing had happened. I never forgot my son but for 23 years on the surface it was as if he had never existed.

Life carried on for me and I was good at putting on an act of being happy. However life did get a bit much for me at times as every time either of my parents were ill I always got the blame although I have never understood why. My mother suffers with asthma and diabetes so every time she has been in hospital I've "put her there" and my father's health has got worse over the years as well. Each time he has been in hospital again it has been my fault for being such a terrible daughter. I have led a very ordinary life and never been in any sort of trouble but my parents have constantly made me out to be a terrible person.

A few times over the years I had counselling but it didn't do me much good as I couldn't really open up about how I felt about my parents. I never brought up about my son being adopted as I felt so ashamed of allowing this to happen nor could I forgive my parents for what the did to me . All I could do was talk about surface problems so once I worked through those I stopped the counselling.

About ten years ago and seven years ago I got to the point of being suicidal again. The first time I took a load of medication, didn't say anything but as it turned out I didn't take enough to do any damage. The second time my husband walked in on me and I ended up spending the night in hospital as I had taken enough to do damage but fortunately I was sick so I was very lucky.

Last year after I found my son I suddenly had to deal with how I felt about him being adopted. Fortunately for me he did have an overwhelming desire to have me in his life and he had been searching for me for 5 years. Our reunion wasn't without it's problems which we have muddled our way through but some of the problems had been caused by my family. I fell out with my family in early 1999 due to my sister telling lies about me again which as usual my parents believed. Later that year my son started searching for me when he turned 18 and found my family quite quickly but honestly told him they didn't know where I was as I had moved. Late 2001 I contacted my parents by letter and let them know why I hadn't been in touch and was prepared to have contact with them as I did love them but I didn't want any contact with my sister. Since then I have had contact with them by letter only but they didn't tell me they had contact with my son or tell him they knew where I was. My sister had also told him lies and half truths about me so I was shocked he wanted to know me. He had been convinced that I didn't want to know him and that my family were covering for me so it must have been a shock to him to find out this wasn't true. We do have a good reunion now and I am thankful for that.

The past year has been hard though as I have had to confront how I feel about my family as well as the adoption. At first the adoption issues took over and I had several counselling sessions starting in December 2004. Unfortunately I didn't benefit from the sessions as they were passive so I found myself chatting about anything except what was bothering me. My counsellor thought I was so well adjusted so there wasn't much point in carrying on even though I told her I needed agressive counselling to get me talking. I don't know how long I would have carried on if I hadn't been a member of the forums or another online group for mothers who relinquished who didn't have any more children. At least I have had support and it has helped me to realize I do need proper help.

About a month ago I started having problems sleeping and eating so I have started losing weight plus I realized I was feeling very depressed. I knew I had a real problem when I started feeling suicidal again so told my husband how I felt but I knew I wouldn't actually commit suicide or try to. Last week I saw a doctor and found the courage to be honest with him about my issues including feeling suicidal. He prescribed medication which is beginning to work and he is arranging appropiate counselling. I feel very relieved to be taken seriously and to be treated as a normal person who is going through a bad emotional time .

Pip

[dl]

Montraviatommyg ~ I am so glad that you made the choice to be honest with your doctor and get some help. Depression is not something one can just "get over" by themselves IMO. If you again find yourself with a counselor that you don't feel comfortable with or doesn't seem to understand your issues, talk to your doctor and try a different counselor. Don't settle for less than you deserve when it comes to getting help.

Take care!! I'm proud of you for taking this step and wish you the very best!!! (((HUGS)))

[cocomfs]

Pip,
I do not suffer from depression, but I have an older sister who is Bipolar and goes through bouts of depression. It is very hard to watch and I know that it really causes many problems in her life. She does take medication and has on and off like yourself saught therapy. It was very educational going through this with my sister, she was not diagnosed until she was in her late 20's and I was in my early 20's. You're right there is such a stigma and I am so pained for my sister to see her struggle with her illness. I am so sorry that you do not have your family to stand by you, I know that with out my family my sister would be god knows where as she has "ran away" a few times and we have had to get the police involved.
I truely wish you much happiness and having watched my sister Rita I know that it takes a lot of work and acceptance - for her acceptance that she must take medication every day for the rest of her life.
I am happy that you have found your son, that too will help in your healing.
Be Well,
Collette

[Jackiejdajda]

Pip

It's like we were not really important..

Once.. a few years back I was into leaving my husband.. I was finally standing up and saying.. I want to be heard.. I want to be heard on a very deep level..

I went to a therapist for divorce counselling as part of the leaving and getting back with my husband process.. and she said.. after I told her my complete story.. that I was one of those kind of people who could cope..

I can not fathom what it is like to have been given the cards you were dealt.. I was treated fairly.. you IMO were not..

I hope you bring what you learn in therapy to here.. I hope we can discuss some of your breakthroughs..

In Further Along The Road Less Traveled.. Scott Peck wrote..(this from memory..) that Benjamin Franklin wrote..”These things that hurt instruct”..Its all lessons.. to me..
Peck also wrote about the desert.. and how some of us have a real hard time trekking through that desert.. and some people just bury their heads in the sand and do not go on.. and learn.. He also spoke of others who held out their hands to help another person through the desert..

I am glad you are here and I thank you for sharing..

Jackie

[Tigger27]

Just wanted to add my words of love, support and encouragement to you, Philippa . I'm so proud of you and think you're the best.

You know I'm always here for you whenever you want to talk, girlfriend .

Sending lots of hugs and love your way.

God Bless.

Anne

[Montraviatommyg]

I really do appreciate all your words and feel better now for having the courage to post. For too many years I suffered in silence so now I want to be able to be openly honest.

Pip

[RiverGal]

Pip ~ Recognition is often the first step toward the healing process...and you are well on the road! I applaude your courage and fortitude in posting such an introspective view of yourself and your pain, as I think there are others who can relate to the battle that rages inside.

I hope you will take Jackie's advice and post some of your breakthroughs and revelations here. Allow us to walk through some of this with you and support you. I just finished nearly a year's worth of treatment for Hep C. Had it not been for some of my forum family and their positive energy, I don't know if I could have kept going.

I'm not prone to depression, however, I do have anxiety that usually manifests in these bouts of OCD. After a week of scrubbing walls, floors, doors, manicuring the yard, not sleeping, etc, I finally have to stop and figure out what the heck is going on.

I tried threapy, but like you, I never opened up. It's tough to do...especially when there is no tangible thing to focus on (as in my case). I've always been the type to "stuff"...never let 'em see me sweat mentality. I also grew bored with the "therapy chit-chat."

Tons of good luck in facing your dragons! I know it is a difficult and sometimes painful journey.

~Deb

[coco46]

Pip,

Your story always breaks my heart when you talk about it. Yet no matter what, your courage, strength, and compassion for others always come through, somehow, despite all you've been through.

I've suffered with depression and anxiety myself, so I know first hand how debilitating it can be. I'm so glad you've finally found someone that seems to be helping you and things are looking up!

(((HUGS)))

P.S. I want to beat up your sister.

[teddypan]

Pip--

So very proud of you for sharing your story. I am like you, and prefer a very directive counselor who can see underneath my fine "coping" facade.

Keep us posted on your journey...you know we are here for you.

(((((pip))))))

Teddy

[Montraviatommyg]

Deb, yes I will be following Jackie's advice and will keep posting here.

coco, I can't repeat here what I'd like to do to my sister here .... enough said that I've thoughts about bombs and her backside .

Teddy, this is good therapy for me being honest and open.

Today I feel crappy as I didn't get to sleep till gone midnight as my hubby insisted on talking. I was up early as we had business to sort out so I didn't get to relax till this afternoon. Despite being tired I couldn't really relax and when I did doze my hubby decided he wanted us to walk our poor excuses of dogs and of course he couldn't do that on his own as he's a male . This evening I had a friend round but that actually did do me a bit of good as I trust her enough to start opening up a bit. It's now 11.50 pm and I am still up as my hubby went round to see my friend's husband but he isn't back home yet even though my friend went home at 10.40 pm . If I go to sleep he will only wake me up for a chat so I shall be patient .

Pip

[cute]

Hello PIP: You are now opening up and finding your way back home.You will do it this time,and if this doc does not work for you then try,and try again.You are a good person& a good friend.I have always appreciated your posts on the forums,very insightful ones.
I also suffer from depression.I had my first go with it after relinguishing my daughter.Had no help at that time but somehow managed to overcome it.It still comes back and I have been on meds for almost 20 years now.Do you know there was a time I was embarrased like you.No one could know,how come everyone else could keep going and I had stopped.That big black hole!!Not nice down there.
Stigma is still there with mental illness when it should not be.Some suffer with diabetes<they take insulin,our nero transmitters are not working right,so we take anti-depressants which help get us back on track.
I find with myself when to much pressure is applied I crumble.If in to tight a place or crown I tend to panic.
I will say that since coming on the forum and getting to know others I am so much better.I am beginning to feel confidence in myself ,that all my life, I did not have.
Why was something I asked the doctor why????
Our life on earth is like a circle,with each day bringing or adding things to that circle.One day we add that one more thing and the circle breaks.We do not funtion anymore,we are lost.Thanks to good doctors and meds,and a family that cares and loves me,I have come a long way down the road.Pip hang in there we are your friends,my heart aches to hear what you endured from your own family.Shame on them!!! You are a good person so you must start believing in your self.You have your son back in your life,he loves you,he wants to be part of your life.That is wonderful!
In my mind there is only one god and he is the only one who will ever judge me again.That is when my time on this earth is over.God bless you PIP!!!! Let no one judge you ever again.Sandra

[dpen6]

pip,

I don't have much words of advise..just lots of encouragemnet. I have seen how depression can be so overwhelming. Take care of yourself. I have SIL that has suffered from it and finelly started taking medication. Her depression was manifested in anxiety attacks...sweating,pounding heart the whole gambit. she got the help she needed and has said to me..."why would sombody not do that for themselves..you desreve it...you are entilted to feel good...and you can!

That comment stuck in my mind..as we are quick to say the manicure, massage ect are ways to make us feel good...why not the medicne, therapy ect....it is needed just as much as ones blood pressure, thryoid medicine.

Good thoughts your way!!

Deb, a little OCd symptons..why??? Umm the journal???

Dang which I could have a little more of that,..I get anxious, depreesed..I retreat..read murder mysteries...and withdraw...the house looks like you know what...especially with 7 people living in it!!

..think you can take a trip to Boston to "cure" your OCD in my house .its very pretty here in autumn!!

[Jackiejdajda]

I used to post my deepest and darkest on a forum on Compuserve..I can remember a post that told about how my mom and dad had left me alone in the house when I was very young.. I turned on all the lights as it had gotten dark and I stood in the window.. Highlighted myself..

Mom and dad drove up and I was so relieved.. that they were back.. Mom told me I was bad to stand in the window like that.. She told me a man could come and grab me if I did that.. I was crushed.. It was an experience I did not like..
There were other times when I was left alone.. so I am sure that was part of my panic..

So I posted all that and then printed up what I had posted and took it to the therapist.. I had an amazing breakthrough day that day.. He asked me..”Would you do that to your child?”… “No”.. I said..
We got into me going back to those difficult times.. and seeing them from my adult eyes.. and seeing their bad parenting.. And we got into how I had a very hard time getting angry with them..

I was locked in that little girl who depended on them and could not get angry about the bad treatment..
He gave me some tasks about this issue and I think I sorted it in some small way..

Jackie

[love4]

Pip
Thank you for sharing your story. You have been a great support to many and I appreciate who you are! You are special!! I hope you will gain encouragement and support from those you have encouraged and supported yourself. I know you have been a great support to me. My prayers are with you and a special hug for a special person. Take Care of yourself because I care!!

[skinnylou]

Hey Pip thanks for sharing!