[Montraviatommyg]

Originally Posted by shef

Pip, How right your elder is (is an elder an older mature person?)......you certainly do have a lotto offer and tohave you there would be an enormous wonderful resource to them...a gift I would say......that is seeing past your depression.....and seeing you the person and your character.
Depression isnt who we are.......it does not define us.....

shef

In this case "elder" means he is part of the leadership team of the church. Although I'm tired today has been one of my better days, thank goodness.

Pip

[6boysrus]

The one thing that I've done to remind myself daily.. and matter of fact have posted on my bathroom mirror..

"I will take heed to my ways, that I sin not with my tongue: I will keep my mouth with a bridle, while the wicked is before me."

I always had the habit of blaming someone else or something else for my depression and misery. I often Hurt those around me and dearest to me without thought and at times not even realizing that i was doing so.

Once its said, it can never be taken back sometimes the damage is done and done so deeply that it can never be reversed.

Changing our habits and our ways to help us feel better and good about who we are is a constant task. As the medication begins working, you will se a whole new you and yet the ugliness of the old you will never make you want to go back but only move forward with the help of God's ever giving grace.

~Yvonne

[cute]

Yvonne: Your post was very good! I say also look in that mirrow and tell one self "I am a good person".
No one else can make us be or do anything we do not want to do.
Accept the things we cannot change and change the things we can.
All the best to you PIP!!! Sandra

[Montraviatommyg]

Today for the second day running I am happy so that is a big step for me although I am taking each day as it comes. Yesterday I started working on "getting my kitchen back". The surfaces were getting cluttered and a couple of drawers were getting hard to shut ... partly my fault, partly my husband's. He loves hoovering and dusting but he's not very good at putting his dirty clothers in the washing machine, they generally get left where they are dropped . Nor has he worked out what the (newly acquired) dishwasher is for and as for rubbish he piles it up on one side for me to sort out . I've been keeping the worst of it down but yesterday I decided I'd had enough for the first time in weeks. Now all that needs doing is sorting out one drawer, cleaning the top of the cooker and hoovering the floor so I'm proud of myself for getting motivated. The easy job afterwards is getting the bathroom clean .... . The rest of the house is okay .

Pip

[Montraviatommyg]

Several months ago I typed up all my mother-in-law's poetry for my in-laws and am now in the process of getting it on a website that's in her memory as she died in 1999. Today I wrote my first poem since leaving school and was quite surprised that I had it in me but it was great therapy so I shall keep it up.

For My Son

A tiny boy born on a summer's day,
Too young to know the sun's bright ray,
Too young to know his first mother's love,
Too young to know his second mother's need.

The years go flying by to fast,
He's growing into a fine young man,
Loving his mother and his family,
Wondering about his first mother.

One day he is old enough to search,
In his heart he needs to know her,
The truth he needs to know now,
Of why she let him go his other mother.

Five years later his mother finds him,
His questions he can now ask her,
To get to know his roots at last,
From his first mother who loves him.

[marimari]

Thank you for sharing, Pip...your son would be touched.

[shef]

Hey Pip.......What therapy writing is.......and you have started again...poetry.....the souls way of releasing the creative word.........and making it live....carrying on doing it.....

shef

[Montraviatommyg]

Today I had some news to cheer me up and that is my dh and I have had the go ahead to start up a support group for people touched by adoption (includes partners). We have been talking on and off for some time with our pastor about this and one of the elders who is a counsellor for foster carers. The elder has asked us if we would like to go on a basic counselling training weekend as well in November which we will do. It certainly cheered me up so we are aiming for the end of November to be up and running. We will be using one of the rooms in the church's resource centre which wont cost us anything and will be getting help from church members.

Pip

[shef]

great Pip, good news for you...sure you will do fine....can I come? I dont know waht a face to face support group would be like.....sometimes it would be nice to actaully be in the same room as people i think.......

can i ask what might be really dumb question..but is dh..does that stand for daughter?

shef

[Montraviatommyg]

Shef,

You will be more than welcome so I will let you the date when the groups starts but it will be in about 6 weeks time. Dh stands for dear husband.

Pip

[Montraviatommyg]

The past 24 hours have been really been bad for me again emotionally to the point that I'm almost scared of what I might do next. Back to the same problems with eating and sleeping again which is making me tearful as well. To make matters worse I ended up have a bad argument with my husband today as he is being really insensitive and self centred at the moment. My husband claims he knows what my problems are but he doesn't as every time I try to talk to him he cuts me short and says he's heard it all before. That really hurt as my husband hasn't got a clue what's really bothering me as he wont listen. The medication isn't helping much nor have I got an appointment for a counsellor so it looks like I will be going back to my doctor again .

Pip

[joycie]

Originally Posted by Montraviatommyg

The past 24 hours have been really been bad for me again emotionally to the point that I'm almost scared of what I might do next. The medication isn't helping much nor have I got an appointment for a counsellor so it looks like I will be going back to my doctor again .
Pip

[quote]

Pip, I'm sorry to read that you are having such a difficult time. Yes, do see your doctor again. I read the other day where you posted that you had such a full calendar in the coming weeks. I wonder if you are trying to do too much, cope with too many issues? Do you thinik it would be best to simplify your agenda right now? What do you think is at the root of your intensified distress? Is the prospect of seeing your son a factor? Can you try to identify what's disturbing your inner peace and go to work on that? Maybe the rest of us can help you with that. Audrey

[Montraviatommyg]

Audrey,

I have been thinking about your post and maybe my agenda has got a bit to do with it as well as they past year.

My depression has been with me since my teens but has got worse at difficult periods in my life. My issues with my son being adopted has been part of the problem which laid buried for 23 years so when I found him last year I suddenly had to deal with it. I am glad I found him and to have had contact with him but obviously reunion opened the proverbial can of worms. Since December 2004 I have been in my comfort zone as our contact has been mainly by email and IM. Although we have sen each other a few times I am stressing again about possibly seeing him again this year. He constantly changes his plans so I probably wont know when he will be back in England till the last minute. I know I have often joked about our relationship but that has been to help cope with the more serious side of it and having to cope with isssues between us when they crop up.

As for my plans in November I am looking forward to my birthday but the rest off it is stressing me quite a bit. My husband has a bad habit of planning things then assuming I am quite happy to go along with the plans so at times that irritates me. He decided he wanted our marriage blessed as we got married in a registry office which I came round to then the next thing I knew he had organised a party for afterwards. I hate being the centre of attention so I'm getting stressed out with the build up to this but I haven't the energy to back out of it atm. As for being baptised I am absolutely freaking out about it on the quiet again back to being the centre of attention even though others are getting baptised at the same time. I do want to be baptised it's just the thought of doing it so publically and my husband wants to play the trumpet when I'm dunked. He means well and wants to play my favourite song but I'm not an extrovert. The conference I can live with provided I get a few good nights sleep before that night.

My sleep pattern hasn't settled yet so I feel rough each day and often have a headache. On bad days I'm still not eating much either.

I do feel my husband is unintentionally part of the problem as well. He is an outgoing person anyway but thinks that if I'm busy it will take my mind of my problems subsequently I'm getting stressed out as I'm not dealing with my problems. Roll on counselling....

Pip

[marimari]

Pip..it does sound like you have a lot on your plate. Your husband is probably trying to do things to make it all good for you, and maybe his feelings get hurt that you are not as excited about all of this as he is.
I understand that depression can be a heavy cross to carry, and he may be trying to help you carry it...I ahve never lived with anyone who has it to a degree that interrupts functioning, but I understand that it can be stressful for other family members involved, esp since they can't just swoop in and fix it all. He probably has heard a lot of your hurts before and is frustrated, too. He wants to have a party for you marriage blessing..that's pretty loving. Your friends will understand, huh, that you won't want to be at the center...just thank him and find a friend to chat with.
The baptism is sounding like another big deal and I'd probably be equally mortified at the thought of someone playing the trumpet, too, at my dunking or whatever..maybe you can find a happy medium where he plays for everyone at the end or the beginning, so you don't feel like the attention is on you, but it could be on him then?

It is hard when one is not comfortable, for sure...and after all of these years, he must understand...hopefully the counseling will help you and maybe he can go, too, so he understands that it is not about him, and respects better your fears.

I do hope that if you wish to see your son, that it all works out for you. It can be nerve-racking, that's for sure..but usually worth it!!! I have a feeling that you'll be up for whatever comes your way and quite capable of handling it all with grace! If it gets to be too much, it's OK to defer and say no thank you.

[Montraviatommyg]

I'm feeling a bit better today as I actually slept late so I obviously needed the sleep. Went to bed about 11.30 pm and woke up at 9.45 am and was mortified at first then relaxed as it doesn't hurt to have a long sleep occasionally.

I know I feel worse when I'm constantly tired but must admit I was woken up with a start. One of my dogs jumped on top of me and laid on me but fortunately it was the lightest on, Bruno, who only weighs about 40 lbs .

Mari ... I will tactfully chat with my hubby about my terrors of being centre of attention on the 13th and 20th November and I want it kept low key. Fortunately I have a very understanding pastor that I can talk too as well and he gets on well with my husband so we can get this sorted.

I am scared about something actually happening with our support group but that will go ahead. It will help me as well as others plus I am getting support to help getting it started. I just need to sit down with others to delegate who does what.

Pip