[Jackiejdajda]

This from John Bradshaw… and his book ‘Creating Love’.

What I want to quote is in Chapter 3 ..’The Stages of Mystification’. Page 56.

(What I underlined a few years ago..)

…..There are no childhood traumas that could not be resolved and integrated. We have a unique ability to resolve our emotional pain. It is the ability to grieve. Grief is a kind of psychic work. It involves several stages, the most important being the stage of deep sorrow (weeping) and the stage of passionate anger.

As children we needed to weep and express anger. When we are forced to repress our sadness and anger, we leave our hurts imprinted in our neurological system. We have automatic responses to safeguard us. These responses are the defences that allowed us to survive. Unfortunately, these defences leave us frozen in past time. The state of frozen and unresolved hurt is the stage of mystification.

End of quoting..

That line…” When we are forced to repress our sadness and anger, we leave our hurts imprinted in our neurological system.”
When I read those words I understood why I was not able to let go of my past and get on with my life.. Let go of the pain around my bson.. Let go of the 'seized up' when I thought of him..
Bradshaw calls it mystification.. It’s as good a word as any..

He says we are frozen in past time.. whew.

I could not cry.. Could not would not.. Could not do what he says about deep crying.

I would love to discuss this thing called grief..

Jackie

[Miss Meggles]

How do you get past the grief? I thought I had years ago, as I am finding out now that is not true at all. I gave my daughter up in 1984 and have had a lot of therapy since then. (Won't go into detail, but will say my ex-husband used to beat me up verbally about the adoption) My dughter found me last week and all of a sudden I realzied that what I thought had healed is far from being healed. I tried to talk to my mom about it but she doesn't get that or some of the other things I am going through. I just registered on the forums today and have posted on the Confession to a Bmom thread a bit of how I am feeling. It was wonderful to find out that there was somewhere I could go and talk and be understood. Her finding me was only a dream for so many years and now that it is has happened I am at a loss. I thought I had grieved and got past the grief years ago. Now it seems as if I had just started grieving. Do any of you understand what I mean? I have cried oceans of tears in the last 21 years and in the last week I think I have cried another ocean. I fret, that is the only word I can use to describe some of what I am feeling. How do you cope? I need some advice because I think I am not coping well at all.

Laugh A Lit, It's Good For You~
Mary

[Tigger27]

Oh my friend, grief.
The grief process is never-ending it seems.
I have an analogy I use about the grief process
that helps me though.

An analogy I like to use when referring to this grief/emotional process you have to go through after placing your child for adoption to get some closure and be able to move on - I like to think it's like you're in the middle of a desert and there's no way out, but to go through it. You can try to go around it, over it, find a shortcut, but there's no way out except to walk through that desert to the other side where there's cool, wet green grass. There's oasises that you can stop at (i.e., family,friends,counselors etc.) to fill your canteen (heart,soul, yourself) with water (hope/positive perspective etc.) that can help you to make it to that cool, wet green grass, but there are no shortcuts through that desert.

So, what do you want to discuss about grief? How we grieve over so many things in life or the stages of grief? Or the cycle of grief? Or the grief process we go through continually after we've placed our child for adoption.

I have a few books on grief. Anyway, that's my little thoughts about grief for right now.

Anne

[Tigger27]

Here's a couple poems I've written when dealing with the grief process in my life.

Pain

Pain is
all consuming,
dark,
angry.
It comes.
It doesn't leave me.
it compounds
and grows.
Pain, once faded,
haunts me yet again
bringing fears, doubts
flooding back to me.
New pain enters my soul
reopening past wounds
seemingly once healed,
the wounds bleed freely again.
My bleeding soul
cries for peace
My heart aches
to be whole again.

And here's the other poem in association with grief.

Finding Hope

Do you know what's deep inside of me
Deep inside my soul
That's been so lost
for so so long
My wounds have yet to heal
My grief has yet to yield to happiness
but it will come
I can see the light I couldn't see before
Rays of sunlight of hope
are breaking through to me
Where Ive been hiding in shadows
living in this shadow world
This world I have created
This world that has been devoid of love
devoid of the kind of love
I long for and search for always
now where there once was only hate
and shadows, darkness covering me
Light is beginning to seep through the
darkness and make its way to happiness.

Written by Anne M.

Anne

[Miss Meggles]

How about all of those things? I don't think I ever talked to anyone before about the grief I felt then and still feel today. It is huge and so deep that I feel as if I am drwoning in it. It is not like a desert for me, but a vast ocean where you never come into sight of land, where there is no safe harbor to be found. I just sent my mother a long e-mail about this. I can't sleep again tonight and I dont' think I can eat either. I used to use food to stuff my feelings in. I learned a long time ago that, that doesn't work and no matter how far you run or how much you wish to deny that you can't get away from yourself and denial is a bad way to live. If you dent then it can sit inside you and fester until like some obnoxious boil or a dam, it burts and then you drown in that. I have just started this journey they call "Runion" and I know nothing about it at all.. I don't even know where to start to tell you all the things that are making me grieve this way again. I lost my Father to an Pulmonary Aneurysm last April 2nd. and my life has been all topsy turvy since then. I wish he were here. I gave him a copy of the photos the hospital photographer and when we were cleaning up his garage I came upon that picture as well as one of me from being on active duty in the army, they were taped to the inside lid of that toolbox, where he could see then everyday at work. I wonder now if he felt the grief too like I do, like my mother who still can't talk about somethings and well, she just has this philosphy that does not allow her to ljusty listen without judging or without telling one to get off the "pity pot" How do I explain to her how I feel? How do I explain that I am sacred to death that she will cut me out of her life? I don't know what to do with my grief, I cry and cry but it doesn't seem to lessen the pain even after so many years..
Laugh A Lot, It's Good For You~(not that I am doing much laughing these days)
Mary

[into the sun]

I have been in reunion since late August of 04. I was found by the daughter who had been placed for adoption in 1975. I had been told that it wqas a closed adoprion and there would never be any contact...the call came very out of the blue and threw me into a backwash of memories from my pregnancy and the time surrounding it. My mom hadn't been too well able to cope with events at that time, and still worries that I'm too emotionally fragile on the adoption/reunion issue to talk or think about it. She doesn't realize that at first there is no way to talk or think about much else.
All your tumult of emotions is similar to what has been experienced by a lot of other newly reunited people. I think for me, the tumult was compounded by not having spoken of the adoption with many people and having no idea how family would react. It helped me to read books about adoption and reunion, to read books on relationships, to haunt this website, which has a lot of viewpoints and incredible resources, and to take long soaks in the tub when life got too overwhelming!
It makes sense to try to find out as much as you can about your daughter's understanding of the whole adoption process and to try to clear up any parts that were't accurately presented. You may have to accept moving forward slowly, though, as she has her own beliefs about the event, and it's hard to reconfigure the bits and pieces of what we've accepted as truth. If you have any letters or notes from then that would hepl make things clearer, it might help to share copies of them with yu daughter.
Be patient with yourself, your daughter, and the world in general...we're all doing the best we can with what we have. Luckily, as we grow older, a lot of us find more and better ways to change what we can and accept what we can't change.
Good luck to you as you find your way on this completely unpredictable journey of reunion.
Sharon

[Montraviatommyg]

I can relate very well to the grief of my bson being adopted and going through 23 years of not being able to talk about him. It took reunion for me to realise how much of an imprint it had left on me. Despite the tears I've cried since reunion there are still times when I feel low that it hits me hard that I still haven't worked completely through the grief.

Philippa

[goma]

Hi girls..

I´m on the other side of the coin. I´m a future adoptive mom, and just needed to tell you all birth moms who place their children for adoption, that I admire your courage so much. To put what you thing is best for the child above your own pain is the biggest act of love than can ever exist. I really feel a big compromise towards my future son or daughter´s birth mom, and hope I can someday great her for giving me the possibility of having a family.

God bless you all birth moms and I´ll be praying for all of you to find peace in your hearts.

[Jackiejdajda]

Originally Posted by Miss Meggles

I thought I had grieved and got past the grief years ago. Now it seems as if I had just started grieving. Do any of you understand what I mean?

Mary.. I and others understand..

My personal belief is that what happened to some of us was as wrong as it gets..

You wrote in your second post..
I wonder now if he felt the grief too like I do, like my mother who still can't talk about something’s and well, she just has this philosophy that does not allow her to ljusty listen without judging or without telling one to get off the "pity pot" How do I explain to her how I feel?

Bradshaw wrote and I quoted..
…..There are no childhood traumas that could not be resolved and integrated. We have a unique ability to resolve our emotional pain. It is the ability to grieve. Grief is a kind of psychic work.

I think this is the key to this.. My mom was like your mom.. She would not allow me to grieve my son.. It triggered her.. It scared her…She would say when I was in my deepest darkest feeling.. “Awe Jackie.. have a drink”.

She just plain would not go there.. could not.. would not..
(and I think our moms are our maps..(some of us that is))
Anne (Tigger) makes a wonderful analogy about the desert.. (loved the poems) and how we need someone to help us once in a while.. Well my mom could not help me.. I have a feeling your mom can not help you.. (may be wrong)

It was like banging my head on some mad buggers wall..
Aka Pink Floyd.. Roger Waters.. The Wall..

My mom did not teach (show me) me how to deal with this trauma of giving a baby up for adoption and then just walking away and getting on with my life.. Heck she actually believed you could do it.. Funny eh..
And I think that is the rub and I think that is the mystification that Bradshaw speaks about in his book…

The only way out is through.. sorting the sorting..
When some of us gave our babies up in the bad old days we did shut down.. we did stuff our grief and we did IMO do damage to ourselves.. I think it makes our work more difficult now.. You are going through something very very difficult..
Cut yourself some slack is my suggestion..
Don’t expect things to get okay right away.. don’t worry about the outcome of the reunion.. You survived then and you can survive now..
You ask..” How do you get past the grief?”
I think you do that by finding your own personal power.. Finding the places you got hurt.. and sorting it..
Finding where the information you were given was wrong and righting it..

In therapy once.. a doctor told me that I needed to go back and re-work what happened.. Needed to remember some of the trauma.. and look at it from my adult eyes.. from my now eyes.. See what wrong was done to me and heal from it..


Jackie

[Jackiejdajda]

Goma... Hello..

I think OA (open adoption) is incredibly important..

It helps the birthmom (parents) in so many ways.. Yes she will have bad days and yes she will make mistakes.. but she will not have to deal with closed adoption and not knowing..

Jackie..

[Miss Meggles]

Thanks to all of you. My mom doesn't just ignore the grief she didn't back then, but it seems as if now she doesn't understand where this is all coming from. SHe thought I had worked through it all. I thought so too, but I feel like I am right back there, that same woman I was then and living it all over again. All the pain her father caused me just came roiling right back. I thought the therapy I have had was enough I was wrong. I want to wail on a wall for all I lost, but to what purpose? What will it solve or heal? I Feel so lost again..

[Tigger27]

Okay since the topic of grief was brought up on here, when I was at the library today, I looked up books on grief.

Interestingly enough I didn't find anything with grief over adoption in it. There was one book with a small paragraph or so about grieving over loss through adoption, but I'm still amazed at how little I have found written on the grief process with specific regards to adoption so far.

Maybe some of you have had better luck with finding books on grief with specifics toward the loss of adoption, but I always just see loss of miscarriage, abortion, still born, when a child dies etc etc.

Now I know that our grieving process is similar to the rest, but seeing as how I haven't found much dealing specifically with the grieving the loss through adoption, I'm wondering about writing a book on grief from the adoption perspective and not any other grief stuff.

I don't know, it's just a thought I've had lately because I've been thinking about publishing adoption poetry and other things I've been writing. Now I'm wondering about writing a book about the grief of adoption. Well, and the adoption grief process is unique in and of itself and I feel that it should be written about by someone if it hasn't been already. I don't know about you guys, but I think we, as birthmothers etc., deserve a book of our own just as much as those who lose loved ones through miscarriage, stillbirth, death, divorce and all that stuff.

Anyway, just a thought I was having that I thought I'd share, I haven't had any great ideas on how to start the book or the whole content, but if I'm meant to write it, I'm sure I'll figure it out and get the inspiration to.

I've been having lots of creative juices flowing with my writing lately so that's why I'm thinking about it and I've been thinking about writing another poem about grief now.

Well, I'll keep you posted on if I start writing anything in the next month or so - I have to finish this semester at school right now first though.

Later peeps,

Anne

[into the sun]

For me, I think there were two kinds of grief. The first was the intense grief of placing a child whom I'd carried and loved for nine months into a closed adoption, and of accepting that I had to let go of any future hopes and dreams we might have shared. The second, completely unexpected grieving came about when I had to adjust to the fact that my daughter had wondered so much about us that she spent years seeking us out...years that I'd been spending adjusting to never hearing from her. The world turned upside down for a while as I readjusted my thinking and figured out how to cope emotionally with all the new unknowns.
I think a book is a great idea, whether it's a "what emotins might surface and options for dealing with them" or a series of personal stories. There are so few resources available to figure out what might come next in the reunion process, and so many people who are looking for insight! Any shared experiences or wisdom can only expand everyone's knowledge base.
Good luck to us all!
Sharon

[Miss Meggles]

I agree two kinds of grief sound right to me too. I never gave up the hope that she would find me, but I had done as you said and left all those othe things in the dust, so to speak. I wonder now all about the "IF" .. I just may have to start writing again too, I haven't for a while now, but then I didn't have a reason to write, except for all that pain, and I honestly couldn't write it for a long time, maybe it will help me heal?

[Jackiejdajda]

When the therapist told me I had not grieved the loss of my son twenty and more years after the fact I went to the library to find a book on how to grieve.. I found a slim book about grieving a child that had died.. The story I remember was about a couple who lost their son in a traffic accident..

The writer tells about the father driving through the intersection and yelling at the top of his lungs.. Just yelling..
I liked that a lot.. I wonder how many of us birthmom and birthdads knew enough to do that..

I think my grief started when that first therapist asked me to write a letter to my son. I had never done that before.. Never wrote to him about my feelings.. He was just over twenty at that time and I knew nothing about him..
I read what I had written to my son and when I looked up I saw she was crying.. She saw my pain..

Someone saw my pain.. and understood..

Anne I think a book would be a very good thing..
I read the posts of the new birthmoms and dads and wonder what to say..
I personally believe that seeing the baby and holding the baby and giving the baby up from a place of power is important.. Or that it is empowering..
Avoiding doing that or being told not to do that leads to Bradshaws mystification.. And in my thinking difficulty in going through the process of grief..

Melody Beattie wrote a book on grief.. Its called ‘The Lessons of Love’. Rediscovering Our Passion for Life. When it all Seems Too Hard to Take..

I agree with Anne this (birthparent grief) is unique.. I looked at the last page of Beatties book and there are inspirational words and her memories of her son.. We from the closed era do not have that.. we do not have the memories..
But I wonder if I could deal with the bittersweet memories of visits.. Or pictures..

I looked for good quotes in the book and at the start of chapter three is..
“I don’t know what’s coming next,” I said to my friend. “I don’t know what my future holds.”

“Don’t worry,” she said. “Your soul does.”

End of quoting..

I guess that goes down to spirit and trusting the journey..

Sharon I think what you said about the two kinds of grief is very powerful.. “The world turned upside down for a while as I readjusted my thinking and figured out how to cope emotionally with all the new unknowns”.

Another quote from Beatties book..
“Its nothing personal,” he said. “Its just how the universe works.”


Jackie