[Tigger27]

Here's a poem I wrote just a while ago about grief.

Grief is
like an ocean
Grief is
like a desert

Life is
full of grief
it seems
as well as
elusive happiness

Grief is natural
they always say
yet we act as if
it is an alien thing

Grief
so misunderstood
like an anomalie
of some sort

Once he comes
he never leaves
it seems he leaves
but he only takes on
yet another form

Written today
April 14, 2005

Anne

[donnaparadise]

Almost 40 years ago, I found myself pregnant and spiraled into the first of many panic attacks I experienced over the years.

My home life was chaotic at best with being the elder of 2 children being brought up by a very strong-willed, perfectionistic mother who had 'issues' of her own. She was ill equipped to deal with a child like me who was curious, precocious, strong-willed, outgoing and independent and tried her level best to get and keep me under control. Her methods ranged from put-downs, punishing silences, to beating and berating.

I had moved out and went wild, I'm afraid. I took to going out to bars and dancing 6 nights a week. I didn't go the 7th because everything was closed on Monday nights. I fell in love and dild the 'nasty', as it were. lol

When I found out I was pregnant, I panicked because I knew what I would be in for as I had no support whatsoever and never told my mother. I opted to move away to a town 5 hours away.

I couldn't get work so had to go on welfare. I had to live in other people's homes to earn a little spending money but had little to eat, no friends, no one to talk to and nothing to do but wait.

I had my daughter with a great deal of difficulty and after seeing her for a few days in the hospital, I left her behind. I remember going to a friend's place that day and falling asleep as I was so exhausted. I woke up screaming and crying and for several nights afterwards had dreams of dying.

Shortly after, I stopped dreaming and to this day, rarely dream or at least remember my dreams. It is as though I have blocked them completely from my awareness. Perhaps what I was dreaming was too painful to go to and I managed to put them aside as I put aside all the other feelings I was going through at that time.

I went back to live with my parents, who still did not know, I thought and tried to just move on.

I found out a few months later, when my mother was upset with me because I was not behaving as she wanted me to, that she knew all along. She told me she found out what a tramp I had been and if I did not behave she would tell my father and he would be disgusted with me, would not love me anymore or it would surely kill him. If he died because of me, it would be all my fault. I moved out shortly after.

I've lived my life with no long-term connection to anyone since then. I've had relationships and was even married for a time, however I never had any more children and today I am alone and expect to be for the rest of my days.

I thought I had dealt with it all because I had rationalized it in my mind that I had done the right thing by giving her up. It was my shame that my irresponsible behaviour had conceived her, I would not make it worse by holding onto something I had to right to.

Well, we can talk ourselves into whatever frame of mind that we want to, however it is not a coincidence that I have had so much difficulty with loss in my life that I have tried to live my life in a detached way, not expecting much of anyone and never being too disappointed when there is nothing there.

I've had disastrous relationships with men, looking for love in all the wrong places, negotiating who I was, what I stood for, just to have someone love me, 'be there' for me, stand by me, accept me, show me who I am and to disprove what I already knew: That I was so bad; that I was unloved; that I was unloveable.

For many, many years I had an anger problem and would lash out at people, places and things. I lashed out at myself and turned to alcohol to dull the pain. Finally, when my addiction threatened to kill me and almost caused me to lose my way of earning a living, as it had already been the cause of losing my relationship with my fiance, I joined AA and so far, 22 years later, I am still clean and sober.

I dealt with a lot of the pain of my upbringing, however the pain of giving birth and walking away from my only child was not part of the equation. Because, I had dealt with it, don't you know?

Now, so many years later, after having lost my 2 best friends in the world this past couple of years, my sweet dog who I had for 12 years, my last abusive and toxic relationship with someone I poured my whole heart into, my home on a paradise island that I had dreamed of for years, several thousands of dollars due to my poor relationship choices and finally my way of earning a living, my bdaughter has made contact of sorts, but wants nothing to do with me.

It has all come back. Where I was emotionally at the time of her conception and birth. What happened then and what has happened since and I realize that there is a voice inside that has never been heard. There are tears I never knew existed. There is a longing, a sorrow, a shame so deep and so insidious and so invasive that I have no idea where it starts and I leave off. It is as though I am my shame. I am pain. I am sorrow.

I see that most of my decision following, were predicated on what I felt about myself, how shamed I felt about my choices, how unworthy I felt. So I settled. I settled for anyone who would pretend to love me and made it a life mission to ensure they would not abandon me, that they would validate me; that they would somehow give me a reason to exist and that I was not so bad after all.

I grieve for that lost young woman who was misguided but lovable, no matter what her mother thought. I believed I was unloveable and set out to prove I was right.

Now, what am I left with? Tears that will not flow. Pain that will not go away. Unresolved issues that cannot be addressed. No one to forgive me and not knowing how to forgive myself.

The body remembers. It is at a DNA or cellular level that the body retains the sorrow and peeks out once in a while when one feels alone and lonely and unloved. But it is too hard to look at because to look at it might mean to suffer and the suffering never end. So, I distracted myself from the knowledge and acceptance of the hole inside and became an alcoholic, then a workaholic, addicted to relationships with men, addicted to helping others, addicted to TV, food, cigarettes, counting steps - whatever.

Grief caused me to seek comfort in the familiar; to make sense of what was incomprehensible so I adopted patterns of behaviour that were repetitive, familiar, soothing somehow, in order to feel safe, if just for a moment.

There is nothing to hang onto now and I am finding myself alone, isolated in my sadness and grief and having to finally, once and for all, look at it, feel it, go through it and deal with it. Not over it, around it, away from it, but really go through it.

I'm not sure how because so often when it comes over me, I feel like a tsunami has taken over my soul, destroying everything in its path, receeding to a barren floor from which I am to rebuild and I'm not sure I have the tools.

Finding this site and writing about where my life began, with the conception of my daughter, is causing me to go back and feel again and perhaps this time, I can really feel it and let it wash over me and get a new perspective; a new beginning. It sometimes feels as though my soul's life is as stake here and it is frightening.

I feel stuck in the past in some ways, unable to move forward, and just having to 'be' for now. Hopefully, I will find that little precocious girl I was and learn who she was and incorporate her into my life now and get through the grief that has no voice.

Donna

[Miss Meggles]

Donna, I so want to hug you and tell you how wrong your mother was. I am so sad that you have gone through so much and have had to "hide" yourself from yourself. I do know how deep that pain goes. We all seem to hide from it don't we? Please don't stop writing and don't give up, maybe someday she will want to know you. I think every child wants to know, whether they realzie it or not. Perhaps she just isn't ready for that yet, to know the "Story" some of ours are not very pretty are they? Keep talking and yes you do have to go through the pain, something I too am just learning about. It never went away, even though I thought it had... I am learning tho' and I know that in the end it will be better for me and for you when we do get "through" it all. I am one of the lucky ones, my daughter wants to know me and my family. She wants to understand, so many of us are on the other side of the coin.. But Donna there is always hope, don't forget that...

[l-thompson]

my bdaughter has made contact of sorts, but wants nothing to do with me.

Donna, when was contact made??....what happened?
Your story has captured me...

[donnaparadise]

Dear L-Thompson. I've written most of the story on another thread so in order to not duplicate and take up too much space, I've referred to it in this link (I hope it works)
She says she's fine but No Thanks!

I have since found out the Agency has no record of her ever calling to find out anything about me or herself. That doesn't mean that she hasn't done it but she may have inquired in her married name and it was not cross-referenced to either her birth name or adoptive name.

I really have to let it go now. It is has saddened me a great deal, I must admit. More than I thought.

Donna

[donnaparadise]

Dear Miss Meggles

I am so happy for you that your daughter wants to know you and really 'know' you enough to understand. I can only imagine what joy you must be feeling to have the opportunity of finally speaking to the only other person that really matters in this terrible lie. The lie that we can give birth, walk away, move on and it never effect either of us because we should be so 'grateful' that others knew better than us what was good for all concerned.

I am at peace with my decision to relinquish my daughter. Even if I had told of my pregnancy and found some way to keep her, the atmosphere would have been more toxic for her than what she was in, to be sure.

Unfortunately, only I know that but it still gives me continued certainty that I did the best I could. There is no going back.

Thank you for your kinds words. They are appreciated.
Donna

[Montraviatommyg]

Donna,

I just been rereading your post on the thread you started. Every time I read a story like that I think about how lucky I've been despite the pain and grief suffered from relinquishing my son. We have had our 'problems' with reunion but we've stuck with it and it has got much better over the months. He is studying in Canada -moved out there in December - and I'm in the UK so that was a good test but fortunately we still have contact.

Philippa

[l-thompson]

Thank you Donna - I have now read your story...thank you for sharing.

[Jackiejdajda]

Good words.. good good words.

Originally Posted by Tigger27

Grief is natural
they always say
yet we act as if
it is an alien thing

Anne I loved your poem..

I am going to think of how we think grief as an alien thing.. and unwanted thing.. an unknown thing..


Jackie

[Jackiejdajda]

Donna wrote..Now, what am I left with? Tears that will not flow. Pain that will not go away. Unresolved issues that cannot be addressed. No one to forgive me and not knowing how to forgive myself.

Alice Miller helped me.. She has written some very good books about understanding the self..
Her biggest book is Drama of the Gifted Child.. She says (IMO) that that book talks about the abused child being given a gift.. a gift of learning.. Learning about the self.. Just like twelve steps..

The first book of hers that I owned..was 'Thou Shall Not be Aware'.. I liked the title..

The passage that really helped me was in her book 'Pictures of a Childhood'.. In the book she did a series of watercolour paintings.. She did them before she started writing.. They are beautiful paintings.. Paintings of her childhood..

My parents were drinkers.. and my mom was a control freak like your mom.. Guilting was a weapon..

This from Alice Miller..

From.. Pictures Of A Childhood.. page 23


It is therefore understandable that most people, of
my generation are never able to free themselves of
the compulsion to defend and protect their parents.

Probably I, too, would have remained trapped by
this compulsion and, because it is so all-pervasive,
would not even have recognized it as such, had I not
come in contact with the child within me, who
appeared so late in my life, wanting to tell me her
secret.
She approached very hesitantly, speaking to me
in an inarticulate way, but she took me by the hand
and led me into territory I had been avoiding all
my life because it frightened me. Yet I had to go
there, I could not keep on turning my back, for
it was my territory, my very own. It was the place
I had attempted to forget so many years ago, the
same place where I had abandoned the child I once
was. There she had to stay, alone with her
knowledge, waiting until someone would come at
last to listen to her and believe her. Now I was
standing at an open door, ill prepared, filled with
all an adult's fear of the darkness and menace of
the past, but I could not bring myself to close
the door and leave the child alone again until my
death. Instead, I made a decision that was to
change my life profoundly: to let the child lead
me, to put my trust in this nearly autistic being
who had survived the isolation of decades.

(end of quoting)

Thank you for sharing Donna..

Jackie

[teddypan]

Jackie-

I really liked that quote from Alice Miller. Very visual picture for me.

The loss birthmothers feel is disinfranchised grief. You won't find many books on it. People don't want to talk about that type of grief. Heck, they tend to not want to talk about any type of grief. It's uncomfortable. It's easier to place blame and point fingers than to be compassionate and listen. Childhood losses are the same way.

Donna-you are right-the only way is through. One certainly cannot deny being alive when grieving this deeply. It is hard work, and you must remember to take care of yourself. Physically, emotionally, and spiritually. As to why your daughter is behaving as she is, you can speculate, but that usually does no good. Continue to tell yourself that while you walk through your life experiences again at the time you were a scared child-doing what children do-whatever it takes to feel loved. You did the best you could with what you had at that moment. That is all any of us can do. ((((hugs))))

[donnaparadise]

Thank you for the quote, Jackie.
I, too have read Alice Miller's Drama. A couple of times actually. However I did not know of this book and have it on my 'list' now.

Alice Miller's Drama of the Gifted Child spoke so loudly to me and I got so much out of it. I think it is time to read again.

I feel like I am the child in the quote of late and with so many things happening in the past couple of years it is as though I am being invited, no pushed, into dealing with the past and not hiding from it or shutting the door on it.

The door is open now and I have a foot across the threshhold and nervous about what lies ahead. It will be different, I know. I can already sense a stirring inside me from 'seeing', amazingly some things for the first time in my life, and realizing that to 'know' will not kill me and I can move on.

Life is not the same anymore. Nothing is the same. All my old ideas about how things 'should' be have fallen by the wayside and I am left to re-create how it will be in the future.

For now, I am waiting - not sure for what - but waiting, with the faith that somehow it will be OK.

Thank you for sharing that quote - it is definitely a keeper and I will try to get that book soon to read for myself.

Donna

[donnaparadise]

Thank you Teddypan for your kinds words.

Having this second-hand contact with my daughter has had so much synchronicity for me. I've spent the last year or so dealing with many issues from my past, brought on by escaping a toxic relationship and wondering why I found myself once more in a situation that was so unhealthy for me, yet hanging on and trying to make it work, as it were.

I realized that so much of it reminded me of my childhood and my seeking to be loved at all costs and what I believed I had to do in order to achieve that.

Just when I had more or less resolved a lot of feelings and realized my part in this situation, along comes the connection with my bdaughter. Seems I was not through with it all and I had to go back to where it all started. Where my childhood ended and the consequences of my way of dealing with my upbringing and the start of the next stage of my life which for many years was somewhat emotionally self-destructive in a lot of ways.

I have carried the shame of my existence for so long. It is now time to put it in perspective and learn a new way of being and reacting.

As I have said, I am at peace with my decision, no matter what my bdaughter's feelings are.

I've done all I can. I know that I did what I thought was best, all I could do, thinking of what would be best for her as well as myself and I chose well.

She says she is happy, however her words contradict that somewhat. I've given her medical information, information about her bfamily, the correct version of the circumstances of her birth and relinquishment and the telephone number and name of the Worker who can fill her in more, if she wants. There is nothing more I can do. It would serve no useful purpose trying to figure any more out.

It is what it is and I will accept it. She knows how she can reach me if she ever changes her mind and that would be nice but it no longer defines me.

Thank you so much for your support and for the opportunity of working through some of this stuff by writing about it.

This is the first time in my life I have ever spoken of it in such detail and delved into the feelings around it all in the depth I have been doing since I found this board.

bless you all
Donna

[tlee70]

Donna, it's not a wonder that you can relate and understand what I'm saying so well in my thread!
We both have the similiar issues with our grief...I loved your post!

Can't type right now, but I will try to get back later

Just wanted to let you know that many of the emotions that you talked about, I could really relate too..even though we come from opposite ends of the triad.

tlee

[Montraviatommyg]

Jackie,

I've been rereading over your posts here so will try and borrow the books you've mentioned as the quote have got me thinking - got any more good quotes?

Philippa