[stacy62]

I had my 2 small children taken away and adopted out 2 years ago, not a day goes by that I don't miss them and wonder about them all day long.

It is a closed adoption and up until the adoption finalized 2 months ago I was able to get information on how they were doing thru the adoption agency pretty regularly. I have been told that the adoptive parents want to be supportive and are open to setting up a post-office box so we can exchange letters. Nothing has happened yet.

I have been told by the adoption agent that they are putting together a "life" book for the children and I have given them copies of some of their baby pictures. Also, I have been told to write a letter explaining to the children how they came into the world, and why they got adopted. I cannot at this time tell them that their birthfather is an abusive alcoholic as hard as I tried to keep them with me I had no outside support and as a result the state stepped in and took them away. I'm having the hardest time putting together a letter for them to try and understand I worshipped the ground they walked on and love them more than life itself, but I screwed up myself and wanted a better life for them. I raised them until they were 1 and 2 yrs old and had visitation with them until they were 2 and 3. Will they have some memory of me? I pray they know and remember how much love we shared.

The adoptive parents will not agree to sending me pictures, I do not understand why. They have allowed me to buy Christmas and B-day gifts for my children thru the adoption agency. I'm becoming ill at heart thinking that I will not have any way to find out how they are doing anymore.

Christmas is the toughest time for me, I am able to go on with the hope in my heart that I will see them again somewhere someday, and that they will want to find me when they are old enough. I have no other family. I am not able to receive any pictures and haven't seen their precious faces in 2 years.

DOES ANYONE OUT THERE KNOW A WAY FOR ME TO FIND INFORMATION ABOUT THE ADOPTIVE PARENTS? I know that they live in Tucson, Arizona, my daughter is 4yrs and my son is 5yrs. My children were adopted together.

I don't know what I'll do if I loose just the smallest link to them that I now have, and it appears I'm loosing that link. How long does it usually take for the adoptive parents to set up a post-office box. I heard they might be moving away.

I only know what I've been told by the adoption agency about the adoptive family. She's told me that rarely has she seen two children end up in a better situation. She's told me all kinds of wonderful things. I pray what she's told me is the truth. I cannot fathom my children ending up in a bad situation.

Anyone who may have helpful advice or insite please post or send me an e-mail. I've never found a page like this.

I am very grateful to the adoptive parents for the love they display and I know that I have to wait for them to contact me if they will. They've also told the adoption agent to tell me they are definately planning to let the children know they are adopted when they're old enough. That's a good sign right?

Still Bewildered

[L-A-J-C-R-C]

Hi Stacy,

I am so very sorry that you are going through all of this. We are in the process of adopting our 2 foster children and I am trying to have a semi-open adoption with their parents (well, at least mom's side and dad's parents).

Would it be possible for you to write a letter to the parents, explaining how desperately you need to hear about the kids? Reassure them that you will in no way undermine them as the kid's parents. I don't understand why they won't send pics. To me that is so very hurtful. I am sure that it's the situation with your husband that is causing them to be so protective of the children. Maybe you could reassure them that he will not be in the picture. I would think the social worker or adoption agency would send this on for you.

Again, I am so very sorry that you are going through this. Adopting through the state is so different than adopting a child that was lovingly placed for adoption. Some parents that adopt this way feel they need to "protect" these kids from their birth families. I wish they would all come on here and read the posts from all the people that have been adopted to "hear" how much happier and emotionally healthier these children are as adults if given the opportunity to know about their birth families through pictures, cards, letters, etc.

Best of luck to you.

Michelle

[michellemartin]

I'm sorry that you are going through this. I dont have any advice, just wanted to let you know I'm here if you need to vent your frustrations.

[Opting4Adopting]

Oh Stacey
My heart goes out to you...
I agree with Michelle that some parents who adopt through the state feel that they do need to protect their children, and though some may have good reason, how heartbreaking it is that they won't even share a picture of anecdote about the children with you.
I have a coworker who has adopted through the state (another brother/sister pair...not yours of course...hers are a little older than your kids) and even when they "had" to send info through the agency, she said that she kept it very sterile...stating the kids' height and weight and whether they lost a tooth, but nothing heartfelt...no "Suzy did such and such last week" or "Jimmy learned to ride his bike this summer" or anything about their funny quirks! I feel sorry for the birth families and the kids in this situation...and in a way, the adoptive family as well...you would think that if you loved your child, you would want to brag about what wonderful kids they are to everyone! especially the birth parents!
Kat

[crick]

I'm so sorry for your pain and can only hope that the agency can help you communicate with the aparents.

It's so hard in a closed adoption under these circumstances to really know what to do on either side, especially if the combined parents never met.

I am in the process now of trying to find their bmom in order to set up a p.o. box for contact. I worry that she won't want to exchange information and it might be too painful for her to have pictures of the kids but I will try anyway. My daughter was 4 when she had her goodbye visit and misses her bmom very much. For her, and her pain, I hope by having a picture of her bmom will help her heal.

I'm sure your letter is a painful one to write. Might I suggest though that you do write honestly of the events that happened and include the details of their bfather? They are too young to hear it now, but later I think it will help them understand. My oldest 2 are 7 & 6 and first and foremost in their minds is "my mom didn't love me and that's why she didn't take care of me." I tell them this isn't true, but if they could hear it from their bmom, I think it would make a world of difference. You might write another letter to the aparents saying you realize the details might be too hard to share now but for later, when the kids really need to understand, it will be important to hear from you that you loved them and that in no way were your mistakes or bfather's mistakes their fault. Kids carry a lot of guilt and it might help them heal if they knew from you the details of their history.

I hope through the agency you can set up something for contact. I agree, that it might be the fear of the bfather holding them back and if they can be assured in some way, they might feel differently about sending pictures.

Crick

[Jackiejdajda]

stacy62 wrote..I cannot at this time tell them that their birthfather is an abusive alcoholic as hard as I tried to keep them with me I had no outside support and as a result the state stepped in and took them away.

Are you still living with an abusive alcoholic?

How incredibly incredibly difficult this must be for you..

Jackie

[lyndalou]

Dear Stacey, my heart goes out to you. This situation must be so difficult for you every day. The others who wrote had good advice & I don't have anything else to add. I hope you can write the letter for the children & also for yourself. It will be very healing if you do this, even if you have to write 10 drafts first! Maybe the A'parents will eventually come around when they know there is no threat. God bless.

[Firstmom]

Your story is so familiar to mine. I had two children that I raised alone as a teen until they were 4 and 2 in Tucson!

Let me guess.. is it CPS that placed them? Don't believe their promises.. and I don't mean to break your heart... I was told alot of the same things as you.. and now 15yrs later.. so many things were lies... the children never got my letters..presents or anything.. I hope it is different for you. Some people think things should be sugar coated.. I wish someone would have taken the sugar off for me early on... I feel absolutely horrible for you.. I know what you are going through and what you are about to go through...

Your love for them and the loss is something to grieve.. learn that early on... You will always feel them and long for them and you will stay up nights crying and just praying they know you love them or that they are looking up at the stars at the same time as you..

You will search other children's eyes wondering.. is that him/her..
You will learn about them in time.. it is easy to find info in Tucson.. just don't give up... Some people will say you gave them up.. don't mess with them now.. and that is true... leave them alone.. but there is a part of you that needs information.. and you can get it without disrupting them... be relentless... do not listen to people who don't know.... do not punish yourself.. (easier said than done.. I know,) but just know.. someday... they will find you.. or you willl pass them on the street and just know... it will all be o.k. someday... no matter the outcome...

The holidays are going to be very hard and birthdays worse... buy yourself a present in their name on those days... a present that says.. "Only you could bring them into the world.." that is something to cherish... no one else.. NO ONE else could bring those two precious angels to earth but you... ONLY YOU! Hang on to that... You are their firstmom, natural mom, birthmom, and all the other things you will learn to be called.. but most importantly... you are their life mom! YOU AND ONLY YOU!

Light a candle on Christmas for yourself... you did what no one else could do.... and you are strong and brave and loved by two people in this world at the very least... whether they can tell you or not....

Follow your heart.. YOUR HEART... and it will be alright... don't be blinded by all the voices that will come your way.. those persons who really do believe they are helping.. but they couldn't possibly know if they haven't been there... they mean well.. but stay true to YOUR inner voice and your gut instinct.. your mother's instinct did not disappear with the ink and paper... it will remain... YOURS!

[Firstmom]

With the letter I sent directly to the adoptive parents... (nothing got to them any other way...) I included an email address set up just for them.... no other person knows that address and I don't use it for anything on the web...

I told them I am open to any questions they have no matter what they ask and that I expect nothing in return. That leaves it open to them in case they need information on anything medical or otherwise... I left it in their hands... and they don't feel threatened to ask anything because nothing is expected in return.

I hope that tip helps and though you do not know their address or anything... you might want to include it in your life letter to them.. and pray they actually get it.

Good luck and I feel for you.. I really really do...

Merry Christmas from one real mom to another... keep your chin up and your eyes forward... so you don't miss anything..

[ingodshands]

My heart just breaks for you, I am so sorry for the pain you are in.
My advice is pretty much the same as everyone else has already told you. Sounds like you are doing all you can to cling on to a bit of contact, if it is allowed. I so hope that you will be allowed something. Write the letter. Never ever forget, you will always be special to your children, you gave them life. I am sure if you explain the circumstances of what happened in your letter, along with how much you love and care for them, when they are older, they will want contact with you.

I was with my natural mother till the age of seven, and whatever happened at the time of her leaving, she will always be my "mother" and nobody on this earth would/could ever replace her, in my eyes.

I wish I could be more comforting to you. HUGS x

Collette

[stacy62]

I sincerely appreciate all the heartfelt thoughts THANK YOU ALL

First of all I'd like to say that I have read and reinforced my mothers intuition to always keep trying to find my children, I will not disrupt them, I do not want to confuse them. I will however try to locate them.

I also want to say that I have not been with their father since I lost the babies. He has not been a part of my life for awhile. I must say that although our situation was grim due to his addictions, I myself messed up too, I am not placing blame on him. I have however been in recovery from my own addictions for quite some time. I am grateful that my children are in a stable and loving home.

My biggest concern is if the adoption agency St. Nicholas of Myra has been truthful with me. If so then I can be at peace, this is why I feel that I cannot stop searching for my children until I find out if they are well taken care of. My children were always well taken care of by me. We were just on very unstable ground financially and otherwise when I left their father.

Does anyone know how I can find out information here in Tucson?
Please let me know

Thanks

Stacy

[michellemartin]

There is a search and reunion board. Someone on that board may be able to help you better that us, well at least with searching. I think it might be illegal? to search before they are 18?? but I'm not sure about that. Someone on that board would probably know for sure. I know adoptee's arent supposed to search without ap's consent before their 18, not sure how it works the other way around.

We all have crappy points in our lives... I sure had mine (shh).
Hope you find them happy and healthy and well cared for.

[stacy62]

I must say that your words have brought me much comfort. I am really wondering if there's a way that I can find out about my 2 small children who were adopted in 2004. It's a closed adoption. They are my only children. I miss them terribly and anything you might know about to help me search for them I greatly appreciate. I realize that it's maybe not legal and I do not want to upset my children or the family, I only want to know they're well and are being cared for well.

Thank you
Stacy

[stacy62]

I have some questions for you. You said in your thread that it's easy to find info in Tucson. Would you please give me alittle insite as to how? And do you know if the social security numbers that I have for my children would have been changed in the adoption process? If not would that be of any help in trying to locate my children at a future date. Also, could you give me any advise as to what I should be doing while I still have opportunity to call and talk to the adoption agency before I no longer have that contact? (the agent and I have a pretty good relationship) Possibly things I should be asking about regarding my children. I just don't want to regret not having asked something and then it's too late. I'm not even sure what I am allowed to ask, so I ask for very little.

Did you get to see your kids again at all yet? How did you know that they never got your letters and things? Were you able to write all your letters to your children over the years to the adoption agency who had said they would forward them and then didn't? Did they at one point tell you the adoption was final and that the file would close and be sent on to Phoenix?
No one has ever explained any of this to me so I do not know anything, I'm really fumbling. You probably knew very little when you were at where I'm at now too, but maybe you would be able to help guide me out of your experience, if so I would be eternally grateful to you. I am so sorry about what happened to you and your babies. But, please know this, the words you chose to use on your letter to me makes my eyes fill with tears every time I read it. Not because of the difficult road ahead, or the loss, but because I finally found someone who has felt the pain that I have felt and am feeling and I know by your heartfelt words that your reaching out to help me is out of knowing the absolute agony of the loss we've both endured. And only you would be able to bring me a comfort no one else could bring.

THANK YOU! for the beauty in your words of my babies, and for your support and helping me to acknowledge my mothers intuition that I am and always will be my only 2 babies firstmom, birthmom naturalmom and lifemom and I have little left. I do have the eternal hope that will never leave my heart that they will return to me someday. And yes, those two Angels of mine first loved me. I believe they in the 3 years we were together that the love we shared, that they, nor I will ever be able to extinguish. They were and are the loves of my life. God gave them to this world thru me. I put my hope and trust in him without him I would be dead because I could not stand the pain over this loss.

Please let me know if you found your children and any other words of inspiration that you have, I am sure you have many.

God Bless You and Your Babies

Love,

stacy62

[stacy62]

The previous thread I just wrote was supposed to be to firstmom in reply to the earlier thread she wrote.
I forgot to address or compute it correctly, I'm hoping you'll find it.

thanks

stacy62