[indogo]

hi there everyone..well having a bit of a hard time today.see,for the first 8 years or so that joshua had gone,i completely shut off inside,almost died inside,would have died completely if my angel mike didnt come along.
and now i feel again,which is great,although it hurts so bad i would sooner feel something than nothing.
only thing is that with feeling comes opening,the opening means memories are coming clear,some memories are amazing ,like i can actually remember the day he was born,how he smelt ,everything..only thing is there are memories that today,well,im not realy up to writing about
but,i have my little family,support around me,and will pray to god for strength and understanding....

love alwayz

aymander
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[ingodshands]

Hello again hun

when memories return..oh my

Though I dont understand what it feels like to be a birthmum that has relinquished, I do know what it feels like to REMEMBER.

I have memories of my birthmother before she left, I was 7, I remember making spaghetti with her, I remember riding my first new bike round the block, I remember our dog we had. Although I do not remember her smell, I remember what she looked like. Its when I get most upset when I remember these things.

It is part of the healing when memories return, I guess. I cannot remember ANYTHING from when my birthmother left, for up to a couple of yrs after, right to this day it is still blank.

For the first 8 yrs did you switch off completely so that you couldnt/didnt remember? And memories only just started coming back?

Im sorry you are having a hard day hun, maybe a BIG HUG over the forum will make you feel just a little better.
Take care

Collette

[indogo]

think it was only natural that my memory went blank,i dont remember purposely doing it...just happened,only realised recently.


thankx for the hugz

aymander
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[michellemartin]

Amanda I'm sorry for your bad day, and that I cant be with you there in the UK. I hope the memories have a hint of happiness mixed in.

[indogo]

not realy a bad day,just wasn't prepared for it thats all!!!!!
nobody warned me about this!!thats the thing,they take the child and the bmom is left to carefully pik up thee pieces...thing is.pieces are so small they sometimes splinter into my fingers!!!
i mean.how many times can i fit them all back together!!!!!
good job im not doing it alone,would take forever...

thankx for your love too..helps alott

aymander
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[Jackiejdajda]

indogo wrote..and now i feel again,which is great,although it hurts so bad i would sooner feel something than nothing.

Me as well.. Feeling nothing was almost toxic.. Or it felt toxic..
Now when the bad times come I cry.. I talk about it.. I ask my partner to hear me.. I ask him to know about what I am going through..

Jackie

[indogo]

me too,my partner haS 2 BOYS HE CANNOT SEE
he seems to understand more than i thought he would.
he has been very patient to remain with me,we met 9 years ago..........
i havent given him as much love as i should because i was so numb inside.I can't believe how patient he has been.
so now i just take each day as it comes...
my heart gets warmer,yes the memories hurt but at the same time they are soo comforting too.

best wishes

aymander
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[Jackiejdajda]

indogo wrote..i havent given him as much love as i should because i was so numb inside.

I know that one as well.. My daughter will say that it was not nice growing up with a permanently depressed mother.. I wasn't really depressed I just was not happy a lot of the time..

The book 'Care of the Soul' (Thomas Moore) told me that we need to connect to our feeling self.. Work our way through to it..That really got to me.. How do I do that.. I thought.. I can't remember how I was supposed to do it according to the book.. but I think I have done a lot of it.. I keep trying to catch myself when I shut down emotionally..

Jackie

[indogo]

so now what?.........

[krissy07]

I am sitting here tonight "remembering". I was watching a television show about a father who walked away from his son and three years later regreted the decision and wanted joint custody. I know I will always wish I could have her with me daily and I wonder how I will fell over the years. I hope my financial situation will improve and then I wonder if I will feel guilt that I didn't struggle to keep her. Her aparents and I have a very open relationship, and they are wonderful people. My feelings are just so overwhelming. I'm screaming inside. I wish there was an answer for us all.....

[indogo]

can imagine u sitting there watching the show-so sorry

((hugz))

amanda
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[Jackiejdajda]

krissy07 wrote..I was watching a television show about a father who walked away from his son and three years later regreted the decision and wanted joint custody.

If there is one solid thing I have learned in all this it is.. We can not go back and change a single thing.. Life just plain goes on..
The sons and daughters adapt to the new life..

I used to think.. Its us who are in trouble..

Jackie

[indogo]

i think we are here to learn and that god has a plan.
and i have hope-it keeps you going through the hard times.
could have beens and should have beens are bad roads to walk down...very lonel too..we could walk a little way together if you like??

hugz

amanda
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[BirthMom1991]

If it were not for my husband now.... I would have more than likely ended up dead. I went on a drinking binge after my boys were placed for adoption (10 years ago). The pain never goes away and neither does the what if this and what if that. For the longest time I felt that I let my Boys down... that I failed them in some way. At the time of all of this I was never once offered counciling or a support group or anything else. The caseworker told me to "just deal with it".

Hindsight being 20/20 I did the ONLY thing I could do to get my boys in a safe place. As for my 4 younger children...... they are 9, 8, 6 and almost 3.... I have been open with them about their big brothers as I feel they NEED to know!!!

[krissy07]

thanks amanda. i think that's what gets me by day to day. i know that God does everything for a reason, and my aparents are absolutely wonderful people. i know that they definantly deserve all their blessings, including our daughter. my parents always told me God never gives us anything we can't handle, so i know by his grace and strength i will make it through. thanks for your support. it's so healing to have someone to vent my feelings to that really understands where i'm coming from.

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krissy