[meapril]

I placed a child for adoption a year ago, and haven't had any sort of counseling; I've assumed that I could handle it all. I think I've made a great effort and am coping well, but I have a nagging question that I haven't been able to put to rest.

It's simple, but it is a dilemma for me. Is it ok to refer to and think of the child I placed for adoption as "my daughter"? The truth is I use the term when thinking or speaking of her, and though I know that I am not using it as a possessive or a nonreality term I still feel as though I no longer have the right to call her my daughter.

This leaves me confused. When someone sees a picture and asks if it's my daughter, am I obligated to explain the adoption? Is it wrong to say yes? Is it wrong to say no? I feel that to say no is a complete disloyalty to her because I never want to deny our connection. But I feel to say yes is usurping or faking a role that I have lost, even though it is NOT my intention to do so. I don't know why it is cause for such anxiety, but does anyone have any advice?

[blankenb4]

meapril,

I have had the same thoughts in the past. My daughter is 33 years old. I haven't always talked about her to others, but I have never denied her or the fact that I gave birth to her. I placed her so that she could have the chance at a good life. I will always be her bio mom. When asked, I would say yes, no need to explain further unless you feel the need to do so.

Hugs,

Barbara

[Volfe]

Yes, You should say you are her mother for you are. That relationship can not be disbanded by paper (the bio relationship and the love). The role you gave up was mommy.

A lot of people like to say first-mother, bio-mother, birth-mother... whatever the prefix, it is still mother.

And no i wouldn't explain to people, just smile and say she's your daughter. They don't need to know any more than that.

Me, I love my daughter (well all 4 of my kids). Since Gracie's a baby I show her pics to everyone who knew I was pregnant. Most of them know I placed but they still like to see pics (well those that like to see baby pics) of my baby! She's still yours to love and show off.

Gracie will be 1 in October. This is also a hard time for me. If you feel worse around her bday just come chat with us if you want, we'll be here.

Maia

[meapril]

Thank you for your replies... it is a relief to know I don't have to feel guilty when saying "my daughter". Adoption is such an odd thing, in that you have no idea the complexity of the situation and feelings until you're there. Nobody teaches you how to deal with adoption issues in school. I'm glad you're here to help!

[chaosjade]

Just wanted to tell you that you have a beautiful baby girl!!!
She is yours. You carried her nine months and you gave birth to her and the bond you have will always be there.
This is the place to be for support!!

[79nic]

meapril,

I fairly often tell people I have two children... that number includes Marie, my bdaughter.

She is definitely still your daughter, and I don't think you have to feel bad at all for thinking of her that way.

I don't refer to Marie as "my" daughter in front of her adoptive parents.. but to strangers who see her picture? Yeah. To myself when I am missing her? Yeah. And as far as her parents... I only don't do it in front of them out of respect, so they won't think I'm trying to undermine them as parents... but they know I love her and would happily tell anyone that yes, Marie has two mothers--Y and me.