[Doyle]

At 19, I chose adoption for my first son, whom I'll call "Ryan". I have a great relationship with him and his parents, and I've never questioned that it was the right decision. Now, five years later, I'm engaged to be married to a wonderful man, and we just found out that we are pregnant.

I would like Ryan to be the ring bearer at my wedding. But it is so much more complicated than that. We have been very open in this adoption from the beginning, believing that was the best way to go. Ryan often asks questions much deeper than one would expect from a 5-year old, and expresses some confusion, naturally. He understands that he came from my tummy, but he has his own parents. He understands that he is part of my family as well as his own, and when he recently met my mom, he chose to call her "Grandma". What he doesn't understand is WHY all of his friends came from their mommy's tummies, and he couldn't come from HIS mommy's tummy. He often expresses his desire for a brother or sister.

My problem is twofold:
1. We don't want to mislead Ryan at the wedding by introducing him and his family as "close friends of the family", but we don't want to overwhelm him or threaten his identity with all this new information when he is struggling with so much confusion already. Most of my extended family is not aware of Ryan's existence.
2. Since I will be pregnant at the wedding, and Ryan knows he came from my tummy, a five-year old's deduction would be that he is finally getting a brother or sister. How do we explain that I loved him so much that I gave him to his mommy and daddy, but now I'll be keeping this baby?

[Dixierae]

hi,
Iam a bmom and have had the reunion and its all been bad, but its ok , let me say this to you if no one knows in your family about your first son do you think him being in the wedding is really a good thing for him? I think his parents would be upset by this. Anyway do what you think is best and do whats right by your first born, I do feel for you as answers are never very good from some of us.
I do wish you well on your up comming marrige
and hope you are blessed with the second baby
you ever want to chat just yell,,,
WE LOVE THEM WHEN THERE BORN AND LOVE THEM MORE WHEN THEY ARE GONE,,,,,,,,Diana

[patrisha]

Doyle,

I do know of friends that did exactly what you are planning (her daughter was the flower girl). Questions and awkward moments did occur, but they felt it was worth it. Excluding him from the wedding not's going to stop him from eventually asking the questions about your pregnancy anyway.

You need to discuss this with Ryan's Mom. Maybe now is the time the subject of why he has 2 different mom's needs to be better explained. He will have a sibling, but he needs to understand why he or she will not be living with him.

Congraduations!

Trish

[Doyle]

Although this decision is ultimately up to Ryan's parents to make, I appreciate your pearls of wisdom. I'll keep them in the back of my mind next time I talk with them.

I know that his parents only want the best for him, so I will have to trust their judgement.

Thank you, Trisha, for pointing out that he WILL have a sibling, just not living with him! Are you a birthmom, too?

[bromanchik]

Originally posted by Doyle
What he doesn't understand is WHY all of his friends came from their mommy's tummies, and he couldn't come from HIS mommy's tummy.

This is actually a very normal developmental response for adopted children. It is the beginning of understanding that there are losses associated with being placed for adoption. I would acknowledge his sadness at not being born to his mom.

He often expresses his desire for a brother or sister.

[/color] I would tell him you are pregnant as soon as possible. He needs to hear it from you. You can explain, in simple terms, why things are different with this baby. You can say "When you were born there were so many things that you needed that I did not have to give you. With this baby in my tummy I have those things to give so I will be this baby's parent." Let him know that , even though they are not living together he will be the baby's big brother.

My problem is twofold:
1. We don't want to mislead Ryan at the wedding by introducing him and his family as "close friends of the family", but we don't want to overwhelm him or threaten his identity with all this new information when he is struggling with so much confusion already. Most of my extended family is not aware of Ryan's existence.


"I think that being introduced as "a close family friend" when he knows he came from your "tummy" would be more threatening to his identity than introducing him as your birthson. The latter is decieving and he might wonder why you don't tell people who he really is. This happened with a dear friend of mine. I think, until you are willing to let people know who he is in your life, you should not put him in situations where you feel you need to cover-up who he is."

2. Since I will be pregnant at the wedding, and Ryan knows he came from my tummy, a five-year old's deduction would be that he is finally getting a brother or sister.

He is getting a brother or a sister, just not one that will be living with him. You surrendered your parental rights. You did not surrender the connections of your children. They remain even if you are not parenting them both.

Good Luck. Let us know how it goes.

[patrisha]

Doyle....yes, I am the birth mother to a now 33 year old son. We have been reunited for about 2 years now.

"You surrendered your parental rights. You did not surrender the connections of your children. They remain even if you are not parenting them both."

That was VERY WELL PUT. It speaks not only to this situation, but to the reason birth family reunions should not be limited to contact between the birth parent and adoptee. My birth son and his sister are getting closer all the time. Both were raised as only children and they now have as an adult, what they always wished for when they were little.

Trish

[Doyle]

You bring up some very good points. It's not that I'm not willing to share with my family about Ryan, but I haven't been in contact with many of them since before I was pregnant with him. I didn't see a good reason to announce his birth, but now that he is such a wonderful part of my life, I want my family to know him.

Our main concern is Ryan's perception of meeting so many people who will have never known about him, yet they are his "other family." It's not likely I will send out a birth announcement for him now, along with the wedding invitations!

[bromanchik]

You might want to reconsider sending out that announcement. I know many birthmoms who have done just that with really positive results. When is the wedding? You can send out one as a Christmas letter before you send out the wedding invitations. It may sound unorthodox, but I have known it to work well. Of course there will always be a few that don't take it well, but no matter how they hear, that will be the case.