[Lovemends2]

I have a question for birth mothers only to answer.

Suppose you gave up your child up for adoption and many years later
That child, now an adult found you and the relationship between you
And your adult child turned out in disappointment.

1. What would you say or think in your death bed “I regret my failed relationship with my placed child could be fixed now?”

2. Would you yell or whisper out your placed adult child’s name while dying?

3. Would you admit your mistakes to your placed child standing by your death bed?

4. Would you tell your placed child you LOVED him/her regardless how bad the relationship was?

5. Would you rewind back in life and hug your placed lost adult child in your arms for a long time never letting go again?

6. If you cannot answer those questions above because you hate your placed child so much that you secretly wish your placed adult child was dead or murdered by someone else?

That is what I wonder about my birth mother……even though she “hates” me and I have done my part as a good “lost” daughter. The ball in court is in her hand now. I will rest in peace knowing I have conquered my fears as barriers in my path and yet my birth mother has found a shortcut to avoid the barrier in her path. I felt sorry for her.

[BrandyHagz]

Honestly

I dont look at my birthdaughter any differently than I look at my son whom I parented. Both I love unconditionally, and always will...NO MATTER WHAT THEY DO!

You cant just turn your love off and on...I may be disappointed in the choices they make...and I may not agree with the choices they make...but I will never *hate* my children...ever.


That said...if there were problems in our relationship...which could happen I suppose...I would have to say #4...because as I said above...I will ALWAYS love my children...no matter what...

I, like you, have a birthmom who hates me...I'll never understand it...especially since I to am a birthmom and could never imagine not feeling love towards my little girl. Some women just dont care...I know most people dont want to believe that...but as someone else said on the forums once...there are birthmothers that couldnt WAIT to give birth and give the baby away because they simply felt nothing...and thats how my b-mom feels. I respect her decision not to have me in her life...I look at it as her loss...I doubt very much that there will be any death bed revolations when it comes to her, and I am ok with that.

[Lovemends2]

Interesting!!! you have all roles of an adoptee, birthmother and adoptive mother. Hats off to you!!! Thank you!

[Pandora]

Hi

1) I do not need to get to my deathbed to know that I regret not spending my life with my child. If I had a reunion and it was not good I would always love my child no matter what, I have no doubts about that. I do not want to die never seeing my child again or knowing what happened to him.


2) I do not know the circumstances yet to come of my death but I do know that if I have last thoughts they would certainly include my child

3) I would admit I made mistakes to my child always anytime if the situation arose.

4) I would tell my child I loved him unconditionally and always have done.

5) If I could be allowed put my arms around my child I would want it to last forever.

6) I cannot fathom that question, but I can say that if I found that anyone had harmed a single hair on his head I would hunt them down to the ends of the earth and ensure they never get away with it.

I really do not know what it is with your bmother, but perhaps she is sick in the head, perhaps the pressure of the adoption, the stigma, the attitude of society - then living with it all these years, then finding you and everything not turning out as she fantasized has tipped her over the edge? She cannot possibly be normal if she said any of the things you mentioned in question no. 6.

I know it is not ideal nor of any great help to you now but perhaps it explains her unnatural, abnormal actions?

I hope that you recover from this somehow.

All the best

Pandora

[Lovemends2]

Thank you for sharing with me. It helped me to understand birth mother better. I just wish there is a miracle somehow change her heart toward me. I pray and pray for a miracle to be reunioned with her again with the bad past memories all erased away.

I am like that little robot boy in "AI" movie.

[BrandyHagz]

Lovemends...the most important thing for you to remember is that you can not change how other people feel. You really need to find someone to talk to in your area that can help you get past the rejection. You've lived your whole live with out her, you will live the rest of your life with or with out her....you need to be strong...you dont need someone in your life that is going to make you feel bad for being born...and it sounds to me like that is what she is trying to do.


I suggest finding someone that can help you get past the rejection, so you can live for yourself...and stop worrying about why she chooses not to have you in her life...


I wish you all the luck in the world!

[Lovemends2]

The problem is I have no money for a therapist. Plus I have a phyiscal disability from my birth, I cannot hear and speak that prevents me from having good communication with anyone. My deafness has engulfed me into great isolation of loneliness since my childhood.

[Dawn74]

My heart aches for you and all adoptees whose bmoms don't welcome them with open arms. How I wish my daughter would reconsider and let me be a little part of her life.
But I respect her decisions,

I do regret that my circumstances in 1974 at the age of 18 did not allow me to keep my daughter. I regret that there were no agencies set up to help me other than welfare. I did not want to raise my baby on welfare and without a father. I wanted her to have a Mom and Dad and siblings.

I have loved her unconditionally from the moment I realized I was pregnant and no matter how she feels or what she does, I will love her until my dying day.

I will periodically send her notes to remind her that I love her and if she ever changes her mind, I would love to get to know her and her afamily.

I think of her every day, as I have everyday for the last 29 years. I have no other children and she will always be in my mind.

For 29 years I have prayed every day for her. To some day be able to know that she is alive, healthy and happy. That was all I wanted. And now I know she is all of the above. She has a wonderful Mom and Dad, a sister and brother and niece and nephew.

Had I known that the day I met her it might be the last day she let me into her life, I wouldn't have done anything different. I got my prayers answered. I held my beautiful 28 year old daughter in my arms, told her face to face how much I love her and I guess that will just have to be enough for me.

I wish with all my heart, I could make your mother see how blessed she would be to have you in her life, but I can't. I will keep you in my prayers. Be strong.
God Bless,
Dawn

[Lovemends2]

Dawn,

I am so sorry! That she is your only child causing you to think only of her. You seem a caring and forgiving birth mother compared to my stubborn and unforgiving birth mother!

Your daughter really should reconsider someday!

My too many questions and one offensive sentence drove my birth mother away from me. I am almost 28 years old and was adopted at age 4, so your daughter is close age as me.

I could guess the shock, pain, and abandonment issues your daughter faced as an adoptee is overwhelming to her which she may blame even though she may have good or bad adoptive parents who raised her.

My heart is with you!!! Thank you for your imputs about my birth mother which you are so right she got to walk alone without me being a part in her life which she chose and desires.