[Blue Irish Eyes]

Traci,
Thanks for the wonderful words of wisdom and encouragement. I thinkwe adoptees all do strugle with all these emotions tht whirl around in our heads..And you are right not to close off to the others in your life just because a bmom, or bdad or bchild closes off to you. That is only one person and if they don't have the strength to cope, well maybe that is not their fault either. who knows what kind of pressures from family may have been placed on them. so I do think we have to be understanding of all sides.

Your daughter is a lucky girl to have you for her bmom AND her aparents are also lucky because you do not pose a threat to them or their family as it is...I think it is wonderful that the aparent, while having you hold off (which can't have been easy for you), were also astute enough to the daughter's emotional and maturity levels to perhaps pace things and now have said, OK, time to write. No doubt they will read what you tell your daughter and will ensure her level of security with all that she is going to learn and digest. I think she will be fine and I also think that one day you will be a welcome friend in her existing family circle. All of you will be very lucky indeed. Many adoptees have said they don't want to pick one over the other..they can't understand why the adults in the situation can't figure out that just because a brelative comes into the adoptees life that it doesn't mean the aparents will now be odd man out..we aren't torn that way ( or maybe most aren't). We see it as room for everyone but perhaps that can only be maintained when the adoptee is at a certain level of adulthood or maturity.

I wish the best for all of you.. Ithink it is going to be wonderful sooner than you may imagine.

[tracieinalaska]

Hi,

Blue Irish Eyes, thank you so much for the encouragement. I have REALLY appreciated the openess of adoptees on this site. As a birthmom, I have so MANY questions about what it is like. I want so badly to understand my daughter. You are the second person who has brought up the wisdom of my daughter's parents asking me to keep it light for this first year. There were lots of times that I was so frusterated with that, but submitted to their wishes because they are mom and dad. After being on this board, I am feeling like they were VERY right. That going slow and light in the beginning has probably allowed my daughter to digest things a little slower and hopefully has not caused as much stress to her emotions.

Here are some questions that I have for adoptees...

Do you have lingering anger at your birthmom or does it come and go??

Have any of you in reunion been able to forgive and put any anger to rest? (my daughter has not expressed any anger yet, but I am anticipating the possiblity as she becomes more comfortable with me)

What do you think that you want the most from your birthmom?

What are the biggest questions you have for her?

How do you envision your relationship post reunion?

My daughter has expressed how differently she always felt from her family. The more I learn about her, I cannot BELIEVE how much like her birthfamily she is. It AMAZES me. Have any of you in reunion gotten a sense of not being so "different" by being around birthfamily, or do you still feel the same sense of differentness. (that is assuming that you felt that way in the first place!)

Sorry about all of the questions I have a bucketload more of them where those came from. I just want to understand my daughter the best that I can. God bless, Tracie.

[Blue Irish Eyes]

Hi, Again,

Interesting questions, and good ones too. As an adoptee, I really appreciate the interest you are taking in studying the reunion matter in depth. From all I have been reading in regard to this, it is something to search deeply about before making the journey.

I have not had a reunion. My bmom is alive but so far has not answered any mail sent to her on my behalf by the CI.

Do I have anger at her or hate her? When I was a kid I thought I was supposed to be angry at her and not want to know anything about her because how could anyone just put a baby out like an empty milk bottle. But with maturity comes levels of understanding. So, no I don't hate her, and am notangry at her. That takes too much effort to be angry at someone I don't know and whose situation I don't understand, yet.

What do I want from her? I want the story of what happened to her and me. The way things are now with all the secrecy, it is as though the story is only hers. That is not true...I am part of that story only I don't know what happened. It complicates matters for me because my mom said one time that she " always felt my birthmother should have been ALLOWED to keep me" When I pressed for more of an explaination, mom would not share it. So she went to her grave with a secret about me and the bmom and left me hanging. After my dad died, then I went though a lot of hell and in the end decided to search. So I do have some non id info but I have very strong feelings that the family, with whom the bmom was "in constant communication" had a very stong influence on what my bmom did..makes me think it was against her will and the bmom was 23 when I was born....so I search for the whole story.

If I were to learn that my bmom was a good person and on hard times, I would want to find a way to help her. I have sent pictures and a letter to the agency for her should she ever get the courage to ask for it. So far, unless she concents, no further info about her or what happened can be shared with me.

[Chris012473]

You know Tracie on the issue of anger, I never thought I really had any anger until recently. My therypist requested that I try to get into the frame of mind of a young child (I chose 1 month old) and write a letter to my birthmother. I did this one night when I was rather tired and did not put a lot of "thought" into it...just wrote what I was feeling. It was scary to me how much anger I saw in this letter. Most of the anger is the ever important "why". I have two young children now and I just can't even imagine "giving them up".

I think my biggest question to her (when and if I get to meet her) is "why"... I, as a logical adult, understand that society in 1973 did not allow for unwed mothers as it does today. I truely believe that putting me up for adoption was the best answer that she had at the time.

I was lucky. I was adopted by a wonderful couple who raised me and two biological children the best anyone could expect. I even look a lot like my family (many people are quite surprised when they find out I am adopted...I look just like my mother). So out of a realationship with my biological family, I think I will be looking more for "a special friendship". I don't think I could even call my birith mother "mom". I have a "mom" and she raised me. This person would still be a VERY special person in my life though.

What do I want most from my birthmom...I guess I would have to say information. I would love to know as much as I can about my background.

Since I am only 30, I can remember what it was like to be 15...how confusing it is. Your daughter is very lucky that her adoptive parents have contact with you...with their help and yours, your daughter will grow up to know so much about herself. I remeber in my teen years wondering all kinds of things about my birth family. It's so nice that she will be able to get that inforamtion.

I envy your relationship. I can only imagine how hard it is on your side to have to "wait", but I belive that your patience will definatly pay off.

Keep posting questions...I love talking to bmoms on here because being a mother now, I think I have a more focus interest in the birthmother's emotions and feelings. It's so nice to know that there are loving bmoms out there and I hope to find mine someday and I hope she is as wonderful as you are!!

[angela dettloff]

I'm glad to have stumbled on this post!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm so worried about my sone to be 18 year old daughter.
I'm a bmother searching for what you have all talked about here. I love this child so much and want to have a realationship with her. her amother did not want her to contact her bsisters and I.
What is an 18 year old going through? Help me under stand.
I have to go my husband is acting like a JERK.