[tracieinalaska]

HI...Well, it's one of those days as a birthmom when it feels like I just said goodbye to my daughter yesterday...even though it has been fifteen years. I spent most of the day wearing sunglasses so that my kids wouldn't see the tears. Anyway, I wrote something to my daughter that I would like to share. I am going to put it in the journal I am writing for her. We have been in reunion for a year now, but she is only 15, so I save the really emotional stuff for her journal which I will give her when she is older. Here goes...

My finger traces the softness of your cheek. My lips brush the sweetness of your lips. I breathe in the scent of flesh of my flesh and bone of my bones. Only a few hours to soak up memories to last a lifetime. Snapshots of you to hold in my heart.

I snuggle up close to you and encircle your body with mine. I want so desperatly to stay awake...not to lose a single moment of time. But sleep creeps up on me...it just feels so natural to drift away with you in my arms.

Only too soon, we are awakened. It's time to say goodbye. How did those precious moments fly by so fast? What will I do without you? How will I go on? I know that the only way to survive is to curl up in my Saviours arms and hide. He is my refuge, my shelter from the storm.

It's been fifteen years and yet it seems like just a moment ago that I held you in my arms. My emotions are as fresh as the day I said goodbye. What can I say, what can I do to lessen the pain? Oh my soul, hope thou in the Lord...the hope of my salvation.

And today, do you know what I dream of? I dream of lying next to you my daughter. I dream of breathing in once again the scent of flesh of my flesh and bone of my bones. I dream of curling up behind you and wraping my arms around you. I dream of feeling you breathe...slower and slower as we drift off to sleep side by side. And then when we wake up, I don't ever want to say goodbye again.

I love you Rachael.

[Just Julie]

Oh Tracie, your words made me weep. I'm an a-mom, but I met my adopted son when he was 17. Just yesterday I posted a poem (and previously two others) I had written for him, "In Due Time" about the same feelings. Your post made me realize for the first time why I share many of the same feelings that birthmoms have. We both missed out on our children's childhood. I share your dream of wrapping him in my arms, yet partly because of his age it may never happen. Your words are beautiful. May the Lord bless and comfort you.

[Chris012473]

Tracie that was wonderful.

I am an adoptee who is going through counseling while work on the search for my birth family. You letter is similar to the ones I have been writing and putting in a journal. The most recent one was very emotional and I am not sure I would ever be able to share it with my birth mother. Although you are not my birth mother, reading your words comforts me in.

Thank you for your post.

Christine

[sspete]

Tracie--How beautiful!!!!! Boy as a fellow bmom have a felt those emotional feelings you are writing of!!! Thanks for expressing it SO wonderfully!!! You are in my prayers as you grieve the times you are missing--I truly know how you feel!!! Blessings to YOU!! S Pete

[Blue Irish Eyes]

Tracie,
That letter is just beautiful. I think I'll "adopt" it for myself.
As an Adoptee who has been searching and only know that my bmom is alive but unwilling to have a contact, I can't even know her name or where she lives...

Your letter is the dream I think every adoptee would love to believe has been written and kept for them .Whatever the circumstances were that forced you to let your child go, she will know that from the first she was loved. I don't think all of us can say that of our own situations ,but we wish we could.

[tracieinalaska]

Hi all,

just wanted to say thank you for your responses to my post. I am doing better today. It just seems like some days the grief and loss wells up more than others. I sent my daughter the story of her adoption this past week. It took me a month to write it all down. We have been in reunion (thru letters) for a year now, but her mom and dad haven't wanted me to get real serious until recently. They finally gave me the go ahead to just write!! Exciting, but scary. Anyway, it has been a little emotional this week wondering how she felt when she read my letter. She has only heard bits and pieces about the "why's" of her adoption from her mom and dad. I am really glad I finally got to tell her the whole story, but I am wondering if she will go through some periods of grief or anger when she reads it. I have lived it and re-lived it over and over for 15 years now and it still makes me emotional. Anyway, I am rambling...my husband is out on an oil rig in the ocean working this month so I don't have him to talk to.

To Blue Irish Eyes and all of those adoptees out there who have not yet been welcomed in with open arms, my heart breaks for you. Every single one of you is worth being longed for, being missed, being passionatly loved by your birthfamilies. I firmly believe that NO ONE is ever an accident. That even if your birthparents didn't plan for you, God planned for you. I hope and pray that every one of you out there who have not been welcomed would come to realize...not just with your mind, but with your heart that there is nothing wrong with you. I have learned as a birthmom, that if my heart is opened up to the love of my daughter, it is also wide open to the pain of losing my daughter. I think some birthmom's just can't take the pain, so they close up their hearts. The bummer is that you can't selectively close your heart to pain and not to love. If you close up, you are just closed. So there is my sermon for the day I'm a preacher's daughter by the way...does it show??? ha ha. God bless, Tracie.