[Nissa]

My name is Nissa and I am a birth mother of a precious little girl I named Amber Marie. She just turned 8 in March. I have yet to be able to really talk much about my adoption experience with anyone that I am not close to but I feel that I need some help from some one who has had similar experiences.
I guess I just started recognizing my need for help recently. I have been married for 4 years soon and have a wonderful 2 year old son Braydon, and just gave birth to a set of twins. The oldest is a sweet blue eyed darling named Keadon and then we have our princess Sepherah.
She looks nothing like Amber but I cannot help feeling very greedy about her. I have a hard time letting anyone hold her or letting Mike or my mom even change diapers of change her clothes. I am just starting to realize that I am afraid of loosing her.
Both twins were pretty sick a month back with a bronchial infection and their doctor put them in the hospital. I was in such a state of shock but at the same time keeping a prayer in my heart that my Heavenly Father would not take her from me.
I just know that if anything happens to any one of my children I will end up in a mental hospital.
I seem pretty normal on the outside and I have been on Zoloft since Braydon was 7 months old, but inside I am a confused jumble of emotions and fears.
Writing out my feeling has always helped me cope with emotional difficilities but I have yet to write about these feelings till now. I hope it helps.
Thanks for listening.
Nissa

[nancynic]

Dear Nissa,

What courage it took for you to write. It is good that you are looking for support which we all need, especially during difficult times.

It is also very positive that you are aware of what you are feeling and why you are feeling the way you are. Often when we are feeling despondent or depressed we don't know why. There is great confusion that goes along with deep emotions. Writing is a good way to look deep within and find expression for the pain.

Reaching out to others to let them know of your pain is the beginning of the healing process. Please keep in touch to let us know how you are doing.

warm regards,
Nancy

[browntap]

Nissa,
After reading your story I felt that it probably has something to do with your recent delivery. I know when I brought home a newborn and had a toddler/preschooler at home, I had these really horrible thoughts of car accidents and only my daughter being killed and other bizarre scenarios. I realize now that is was probably due to sleep deprivation and changes in my hormone levels after delivery. I can only imagine with twins and taking care of two babies would be so hard! I think it's great you felt comfortable to "talk" on here and you seem so aware of your feelings.
I hope your anxiety goes away and you can enjoy your babies!
Tammi

[sspete]

As a bmom to a 19 year old and a mom to a 8 and 4 year old, I can certainly relate to what you are saying!!! I feel as though I am a better mom for having put my oldest daughter up for adoption. When I had my eight year old I was SO overprotective and really funny about anyone getting close to her!!!! I truly believe that this had a lot to do with "losing" my first baby!!! Please don't think your feelings are abnormal--they are NOT!!! They are not healthy however!!!! A way to relax a little is just be the best mom you know how and understand that your babies are with you to stay!!! You have come to the right place to share your feelings, and it is my hope for you that you can learn to just enjoy your babies!!!! You have your hands full so take as much help as you can get--Remember YOU DESERVE IT!!!! Blessings-- S Pete

[JustStarting]

Hi,

I read your note and my heart went out for you. And, I wanted to pass on my two cents.

First of all, you'll get through this. It will get better with each week. You can do this! You will do this! And, don't ever settle for feeling "bad". Insist that your docs, family and friends continue to help you, if you are uncomfortable.

And, don't feel embarrassed about this issue! Very important. Remember, many of the world's famous women have come forward with their own experiences as mothers. Princess Di, Marie Osmond (mother of 7 or 8), both suffered and had to be medicated, just like me also.

Ask for help with the chores, children etc... Heck, don't ask, just tell people you need them to do this, that or the other - and they will.

If the anxiety interferes with your life, then I highly recommend the "Northwest Center for Panic & Anxiety". I'm sure you can find their info on the web. They are fantastic to say the least! They are non-religious but encourage it if you need yours, and they are open to meds, but don't push them.

Keep smiling, and putting one foot in front of the other. Remember to take time for yourself - also very important. And, try to always remember that although someone else may pay attention to your daughter, she knows YOU are her mama!

Good luck & Best wishes,

Elizabeth
(past sufferer of post-partum depression/panic attacks & fully recovered!!!)

[JustStarting]

PS...

I goofed. It's the "Midwest Center for Stress & Anxiety", in case you couldn't find them on the web. And, again, their "at-home" programs are amazingly helpful! Especially with the negative thoughts!

Good luck!

Elizabeth