[kittycat]

I have been reunited with my daughter for a little over a year now. We have become very close but sometimes we just really get on each other's nerves. We have been in that mode a lot lately. I love her very much but can't help feeling like I'm not good for her (even though I know I am). We have really been getting on each other's nerves a lot lately because we see each other so much and talk to each other so much too! That can't be good for a relationship.
Don't get me wrong, I love her very much and I am so, so very lucky and happy she is in my life. But, sometimes I would really like some time away. I feel like since we are together so often we can't really enjoy ourselves because there isn't much to say. I feel like if I weren't there, she wouldn't do anything. She doesn't do anything with her friends anymore because she says that they are all married and have kids or that she doesn't have money to do anything. I try to encourage her to call them and ask if they just want to hang out or something. I don't want her to lose contact with all her friends and be lonely because of me.
I would like to talk to her about this, and I have a little, but I feel like when I do, she gets her feelings hurt and thinks I am going to leave her. She admits that she does have abandonment issues.
I feel like I'm caught between a rock and a hard place. I really don't ever want to have the feeling of not knowing where she is or how she is doing again but sometimes I feel like she is too needy and I just need space. Also, it would be good for her if I did not do so much with her then she would be forced to seek others out.
She told me that she is feeling more like calling me mom instead of by my name but that she just isn't quite comfortable with that yet. She said that she doesn't really feel comfortable calling me by my name either. Of course, that makes me feel very happy!!!
She told me that if she did call me mom that I couldn't tell her brother and sister-in-law. I understand her feeling that way but what's the point if it has to be so secretive. She hasn't called me that yet.
I still get very envious when she talks to her parents on the phone in front of me or when she talks about them to me. I hear her talk to them and she doesn't seem to have the conflicts and problems that we have when we are together. Their conversations are very happy and loving. That is part of why I feel like I'm not really good for her.
It makes me feel so sad. I just want the feeling of joy and happiness that we both felt at the beginning but it seems to have disappeared a little.
I don't know what to do. I need advice. I love her, I don't want to lose her, but this has to change. I just don't really know the right way to go about it without hurting her feelings or turning her away. Please help me!

[Sharon]

Kitty Cat,
how wise you are to recognize that there is a problem here, and that this much dependence and attachment this early in the relationship might not be good for your daughter.
I'm not sure how you can back off and give her the room she needs to mature without hurting her feelings and damaging your relationship, but you might try doing things together that don't include much talking and interacting like movies or concerts. You might try doing very active things, like hiking or bike-riding... I'm thinking of activities that will get her out and interacting with others and being involved rather than just sitting around talking to you, especially since, as you said, you two "don't have that much to say."
You might also speak to a counselor... if you don't think she would be willing to go to joint counseling with you to deal with her attachment issues, perhaps YOU should just go to one by yourself and explore different methods of dealing with this relationship, ways that will benefit both of you.
This is a tough situation, because like many birthmothers, you probably dreamed of being close to your daughter for years... now that the dream is a reality, you need to find ways of being close and expanding the relationship that will be healthy for her and for you.
Reassure her that there's no hurry as far as calling you "mom"; you both know that you are her mom and she is your daughter, but if she doesn't feel comfortable using the title (or having others find out that she is using it) then perhaps she shouldn't rush things. Find ways to let her know that you will always be there, and will always be her mom, even if she never calls you mom and even if you don't see each other and talk on a daily basis. Most adults do not spend all of their free time hanging around with their mothers... and even so, they manage to have lovng relationships with them. Your daughter probably fears that if she doesn't see you constantly, you will disappear from her life or "forget" about her. Find ways to let her know that this could never happen.
In the long run, I think maybe the only answer is to give it time. Once she realizes that you intend to be there for her consistently, she may start to overcome some of her emotional dependence on you.
Congratulations on your reunion, and best of luck to you both.
Sincerely, ~ Sharon
One other idea I just thought of... since you want your daughter to engage in activities that will help her "seek others out", why not join some kind of group or club together? It can be anything that you are both interested in... a creative writing group, a scuba diving class, or whatever... as long as it's something you can both do together with other people, and that will help her meet and interact with other people as well. Just an idea... Sharon

[kittycat]

Sharon,
Thanks for your insight. You hit the nail on the head. You seem to understand just how I feel. Wow, what wonderful ideas. I will have to give them a try. I especially like the idea of joining a group together with others. That would be good for both of us. Also, I like the idea of doing things that don't require a lot of talking. I enjoy talking to her but there is only so much to say. Again, thanks!!!