This is the healing wall so I am posting my story, hoping it will help me to get it all out. Due to length, I will try to go fast. Met BP at age 18. Low self-esteem I had. He beat me for 4 yrs. We a baby girl 5/18/89 - beautiful desiree. 6 mos. later I was preg again and decided to give him up at birth - ryan 10/90. BP told me things were bad because of Desiree and I had to get rid of her (she was 2). I brought her to DCYF temporarily till I could figure out what to do. Went home that day after signing the papers and BP was gone. I went to get Desi and they said I couldn't, I would have to go to court. BP came back a few weeks later and beat me again, I called police. He went to jail and until jury trial, I went to a safehouse - which ended up being almost for a year. I saw Desi an hour a week. After BP was sentenced and I got out, Desi didn't know me - her fosterparents wanted to adopt her and I had nothing to give, but love, which wasn't enough. I signed the papers, bp relinquished his rights. Ahead now, 2000 BP murdered his parents and is sentenced to jail for life, Desi had been seeing them under grandparents rights. NOw she is hurting and I never wanted her to. Now, I call Ryan's adoptive mom to warn her not to let Ryan watch the news (he knows who his dad is and they live in the same state). She is happy I called and wants Ry to see me. I am now a happy, well-established professional and with a great man for over 10 years. Visits are great - ry loves us - too much. She cuts off contact. She calls Desi's mom and tells her lies about me. I didn't know she was unstable, but apparently is. I choose not to call Desi's mom because I refuse to defend myself. I was not a perfect person back when I was with BP, I was an emotional wreck being battered. I only wanted my kids to be happy and not have to deal with what I was going through. Now it seems that they are both hurt. I can't do anything about it. I can't change the past, but have done a great job on changing my life. I cry every Mother's Day and Desi's birthday. Counselor's said it would get easier, but it never has. I felt like adoption would be the best thing, but the pain is so deep. I understand Ry's mom may have felt threatened by Ry's love for us, I am thankful for the time we had with him, but I feel by calling Desi's mom was uncalled for. Now I have no chance, I'm sure. I feel like I will never see my daughter or son again - even when they are of age, they will probably hate me because may believe what they have been told. Sometimes life seems so unfair, I try to be a good person and always see the best in the situation, but I can't help like feeling victimized for something that wasn't my fault. thanks for listening. CherCarlson