[dpen]

Sharon

I totally agree with your post. This boy/man is ONLY 23 years ols and we all know that evan though he is considered an adult legally, he may not be emotionally. Which ever way this goes WILL effect the rest of his life. This is not about either set of parents, it is about him!! This whole situation needs professional help to sort through everyones motivations and concerns. Remember nobody owns anyone else...if after help he decides that he wants to change his name ,so be it...but everyone needs to be sure that is in his best interest.

We all read these posts and try to identify with our own personal situations and then respond based on our own feelings. Sharon, you looked at the situation and responded based on Ladydyans situation...and what is best for the adoptee....as an adoptee...Thank you! Donna

[bandfan]

Whew, what a deal, but I must come forward in defense of your son. I am a 32 year old adoptee. I have known I was adopted since I was 8 years old. Up until the time I learned the truth I'd always sensed a sort of hostility from my amom, but when I learned that I was adopted, things got worse. Before I go on, please let me say that I was never physically abused, nor was I neglected. But, my amom would tell me things about my bparents that a child should never be told. I was told how my birthmom was really a prostitute and that I was not the first child she'd given up. I was also told to my face that the only reason I was adopted was not that they wanted to have a daughter, but they really wanted a son. (My biological brother and I were put up for adoption as a pair. He was the only boy available at the time, so to get their boy, they had to take me too A package deal, I guess.). I was constantly reminded of how I should be grateful to them for saving me from life in some sort of home, had they not adopted me. I could go on and on, but this about you, not me...
All you amoms out there, I'm not slamming you. I'm trying to say that there are good and bad people, and as hard as it is to believe, even some bad people are able to adopt. I KNOW!! I'm sure your son has his reasons for his decision. (BTW-I have no contact w/my a family. They want nothing to do with me.) Stand by your son LadyDyan! I can sympathise with the struggle he is going through.
Bless you and your son, and you are in my thoughts. -Sheila-

[MomTo1]

you write.

..... "I was told how my birthmom was really a prostitute and that I was not the first child she'd given up.

.... I was also told to my face that the only reason I was adopted was not that they wanted to have a daughter, but they really wanted a son. (My biological brother and I were put up for adoption as a pair. He was the only boy available at the time, so to get their boy, they had to take me too A package deal, I guess.).

.....I was constantly reminded of how I should be grateful to them for saving me from life in some sort of home, had they not adopted me. I could go on and on,""


Oh my gosh, as a adoptive mother, this breaks my heart! I'm so sorry you experienced this in your life! You sound like a great young lady, how sad your a/mom can't see it!

How hurtful it must be to have one's own family, treat them with so little respect and love. You are way too GOOD for that family! I wish you peace ....

[LadyDyan1]

When I originally posted this new thread I never dreamed it would have pulled the varying responses it did. And I don't understand the offensiveness taken by quite a few when in essence this situation is uniquely mine and doesn't apply to anyone else's life. However, somehow it did obviously do just that. I am certainly not anti-adoption. There are too many children that are in desperate need of that service. Whether or not it will ever be accepted, you are truly correct in your statement that there are bad Aparents...no reflection on those that are not.....as well as bad Birthparents. I applaud your courage to honestly state your case. And my heart goes out to you for what you had to needlessly endure. Sometimes adults make choices because they can...not because of whether or not it is in anyone's best interest. My son was told at the age of 4 he was adopted. And told the most horrible things...none of which was true. It gave him the same difficulties. I choose to believe though that his Aparents repeated what they themselves were told. I'd hate to think anyone could be that cruel to a child that is suppose to have his/her best interest at heart. Your response was needed and greatly appreciated. I wish happiness and all the very best for you!

[Decision]

Dyan
I cant imagine why you would have not offended a few with your thought provoking post, Something I have learned since being here is they are just words, you cannot fully put your point across and it be yours and yours only, for others reading posts will always read it with their own stories in mind, unless of course you are having a discussion with a professional who has the ability to block his/her own lifes issues. I am not in a position to answer for adoptive parents, but I am certain that like us mothers that have lost children to adoption they do have certain insecurities, which of course is totally and completely natural to have, even for a mother who has raised her child from pregnancy on. In my life my son has two fathers, one he sees every so often and another who is with him daily. I see the struggles my own husband goes through having to "share" his child and could well imagine how difficult it would be if one day my son chose to live with his other father, my husband would be absolutely devistated and most likely at the beginning fight the fact that it was his sons decision. I am sure he would prefer to think it was the other fathers fault, that he said something to blacken him in the boys eyes.Its a very difficult thing letting go and allowing a child who you raised an nurtured without feeling as if something or someone has done you wrong, I believe that this is one of the reasons for some people who posted here to be offended. Like I said before though we all dont know your whole story, nor do we need to, even though your son may not be fully mature he still has a mind and will use it. It is our jobs as parents to stand back and wait for our children to learn on their own. As much as we want to we cannot protect our children for life, I feel that this is something that your son must go through alone, he is the judge and jury for himself, while all of you adoptive parents included, need to sit back and remember he is an adult and is capable of making choices, even if they seem bad to you or his other parents. His choices need to be respected.
Hugs
Melissa

[TIFFANI27]

I am a birthmom to an almost 9 y/o son and a mother to my 1.5 y/o son. I also went to school with 2 boys who were adopted. My uncle was adopted by my mom's large family. I have been touched by adoption in many different ways.
In regards to the 2 boys I went to school with who were adopted.... one of these boys (now 28) decided that he was to take back his birth last name. This was something he had talked about as early as his teen years. I don't believe that this choice was one to be dubbed as turning his back on his adoptive parents but a personal choice. I am sure that an adoptee's view would be very valuable at this point! It is one thing to speak in the perspective of either a birth or adoptive mom but completely different from one who had to deal emotionally with the questions starting with that one word...... "WHY". Why did my birthparents chose to place me for adoption? Why did my adoptive parents chose me? Why do I feel the way I feel? I could go on and on. I believe that there must be alot of soul searching that an adoptee goes on to do for the rest of his life. Just as a birthmom goes through the grieving process so must the adoptee. I feel that irregardless of whether an adoptee chooses to search out his birthparents or chooses to accept that there is no desire to know should be left at the discrepancy of the adoptee and the ulitimate decision should be respected. If the adoptee decides to persue a relationship and try to fill a portion of his life with his birthparents then that decision should be respected.
As a birthmom, I accepted at the time of relinquishment that there was no guarantee that my son would ever look for me. That was the hardest realization for me. I think that the adoptee who has decided no matter how extreme his decision, to chose to take his birth name and decide to reevaluate the relationships between his birthmom and adoptive parents should be respected. It may not necessarily be the "right" thing for him to do but at least he is given the freedom to choose what he may feel is most appropriate at that time.

Thank you for letting me share.