[emm]

Why is it after waiting so long for news this the darkest place I have ever been in my life? I am unable to rid myself of the misery of loss. Its much stronger than when I gave my baby away. I did, I gave her away because I could not, for whatever reason, keep her. To my mind that’s what it boils down to - I gave her away.

Why am I suffering so much now that I know she is well and happy?

[swtluvr069]

Emm,
I know exactaly how you feel. I feel i GAVE her away i look at it as giving her away and not placing her. I just gave up my daughter a liitle over a month..i just help the pain eases up with time..I will be praying for you and everyother women who has to feel like this

Catherine

[emm]

Catherine

Its much better for you to go through this pain now. Try to let it all out. Talk to anyone who will listen to you. It was not healthy for those of us who did not grieve the loss at the time of signing. We can support each other and help others at the same time.

You can send me a message or email if you would like to share your thoughts.

Thinking of you and wishing you well
emm

[Laura Palmer]

On the flip side of this, what about the adoptees who've been rejected? I too have an inner pain of "Why won't this woman even talk to me?" Sure I told her I was well & all. Poured my heart out to her & offered her a space in my heart, but only to find out nothing more than what I had already known. So Emm, don't feel bad. Your daughter will come around. Try not to let it get you down. Please put the lights on & get try to run from the "darkest place". God bless. Sue

[mgonza1]

Laura:
Your reply prompted a thought in me and I'm wondering now.. do
you think we relay our feelings adequately when we reach out to birth parents or adoptees...

I'm just wondering if they know if they don't respond that it will be perceived as rejection. We are such a politically correct society now that we almost cut ourselves off from expressing our true feelings.. Most people on this board say when reaching out.. be sure to give them an "out" (which I agree with) but do we also fall short in saying, "I would love to hear from you" or "i have this empty spot inside of me" or something like that to signify our desire to hear from them back.
I'm just wondering if we relay 'we're doing well" and "I had a wonderful life" .. if they feel like they need to respond..

Just thinking aloud.

[Laura Palmer]

Not sure. But I know she didn't pour her heart out to me (my bithmom), she didn't even acknowledge me. But to tell you the truth, I felt it all along, inside. When I was young I used to wonder, and I sort of felt that maybe she didn't want me. Maybe I was in a way, right??? But I don't let her get me down. I go on to find bigger & better things. Just my thoughts. Thanks, Sue

[jmisaacs2003]

Emm and Catherine

I'm sorry for your pain. I am an adoptee and I think both of you are very brave for wanting to give your children a better life. The hurt will always be there but in time will hopefully ease. I just started looking for my bmom a year ago. Good luck and I hope things turn around for you both. Take Care!!

[PAMPOEN]

I am new in this site and still a bit lost. I am an adoptive child and has always wondered if my birth mother ever thinks about me and if she does, what is she thinking ? Just to know that you as a birth mother still wonders makes my heart smile........ All of the best

[elliegirl35]

my daughter is now 12 and i gave her up @10 months and every year it seems to get worse but remember we made our beds and to try to interupt their lives as far as trying to get them back or get involved other wise would be unfair to the children and emotionally bad for them - i feel kids nowadays have enough to deal with much less --- birthparents --- and you did not give away anything -- you gave up your baby so she (or he ) could have a better life--- right ??? right and you'll be back together and your feelings i think are natural --i don't think there is day i don't feel like a worthless bad mom -as so many single mothers raise 2,3+4 children and i couldn't do it with 2 but it was better this way for both of my children good luck with everything and i and many other birthmother share your same tears---and remember were there is darkness there is also light !!! it might be awhile but ,it will come--

[clara]

Emm, after reading this....

Why is it after waiting so long for news this the darkest place I have ever been in my life? I am unable to rid myself of the misery of loss. Its much stronger than when I gave my baby away. I did, I gave her away because I could not, for whatever reason, keep her. To my mind that’s what it boils down to - I gave her away.

Why am I suffering so much now that I know she is well and happy?.....


Perhaps these thoughts will help you:

So much of your life has been consumed by waiting, hoping and remembering that it assumed an almost tangible emotional presence in your life. An enormous amount of mental and emotional energy has been channelled into whatever coping mechanisms you have developed over the years - that it eventually became more than a way of coping: it has become a way of living, a way of perceiving the world around you, including how you related to your own family.

Suddenly all of this changes with the arrival of a letter: in the seconds it took to open it and read her words, the entire emotional landscape of your life was altered forever. There is no going back. And now? What do you have?

You have the inescapable reality of your daughter finally back in your life: the context of that is unimportant because fundamentally what your current experience of misery of loss stems from, is her physicality in your life: you have pictures, words - perhaps even the sound of her voice and what cannot be denied in any way anymore is precisely "that moment of having given her away." What compounds this psychological and emotional confrontation is the fact that you now have to face and deal with the very thing you have denied yourself all these years - that you are her mother - in the purest natural sense. She grew inside you and you gave her life: no matter what kind of relationship you wish to have: you and her are related at the core of being.

That this is what has pushed you into the darkest place you have ever been is not because you still grieve giving her away, but you now have to allow yourself to grieve the fact that you gave up/denied yourself the experience of mother hood. This sense of misery you have is about your own loss of an aspect of yourself. It is not about her. Denying motherhood and living the idea in absentia is one thing - having it come at you because the child/adult re-emerges in your life is a fundamental process of grieving that is critical to your eventual integration capacity and your eventual full healing.


with admiration and love
your friend

[Rebeccas1stmom]

I dont know if this will help but ... I am a birth mom
I never stopped thinking of my Rebecca every day I would wonder what she was doing how she was doing and my holidays were the hardest I lite candles every christmas time and placed them in my window " to show her the way home" I met her and she is a wonderful lady now and found out all the stuff that had been told to her was lies about me and after we worked that out I found out when she was lil and was told she was adopted she wondered the same things of me
WE NEVER FORGET AND PRAY THEY FORGIVE.
D..

[dhautzen]

I am a mother who gave a child up or reasons that I can post on here. Most mothers who gave up their children did and will always love their children. My son is back in my life. We talk and see each other on a weekly bases. There are still a lot of roads to go down for the two of us. The pain of giving a child never disappears. Even after tweny years, there are times that I wished that I had raised my son. I also know that he was raised by two loving parents. We can not change the past. Just take it one day at a time. The guilt is there because we wish to be there for the child and know we can not. It is the basic instinct of being a parent. Its also that we love our child.
Take time and let people know that what you did was for the good of the child. Never let anyone make you feel like you are a bad parent. Sometimes the hardest part of being a parent is to do what is best for the child, not what is best for us.
Debbie

[deebumz]

I am so sorry you feel so low. Unselfish ladies like yourself deserve only the best but seem to have to go through the suffering before things get better.

My daughter will be doing the same thing in the next few weeks. I know it'll be the absolute hardest thing she'll ever have to do. And I'm sure I won't be able to comfort her at times anymore than I'll be able to comfort you. However, being someone who works with young people for a living I can tell you that the absolute best thing you can EVER do for a kid you love is to give him/her GREAT parents. I'm sure you would have been one (just like my sweet daughter) but either the time isn't good, or the father isn't a good situation, etc.

I'll keep you in my prayers and hope you'll feel your heavy load lift some as time goes by. Go take a walk and hold your head up high knowing you did something incredibly selfless and giving!!!

With Love and admiration for your courage,
Deanna

[bizwoman]

I am a birth mom that lost? her children 24 years ago, I've never had counseling or anyone to talk to, have been in misery, guilt and terrible heartache. When asked how many children I have, I always include them, my children at home have always known
about their brother and sister, I show them baby pictures and
explain they are much older now. But the tears still flow at night
while lying in my bed next to my sleeping husband, memories
and pain.

Now I find out that all the harrassment from my brother, his wife
and the social worker had a darker purpose, seems he was
having an affair with my social worker so he could 'keep control'
of the situation, I never signed any papers, didn't know I was
supposed to, was 18 and stupid/naive, never appeared in court
.. nothing. Now there seems to be no record of my children
in the court system...... worried sick, wondering did he sell them,
were they stuck in perpetual foster care for their entire lives
even though I was assurred they were adopted?

There my dear brother sits on death row in Florida for the past 23 years for the murder of his wife, no communication with each
other for years, so I cannot ask him and he would not tell or
admit to anything... so now MORE pain and anguish of soul.

Thanks for listening,
Brenda

[Laura Palmer]

Bizwoman---I am so sorry for the pain you have for your children. When I posted on this thread last year---I was angry at my birthmom, because I thought I was being rejected by her. I just could not understand it. But now I know the story---she had a stroke shortly after I found her brother over in England. She was hospitalized & could not talk to me. (she was unsure & nervous when I first found her). I was her only child & she was only 25 minutes away from me in NJ the whole time!!! I never did get the chance to meet her. But she has some friends that tell me stories & give me some of her belongings. I looked just like her & liked the same things as her!!! We even wore our makeup the same way. I miss her & am in pain myself. I did go on to find my birthfather's side of the family. My birthfather was a junkie & died 20 years ago. But I found my uncle & aunt & things seem to be going Ok. I hope someday you find some peace. I don't have any clue of what a birthmom feels like, but reading your post, I am beginning to understand. Take care.