[last2knowzero]

Do I believe the agency month after month, when they tell me the adoptive mom is thinking it over? Some 30 years after the death of my child? If anyone can think of a reason why they would tell me my little girl died, but not the date or the place of burial, please enlighten me. It is incomprehensible to me to even say the words - but I need to find my daughter's grave!
Illinois is still a closed records state. The agency is quick to hand out respect to the amom, and that's certainly fine - but where is respect for the birthmom? Shouldn't it work both ways?
My sympathies to any mom , A or B , who loses a child - but why would you with-hold the grave, from a grieving birth parent? Why with-hold medical information that could perhaps one day save my living children and grandchildren? Where do you go from here? How?

[bromanchik]

Do you know your daughter's name?

Death records are not sealed, so you can do a search.

Also you can call the cemetaries in the area if you know her name and where she was living at the time.

It is certainly heartbreaking to lose a daughter. I hope you find her gravesite.

[JustPeachy]

It is unfathomable to me why you cannot be given this information. Not to mention cruel. It is bad enough when our children are surrendered, we go through a loss that is rarely acknowledged or supported. Especially those who lived through the closed era, with no counseling to speak of, but even today, it's not a grief that is publicly recognized. But then even in death, we are not allowed some basic human dignity? last2know, my heart goes out to you. I am sorry for the loss of your daughter. I hope you can find your daughter's grave and also find some peace. 30 years is a long time to wait. Please keep us posted.

[Janeytwo]

Dear Last2Know - I just wanted to stop by and give you my sincere condolences on the loss of your daughter.

I pray that you can find the information you are looking for.

[Dickons]

last2knowzero,

I am sorry for your loss but must ask the question - if they will not provide any specifics to verify - do you trust that they are telling you the truth?

Kind regards,
Dickons

[JustPeachy]

if they will not provide any specifics to verify - do you trust that they are telling you the truth?

Dickens, you beat me to the punch. After posting the other day, I was wondering if perhaps they could be lying. It wouldn't be the first time such a thing has happened. I can't remember who it was, but there was a poster here before who was told her daughter had died and it was, in fact, a lie.

[RavenSong]

I'm with the other posters on this one. I wonder if your daughter is actually dead... I've heard of this happening more times than once. The aparents could easily have lied to the agency to avoid any search and/or reunion. It's not unheard of...

If your little girl did die 30 years ago, then they are being extremely cruel to you by not letting you know where she is buried. I know how important it would be to me if I were in your shoes to be able to place my hand on the headstone of my baby's grave.

You are living the nightmare of every mother who has relinquished a child. I am so very deeply sorry...

[MamaS]

I never thought of the death being a lie, but I did wonder if perhaps there were "suspicious circumstances". I did read about a birth mother who went in search of her child and found that he had died at age 6 at the hands of the adoptive mother. The birth mother's inquiries led to the adoptive mother being tried for manslaughter.

[RavenSong]

Originally Posted by MamaS

I never thought of the death being a lie, but I did wonder if perhaps there were "suspicious circumstances". I did read about a birth mother who went in search of her child and found that he had died at age 6 at the hands of the adoptive mother. The birth mother's inquiries led to the adoptive mother being tried for manslaughter.

I'm pretty sure you're talking about Jerry Sherwood's search for her little boy Dennis. That is a horrible, horrible case that still gets me tied up in knots. The adoptive mother (Lois Jurgens) was finally brought to trial in Minnesota in 1987, convicted, and sent to prison. (Dennis was murdered in 1965, when he was three and a half years old.) I believe Lois died a couple years ago.

I still keep Jerry and her family in my prayers all these years later...

[Janeytwo]

Raven - The fact that that woman murdered a child in 1965and was free until 1987 is a crime in and of itself.

[RavenSong]

Janey, Lois Jurgens would NEVER have been brought to justice if Jerry Sherwood hadn't searched for him 23 years after surrendering him to adoption. Jerry's story was very much like mine in that she was a ward of the court and in reform school for running away from home. When Dennis was born, she relinquished him in order to keep him out of foster care.

It was Lois's strange reactions to Jerry all those years later that caught Jerry's attention. She just knew something was wrong, and I think her "inner delinquent" came out, lol. She talked to many, many people and caused so much trouble that eventually the cops let her see Dennis's file. When she saw the postmortem photos of Dennis, which clearly showed that this poor child had been tortured before death, she lost it and demanded justice...the case was reopened.

At the time that Lois killed Dennis, her brother was the chief of police, and there was a huge coverup. Everyone in her extended family knew that she had been abusing Dennis -- they personally witnessed it...and testified against her in the 1987 trial. The Jurgens also had an older child whom they had adopted. He became a police officer in adulthood, and he testified against his adoptive mother during the trial...