[mmad4ever]

I am a 37 year old grandmother who lost her 4 grandchildren to the state and were adopted out to a family that requested a closed adoption. It has been almost a year since I seen them, and it just breaks my heart into pieces. I need help in coping with this, because even though I might not show it on the outside, I am dieing on the inside.

[MassachusettsMom]

Have you thought about therapy? Talking through your loss might be helpful. I lost a child who I thought we were going to be able to adopt, and one of the things I found helpful was writing letters to him in a journal. Maybe someday he will get to read them.

And remember, things change. Just because the parents want a closed adoption now, doesn't mean they won't want contact later, once the children are older. Perhaps you could send a letter to the DSS office with your contact information and letting them know you would welcome contact if the parents ever feel it is appropriate.

Good luck and healing.

[mmad4ever]

Thanks Massachusetts Mom for your kind words. Yes I have thought about therapy but always seem to back out of going, even though I know I could use someone professional to talk to because it is not good to keep these things bottled up inside. I know the people by name who have my grandchildren and know what city and state they live in but they made it clear they wanted a closed adoption. I have wanted to go see them so many times but I thought if I did, I would end up getting myself into trouble with the adoptive parents, and most importantly, I would not wanna upset my grandchildren ( i still call them my grandchildren and always will ). I am sorry your adoption fell thru. I don't know if contacting the agency and giving them my contact information will help. The state did my family so wrong when it came to those beautiful kids, they don't wanna hear anything I have to say.

[SuddenlySusan]

mmad4ever,

I feel your pain, and I have seen that pain in my own mother's eyes. In 1971, against my mother's wishes and despite her pleading with me, I surrendered my son for adoption. I really thought I was doing the right thing, but I was only 18 and knew nothing of life, other than I didn't want my son to suffer judgment from others because I wasn't married.

My mother just about had a break down in the hospital, begging me not to let him be adopted, but to no avail. From that day until the day she died in 1994, she never forgot my son. Every year on his birthday, she would say, "Do you know what today is?" Of course I did, but I was in so much pain that I couldn't even talk about it...even all those years later. But, my mother never ever forgot her firstborn grandson.

Two years ago, my son and I found each other through this site...and although we have had a good reunion, there is a piece of my heart that will never heal...it is the piece of my heart that belongs to my mother, and it was only upon reunion that I truly understood her pain. My son will never know the wonderful woman who would have been the best grandmother ever.

My heart goes out to you...I have grandchildren now and I cannot begin to imagine the grief that would possess me if I lost any one of them.

I can't imagine why, in this day and age, that closed adoptions are even allowed. It may be what the aparents wanted, but did anyone ask the children what THEY wanted? My guess is that the children did not want to lose their ENTIRE family...even if their natural mother was unable to care for them, why should the children be punished by severing contact with their natural family? Why should grandparents be punished because of a situation between the grandchildren and their parents (your children)?

It's not fair...it's not healthy...and I am so very, very sorry for your pain and loss...I am truly sorry...

Peace,
Susan

[mmad4ever]

suddenlysusan

Thanks for your kind words as well. My heart goes out to you as well for you losing your mother and for your son not being able to meet her as his grandmother. My grandchildren were taken away from my daughter by the state, and like I said previously, she did the best she could but she lost and they won. I think to myself everyday I hope I live long enough to see them again when they turn legal age, and I can go look for them. I am like you, I do not understand why closed adoptions are allowed either. I love my grandchildren with every breath in my body, and my heart breaks everyday they are not with me. I just wish the aparent would let me see them, but I think the sate has told them a bunch of crap that is not true, so in the aparents mind, we are bad people and should not have any contact at all with them. I sent a birthday card to my granddaughter on her 3rd birthday, and the aparent sent it back to me, and now they have moved and Im not sure where they are. Anyways, I am happy that you and your son found each other and I wish you the best of luck with him.

By the way, the initials MMAD stand for Madison, Mackenzie, Alexis and Dylan, my 4 grandchildren, and the 4ever is how long they will be in my heart, mind and soul.

Take care

[josh1788smom]

MMAD - I have no advice for you, but I wanted to send you my support. Your story made me so sad. Sometimes, it seems this whole system in antiquated and needs a reality check. My heart goes out to you.

[mmad4ever]

josh1788smom

Thank you for your support, it means alot to me. I have been struggling with this everyday since the last time I seen my 4 grandchildren on April 18, 2008. The welfare system really knows how to take children away for no good reason and then never wants to give them back. I see their smiles and hear their laughter everytime I go to sleep at night. I just can't for the life of me figure out how I am going to survive all these years without them being in my life. It just breaks my heart to think that when the day comes that I meet them again, they will not wanna have anything to do with me, and if that happens, I will just have to understand where they are coming from, but all I can do is explain what happened and let them know I tried everything to get them back.

Again, thanks everyone for all your kind words.