[scrapandtell]

If you have already adopted, I want to ask you a few questions. Has your daughter asked you to tell her about her birthplace? Has your son asked if he looks like the woman that gave birth to him? Has your child questioned the reason for the adoption or the events that led up to it?

These are all questions for which a lifebook can provide answers. If you can anticipate the questions your child might have, you can prepare appropriate feedback. Since one question often spurs another, why not create a story that attempts to answer many of those questions at once? Not only will your child appreciate the fact that you gathered this information, but it will be a conduit for more intimate and meaningful conversations with you, about adoption or any topic! Once a child reads (or is read) her own story, the "unknown" and ethereal becomes easier to identify and process. The concreteness of a story in print (and pictures if they're available) helps solidify the ideas in a child's mind about her life before joining your family and the transition from birth family to adoptive family.

In addition to providing some tangibility to a child's history, lifebooks help adoptive parents provide consistent answers to the questions that are asked over and over. (You know how many times kids tend to ask the same question!) Children thrive on consistency. Consider this scenario: If your child asked last week "Why was my birthmother unable to take care of me?" and you answered "because she did not have enough money to buy food for you" and then she asked again this week and you responded "because she had grownup problems and none of them had to do with you", although both of your answers may be truthful, they are fragmented. If you created a lifebook, you would have the opportunity to collect your various thoughts and put them all together in a way that most completely tells the truth as you know it. Each time you read the book to your child, or she reads it herself, the same words and the same message will cement in her mind the truth. If you are as thorough as you can be (remembering to be age-appropriate of course) there will be fewer unanswered questions.

I think you should consider making the creation of a lifebook one of your New Years resolutions! I am here to help, if you would like it.

[dadfor2]

hi jennifer

i agree, i finished my kids lifebooks in december. it took so long, but i finished them...morepages then i anticipated.

one thing i will add, there are alot of books out there on making life books, i read alot.

if anyone is intersted in doing a lifebook, i strongly suggest get the book, which also helps with language also, was 'beth omalleys' forgot what it was called, I think "treasure of life books"

this was my lifesaver, it helped me out so much. There were so many ways to phrase on how you wanted to say something where a child will understand but at the same time being honest, but not being to discriptive due to childrens ages.


dadfor2

[scrapandtell]

It is called Lifebooks: Creating a Treasure for the Adopted Child

I agree with you that the book is very helpful!

[rebeccasusan]

I wish I was better about working on our sons lifebook...I have gathered so much stuff to put in it, but can never seem to just do it! Becasue of the bizziness of everyday life, I guess. How do others organzize themselves? Do you have one day a month where you add new things, or what? Have you made yours just like the story of his birthfamily, birth, and joining your family, or is it ongoing, like a baby/grwing up book? I started mine with the birth/ etc, but planned to add milestones and info, souveniers, etc, from throughout babyhood, etc.

[HappyMomAnna]

I feel pretty lucky--In Oregon the children have the books made for them! At least the ones who are adopted from the state. Our kids books are beautiful--filled with pictures and complete with any and all (almost too much) Info.....including the newspaper the day they were born! There is nothing I would add--just a few pages I will wait to put bak in when they are grown! Both covered with beautiful fabric--and splendid lay out....the story is told in a wonderful way and I thank God I didn't have to make them myself.
Good luck to everyone with theirs!

[scrapandtell]

rebeccasusan: The way I did mine was a little at a time, even when it came to the story. I mean, I had all of the basics of the story in my head so I just decided to start typing the text (my first draft of it anyway) into the computer. As I sought more feedback from others and read more on the concept of lifebooks, I went back to revise my text.

Then, after I had chosen the words, I thought of what embellishments could be used to make it aesthetic for my daughter, for whom the book was ultimately created. It has to be more than words (at this age anyway) to hold her attention.

After having the story solidified and picking out the materials, I did the layouts on the computer (rough ones anyway) and then finally put together the actual lifebook page. (I did most of hers scrapbook-style but there are several pages where it looks more like a storybook than a scrapbook.)

For my kids, I am starting with their birth and stopping at the homecoming...actually I will have one more page, for the official "readoption" in my home state. I have separate scrapbooks for everything past that. It's really a matter of preference though...I just thought the book would be too big if I didn't cut it off.

One thing that might help you is to gather once per month with a group of adoptive parents that are also working on lifebooks. I do this, and it helps not only with motivation but also you can bounce your ideas off of others if there are difficult topics to address.

One other suggestion might be to set a goal...like, I will have this lifebook done by September 1, 2004 or by the recipient's birthday, etc.

Good luck! If there is anything more I can do, let me know.

[mckenna]

when you journal in your child's scrap book, what tense do you use?

example:
you and your sister enjoyed baking cookies for the first time

or

Tommy and Lilly really enjoyed baking cookies for the first time

[scrapandtell]

Anna,

You adopted domestically from the state of Oregon? Would you mind sharing with me some of the details of the book that was created for you? Was this something that your state mandates or was it a very nice gesture on behalf of the social worker? (Or rather, the individual that created the lifebook, maybe not the social worker?)

I would love to see all adopted kids have something like that, even if it is not as fancy. I'm so much an advocate that I'd like to suggest it to my state. That's why I'm curious to get as much specific info as I can about the standard procedures in Oregon.

If you'd rather reply to me offlist or in a private message, that is ok. I do hope you consider replying!

Looking forward to hearing from you...

[scrapandtell]

It's my preference (and also the way I've most often seen it in others books) to say "you and your sister..."

[dadfor2]

i am telling you, the beth omalley's life book made my life so easy.

my book is about my son, so i did use, "ou and your brother."

I started with place of birth and then went into their history with birth mom and birth father and when they met and how old they were and their education....i put down as much as i knew. I also put a copy of their birth certificate in there.

yes, they were born like everyone else.

my children were both abused, so i had to be real carful on the language. I did have pictures of birth mom and birth dad, so i made copies. Plus i had pictures of some of the foster parents, so i put them in.

the life book reads like a book with pictures and everything. I downloaded drawn houses to represent all the foster homes. I didnt put a picture of a real house (that wasnt theirs) in to the book to describe a foster home.

If you dont have any pictures, you can draw it. dont put a fake house in their or fake baby picture to represent something.

ONce you start, you probably will just keep going. Once i started mine, i was driven. My boss didnt like it too much, but like the above mentioned, i had a time limit on when my childs life book was going to be done.

I used rainbow paper, plus i decorated each page with stickers. I did use the computer using the 'kids font'. On my youngest, i got nemo telling the story....i had alot of stickers of nemo.

i didnt put too many words on each page, i made it like a kids book to keep their attention.

BUt i did put all the abuse down and what happened, the idea is for the child to know everything about their life, but make sure its in child language and explained in a way that the child will know it wasnt their fault why they were removed. Alot of kids may still have questions.

my oldest child remembers things, so to soften on why he was removed, well, that wouldnt be good.

again, i really suggest you get the beth omalley on making a life book. the title was mentioned above. talk about a lifesaver. It took me about 3 months to do, and i was working on it almost everyday. If i didnt have that book, it would of taken me at least a few years.

there is no one way to do it. you just have to be honest, remember a life book is about your childs life and how that child ended up with you. Dont ignore things that might make you uncomfortable, its not for you, its for your child.

I am a true believer in no secrets as long as its not hurting anyone.

I actually decided not to give my older childs life book right now, because he is going through some stuff, but when its time, i will probably do it with him and the therapist.

actually, my adoption social worker said it was one of the nicest life books she has seen....i think so too, if i do say so myself.....lol

the fun part is at the end, let the pictures go wild, because thats the day they met and then moved in with you.

good luck, but i think every adoptive child should have one. IT is after all, about the children


dadfor2

[Fluteglo]

As an adoptee from foster care I can tell you what my social worker did with me and my brother. We went in once a week to work on our lifebooks. It has been 17 years and I still look at it. Actually, I have recently reunited with my paternal aunts and uncles. I took the lifebook with me since many of them had not seen me since I was a toddler. One aunt was particularly upset with the amount of information that my social worker wrote about my case. She gave some pretty specific details of the abuse that took place and my aunt is the type of person who wants to forget anything bad. (So much that she never told her children about me until 2 months ago.) There were pictures that I didn't have a real memory of and my uncles were able to tell me about them. I think making a lifebook for your child is a wonderful thing to do. In my case, I was able to write a caption under each picture. It was a wonderful project for a 10 year old.

Gloria

[scrapandtell]

Gloria,

I love the quote in your signature!

I have one question for you, but first let me say that like your social worker, I believe in not hiding the details. The question: Since you were old enough, putting the abuse in there was not an attempt to cover anything up...but probably rather just documentation.... If you had been a baby or infant in foster care, unlikely to remember abuse, would you be an advocate for putting information of abuse in the lifebook?

Thanks for your insight.

[Fluteglo]

Honestly, I think I would. Only so that there would never be a question as to why they couldn't stay with their birth family. I have always been pretty open about discussing what happened to me because it made me into the strong, stable woman that I am today. Obviously, I have no interest in seeing my bparents because of what they did. I think that maybe with a toddler I would only write briefly about the abuse and then, when they are mature enough to handle an explanation, tell them as much as they want to know. My uncle sort of did that with his daughter. She knew about me before the adoption but he wouldn't tell her why I was taken away until she was 15. Ultimately, the decision is yours, as you already know. Just do whatever your are comfortable with.

On a sad note, my brother lost his lifebook when he neglected to pay his storage bill. I am the only one with pictures of us. The pictures are what I treasure most.

Gloria

[Fluteglo]

Oh, about my quote. I heard it on an episode of Judging Amy and loved it. I think I may have wound up paraphrasing but it's still a great quote.

[dadfor2]

hi,

just remember, a life book is about the childs life from birth to you.

If you are uncomfortable with certain aspects of your childs life and you dont want to put abuse or anything in their life book, then that is not called a life book. That would be called, 'things i only want my child to know about their life book'

for me, with regards to sexually abuse, you might use terms like "problem touching" and explain what problem touching is in the life book.

with in regards to abuse, as for us their birth mom was mentally ill. so i discussed "special medicine to make her feel better that she didnt take....etc."

i talked about how a social worker came over and realized that thier birth mom couldnt keep them safe and then she took them to their foster home.....

I explained how adults jobs is to keep kids safe..etc

I tried to be exact as possible, i feel an adopted child needs to know about their birth family and their history.

i cant imagine what it would feel like if i had no idea about the first 5 or 10 yrs for that matter, pending on how many placements, how i would feel.

you might feel like your child is too young to handle it, which is fine, and you dont have to show them it if your uncomfortalble with it.

but i would suggest to do it as soon as possible, because the years go fast, and our memory does fade.

but dont leave important facts about their lives out of their 'life book'! our kids have a right to know who they are and where they came from.

people might disagree, but i feel pretty strong about this as you can see. People need to know about their pasts, the good and the bad.

everything should be age appropriate of course.

dadfor2