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  #1  
Old 09-19-2012, 06:58 PM
am2012 am2012 is offline
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Ideas

Looking to adopt - how did you match with your families? We are working w' an attorney but I'm not convinced it's the right way to do this. Are agencies better? Are you, as birthmothers more confident in agencies? Does the term "attorney" scare you? Please offer any feedback if you are willing!

Thank you so much - feedback is greatly appreciated!!

Ann
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  #2  
Old 09-23-2012, 12:50 PM
superirish superirish is offline
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When I was considering adoption a few months ago, I first looked at agencies- they are all over the web and they have ads in papers and they offer to pay for things like food and housing, which was attractive at first because I was broke and pregnant. But they are very business oriented, they don't explain other options, and can be pushy. I talked to other birthmothers who were hurt by agencies and lied to, and decided I could not go through that. I chose to terminate my pregnancy because of that. I would have preferred meeting a family I knew somehow or through someone I knew and have gotten a guarantee of an open adoption- but I don't know if that is legally possible.
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  #3  
Old 09-24-2012, 10:27 AM
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AlabamaMommy AlabamaMommy is offline
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We met our son's bmom through a mutual friend. It is legal (in our state) and we simply hired an attny to handle it for us. Worked out great for all involved.
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  #4  
Old 01-09-2013, 10:27 PM
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MirandaF MirandaF is offline
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Word of mouth would probably be all you need! There are so many families wanting to adopt...almost everyone knows someone...or knows someone who knows someone! I've read that's the best way for an adoptive family to find a birth mother so were giving it a shot! I'm sure it works both ways. Thats an option, Unles you don't want people to know and that's understandable too. But I would at least ask your friends/family if they know anyone. Good luck, putting your baby up for adoption is a very noble selfless thing and you will make someone's life complete!!
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  #5  
Old 01-10-2013, 03:27 PM
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belleinblue1978 belleinblue1978 is offline
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Miranda,

I see you are new to the board. I also see that you are hoping to adopt.

Have you been to any classes yet? I'm just curious. Many of us that have placed children would tell you that there is nothing noble or selfless about it.

Also a woman who finds herself in a crisis pregnancy is not obligated to make someone else's life complete by creating a huge hole and emptiness in her own.

Please do some reading here about our stories and read over at the adoptee forum. Adoption isn't always a win-win-win situation, there is pain.
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  #6  
Old 01-11-2013, 12:27 PM
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MirandaF MirandaF is offline
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No I have no been to any classes we live in a very small town surrounded by more small towns...there is NOTHNG like that available around here!

I know the pain that a birth mother must feel everyday! I lost a baby myself and the ability to every have more children. I know how painful it must be for a birth mother. That is one reason why I question adopting....I think I would feel horrible everyday knowing how much pain their birth mother would be going through. I know it's not a "win-win" situation but i think its pretty close! if there was no way the mother could care for their child and they didn't want to abort, and there is a family waiting and praying for a baby I think it's a blessing for both sides.

And I know no one is obligated to make someone else's life complete!! I know many people abort and decide to keep their baby! That's why I called it selfless...which it is. These women take into consideration their babies needs not just their own...or many times they would keep baby.


Quote:
Originally Posted by belleinblue1978
Miranda,

I see you are new to the board. I also see that you are hoping to adopt.

Have you been to any classes yet? I'm just curious. Many of us that have placed children would tell you that there is nothing noble or selfless about it.

Also a woman who finds herself in a crisis pregnancy is not obligated to make someone else's life complete by creating a huge hole and emptiness in her own.

Please do some reading here about our stories and read over at the adoptee forum. Adoption isn't always a win-win-win situation, there is pain.
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  #7  
Old 01-11-2013, 09:49 PM
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belleinblue1978 belleinblue1978 is offline
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I am a first mother. I'm not selfless. I was a woman in a difficult situation who did the best she could.
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First mom to the amazing Kiddo and adopted adult


5/30/2012 Kiddo turns 8. Hard to believe he is so grown up! I talked to him on the phone for the first time on his birthday.
2/1/2013 Take over as Executive Director of the shelter in my community. It is so nice to work in town again.
5/28/2013 I go to a ball game for Kiddo and we celebrate his birthday. Almost 9!
2/8/2014 POLAR PLUNGE! Kiddo and my folks are there. It was -2F outside and 45F in the water.
3/26/2014 Bowl my first 500 series in mixed league.
5/30/2014 Kiddo turns 10! Going to a baseball game in a few weeks.


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  #8  
Old 01-11-2013, 10:49 PM
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RavenSong RavenSong is offline
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I would always advise an expectant mother who is considering adoption to go to an agency, not a lawyer. Most agencies provide some form of counseling...which is extremely IMPORTANT. Lawyers usually treat expectant mothers like another business transaction, and I've met so many women throughout the years who were just left hanging out in the wind once they signed the relinquishment papers.

I have been around the adoption community for many, many years now...and I can tell you that adoption is not a win-win situation for MANY of us who were unable to raise our children for whatever reason. It's not all glitter and rainbows, not for the birth/first moms and not for the adoptees. There are some very real and serious issues to take into consideration. It's also critical that potential adoptive parents prepare and educate themselves. Don't just assume that the Lifetime Movie of the Week is based on reality...because I can assure you it is not.

ETA: The only circumstance that I think going through a lawyer is appropriate is in cases of kinship adoption or when the expectant mother knows the potential adoptive parents in real life. In those cases, I think it's fine, especially if there is some sort of provision included in the paperwork that allows some postadoption counseling for the birth/first mother.
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Last edited by RavenSong : 01-11-2013 at 11:00 PM.
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  #9  
Old 01-12-2013, 08:07 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MirandaF
No I have no been to any classes we live in a very small town surrounded by more small towns...there is NOTHNG like that available around here!

I know the pain that a birth mother must feel everyday! I lost a baby myself and the ability to every have more children. I know how painful it must be for a birth mother. That is one reason why I question adopting....I think I would feel horrible everyday knowing how much pain their birth mother would be going through. I know it's not a "win-win" situation but i think its pretty close! if there was no way the mother could care for their child and they didn't want to abort, and there is a family waiting and praying for a baby I think it's a blessing for both sides.

And I know no one is obligated to make someone else's life complete!! I know many people abort and decide to keep their baby! That's why I called it selfless...which it is. These women take into consideration their babies needs not just their own...or many times they would keep baby.

If you haven't yet, I think you should look into the foster care system. Because you already have children, you are an experienced parent(not that it is a necessity). In foster care, children become availble for adoption because thier bioparents can't parent them anymore. We have adopted two children through foster care. As for the classes, you can ask on the adoption/foster care boards about agency recommendations and let people know the area you live in. I live in rural Texas in a town of 8000 and there are agencies close enough by for us to become licensed.
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  #10  
Old 01-22-2013, 11:12 PM
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stevenmh72 stevenmh72 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RavenSong
I would always advise an expectant mother who is considering adoption to go to an agency, not a lawyer. Most agencies provide some form of counseling...which is extremely IMPORTANT. Lawyers usually treat expectant mothers like another business transaction, and I've met so many women throughout the years who were just left hanging out in the wind once they signed the relinquishment papers.

ETA: The only circumstance that I think going through a lawyer is appropriate is in cases of kinship adoption or when the expectant mother knows the potential adoptive parents in real life. In those cases, I think it's fine, especially if there is some sort of provision included in the paperwork that allows some postadoption counseling for the birth/first mother.

Partially agree, partially disagree.

I would agree that a birthmother shouldn't go straight to a lawyer. An adoption plan should be just one of many options carefully considered, and these options should be presented by a counselor, not a lawyer. Although the counselor doesn't necessarily need to be a fee-based adoption agency. There are pregnancy crisis centers and faith-based agencies which will provide a birthmother with free counseling.

Once a birthmother has received counseling, and has decided adoption is the right path for her, there's no reason to eliminate private/independent adoption as a potential source for a match. The very first question should be whether the adoptive parents have an approved home study. If so, they have gone through the same process to meet their state's requirements for adoption as anyone else. Have they had the same training in dealing with adoption-specific challenges? Maybe, maybe not. All it takes is asking the question to find out.

I'd agree that many lawyers will treat it like a business transaction. That doesn't mean all will. And I know beyond doubt that many agencies are also treating it as a business transaction. My wife's brother was adopted, and things were amazingly different 40 years ago. My in-laws can't believe what we had to go through and what we spent to adopt our son in 2011. We continue to receive solicitations from various contacts, and it's frustrating that the first piece of information presented is the agency fee and birthmother expenses. What about the birthmother's preferences for an adoptive family? Her interests? Her hopes and dreams for her child? It truly gives the impression that it's more about money than about matching. What would it look like if I redid our profile book and stripped all mention of our lives and talked only about our salaries and assets?

We've decided to pursue a private / independent adoption for our next child. We have an approved home study in place. We've retained a lawyer who has a passion for adoption and has adopted both her children from foster care. Our meeting with her was exciting and energetic, and a pleasant break from talking about money with agencies. We've attended training in various aspects of adoption and are approved for newborn up through an older child in foster care, which we intend to pursue if our home study expires without an infant placement. We consider our son's birthmother to be part of our family, and if our agency disbanded tomorrow, we would continue our update books directly to the birthmother (we know her last name even though we shouldn't ... hospital staff weren't very careful). We keep in touch because we want to, not because we're contractually obligated to, and we go above and beyond the number of contacts required, and send presents and cards to her whole family on special occasions. We know a couple at church who adopted one of their children through private and completely open adoption, with a total stranger, and they have become very close. In fact, the adoptive mother was in the birthmother's wedding.

So, I would disagree that private adoption through a lawyer is only suitable for people who are related or know each other. I would challenge anyone who says our family is a less desirable match because we aren't using an agency. I would disagree with a blanket statement that a lawyer is going to be less caring and helpful than an "adoption professional." Yes, care must be taken to verify the credentials in a private arrangement. Yes, I'm sure there are horror stories. In most cases the birthmother doesn't even know what she doesn't know and won't be prepared to stand up for her own best interests. That's why I believe a counselor is critical for an adoption plan. But counselor doesn't necessarily mean agency, which will do everything they can to shield the birthmother from adoptive families that aren't contracted with that agency or with an agency with which they network. The current adoption landscape is very strongly biased towards agency adoption and there are a lot of obstacles to those wanting to network on their own. I think that's a shame and that birthmothers should be made aware of ALL resources available to them for finding the best possible family for their child. There's absolutely nothing wrong with a birthmother using an agency, but there's also nothing wrong with a birthmother pursuing a match outside an agency. In fact, if a birthmother's desired adoption plan includes an open arrangement with visitation, I would argue that finding a local match would provide a very convenient possibility for achieving that.
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  #11  
Old 02-17-2013, 09:13 PM
justin1 justin1 is offline
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Consulting an attorney for the purpose is better in the sense that it avoids any future mess up in case the child's biological parents take a stand in future.
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