[jamas]

Hi everyone. This is the first time I have ever joined a forum of any kind. I guess when you have such a huge decisions facing you and an unborn baby's future in your hands, reaching out to people that have been through (hopefully) similar situations is the only advice I'm confident on relying on.

Here's my story...I'm 28, three months pregnant, and terrified. I have a boyfriend of 1 1/2 years that is a drug addict; addicted to oxycodone and xanax. He hid it very well for the first six months we were dating and once I found out, I had already fell in love with him...drug problem or not. He is currently in a 28 day program for himself, me, and the baby (although I think its more for me because I'm not sure he's ready to stop what he's been doing). He says he wants to keep the baby but I'm not sure if its because he wants to keep me around or genuinely feels he can handle it and, most importantly, be a good father. I'm terrified that if I decide to keep the baby and raise it with the father, he'll continue using or relapse, putting the baby's and my life in danger.

I have no financial backing. No health insurance. No license due to a DWI years ago that I could never seem to financially recover from. Nothing to really give to this child except all the love I have in my heart. It seems I owe everyone something...luckily (or unluckily) my cell phone was turned off, so bill collectors don't know how to reach me. I'm staying with my parents while he's away. Once he returns, the plan is to move in with his parents (who are Muslim and want me to get an abortion...the father threatening to have nothing to do with his son, me, or the baby...can anyone suggest another forum for this prediciment?) where we can get jobs, save, and hopefully be ready for this child with less than five months to prepare.

My parents suggested adoption because my boyfriend has shown to be very unstable (I've decided to cut this down from a novel to a short story otherwise I'd go into the anguish and personal toll his addiction has caused his family and I...yet another forum perhaps). They suggested adoption also because it could provide me with the financial stability to restore my license, finish school, and pay off bills that have been outstanding forever. Everything I've been reading over the internet about NJ adoption is all medical expenses will be compensated and I could apply for a scholarship that may grant me enough tuition to cover the rest of my schooling (which is about two years...degree in biology), however, this is not guaranteed. I absolutely HATE to even ask about the monetary gain from giving a baby up for adoption but if my life has been off course, my liquid assets non-existant, and my confidence in myself diminished so severly, am I capable of providing this baby with the life it deserves considering I may end up doing it as a single mother?

I apologize for the lengthy post and I do understand there is still time to make this decision...but I would love nothing more then to either begin telling people I'm pregnant and be excited about it or start mentally preparing for adoption. Any advice will sure help. Thank you so much for your time.

[usisarah]

Welcome to the forums, although I'm sorry you're here for such a hard decision.

I haven't been in your shoes, but others here have and I'm sure they'll reach out to you. The weekends tend to be slow sometimes.

As far as medical care goes, you should be able to apply for medicaid since you are pregnant, although I'm not positive how it works in NJ. You may be able to find out at a WIC office in your county.

I would encourage you to research all of your options. Find out if there are resources available to you if you parent. I'm not sure what kind of living expenses you are allowed to receive per NJ law. But keep in mind that even if you receive some living expenses, once the baby is born that stops. So adoption is not a solution for your financial problems.

Find out who can help you if you do decide to keep the baby. Your boyfriend's family does not sound like a logical choice for help. Why are you going to move in with them? Why can't you stay with your parents longer?

Only you and your boyfriend can make this decision (even if you decide you want to do adoption, he has to sign off on it as well). It will be the most important decision you have ever made. Make sure to find out as much as you can about each option (which you obviously are doing) and what the consequences are of each option. Find out how the laws in your state work to make sure you are treated fairly and that you know your rights.

Good luck. I'm sorry you are so stressed out about this

[RavenSong]

Originally Posted by jamas

They suggested adoption also because it could provide me with the financial stability to restore my license, finish school, and pay off bills that have been outstanding forever. Everything I've been reading over the internet about NJ adoption is all medical expenses will be compensated and I could apply for a scholarship that may grant me enough tuition to cover the rest of my schooling (which is about two years...degree in biology), however, this is not guaranteed. I absolutely HATE to even ask about the monetary gain from giving a baby up for adoption but if my life has been off course, my liquid assets non-existant, and my confidence in myself diminished so severly, am I capable of providing this baby with the life it deserves considering I may end up doing it as a single mother?

This part of your post is really disturbiing to me. Placing a baby for adoption in order to qualify for "birthmother expenses" that might help you gain financial stability is just plain wrong, IMHO. Monetary gain in the way you seem to be envisioning it is called baby selling...and it's wrong, even if you somehow can maneuver around your state's laws on these types of expenses. That's all I have to say on the subject...

[Jillie_sweetheart]

It sounds like you are in a very tough place. Adoption is an option. You have to think long and hard about it and if it is just for birthmother expenses I strongly recommend that you talk to an adoption adviser because you really have to be sure going into this that adoption is the choice you are going to make. It's not fair to accept their money and get a couples hopes up if your not sure that adoption is the best choice.

Are you using as well? I only ask because you mentioned a DWI. I know stuff happens but if you are using it is really important that your couple is aware of this because they need to know what to expect when the baby is born and with Oxycotin the baby will need to go through detox. There are plenty of couples out there that would love to adopt your baby if you are using but they need to be aware of it.

I know my agency provides housing. They do living expenses as well but they prefer you o live in their housing as they can help you with getting state insurance and take you to your doctors appointments as well as grocery shopping and helping you stay healthy during your pregnancy. They do offer readjustment costs however it's not much and it's either staying in their housing for up to a month or the cost of your living expenses for one month. It's not to get rich but simply to help you get back on your feet after the baby is born. I encourage you to talk to a counselor about all of this as it is a huge life choice and it's something I struggle with daily. Also make sure that if you do talk to a counselor that it is someone independent as agencies are there as a business and are going to really push for you to place.

If you would like to private message me I am more than happy to talk to you about my adoption experience and what you can expect from the process.

In terms of your DWI and things about paying for that I suggest you contact modestneeds.org They will help you pay off one bill one time to try and help you out. Although I don't know if they will help with a DWI.

My agency provided me an apartment to live in with another birthmom, they provided me a grocery budget of 100 a week for which the adoption worker takes you to the grocery store and you pick out what you want to eat. The worker takes you to all of your doctors appointments and work with a doctor that specializes in adoption so that it is as painless as possible for you in more ways then one, as well as an allowence of $25 a week for things that you want that aren't part of your grocery budget. It's not a lot but it is comfortable safe and easy. They can also work on getting you a prepaid phone for the duration of your pregnancy. Once again though you have to be sure this is what you want and that it's not an easy choice and if you aren't sure you will have a lot of regret and pain from wondering what if.

I wish you luck with your pregnancy and hope you find what you are looking for.

If you do decide to parent you need to think about things like where will you live with the baby. Will you be able to do this alone as for the moment it doesn't sound like your boyfriend is very stable. Will your parents be supportive if you decide to parent. Will you have other support if they aren't there. Will you have a safe environment for when you come home from they hospital. Things like that.

[firstmom47]

I know things are different today, but then there were a lot more newborns available in the 60's & in 1970. The pressure to make the adoption decision was huge then, as well.
In my day they placed you with a family, for whom you worked (hard!) for free room & board, with substandard health care by medicaid. I was nearly giving birth in the OR, and they were still paging the doctor, over and over, who I never did see arrive. To make sure there was no witness, they clamped the mask for anesthesia over my mouth and put me under--even though I was FINE. I woke up after he was born but they wheeled him away, refused to let me see. Because I was not expected to keep my baby I was parked in GYN instead of OB wing, so could not see my baby until I was out of the hospital, at least legitimately--my mom & I snuck in once and saw him through the window.
Still, I would have felt far worse getting $$ for my child, I felt enough guilt as it was. Good medical care and housing while pregnant and for a short time after to recover? That's ok, certainly. It's not that it's empirically wrong, that would be unfair of me to say, but I warn you that the guilt afterwards is so great that YOU might feel very badly about it. That's something to think about.

[noelani2]

Jamas, my heart just aches for you and the situation you are in. In the last five years, two of my sons (both of whom are adopted) have gotten their girlfriends pregnant, one at 17 and the other at 16. Drugs were involved there, too. The first one got himself off of the drugs. He and the mother are still together and have done a great job raising their daughter, who is now 4. It hasn't been easy for them, but I am very proud of the job they have done. They just barely announced that they are having another baby. My youngest son hasn't done as well. His son is 7 months old, now. He and the mother are no longer together and things have been very rough. I worry about what my beautiful grandson's life will be like and wonder if it wouldn't have been better for him to have been placed for adoption, where he could have had two parents who were together and financially stable. However, I am here to do whatever I can to help, and will be for as long as I keep breathing. Do you have family who would help you out with the baby, if you kept him/her? I hate to think that, if the father of your baby is willing to face up to his drug problem and take steps to overcome it, he wouldn't have the chance to keep the baby, but of course, all I know about him is what you have written. I believe that anyone who has the support of extended family can keep her baby and make a decent life, but it is really hard for girls who don't have any outside support. It would have been very hard for my granddaughter's parents if I, as well as some of my other kids, hadn't been here to keep her when they both need to be at work or in class. Good luck on whatever you decide.

Firstmom47, I'm so sorry that they kept you from seeing the baby you carried for nine months. I will never understand why people thought that, because a girl was young and unmarried, she was just an incubator and didn't have the same love and attachment for her baby as women who were older and married. There isn't much that has caused as much pain in the world as that. I have had the opportunity to be with women who had babies taken from them as much as 60 years earlier, and cry with them, for the pain they had carried all those years. Were you ever able to find out anything about who adopted him and what his life was like? When we first started adopting, they were still keeping everyone in the dark, pretty much. We weren't allowed to know much about them and they weren't allowed to know much about us, basically just height and coloring. My second son's birth mom located him a few years ago, when he turned 21. The laws in Arizona, fortunately, permit searches, 21 years later. She's a beautiful lady and she had suffered a great deal over the loss of the son her family had coerced her into giving up. We still don't know anything about my first son's birth mom. My youngest kids have been able to know more, though. I found my third son's birth mother, myself. I just felt a need to do it and, fortunately, in Germany, where he was born, they let us know her full name and birth date. Thanks to the internet, I was able to do that. I contacted her, quietly, before telling anyone else that I had found her. If she had said that she didn't want contact, I would have wished her well and never told anyone. She did, though, and now they all have an ongoing relationship. She has six other children, including twin boys just a few months older than our granddaughter. It has meant a lot to our son to find her and I just wish my other kids could have the same thing.

[jamas]

Thank you for the kind words. To answer some questions...my parents will support whatever decision I make. However, they live deep in the country and therefore transportation to work and doctors would be nearly impossible...not to mention, finding a job within 30 miles of home. We have had our issues along the way as well, making it a very tense atmosphere.

I myself do not use any sort of drugs or alcohol. The DWI was 7 years ago and a bad judgement call on my part. My boyfriend seems to be doing great in his program...noelani2, has your youngest son/girlfriend tried an inpatient rehab for at least 28 days (although at that age, he/she may just not be ready and very reluctant to get better). He says he's thinking about things that he hasn't thought about in awhile and really diving into his own psyche to explore his issues. Its a relief.

As far as my financial concerns, I didn't know that housing and food could be provided during pregnancy. Thank you for that...definitely an option to explore. How many weeks/months into the pregnancy should I finalize this decision? I really didn't even think about, oh my god, do I dear say, "baby selling". I never even looked at it that way. If thats what it is, then I am certainly against it and would feel terrible accepting anything extra for the baby...especially from kind people that are going to provide a loving home.

Thank you for any and all feedback. I find it very helpful and encouraging.

[usisarah]

Really you cannot make the decision until the baby is born. You can be as sure about the decision as possible before the baby is born, but papers cannot be signed until some time after the birth, and frankly, your emotions will probably change back and forth from now until then.

Are there any unbiased places you can go to for help with this decision? If your parents will support you, will they support you also after the baby is born? If so you I think you should seriously consider at least trying to parent. There is no rule that says you have to make the decision before the baby is born or even before you leave the hospital.

If you do want to look into adoption further (really it's good to look at all of your options and educate yourself on all options), I encourage you to seek out an agency that looks out for the best interests of your child. In other words, see if you can find an agency that will help you decide what's best for the baby...one that will show you what resources are available for your to parent and one that will help you figure out what is truly best for your baby. Adoption is the right choice in some situations. Seek advice/help from those that will help you figure out if your situation is one of those.

[Jillie_sweetheart]

Originally Posted by jamas

As far as my financial concerns, I didn't know that housing and food could be provided during pregnancy. Thank you for that...definitely an option to explore. How many weeks/months into the pregnancy should I finalize this decision? I really didn't even think about, oh my god, do I dear say, "baby selling". I never even looked at it that way. If thats what it is, then I am certainly against it and would feel terrible accepting anything extra for the baby...especially from kind people that are going to provide a loving home.

Thank you for any and all feedback. I find it very helpful and encouraging.

Honestly I think the sooner you make the decision the better. You have time but a few things to keep in mind are if you do decide to keep the baby it is best to start looking into things now be it wic or welfare now so that when the baby arrives you have the things they need.

With adoption I think doing it sooner than later is better as well. Through the agency I went through they really encourage birthmoms and their couples to get to know each other throughout the pregnancy. I developed a very good relationship with my son's parents during my pregnancy and it is what makes our adoption easier now. With that said it is still very hard. I miss my little boy everyday and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't wish he were here with me.

If you do choose adoption you need to decide if what kind of contact you want as it's really something that needs to be discussed ahead of time as your couple needs to be on the same page.

As for birthmother housing I really encourage that over living expenses. You will have someone there to take you grocery shopping and to your doctors appointments. As well as having someone by your side. Overall I was very happy with my agency and I am very grateful to my son's parents for being the wonderful people that they are. With that said though it's still a daily struggle on if I made the right choice, if I could have done it. Will my son hate me when he grows up. could there have been a better way things like that. The only thing I urge you on is to be sure that this is what YOU want and what YOU think is best for YOUR child.

Don't let others sway you one way or another because at the end of the day you are the one that has to make and live with this choice.

Please feel free to private message me if you ever need someone to talk to. I won't pretend to have all the answers but I can lend an ear and tell you about my experience so far.

[belleinblue1978]

You can't make a decision about adoption until after the baby is born. Having that little being right in front of you changes everything.

You need to seek unbiased counseling about your choice, not an "adoption adivsor" who is hooked up with an agency.

Coercion exists in this day. PLEASE PLEASE think long and hard about this. Placing a baby so you can live in "birthmother" housing is one of the worst reasons I can think of to cause that kind of loss for yourself and your child. I say "birthmother" because you are an expectant mom right now, no one is a birth/first mother until after they relinquesh.

[crick]

I want to add that it's illegal to accept funds for a child. It's illegal to offer funds for a child. It's also against our forum rules to even discuss how to go about doing that so please be sure the discussion does not bring that aspect up again.

[littlewanderer]

Being poor or unwed is not a reason to give away your child. Adoption should be used as a last resort. This is a temporary problem and you still have plenty of time to make your decision. If you were the one on drugs you should consider it. You can always not have the father in the childs life until he is sober. If you simply do not want to parent that is one reason. If you feel you want to give the child material things you can't provide...alomst every adopted or non-adopted person I know wouldn't trade their mother for material things. So explore the adoption option. Personally if you were mentally ill I would say it may be better, but if there is nothing wrong with you and you WANT your baby. The answer is to raise your child or give guardianship to a family member to help you.
Good luck and adoption causes pain for birthmothers and their children. It is not this wonderful solution, but should you choose that path an open adoption is the best option.

[caths1964]

As it seems that you are considering parenting, you might find these sites helpful. I am not including them to sway you in any way but just to let you know what help is out there.

SM2B.org - Realistic Planning

Resources For Single Pregnant Mothers | LIVESTRONG.COM

[Jillie_sweetheart]

Like I said you really have to make this choice and while we can tell you what resources are out there for birth mother housing there are just a many resources out there to help you if you want to keep this child. There is a post not to long ago that list's those resources.

Ultimately you have to decide if this is something that you want and feel you can handle. No one can make this choice for you and don't let those around you tell you otherwise. I feel I was pushed into an adoption and it makes it even harder to cope with now. I am lucky and have a great open adoption and it is still really hard.

[caths1964]

Originally Posted by Jillie_sweetheart

Like I said you really have to make this choice and while we can tell you what resources are out there for birth mother housing there are just a many resources out there to help you if you want to keep this child. There is a post not to long ago that list's those resources.

Ultimately you have to decide if this is something that you want and feel you can handle. No one can make this choice for you and don't let those around you tell you otherwise. I feel I was pushed into an adoption and it makes it even harder to cope with now. I am lucky and have a great open adoption and it is still really hard.

I did start a thread along those lines. The two links I posted above are from that thread - hope they are helpful to the OP.