[Electrum]

Hello everyone, I'm new here and recently found out I'm pregnant. I'm about 9 weeks. I have a TON of things to consider. I need help sorting out this mess. Just so you know, I have two counselors I talk to, so this isn't my only support. I simply need all the support I can gather!

So I guess I'll start with a short history of myself. I don't want this post to be too long, but in order for you to understand why this decision is so hard for me I need to explain a bit of my life.

First thing to understand is that I've been diagnosed with mental illness for most of my life. I was first diagnosed with depression and anxiety when I was 12. Through the years my diagnosis has changed depending on what doctors I have and what medications they're trying. I've been diagnosed with Bipolar or severe depression.

I had my first baby when I was 18. I thought I was going to get married. The relationship ended up not working out, and I had to move out back to my mothers, who at the time was a pretty bad alcoholic. For that reason, my mental stability issues, and also for financial reasons I decided to give custody of my daughter to the father. At the time I thought it was the right thing to do but it is now something I have heavily regretted. That's really a whole other story so I wont go farther into it, but now that situation has culminated into me not even knowing where the father or my daughter is for about a year. I need to take legal action but for whatever reason(s) I haven't yet. So that is an ongoing drama...

I ended up getting pregnant again when I was 21. I was coerced into an abortion I didn't want, and because of that I suffered a psychotic episode that lasted a few months. Abortion terrifies me because of this. And for the record, I have always been pro-choice, but the effects of the abortion were too much for me to handle. The psychotic depression I experienced was the scariest thing I've ever been through.

A couple years later, I gave birth to my second daughter. Her father was abusive towards me and when we broke up... somehow it was determined that he should have full custody. I wasn't perfect by any means, but it was still a shocker. I honestly think the courts have a bit of prejudice when it comes to the mentally ill, and I had just gotten out of the hospital for another psychotic episode, so that is probably what they based their decision on.

Because I've lost all of my children I am an empty shell of a person. I'm often severely depressed and have had to have a few hospitalizations. I also struggle with addiction (which I do get help for, counselors and 12 step), but the constant feeling of guilt, shame, and depression is overwhelming.

Being pregnant again, I have NO CLUE what to do. Part of me thinks abortion is rationally the best choice, but last time I did that I literally went insane for awhile. I don't know if it could possibly be worse the second time around or if maybe it would be ok.

I've been researching adoption, and I know.. based on my history of mental illness, that I would probably have a very negative reaction to that as well. If I was so sensitive to the abortion I'm sure I'd have some sort of episode with adoption, if not worse.

If I was a "normal" person I would embrace the thought of single parenting. And realistically, I know the baby's father would be there for the baby, but in my heart I know a relationship would most likely not work out between us. But I'm not normal, I'm extremely mentally ill, and I can function like normal only periodically even with as much help from counselors and medications that I've been getting. I have serious doubts about my ability to parent, and losing custody of my daughters only adds to the doubts of my ability as a mother.

It breaks my heart. I truly wish I could be a mom. Any advise or comments or personal stories are welcome. Thank you for listening.

[JustPeachy]

I wish I had more to say right now, but I just wanted to send you hugs. I do hope some other people will chime in, though on the weekends things tend to be a little slower on the boards.

You are in a very difficult situation and it is so hard to know what decision to make, but as you know, only you can make that decision. I wish I had some words of wisdom for you! I know this is not an easy thing to do or to even know what is best or what you can best cope with. You mention you have counselors and other support. Have they been able to help you sort through the pros and cons of all of your options and clarify any of this for you?

[HappyTwinsMom]

I don't have anything profound to offer, but I will say that I hope you don't rush into any decisions. Being only 9 weeks along, you have plenty of time to decide the best course of action.

Good luck!

[JJ55]

I'm so sorry you have had such a rough time of things. It sounds like you have been through a lot. I can't tell you what to do, but I would like to share a small bit of my story. I am an adult adoptee. My birth mother became pregnant at 19. She did not feel able to give me all she wanted for me so she placed me for adoption. I was adopted by a wonderful mom and dad, and my life has been very good. I searched for and found my birth mom when I turned 30. We became friends. I am grateful to her for giving me up, I think it took a lot of love and courage. It was best for me, and I think best for her too in the long run. She was able to finish college and get her life together.

Obviously as an adoptee, I would caution you against abortion. That word makes me shiver with fright. Good luck to you. You sound like a kind person who is asking all the right questions.

[txparents]

Originally Posted by HappyTwinsMom

I don't have anything profound to offer, but I will say that I hope you don't rush into any decisions. Being only 9 weeks along, you have plenty of time to decide the best course of action.

Good luck!

If she's consider an abortion, then no, she does not have plenty of time.

OP, are you receiving any kind of counseling right now? Is there are way for you to reach out to a counselor to help you sort through your options?

[Lexical]

Hello, I am new to posting here (usually just read) but I wanted to let you know that you're not alone. I too have a history of severe mental health problems, have been hospitalized many times, and I'm currently pregnant.

How did you manage during your other pregnancies? That is something I was really worried about when I first found I was pregnant, that I would have an episode and the baby wouldn't be safe. I've really surprised myself though and done okay so far. Do you think you can make it through the next 7 or so months safely if you decide to carry the baby to term? If so, then the next big question is adoption or parenting.

I can't advise you on the aftermath of placing because I haven't done it yet, though I've been planning on adoption for most of my pregnancy. I don't feel like I could parent my baby because of my mental health problems. However, you are the only one that can decide for yourself what is right. Having a mental illness (even a severe/chronic one) doesn't mean you're incompetent and it definitely doesn't mean you can't be a wonderful mother! I get where you're coming from though because I share some of your exact fears.

I know it's a hard road and I don't have great advice but I hope you know you're not totally alone. It helps me as well to know there's someone else going through this. Feel free to message me if you want.

[Electrum]

Quick update on me; I got an ultrasound last week and the baby is normal and healthy so far. The pregnancy seems to be going ok. To answer the counseling question: yes I've been talking to my counselors about this but honestly they haven't been that big of a help. Of course I'm not really sure what I expect them to do, but they just seem to tell me that I CAN parent if I choose to. They just tell me that many parents with mental illness and/or addiction problems can be in recovery and be parents at the same time. Whether or not I feel up to the challenge is a different issue, I guess.

Lexical, my heart goes out to you. I'm not sure how similar our illnesses are, but my illness actually tends to be less severe during a pregnancy. I'm not entirely sure why or how that is, but after I give birth (or lose the pregnancy), my illness tends to go bonkers again. But during it seems to be less severe. One of my nurse practitioners said that some people with mood disorders do actually feel better during pregnancy because the pregnancy hormones help your mood become more stabilized. My depression is still bad, but I figure most people in our situation would naturally be depressed. Another weird thing that happens to me is that after birth instead of post partum depression I typically get post partum mania. Which at the time is pretty awesome considering I have tons of energy for a baby and whatever else, until the aftermath of the mania becomes apparent that is.

So sorry for the ramble lol. But my answer would have to be yes, I think I can carry to term safely, it's just what happens after that is extremely iffy. I guess my only major worry about the pregnancy is that I'm trying to quit cigarettes still, not doing very well unfortunately. I've cut down considerable but I still feel pretty guilty about that.

I agree that even with a severe/chronic illness, we aren't at all incompetent. Although sometimes I'll admit I feel that way, I know it's not true. It takes me a little longer to do "normal" things because I am periodically interrupted by my mental illness. I'm 27 and will be a sophomore in college next semester, and I absolutely love college, but I already struggle with making it through a whole year (I've only ever been able to complete one semester a year).

I HATE feeling like I have to choose between family and school but I do in fact feel that way. I absolutely love college, it's the one thing I feel like I accomplish in my life regardless of my problems. But I'm not sure if I can do it with a baby. I know most colleges have support for mothers but mine doesn't. And I know I probably could go to a different college but that is seriously another long story. Long story short, my dad is a professor at a private college and I get a free ride there because of that. And it's a prestigious (full of its self lol) college so of course my whole family would be horrified and ashamed if I wasn't able to get a degree from this college due to having yet again more babies that I can't take care of. That feels horrible typing out but that is how my family is.

Anyway, I've been typing for a millennium lol so I'll give it a rest now. But I'm just so glad you responded to my post I feel so much better knowing that even just one other person is going through something similar on here. You can also feel free to message me whenever.

Originally Posted by Lexical

Hello, I am new to posting here (usually just read) but I wanted to let you know that you're not alone. I too have a history of severe mental health problems, have been hospitalized many times, and I'm currently pregnant.

How did you manage during your other pregnancies? That is something I was really worried about when I first found I was pregnant, that I would have an episode and the baby wouldn't be safe. I've really surprised myself though and done okay so far. Do you think you can make it through the next 7 or so months safely if you decide to carry the baby to term? If so, then the next big question is adoption or parenting.

I can't advise you on the aftermath of placing because I haven't done it yet, though I've been planning on adoption for most of my pregnancy. I don't feel like I could parent my baby because of my mental health problems. However, you are the only one that can decide for yourself what is right. Having a mental illness (even a severe/chronic one) doesn't mean you're incompetent and it definitely doesn't mean you can't be a wonderful mother! I get where you're coming from though because I share some of your exact fears.

I know it's a hard road and I don't have great advice but I hope you know you're not totally alone. It helps me as well to know there's someone else going through this. Feel free to message me if you want.

[Lexical]

Hey Electrum, glad to hear the baby is healthy!! And I wish you good luck with quitting smoking. It's sooo hard but i'm sure you are very aware of that! I smoked for around 5 years and quit about a month after I found I was preg, but I still don't know how I did it, I think some luck was involved. Oh, and lots of overly minty gum, the kind that's a little unpleasant so it takes your mind off the craving for a sec. But don't beat yourself up about it, take it one day at a time, and congratulate yourself when you do good. (wow, I sound like a tobacco quit line over here. lol)

So it sounds like staying in school is a very positive thing for you, you mentioned the dad in your earlier post, do you think he would be willing to watch the baby enough that you could continue that? I know it might be hard to work out if you don't have a relationship, but it sounds like he might be willing to do his part as a parent? That could make a big difference.

If the dad knows about your illness and how it could possibly affect you, and he is supportive, then you could feel like you could go inpatient if it gets really bad while still knowing the baby's taken care of and in a safe place. Or if he's not supportive, do you have family members or friends that would help you out in that situation?

It's always going to be an uphill battle, atleast, that's how it feels for me. But I think you must have a lot of perseverance to be pursuing college like this and that's worth taking in to account.

[chloroxsis]

You sound like a very honest young lady. You know your limitations...many people don't know that about themselves. So, if you feel you are unable to parent your baby, I'd sugges an open adoption. You'd be able to keep in touch with the child a little bit and know how he or she is growing up. I think for your health, it will be important for you to know your baby is OK, and you made the right decision. If you can parent your child, then do!

Good luck on a very hard decision!

[winteriscoming]

Wow, I can't imagine what you must be going through. The only thought I can offer is IF you decide not to parent, perhaps an open adoption would work for you. That way you will be able to contact or see your child and his/her family regularly, etc. Maybe you could contact an adoption agency, and the social worker there could either provide counseling for this, or direct you to someone who can. They have a lot more experience with this specific issue than counselors in general, I would imagine.

Either way, good luck to you, and I hope you find the support you need!

[Hadley2]

My heart goes out to you. Socially and medically, we are not doing enough for people in your situation and many are not living safe lives, even with strong support such as you describe having. The fact that you've gotten pregnant accidentally three times and have had several hospitalizations at such a young age I think points to either the lack of proper management of your illness or its severity or some combination. I wish we did better as a society to keep people with such illnesses safe so that they can be productive and enjoy as much fullness of life as possible. But we're not there yet.

There is a lot in what Chloroxis says. I would caution you, however, to remember that expectant parents and new parents don't choose adoption--prospective adoptive parents do. You can only choose termination of your parental rights and, in some states, you may choose the subsequent parents of your child-although, in most, even that can be a gamble. Whether or not an adoption that is intended to be open remains that way is not at all guaranteed, even in states with so-called "binding" agreements. Realistically, your history may impact how many paps are willing to commit to openness although I'm sure many would honestly intend to try it.

You sound very much like my dd's first mother in her 20s, although at the time she thoroughly self-medicated with alcohol and drugs and did not have psychiatric care. Care came a bit later, but because of today's system, it was never consistent. With recurrent psychotic episodes, you know that there is some difficulty in managing your illness and that you are suffering further impairment with each episode. I imagine that post-episodic recovery is a little more difficult or takes a little longer each time and that you feel a little changed after. If you transition to having recurrent or intact delusions after stabilization, then that points to a more serious dx than you've mentioned, one that dd's first mom didn't get until her late 30s.

Are you under the regular care of a consistent psychiatrist and have have you asked for a frank discussion of your dx, potential dx and long-term prognosis? I would think you need to do this before making a decision.

If I were you, I would also have a frank discussion with my family regarding their commitment to the child if you try to parent. How much will they support you? How much are they willing to co-family/parent the child? How much are you willing to let them? How much would you be willing to in your worst moments?Will they step in when needed? Are you willing to try to commit to trusting their judgment when they feel there is an issue? Would you be able to trust them and cooperate with them in your worst moments--which is when your child will need them most? Do you and they recognize that bouncing back and forth between you and others would not be healthy for your child? That if it looks as if that would happen long-term (relative to the child's age), one of them would have to/should step up and become permanent guardian or adopt? That doing so might mean a protracted legal battle with you?

I ask these questions because DD's first mother lost her relationship with her family due to her illness--not because they lacked compassion or she was a bad person but because they couldn't survive her toxicity and had to withdraw. If you try to parent and your illness worsens, the day may come when your family has to choose between your child's safety and welfare and their relationship with you. DD's first mother's family detached from both of them, believing that any involvement with DD would force them to engage with her first mom. They were not in a position themselves where they were able to engage with her and stay strong for her child. It was heartbreaking all around, I'm sure. Is everybody--including you--willing to take that risk?

It sounds as if you love school and that it is a place in which you can feel fulfilled. I really hope that you are able to continue and receive the family support you need to stay as safe as possible while continuing to grow into yourself as well as, hopefully, better management of your illness. Peace, H

[desperate_in_ca]

Wow. Our situations are very similar but for different reasons. Yours is based primarily on the psychological risks of having or not having a baby. I also have a few psychological factors weighing in on my situation as well. I also have a history of major depression and anxiety. I had to be hospitalized for it on three occasions. I also developed breakthrough symptoms of my depression in the form of PMDD. I am currently on 2 antidepressants and one anxiety medication, and one prescribed painkiller. My doctor says two of these medications could cause birth defects, but I know what will happen to me if I go off them. And I am at risk of developing postpartum depression given my mental health history. But the main concern is the risk of physical bodily injury I could sustain if I went through childbirth. I was advised for many years against having children, that it posed serious risks to me, and when I did decide to have my own children someday, a serrogate mother would need to be sought out. And here I am now faced with the impossible decision of either having to abort, or risk a very damaging pregnancy, and an unhealthy baby too. I also know the psychological risks involved of both abortion and child birth as well. I am having such a hard time with this. Weighing everything against each other, but I certainly know I don't want this future baby to have to die. I was crying out to anyone who knew if I could donate my embryo to another couple who wanted a child, but it isn't possible. I know how hard this is because I am going through the same thing. I'll tell you though, I now respect a woman's right to choose more than ever before, on both sides. No woman should have to face unfair judgment and scorn for aborting a child if it's the best option, or choosing to give birth even if it's not the best option. It gives a whole new perspective on what freedom of choice really means. Sometimes it's not even a choice at all. It just looks like that to the outside world. I personally will most likely have to terminate my pregnancy, I realize that now, and I'm having a really hard time with it. A horrible time. But I'm not giving up hope just yet. I am going to a doctor tomorrow to go over every option I can possibly have. I hope you will do the same. Please see somebody. I don't think there is hope for my situation. I really do face the strong possibility of a very dangerous birth if I go through with it. If I do go through with it, I am completely at God's mercy. But if you are more physically eligible than I am for childbirth, maybe, just maybe there is something you can do. Only a specialist would know so try to get in touch with one before you give up. But whatever decision you make deserves to be treated with the utmost dignity and respect and support from others. Nobody can know what this is like until they have to go through it themselves. I wish you all the luck in the world.

[blessedmommy3]

Let me start by saying I am so proud of you for seeking help and advice on your concerns of keeping your baby. That alone makes you a wonderful mother. Weather or not you choose to keep the baby or place it with someone else you will always be your children's mother and no one can ever take that away from you. I had a grandmother who suffered from the same illness as you so I am familiar somewhat with your situation. She only ever had one child (my mother) and raised her herself with my grandfather. My mom however suffered due to my grandmother's illness. She always felt the weight of her illness and spent her childhood try to fix her mother rather than enjoying her childhood like all children deserve. She was always loved but never at peace. She was always stressed and felt it was her responsibility to fix the problems her mother had to deal with on a daily basis. To this day she feels guilty for not being able to fix her mom even though it was completely out of her control.So all that said my advice to you is to strongly concider an open adoption for your child. As a parent of three beautiful girls (one of which was stillborn so is in heaven and the hardest thing I have ever experienced in my entire life) I can understand a mothers love for her child. Sometimes doing what is best for them is at your own expense unfortunately. My husband and I are despertately wanting to adopt as I feel I born to be a mom. Every child gets asked what do you want to be when you grow up and all I can ever remember saying was be a mom!!!!!! I am 31 yrs old and 2 yrs ago while trying for another child I was diagnosed with pcos and had pre cancer cells in my uterus and was rushed in for a complete hystorectomy. I was devostated and have suffered depression since then due to empty feeling of no longer being able to have children. You see that is why is it so important for women like you. There are so many of us who are unable to have children of our own and because of you we along with you can mother your child and provide the love and necessary care. What ever you decision you make please know I admire you so very much for choosing life for your baby. Wheather the child stays with you or is placed with another family always remember you are their mother and they will always love you for giving them life. If you ever need someone to talk to please feel free to message me. Keep you head up and remember you are strong.

[Hummermom]

Originally Posted by blessedmommy3

Let me start by saying I am so proud of you for seeking help and advice on your concerns of keeping your baby. That alone makes you a wonderful mother. Weather or not you choose to keep the baby or place it with someone else you will always be your children's mother and no one can ever take that away from you. I had a grandmother who suffered from the same illness as you so I am familiar somewhat with your situation. She only ever had one child (my mother) and raised her herself with my grandfather. My mom however suffered due to my grandmother's illness. She always felt the weight of her illness and spent her childhood try to fix her mother rather than enjoying her childhood like all children deserve. She was always loved but never at peace. She was always stressed and felt it was her responsibility to fix the problems her mother had to deal with on a daily basis. To this day she feels guilty for not being able to fix her mom even though it was completely out of her control.So all that said my advice to you is to strongly concider an open adoption for your child. As a parent of three beautiful girls (one of which was stillborn so is in heaven and the hardest thing I have ever experienced in my entire life) I can understand a mothers love for her child. Sometimes doing what is best for them is at your own expense unfortunately. My husband and I are despertately wanting to adopt as I feel I born to be a mom. Every child gets asked what do you want to be when you grow up and all I can ever remember saying was be a mom!!!!!! I am 31 yrs old and 2 yrs ago while trying for another child I was diagnosed with pcos and had pre cancer cells in my uterus and was rushed in for a complete hystorectomy. I was devostated and have suffered depression since then due to empty feeling of no longer being able to have children. You see that is why is it so important for women like you. There are so many of us who are unable to have children of our own and because of you we along with you can mother your child and provide the love and necessary care. What ever you decision you make please know I admire you so very much for choosing life for your baby. Wheather the child stays with you or is placed with another family always remember you are their mother and they will always love you for giving them life. If you ever need someone to talk to please feel free to message me. Keep you head up and remember you are strong.

There are many treatment options for depression and bipolar disorder that didn't exist 20 years ago, much less during your grandmother's lifetime. Mental illness in and of itself does not mean a mother with those conditions cannot raise a child in a healthy home.