[marl106]

I am a 20 year old single mom of an amazing 8 month old little boy, but I am also pregnant again, and I am serioulsy considering adoption. But everytime I think of having to let go, I break down. I dont want to take away what little my son has and split it in two, but I dont know if I will truly be able to let go. I dont want this new baby to grow up thinking that my son now is somehow better, or anything like that because I chose to keep him, I just don't think I will be able to raise 2 children 15 months apart by myself. I think I would prefer an open adoption something where I would get pictures and updates and such, and maybe see the baby around birthdays or something. I dont think it matters yet if s/he knows I am the birth mother or not, I could just be like a family friend that visits every now and then. I think I already have a couple picked (someone I already knew), but its not fair to them to give them the hope of a child and take it away because I get scared.
Will I ever really feel 100% sure, or will I always have some doubt in the back of my mind?
I'm almost certian I want to place this baby, I just can't imagine actually letting go.

[quantum]

It's always a tough decision and relinquishment causes pain and doubts that never do go away.
I would urge you to keep all of your options open! See what kind of help you can get from friends, family etc etc.
Yes, it would be tough raising two such youngsters alone, but also easier in some ways. My girls I'm raising are 23 months apart and now that they are 6 and 8, it's just so easy. The first few years were tough, and I've got a very supportive husband.

I have a friend who is in her 50's and raised twins alone, so it is possible!

Think about the things you're afraid of, and what kind of help you can get.

Also, please realise that you can still choose adoption even after you give birth, but once you've signed the final papers, there's no turning back.

Open adoption has it's own pitfalls. The parents raising your child will be the parents and the final say on anything will be theirs, that can even include closing the adoption as most places don't have legally enforceable open adoptions.

Take soem time and read things, soul search, ask questions! Remember that the final decision is yours and yours alone though!

I wish you the best

[Tatoosh]

I'm sorry you're struggling with this decision. I think if you read through the board you'll find a lot about how birth mothers feel 20 years down the road after adoption.

Quantum (as always) bring up a good point. Open adoption isn't enforceable (in most states).

This is relevant. At the time, I wouldn't have considered a closed adoption. The adoptive parents assured me that it would be an open adoption with all the contact I was comfortable with. They were well educated, loving, kind, married for 15 years, and genuinely good people. They changed their minds about having an open adoption, and I haven't seen or heard anything about my daughter since she was about 3, in 1996. Now I'm attempting to reunite and the adoptive parents say it's a bad time to approach her.

If having an open adoption is the only way you'd consider adoption, please carefully explore whether it's enforceable where you live. Things change, even if you have no reason to believe they ever will.

[mommy2cmm]

So far you have been given some great advice!!!! I want to add that you could possibly just give custody if you know the person.That is what I was going to do and decided adoption was best and ended up not having things the way they were supposed to be.I lost out on alot and that's not what I wanted.
Please read more on here and take your time, this is a very big decision and one that will be with you forever.

[me-n-u]

marl, no advise, I just wanted to say that I am happy that you are here reading

[marl106]

I do get some help with my son, but I dont like it. I dont like the situation, I am able to bring him to work, ( I do in home care), but I feel like the home is disgusting and there is another baby who comes, and it's all just a competition between the kids, and my son is never good enough. You try telling an 8 month old and a 10 month old they cant play together. And when they do, its my fault for not paying attention to him when they play together. If anyone in that house gets sick, of course its my baby's fault, and I just dont want him in that kind of environment, always being told hes not good enough. When my mom gets off work she picks my son up, but because she is doing me this huge favor by watching him for free, she decides that she is going to be the one that make the decisions about him. I don't let my son watch TV, and she does. I dont smoke around my son, and she does. I don't want her taking him anywhere, but what I dont know wont hurt me, right? I don't think she would purposly let anything happen to him, but I just dont agree with the way she does things and I'm afraid of what it will be like with 2, especially as they get older. She has different ideas of discipline than I do, and I don't want her taking it upon herself to make these decision. So I guess all this means is I do have help, but it's not the kind I want or need.
I am fairly confident that the adoption will stay open, her biggest concern is that I will want the baby back someday. I don't think it even matters to me if I am known as the birth mom or not, just a family friend who visits about once a year. I don't expect to lose contact with this family, but I think I would be ok if I did. I know that they would be good parents, and be able to give my child what I couldnt. I think as long as I feel in my heart that the baby is ok, I will be alright.

[usisarah]

I know what you mean about getting help with strings attached...it is very frustrating.

Is there another family you can find a job with? (If I understand you correctly, you're a day care provider in someone else's home?)

Where do you live...on your own, or with your parents? Is it possible to start your OWN day care in your home? Starting a new business can be really scary, but depending on how far along you are, you could see how it worked out and have a better idea of whether or not you'd be able to swing having another child in that environment. It sounds like you will be at your wits end soon with your current job...the complaints you are getting are probably only going to get worse as time goes on.

Are you in an area that has any resources for single moms, or have you looked into what resources may be available to you through the govt? There are resources available in my area, but everywhere is different.

You have a difficult choice to make, and only you can make it. But I would just suggest you look into the resources available to you and take advantage of them if possible.

[marl106]

I am currently re-applying for assistance through my county, but they say I make too much (or I did the last time I tried.) I get WIC, and my son has madical, but my medical was dropped 8 weeks after my son was born. There's also a couple of other programs that I am still waiting to hear back on, one of which would be amazing, I could get a 3 bedroom townhome, for less than what I am paying now for my 2 bedroom apt. Right now I live in my own place, and I am responsible for all of my bills.
I do have plans to go to school, proabably online, but atleast its something. I think if I can get into one of these town homes, and get daycare, I might be ok. I know I've got some time before the baby gets here, I just want to make sure I look into all of my options.
At this point daycare is a necesity.
I don't provide daycare, I'm actually a PCA. I take care of kids in wheelchairs. I've looked into other PCA jobs, but everything pays less or I cant get child care for the right times. So if I can get daycare I can switch jobs, and I wont have to rely on my mom so much.

[mommy2fiveplus]

it sounds like you are interested in possible a job in the medical field. May I suggest Nursing school. I was 20 when I had my first, placed with my little cousin 7 mos later who was 13 mos old. So at age 21 I had a 7mos old and a 13 mos old. I began the nursing program at my local college (a 3 year program) and now I have been a nurse for 5 years and have 6 kiddos under 9 years old (we adopted my cousin and another child from foster care).

You will need to apply for financial aide for college (FAFSA.gov) which will likely give you $2500/semesterin Pell Grants (you dont have to pay back) and once you fill out the application at the college you will likely qualify for subsudized loans from the government that will cover additional expenses as well as living expenses.

I took the Pell grant but worked full time through out school (but I had thier father to help) so I did not take the loans even though I qualified for them. Most of my friends in school (almost all single moms) took the Pell grant and the loans (up to $30,000/year) and did not have to work while attending school because they used it ot pay rent/utilities/etc.

When you are done with school you will have a 6 mos grace period to get a job before you have to start repaying the loans. Nursing jobs are easy to come by since thier is a shortage of nurses across the nation. Even in the places where they have lots of nurses you can usually find a job nearby. I make $24/hr now and that is low pay for an RN (because of where I live). It translates into $3800/month.


I really encourage you to look it over and seen what you think. I have always thought that money should not be a reason to place a child. Those kinds of things can change and how will you feel when you are raising one child and doing very well financially and the adoptive parents lose thier jobs, and house, file bankrupsy and are unable to give your child the life you want. It would be different if you were too immature (but obviously not since you are raising your son) or if you had mental health issues or if you were abusive/neglectful.....but it seems as if you are not, so I would think you baby is bet off with you. JMHO

[brokenheartedmom]

Hi. There are so many people that feel like you do . I felt the same way. I have two children already and got pregnant and gave my daughter up for adoption. That was the hardest decision I have ever made. Don't worry about what your child will think if you give s/he up for adoption. I feared the same things you are right now. It is really hard to walk away but at the same time when you find the perfect people who will give you pics it helps with the healing process just knowing and seeing that your child is happy. I get pics now all the time in the mail, e-mail, and I even got to talk to her over the phone a little bit after her 3rd birthday. It was amazing hearing her voice. It was something I dreamed about for a long time and didn't think would happen til she was in her teens. I chose the perfect people who just want to make everything easy. It will be alright no matter what decision you make. My daughter will always be my daughter. She's lucky she has two mommies and two daddies and siblings she will find out about soon. Just know either way it will be hard. Walking away is hard but struggling with two kids is hard too. Things will work out in the end. I didn't make my decision until I was almost eight months. Don't rush because in the end it is YOUR decision. Good luck.

[Ramned]

Originally Posted by mommy2fiveplus

I really encourage you to look it over and seen what you think. I have always thought that money should not be a reason to place a child. Those kinds of things can change and how will you feel when you are raising one child and doing very well financially and the adoptive parents lose thier jobs, and house, file bankrupsy and are unable to give your child the life you want. It would be different if you were too immature (but obviously not since you are raising your son) or if you had mental health issues or if you were abusive/neglectful.....but it seems as if you are not, so I would think you baby is bet off with you. JMHO

As an adoptee myself, gotta second this post. In making the decision, do not underestimate or lose sight of the fact of how important YOU are to your baby. Financial reasons are nowhere near enough to justify it IMO. If you love your baby, that is enough...

[Peroni]

Did you make a decision about what to do? It is such a brave thing to consider adoption and whats best for your child. If you choose adoption, you can definitely find a good situation where the adoptive parents keep you involved. You need to stick to what makes you feel confident in the future of both your kids! Open adoption seems to make the process a lot easier for both sides, and it is really healthy for the child.

My husband and I are trying to learn how birthparents feel since we are seeking adoption ourselves. It is very important for us to understand what families go through when considering adoption, so that when we get contacted, we can build a better open relationship with our future child's birthparents. So, thank you very much for sharing your story. We will pray for you guys.

PS I highly suggest nursing, in reference to a reply below. I got my second degree in nursing and take care of babies in the ICU- most rewarding experience! Hopefully it is preparing me to be a good mom someday.

Jami and Ben

[Hadley2]

marl, please remember that, contrary to what some people say, there is nothing brave or not brave, selfless or selfish, etc., in this decision. Don't get tangled up in those judgments. Whether they seem positive or negative, IMO they can only hurt you and your child. Whatever you deny yourself out of "bravery" or "selflessness," for example, you would be forcing your child to pay the same price. These kinds of judgments can't help you to make a responsible decision for your child if/when he or she is born.

IMO, it really comes down to whether the child's interest in safety (you decide what "safety" means) and permanency is better served by staying with you or without you--no matter what happens later, since you won't be able to know what that will be, control it or protect him or her from it.

Also, it seems obvious, but remember that if/when this baby is born, you will be his or her parent just as much as you are your son's mother now. No other adult's wants, needs or expectations will outweigh your responsibility to make the best decision possible for your child.

Last, it doesn't really sound from your post that you want to terminate the child's identity and rights to you and your responsibilities and rights to this child. That's my take, but you need to listen to you and your heart.

Good luck! I hope we hear back from you.

[Hadley2]

Originally Posted by Peroni

If you choose adoption, you can definitely find a good situation where the adoptive parents keep you involved.

How do you know that!? You don't. That's not reality for many birthparents on these boards. What if someone read that and actually factored it into their decision? And it turned out badly? I don't want to hijack the thread, but, please, be more careful.

[Ramned]

Originally Posted by Hadley2

marl, please remember that, contrary to what some people say, there is nothing brave or not brave, selfless or selfish, etc., in this decision. Don't get tangled up in those judgments. Whether they seem positive or negative, IMO they can only hurt you and your child. Whatever you deny yourself out of "bravery" or "selflessness," for example, you would be forcing your child to pay the same price. These kinds of judgments can't help you to make a responsible decision for your child if/when he or she is born.

IMO, it really comes down to whether the child's interest in safety (you decide what "safety" means) and permanency is better served by staying with you or without you--no matter what happens later, since you won't be able to know what that will be, control it or protect him or her from it.

Also, it seems obvious, but remember that if/when this baby is born, you will be his or her parent just as much as you are your son's mother now. No other adult's wants, needs or expectations will outweigh your responsibility to make the best decision possible for your child.

Last, it doesn't really sound from your post that you want to terminate the child's identity and rights to you and your responsibilities and rights to this child. That's my take, but you need to listen to you and your heart.

Good luck! I hope we hear back from you.

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