[folly]

At almost 35 weeks I am still debating between adoption and parenting and my first easy to answer question is this: The social worker from the adoption agency has told me that you sign a TPR PRIOR to giving birth. Their lawyer has it on file and files it with the courts within 48 hours of birth. Does this seem weird to anyone else? If I do sign the TPR and change my mind, I couldn't get out of it correct? Once you sign it, that's it? If that's the case, there is no way I am signing it before birth. It seems almost like the adoption agency is using it as a way to ensure the mom doesn't back out? I'm in WA state if that matters any.

For all of you birthmoms out there, were you entirely sure of your decision before you placed your baby?

In as little as an hours time I can go from being 100% sure that adoption is the best route to being 100% sure I could never give this baby up. I'm not normally an indescisive person and I'm going nuts not being able to make a decision. In all honesty I can't imagine either situation, parenting or adoption.

A little background - I am 32, never planned on having kids, don't have a lifestyle that supports raising children and am paying for some stupid financial decisions when I was younger. The father has been part of my life for 8 years, but he's 48 and has two grown children.

Typing it out, the answer seems obvious, but it's not. Parenting wouldn't be easy but I "could" do it. For some reason I just can't convince myself that I do or do not want to. Horrible, I know. Any advice?

Finally, are there any birthmoms out there that DIDN'T inform the hospital that they were placing their child? No matter which option I choose I think it's going to be traumatic enough. I really fear that the baby and I would be treated much differently if the hospital staff knew I wasn't keeping it.

TIA - I know this is long and winding, but I am getting more and more worried as my due date approaches.

[crick]

While you "CAN" sign the TPR prior to birth, you do not HAVE to do so. So if the agency is presenting this to you as a "This is how it's done" and not as a "This is one option and the other option is to wait til after birth", then I would be picking a different agency.

Even if you sign prior, the court cannot approve it til 48 hours after the birth. Until a court approves it, you still can revoke consent. How quick the process is...I have no clue.

For specifics on WA laws regarding consent & revocation, please see here Washington Relinquishment, Consent, Revocation laws -

As for the other questions, hopefully someone with experience on those will answer. I just wanted to be sure you knew of the link above to get concrete answers to your consent process.

[lovemy2boys]

folly,

Do NOT sign TPR until you are absolutely ready.

If they tell you it's the way that it's done, well, it may be the way THEY do it, but it's not the law, and it borders on unethical.

If they pressure you? Find a different agency. It is NOT too late to do so.

I would find your OWN advocate separate from the agency.

Both of my kids' firstmoms signed TPR when the boys were 6 weeks...the agency discouraged signing prior to that.

I'm sure firstmoms will be on here tonight or tomorrow to offer you some words of wisdom...

[thanksgivingmom]

While I can't help you make this decision, I do have a couple of thoughts:

First, I'm not a fan of signing TPR prior to birth. How can you say "goodbye" without saying "hello"? Plus, should you choose to parent you have to take action. If you wait, you only have to take action if you choose to place. If you see your child and decide to parent, you should spend the time bonding with your baby - not tracking down lawyers and reversing paperwork. But that's just my opinion

Secondly, I know many women that were treated differently in the hospital that felt it was based on their plans to place their child for adoption. I know that when I visited my daughter in the NICU the nurses barely spoke to me and weren't very kind. I was largely ignored. They wouldn't answer my questions ABOUT my daughter, and they made me very uncomfortable.

I can't speak to all hospital experiences, but I know that there are definitely some that have felt their's was negatively impacted by their intention to place.

[thanksgivingmom]

Originally Posted by lovemy2boys

folly,

Do NOT sign TPR until you are absolutely ready.

If they tell you it's the way that it's done, well, it may be the way THEY do it, but it's not the law, and it borders on unethical.

If they pressure you? Find a different agency. It is NOT too late to do so.

I would find your OWN advocate separate from the agency.

I'm sure firstmoms will be on here tonight or tomorrow to offer you some words of wisdom...

Yes.

This.

Especially the finding the advocate stuff. You need to have someone that's going to stand up for YOU.

[taramayrn]

DO NOT SIGN TPR BEFORE THE BIRTH!!!!!

*yes I meant to yell that one*

[JustPeachy]

Absolutely do not sign TPR prior to birth. I didn't even know this could be done. I feel strongly that it is unethical.

I relinquished over 20 years ago. I would hope things have changed since then, but something tells me this is not so. The hospital staff knowing I was placing most DEFINITELY had a negative impact on my birthing experince. The nurses were without a doubt the worst. I was strongly discouraged from seeing and holding my son and giving him his feedings by the nurses. Thankfully, I was at least asked if I wanted to see him, and when I answered affirmatively and was discouraged, I was strong enough to stick to my guns. It was not the nurses' decision to decide for me what I could and could not handle in terms of what may or may not "make things harder" for me. My mother was also not allowed to see my child during feedings. Only the baby's father was allowed at the last feeding to visit in the room with the mother and baby. My child's father was out of the picture, and I wanted my mom to be able to see and hold her grandchild. When the nurse saw her in the room, she demanded she leave, and when we begged her to please make an exception for my mom, the nurse threatened to take my son back to the nursury and not let me see him again unless my mom left. She actually turned MY baby away from my mom as she left the room, so she was not able to even get a glimpse of him as she passed by! It is something that has stayed with me all these years. After the fact, my caseworker said "oh, you should have SAID SOMETHING, I could have arranged for your mom to be there!" as if I would have even known this was an option!!!!!

Sorry for the rant, but that was my experience. I would do things very differently now. Nurses and other medical staff still have a tendency to be very judgemental toward birthmoms. I wouldn't necessarily NOT tell them I was planning on placing, but I would make darned sure I was being treated with respect.

[Steph-Jason]

I don't know all the legalities but the state when DD was born- her bmom was not allowed to sign TPR until 72 hrs after baby was born. That way she had time to start to heal from the physical trauma of giving birth & decide if she was making a sound decision. I don't think it's a good idea to sign beforehand. After the baby is born you may decide to parent & if you've already signed TPR I don't know what you'd hav to do for that to happen - you need that time to officially meet your baby & make the decision that's in your heart.

About the hospital experience- I can't answer for DD's bmom but she did say she was suprised on what a positive experience it was for her/us. The hospital was very helpful & sympathetic to all of us- including her (at least while I was around & from what she told me)- I think that really just depends on the hospital though & the sensitivity they show.

I second what's been said about getting an advocate / counserlor outside of adoption or your agency for you to talk to. Someone who'se only job is to help you.

Good luck to you - I'll keep yu in my prayers!

[BrandyHagz]

While you "CAN" sign the TPR prior to birth, you do not HAVE to do so.

Actually, in most states you CAN NOT sign prior to birth - the statutes state that the document can not be signed until X hours after the birth.

However, Washington State is not one of them, unless you are Native American heritage.

In fact, Washington States statutes say this regarding consents:

When Consent Can Be Executed

Citation: Rev. Code §§ 26.33.080; 26.33.160

A petition for relinquishment, together with the written consent to adoption, may be filed before the child's birth. If the child is an Indian child, the petition and consent shall not be signed until at least 10 days after the child's birth and shall be recorded before a court of competent jurisdiction pursuant to 25 U.S.C. § 1913(a).

The consent will not be presented to the court until 48 hours after it is signed or 48 hours after the birth of the child, whichever occurs later. In the case of a consent to an adoption of an Indian child, no consent shall be valid unless the consent is executed in writing more than 10 days after the birth of the child.

I would suspect it is the BOLDED part that is creating the issue here - because the statute doesn't directly state the time period required to wait after birth in order to sign, it is likely that they would want to wait until all drugs are out of your system, to ensure that there are no 'issues' with duress later on - thus pushing the timeframe for filing the paperwork back from 48 hours after birth to 48 hours + whatever number of hours required to ensure you aren't under the influence of pain medications.

So, I can see why they want you to sign prior to birth - it limits the amount of time they have to wait after the birth to file the paperwork.

However, you are not required to sign anything until you're darn good and ready. If signing prior to the birth makes you uncomfortable, then inform them that you'll be signing after you're discharged from the hospital and not before, as is your right.

There are only a hand full of states that don't specifically address the minimum time required to wait after birth to sign consents - and it looks like WA State is one of them.

Good luck with whatever decision you make.

[Dickons]

Seriously if that is what your adoption agency says to do....run, run fast, don't look back...

DO NOT SIGN UNTIL YOU ARE READY 100%...

Kind regards,
Dickons

(adoptee from the closed era...)

[folly]

Thanks to everyone for their input. I am not going to sign the TPR until I am 100% sure of my decision, I just needed someone to reaffirm my gut instincts.

As far as the hospital goes I still haven't made any decisions. Most likely I will be going through L&D solo and I'm not all that fond of my OB (although I am eternally greatful to his generosity when it comes to my prenatal care costs). I just think a rude nurse or staff would be the last straw for me.

With 29 days to go I am still struggling with my decision. I am wishing I was much younger and more naive. As it is every ounce of reality tells me that I have NO business parenting, but there's that hormonally challenged part that says, but I don't WANT to go through adoption. So the internal debate continues.

I really, really appreciate all of the advice and support that I have gotten through this board. Although I know that I am the only one that can make this decision it helps just to know that there are others that have been where I'm at and survived. Hugs to all of you.

[EZ2Luv]

Without reading any of the posts please do NOT sign the TPR before birth.

Folly

I just read your last post and you are wise to follow your gut and not sign.

While I am far from anti adoption I firmly believe when an emom like yourself posts about not being sure that is that small voice inside you that is wanting to parent.
Now I cannot make a decision for you nor can anyone else, but I can make a suggestion or two..
I am not a bmom but I have my own children that I parented. I promise you this, once you hold that miracle in your arma and look down at that little face that came from your body, you will fall in love like no other love you have ever experienced. This is not hormones this is a God given instinct that a mother has. Please spend time with your baby as much as you can. If possible take your baby home . Adoption does not have an expiration date so you can always decide on an adopton plan anytime later down the line if you so choose to.
Again that little internal debate is not 100% hormones . Adoption is a PERMANANT soultion to Temporary problems and situations. Situations , finances, living arrangemnets are all suseptable to change, once you sign your rights away there is no turning back.
Many times self doubt causes an emom to go through with an adoption plan, they fail to see that they can and will be awesome mothers.
I pray that you are able to come to a desicion that you are truly at peace with. And yes many bmoms do survive an adoption, but they also live with a lifetime of pain wishing they could turn back the hands of time to have done things differently.

EZ

[bromanchik]

Have you considered a doula? They are there to support you and many of them volunteer. I can help you find one if you like. Here's some info on them.

DONA International – What is a doula?

[dklevy]

I know the hospital I went ot was very helpfull in the maternaty ward. The reception desk didn't want to let her parents and the agency worker up though. I had told them prior that I was expecting them but they had just enough difficulty getting the go ahead to miss the birth by a few minutes. SE was in NICU for a week and the nurses/staff bent the rules so that I didn't have to escort her parents in everyday after i was discharged. They let me sign an initial surender before i left so they could be there everyday. They told me they nurses were very nice to them the whole time.

My biggest advice to anyone is to be completely sure before deciding to parent or not. Don't let your head take complete control. You may be able to quite it for short periods of time, but it's my experience that our hearts will never let us forget the things that they truly desired but we denied them. You know what's best for you and that baby. And I believe every woman has the strength to do what's best as well.

[lglysson]

Folly,
About the hospital, I had a wonderful experience. The doctor, and nurses and staff all knew in advance. They were kind and accommodating. One nurse came in and let me cry on her shoulder in the middle of the night. Even though it was a painful experience, I don't regret it at all. I am/was completely at peace with giving her up for adoption.
I think sometimes we feel if we are hurting, then it must not be okay. Relinquishing is painful, but sometimes it's just the right thing, and you can have peace about it.
Blessings