[Mizz_Momma]

Hi
I have two beautiful girls ages 3 and 1 from a previous relationship. In June we separated and the girls and I moved out on our own. I got into a rebound relationship (or so I thought, he actually had a gf and baby on the way already) in which I ended up with an unplanned pregnancy. The father of my first two girls told me I had to have an abortion or he wouldnt get back together with me, I couldnt do that and eventually he got over it and we got back together. I haven't felt very close to this baby but I was somewhat excited at times during this pregnancy. The father hasnt been involved and recently my boyfriend broke up with me for some girl he didnt even know at the time who he met online. I am feeling depressed and scared and alone. I'm having trouble taking care of myself nevermind 3 children. The father of this baby has started vandilizing my house. I've started to think about adoption. I'm scared to make a hasty decison based on my depressive state. I dont want to regret this decison in the long run. I'm scared and alone. I don't know how to make this decison but I only have 3 weeks left in my pregnancy and I feel rushed. What are some things any of you have used to help make this incrediably hard decision.

[quantum]

Poor you! I am really feeling for you and your current situation.

I'm glad you found these forums and I hope that we can help you.

First of all, can you get some counseling? Not from an adoption agency, but someone who can help you with your depression and help you to sort out what you want to do.
I'm feeling like a big part of you wants to keep this baby, but you're scared of being overwhelmed. Is your family around to help you at all? Don't rush into any decisions. It's quite ok to take your baby home and decide later what you want to do, however, if you decide to relinquish your child, you may have no recourse later if you regret your decision.

There are other people here who can help you quite a lot in finding out about resources so you can fully explore the option of parenting. I know it's tough but hang in there!

[BlackSheep]

First of all Mizz, I would like to welcome you to the forums and also congratulate you on your pregnancy. I know that you are not feeling as though you are ready, willing or able to welcome a new life into this world, but every child is a wonderful gift.

I know that you are thinking that the end of the upcoming birth is signaling a decision has been made, but I want to stress that this is not the time to feel pressured or to make such a monumental decision. This is the time to enjoy your children and feel the wonderful joy of bringing a new life into this world.

Each and every one of us has a story that lead to the decision that was made. Remember that adoption is a permanent solution to a temporary problem and can't be undone. Take your time and search your heart for the decision that you can live with for the rest of your life. Also, remember that your other children will be effected by your decision. Even a very young child "knows" when something isn't "right" even if they don't fully understand it.

Please keep us posted and write your feelings, fears and questions so that the very caring community here can help where we can. I pray that you will find your right decision in the time that you need and not on anyone else's time scale.

[aspenhall]

The only reason for placing is if you truly don't WANT to be a parent to the child. Anything else, and you'll regret it. There's no expiration on making an adoption plan. It will be hard whether placement is done at the hospital a few weeks after birth, or whether it's done at home a few months after birth.

You need to decide if you will be OK with not being mommy to this baby. If you can watch another family raise and love and take care of her.

[JustPeachy]

First of all, welcome to the forums. Secondly, please don't think you must come to a final decision now or prior to the baby's birth. I would look into getting some counseling now, exploring all your options, and waiting until after the baby is born to make a final decision. There is no rush or timetable where you must make your decision, but it would help to have all your options sorted through and see what kind of support you may have if you choose to keep your baby, and what is available if you decide to place.

What are some things any of you have used to help make this incrediably hard decision.

You know, my situation was totally different, as I was still a teenager and living at home. I pretty much had my mind made up on adoption from early in my pregnancy. I got lots of counseling during my pregnancy, and after. I was very surprised, my son being my first child, at how much I bonded with him after he was born. It was insanely difficult to leave the hospital without him. I did not sign any final papers, though, until about 6 weeks after I had him. He was in foster care during that time, so I had that time to revisit my decision and think a lot more about my circumstances and if I was making the right decision. It was still hard, but I felt it was best to place my son. I did not feel pressured by my agency or anyone for that matter, and I strongly believe that this was important to my healing in the sense that I could "own" my decision, it was not made for me, and I came to it after weighing all the pros and cons. I think it also helps to look at things logically, which isn't the easiest since it's such an emotional thing, but if you can, it is helpful.

The only reason for placing is if you truly don't WANT to be a parent to the child. Anything else, and you'll regret it.

I don't feel there are any "only reasons" for placing a child. It really is up to the individual what their situation is and what they feel they can handle and what they want for their child. I wanted to parent my child, but couldn't give him what I felt he needed. And I did not regret my decision. I also don't think it's really fair to say to someone else what they will or will not regret, as we simply can't know that.

Mizz-Momma, I know you're in a tough spot right now, and emotions are running high. Try to slow things down a bit, and really look into what is available in terms of support if you choose to parent your child. You could also contact a few agencies just to get a feel for what your options are if you place. Just remember, you are under NO obligation to relinquish your child and don't let anyone pressure you to do so.

[Janeytwo]

Dear Mizz_Momma,

Hi. My name's Janey. Welcome to the forum.

I wanted to ask before I say anything, you had mentioned the father of your unborn baby was vandalizing your house. So my first thought is for your safety. Are you and your girls okay? Do you have any kind of support network that can help you with this man's irrational behavior -get it to stop?

I would echo what's been said here about not feeling pressured. I understand what you're saying about feeling that you have to make a decision now....but there is still time. Even after giving birth, even if you decide to bring your baby home, even then you can still opt to relinquish if you feel everything becomes too overwhelming.

But you don't have to rush into a decision right now. Give yourself some time. You've got enough going on right now. I know you want to make a decision and be at peace with it.

I would say to you that I made the decision to relinquish in the harsh light of reality..

Yes, I wanted to be a parent.

But I knew that that was not enough. There were things my children needed and in the situation I was in, I could not provide those things. I'm talking about basic necessities like housing, food, etc.

My situation however was extremely dire. Yours may not be near that.

I would say to take some time to step back and access the situation; see where you really stand as opposed to how you think you stand (if that makes sense).

Also, the suggestion to talk to a counselor is an excellent one.

((( Mizz_Momma ))) Hugs to you. Keep posting and remember that situations change. Give yourself some time and please.....if you and your girls are being threatened in any way......take care of you guys, okay? Don't let that guy bully or hurt you.

Much regards,

[annerose]

My heart goes out to you but JANEY IS RIGHT do not make any quick decisions and take care of yourself first. To share with you I am now single and I adopted a little girl from another single Mom who like you had two already and the father did not want another. I could not get pregnant I lost five even though I had everything my boyfriend of a long time left me because I couldn,t and so I adopted alone and am now praying for another she is my sunshine a gift from heaven so is yours whatever you decide to do..

[annerose]

: PS Do not let the pressure of time cause you to make the wrong desicion there is always time even after the birth whatever desicion is made if it is right you will feel good in your heart about it and I would advise you as someone else did pray about it then let it go and it will come to you time heals all wounds . Do not go to an agency or adoption service go to a community mental health patient center for mental health in your area as they will be objective about it they are not in it to make money but to help. they are free to those that cannot pay. I used to work in one . You are not alone anymore.

[Mizz_Momma]

Thanks for all the replies.
I am currently staying at my Mothers because of my depression, I have been here almost 2 weeks but I am going home this weekend, Thank God.

I was suppossed to meet with a pregnancy counciller this week but since I'm not in town I am meeting with her next week...and its through her that the adoption takes place apparently.

She had told me on the phone last week that she had to speak with the father of this baby. I told her to go ahead and do that, so that thats over with if I do choose to give her up.

As the fog of my depression starts to clear I find myself wanting to keep her more and more. Yet I am trying to make a decision with my mind and not my heart. I don't drive, getting around on the bus with 3 babies is not easy.

I will keep everyone informed....Thanks again for your support.
I just want to make the right decison.

[FauxClaud]

Mizz Momma...

Don't listen to your mind..honestly make this decision based on your heart.
You mind can fool you when it comes to adoption. Adoption can seem very logical when confronted with a situation like yours, plus often, even people like pregnancy and adoption couselors have their own reasons for wanting you to err on logic. But situations change, sometimes very quickly. Which means your mind can change, but our hearts stay the same.
You might not be able to see a future now with a new baby in tow, but I can assure you that a furture without her will not be one that you ever want to see.
Depression now..confronted with all these major life chnages is normal, depression after you relinquish a child is something you learn to live with every day.

Let your heart rule on this one..it's the only way to go. You'll do what you have to do to keep you children together. That's what mommas do...

[JustPeachy]

I tend to take the opposite tack, in that I feel it necessary to look at the situation logically. Decisions based solely on emotion can go very wrong, too. Maybe a balance of the two can be the best approach. The most important thing is to not rush into a decision, have all your options in front of you, and don't let ANYONE (whether for adoption or against) try to push their agenda onto you.

[MamaS]

Originally Posted by JustPeachy

I tend to take the opposite tack, in that I feel it necessary to look at the situation logically. Decisions based solely on emotion can go very wrong, too. Maybe a balance of the two can be the best approach. The most important thing is to not rush into a decision, have all your options in front of you, and don't let ANYONE (whether for adoption or against) try to push their agenda onto you.

I agree with Just Peachy. Take your time, think about your options and about what is best for the children you already have. You will make the right decision.

[Janeytwo]

Dear Mizz_Momma,

The hardest thing for me to do was to decide. I had to give it all a rest and just let it be for a little bit and then I knew what I had to do.

It'll be okay.

Keep talking to us! (((( Mizz_Momma))))