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  #1  
Old 04-18-2009, 03:00 PM
seeking_to_adopt seeking_to_adopt is offline
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Question To birthmoms from a man - why is it painful to give up your baby for adoption?

To birth-moms from a man - why is it painful to give up your baby for adoption?

As a man who has never had children, I am trying to understand how painful and why.
It would pain me to give up my dog Kacey for adoption (picture here).

However, it did not pain me to give away my lazy, selfish cat - Flatface, away. (picture here)

Can you please rank the following to understand the "how much"?
Also if you can explain the "why it is painful". (feel free to add more events.)

My ranking is below - from most traumatic, to least.

1 death of close family
2 disability from car or other accident
3 divorce
4 abortion
5 job loss
6 death of pet
7 giving up baby for adoption
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Last edited by seeking_to_adopt : 04-18-2009 at 03:19 PM.
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  #2  
Old 04-18-2009, 03:16 PM
MommaKatja MommaKatja is offline
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I started to respond to this but am short on time I will respond when I get home tonight.
  #3  
Old 04-18-2009, 03:25 PM
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kakuehl kakuehl is offline
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Seekingtoadopt: I think you have said that you are not yet a father. If you had a child of your own, especially if you saw that child being born, I suspect you would rate it somewhere around your #1, losing a close family member. A birth mother has nurtured that child within and with her own body for 9 months. They have been literally connected through the umbilical cord. Even if the child is not expected or is a product of rape, a woman's body is designed to care for that child. In some ways a child is the closest family member a woman can have. I have not met any mother who easily places her child for adoption. (There may be some, I haven't met one yet. I can guarantee that it is a life changing experience, even when one is convinced it is the best thing for the child. I would write more, but I have to go lead worship
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Old 04-18-2009, 04:33 PM
MommaKatja MommaKatja is offline
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So many thoughts are rushing through my head so I will try to respond coherantly. I can only speak about my own experience so anything I say is about ME and not about anyone else.

I think the most important thing to understand is that the term "unwanted pregnancy" was NEVER true for me. Unplanned? YES. Surprising? YES. But from the
moment I learned I was pregnant I loved my child.

Its hard to understand the pain of others and I think that is shown in your list and in what my list would look like were I too rearrange your items. Having never personally been through a divorce I would place it further down the list because of how I witnessed my sister's amicable divorce. Having not grown up with pets the thought that losing a pet would be more painful than losing a child is laughable to me but I can see that others are attached to their animals. But again thats me and my experience. Comparing pain or arguing over whose pain is worse doesn't really get anyone anywhere.

Trying to understand another's pain however is very important.

So back to how painful and why. For me VERY painful even 7 1/2 years later. As I said above I loved my son from the beginning and I did as every parent should do and made a decision that I believed was best for him. Was it the right decision? Well thats a topic for another day. But just because I thought it was a good decision for him does not make it any less of a sucky decision for me.

I miss him every single day. I worry about him every single day. I love him to this day. And being away from someone you love is painful. Watching your child curl up with someone else. Hearing him call someone else mommy. Its all painful. Not being there on special occasions. Painful.

I don't know how else to explain it. Maybe I'll figure out how to explain it later or maybe someone else will have the words.
  #5  
Old 04-18-2009, 05:01 PM
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My Two Cents

Dear "Seeking"

I flipped an internal coin before answering this post because I wasn't sure well...quite frankly.....I wasn't sure how to take it at first.

However, you seem sincere in that you are genuinely trying to understand.

Anyway......to answer:

It is painful to relinquish a child because doing so means great loss. IMO - Relinquishment is a loss of self in many ways. Our children are an extension of us; not in that we own them but that our hopes and dreams are manifested through their existence - at least that is how I see this. Simply put the relinquishment of a child is the death of dreams and dreams, as I'm fond of saying, die very hard.

As to the first item on your list, Seeking. Some have compared relinquishment to a child's dying. I respect the grief behind such statements, though I can't say I agree. I think I may have posted this previously and if I have I apologize.

But I would rather be me - a double surrenderer - than John and Revee Walsh. I wish they didn't have to be John and Revee Walsh either - if that makes sense. I cannot imagine a greater nightmare than the murder of a child. I personally don't know how anyone comes back from something like that. Or the death of a child from illness; another nightmare.

I hope that answers some of your questions for you.

Regards,
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Last edited by Janeytwo : 04-18-2009 at 05:07 PM.
  #6  
Old 04-18-2009, 07:25 PM
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Not much surprises me anymore on the forums, but I have to admit that your thread has floored me. On the chance that you're serious, I'd rate relinquishing my baby for adoption as number one on your list of stressful/painful situations...and I've experienced all the situations you've listed. Placing your child for adoption so he or she will have a better life than you can provide is vastly different than giving your pets away.

If you sincerely want to educate yourself on what birthmoms go through when they place their infants for adoption, you should take a look at the many, many threads in the Birth Parents' forums.
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What does not kill me, makes me stronger. ~ Friedrich Nietzsche, Twilight of the Idols, 1888, German Philosopher (1844-1900)

  #7  
Old 04-18-2009, 07:35 PM
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belleinblue1978 belleinblue1978 is offline
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Actually placing my child for adoption easily ranks number one in your list. It was monumentally harder than my divorce (which actually was a relief). Death of a pet being harder than placing a child for adoption? Honey, that ranks somewhere underneath not being able to pay my electric bill.

Placing a child for adoption is an open grieving process. There is no closure. I watch my child call another woman mom. It will pain me forever.
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  #8  
Old 04-18-2009, 08:00 PM
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Like Raven, when I first saw this thread I was incredulous. I tapped out a response almost immediately and then refrained from posting because I would have certainly been banned. I took a look at it an hour or so later and tapped out another response, but then refrained from posting it because I would have certainly been reprimanded. Now that some of my good cyber friends have posted respectfully, I think I can give it whirl without getting in trouble.

Living with the consequences for 26-years after the relinquishment of my son, I can tell you that it ranks at the top of the list for me. To compare a child that I loved so much with the giving away of a cat or dog is beyond offensive. I agree with the others, if you are truly sincere and really want to know what it “feels like” to place a child I would recommend reading the many threads by first parents on this forum. I would also recommend reading, The Girls Who Went Away. You still will never know what it’s like but perhaps you can find some empathy.
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  #9  
Old 04-18-2009, 08:07 PM
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This post is almost laughable to me........I don't want to be disrespectful, but WOW, just WOW.

But in the event you are trying to learn, I will TRY to explain.

My birth son (and I will only use the word "birth" to clarify, he is my son) is to this day, even after 18 years, always on my mind. Not a day goes by that I don't wonder what he is doing, where he is, how he is, if he is in need, etc......much how I worry about the children I parent on a daily basis.

Just because I made an adoption plan, doe not mean that I gave up my right to love him, worry about him, or wish and pray for the best things for him.

It hurts daily to know that what was best for him at the time of placement was not me. It hurts to know that he calls someone else mom, it hurts that he doesn't have a father figure in his life due to unforeseen circumstances, it hurts to know that right now as I type this there is a situation in his life causing him pain and I can't even hug him.

I gave him life and gave him the chance at having a life and with that comes a lifetime of pain for me....that's just how it is.


As for where in rates......#1

Divorce, BTDT....see ya EX...no pain here!
Death of a pet, poor doggy
Death of a family member......My father passed away 9 years ago this July, I miss him terribly, but NOTHING like I miss my baby!
Job Loss, I think in these economic times everyone is facing this very real problem however, I don't think you can compare it to the grief of a mother who has placed her child
Disability from an accident, doesn't compare.

Can't speak for abortion, but that is the loss of a child so I am sure it rates up there high with grief from placement.
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Last edited by Mommy24 : 04-18-2009 at 08:13 PM.
  #10  
Old 04-18-2009, 08:46 PM
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IMHO NOTHING comes close to the pain of relinquishing my daughter..... absolutely NOTHING.
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  #11  
Old 04-19-2009, 06:28 AM
seeking_to_adopt seeking_to_adopt is offline
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Thank you all for your replies - I had no intention of offending anyone.
Giving your baby up for open adoption if you are unable to parent, seemed like a no-brainer to me. After all, it's not abortion.
However, I wondered; is the mother-child bonding aka 'maternal instinct' due to hormones, or something else?
From HS Biology, if I remember correctly, the Lutenizing Hormone is responsible for production of breast milk and the mother-child bonding. In animals this is temporary but from your experiences, in humans this seems to be much longer.
If it is so painful and traumatic and if the child was so precious, then how come we read about or know of so many cases where the parents kill, molest, prostitute, sell, abandon their own children?
Just look at the local news - it is too painful to read of these incidents sometimes.
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Last edited by seeking_to_adopt : 04-19-2009 at 07:09 AM.
  #12  
Old 04-19-2009, 06:38 AM
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Janeytwo Janeytwo is offline
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Quote:
If it is so painful and traumatic and if the child was so precious, then how come we read about or know of so many cases where the parents kill, molest, prostitute, sell, abandon their own children?

Okay......that's enough!! I get it. You came here to screw with people. You expect these good people in here to be able to explain to you what goes on in the minds of child murderers simply because we relinquished a child? That we can explain the brain of some slime that prostitutes children?

Yeah okay buddy.

You win. You got everyone here good.

Now go play in another sandbox.

See ya wouldn't wanna be ya.
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Last edited by Janeytwo : 04-19-2009 at 06:43 AM.
  #13  
Old 04-19-2009, 07:00 AM
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Yep. You're either a total and complete idiot or you're deliberately trying to pull chains. I believe the latter, but I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt. I'm finished. Go read a book or something.
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  #14  
Old 04-19-2009, 07:13 AM
seeking_to_adopt seeking_to_adopt is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Janeytwo
Okay......that's enough!! I get it. You came here to screw with people.
No, I did not and I fail to understand your anger.
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  #15  
Old 04-19-2009, 07:52 AM
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I apologize to all our first and expectant mothers on here for this ignorance and hurt.
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