[BparentsCandJ]

We need advice from anyone who could help.
We are birth parents to 3 boys, 2 of which we have placed in "open adoption" and now about to be a third.

The first adoption was through an agency which did not go well. The 1 agency repeatedly lied, 2 messed up the paperwork, 3 threatened us both, 4 and generally made everything crazy.
One they lied about everything. The amount of communication we would have with prospective AP's, we only got to speak with them about four times before the birth. They also lied repeatedly about living expenses, they would tell us to go pawn x and use the money to go to the doctor or get meds ect and keep the receipt that they would reimburse us so we could get x out of pawn, never happened we lost a lot because of that. They also lied about the contact we would have with the baby in the hospital. We were told the amount of contact was up to us and we had decided the baby would go between us and the AP's until both Bmom and baby were discharged. Nope, when we asked to see the baby we were told that was not the plan in place. They also lied about the "exit strategy", we were told we would have a chance to say goodbye, not so the AP's called 5 mins before they were supposed to leave for the airport and said come out and say goodbye then got mad when I started to cry and just left.
Secondly they filled out the paperwork to show the baby was to be released and be in the custody of the agency. When me and my husband protested (in labor recovery by the way) we were told if we did not sign the paperwork we would have to leave but our son could not and we would have no say so in what happened. Finally after my husband called an attorney they did rewrite the paperwork.
Thirdly after the AP's just ran off they were supposed to call when they got home. Nope again and after trying to contact them and trying to have the agency contact them for a week, we signed the forms to resend the adoption. When the agency found out they threatened to sue us if we went through with them.
In the end we did decide no matter how we felt it was really the best place for our son and they could give him opportunities we could not.

The second adoption ended up being a private adoption with the adoptive parents from our first adoption. This did not work out that well either for three reasons. One the problems from the first adoption were all blamed on the agency (by the adoptive parents) so we agreed to give them another chance so our children could be together. Now to their defense I will admit that not all of the original problems resurfaced but some did (mostly they still did lie about it being completely open, they do keep contact with my husbands parents still but not us). Secondly they would say yes then would say they were not sure,this went on up until the end (which by the way we found out after we finalized that they had argued with my husbands mother that even though they promised us they would bring our first child we adopted to them when we gave birth to the second that they actually had no intention of doing so until my mother in law told the we would back out if we found out they continued to lie). Thirdly the living expenses were very awkward to discuss for us. We honestly ended up in some financial problems because of this (not as bad as with the agency though).
Also I must add one very good thing in their defense, when we did get to met our first son we adopted to them the very way he held me in such high esteem did prove to me that they did at least raise him believing that I do love him and made the choice for him instead of I'm a loser or worse. Our son though on the down side really did not seem to know much about my husband or that he made the decision with me, to some extent it was almost like he didn't exist.


Obviously we are not newbies but here are our questions.
We are obviously not going back to the first agency and obviously not going back with the same couple, but I am almost 3 months pregnant again and looking at adoption. So what we are asking is for positive or negative experiences with agencies or facilitators. At the moment we are looking at "Abby's One True Gift Adoptions" so any input on that would be helpful. We did read the rules for this on here and understand that anyone who replies will have to pm us and I hope we are not breaking any other rules by asking for this information.
Thank you for your time.

[taramayrn]

I am sorry you have had dealings with less than ethical agencies in the past. I hope you receive some information via pms about the agency you are considering using.

Just to let you know Adoption.com is not a matching site. So it is against our rules for anyone to contact you in hopes of adopting your child. It would also be against the rules here for you to contact anyone hoping they will adopt your child. If you receive any pms of the nature please let myself or one of the other mods here know.

[mygrl4meee]

Have you thought about birth control?? How can you keep having babies and placing them for adoption. How can you deal with the pain and sorrow over and over. I think anymore than one child placed for adoption would make me jump in the river.

[BparentsCandJ]

Mygrl4meee this is a question that I should have addressed already and am glads you brought it up. I have endrometriosis which I was diagnosed with when I was 19 and told I could not have children. My first son (not adoption) I was not on birth control due to this. My second and third I was on birth control both times. I was told that both times I conceived when the cysts on my ovaries would rupture. I did repeatedly ask my OBGYN to tie my tubes, he refused since I had done adoption. This current pregnancy I was not on birth control since I was going to a new OBGYN (I finally moved to a lager town with better health care) and was looking into getting treatment which would conflict with the birth control. As far other forms of birth control due to the severity of the endrometriosis I cannot use foam, diaphragm/cervical cap, or iud's. I don't know any other way to put this but my husband can not use condoms due to metal piercings. So here we are. And yes it does tear me up daily. These are the hardest decisions I have every made. But with my current issues I do not feel it would be in the best interest of the child to keep it and I do not believe in abortion or even the morning after pill. The only thing I can and do really hold onto for solace is everything happens for a reason and in the end the child must come before my personal feelings.
I hope this is helpful

[Mommy24]

Originally Posted by mygrl4meee

Have you thought about birth control?? How can you keep having babies and placing them for adoption. How can you deal with the pain and sorrow over and over. I think anymore than one child placed for adoption would make me jump in the river.

WOW! As a moderator I was going to delete your post as I think it is highly rude, however since BparentsCandJ has not taken offense and replied to you I will not.

But speaking as a first mom, WOW! I can not tell you how many years I have spent trying to get people to understand that unless you have walked a mile in my shoes, please don't judge me. I have never been where BparentsCandJ is, I only dealt with 1 unplanned pregnancy and while it was the hardest thing to do and I can not imagine ever having to do it again, I would never condemn another first mom for feeling like that is the route she needs to go.

We do not know her circumstances fully, she came here looking for support and resources I hope she finds that. I am sure there are enough people IRL that she deals with or may have to deal with that just don't get it, let's try to be more supportive of her.

[mygrl4meee]

I am sorry if that came off as rude, but it was a good question. Adoption shouldn't be used as birth control. But you are right, without knowing all the information, I shouldn't judge. Being a Birthmother is so darn hard and sometimes I wonder why I kept living. I miss my daughter so bad.
To Bparents to 2 I am sorry that you are having so many health problems. I think it's wrong of Doc's to refuse to give someone a tubal ligation when it's what they want. I was given a hard time, because I was only 24 years of age. It should be our right, but then again some days I wished I didn't do it. I also know that when it comes to kids we have to make the best decision for them.
I hope you find all the help you need and remember what you post stay's forever.

[RavenSong]

Originally Posted by mygrl4meee

I am sorry if that came off as rude, but it was a good question. Adoption shouldn't be used as birth control. But you are right, without knowing all the information, I shouldn't judge. Being a Birthmother is so darn hard and sometimes I wonder why I kept living. I miss my daughter so bad.

Personally, I don't think it was a "good question" at all. It is none of your business whether the OP uses birth control or not...period. She wasn't asking for advice or opinions regarding birth-control methods. She was asking advice about a specific adoption agency.

I was horrified at your statement about throwing yourself into the river if you placed more than one child for adoption. There are more than just a few "regular" members who are bmoms on these forums who have placed more than once. If anything, they need all of our support and reassurance. I have never walked a mile in their shoes...I have only placed one child for adoption. That certainly does not mean that I'm a better person. It just means that I never was placed in that horrible situation ever again. It's hard enough for bmoms on this forum to face the guilt and loss over relinquishing their babies. None of us need to be admonished to take birth control, especially by another bmom. You are indeed lucky that you haven't had to make that decision more than once in your lifetime.

I hope you find all the help you need and remember what you post stay's forever.

I've noticed on most threads that you've posted on lately that you're including a warning about being careful in what a member posts because the messages are archived. I'm just curious as to why you keep bringing this up. I see nothing in the OP's thread that would be considered objectionable. So why the warning?? Many posts are made by members who are looking for personal advice or opinions. It's hard to get advice from others if you don't give a personal background of sorts...

[mygrl4meee]

I am sorry if my feeling about placing another child are strong, but they are mine. I am not suggesting anyone else jump in the river. I wouldn't really jump, but I was luckily enough to be able to prevent future pregnancies
I give the warning, because I think everyone should have a fair warning that posts stay, unless you offend someone. I have posted questions when I needed advice and now see how it's not in the best interest of my daughter if she found this site, before she found me. Some things are better left to say with friends or the therapy.
I am really frustrated at the lack of support for Birthparents. Where are the sites we can seek support that don't scream adoption ads?

[BrandyHagz]

No need to continue to has this out - I've banned the member who created the 'uproar'. Please continue the discussion.

[EZ2Luv]

To the OP, my heart truely goes out to you. Though I have no experience with adoption agencies, I am an adoptee that was blessed with wonderful parents and I pray that your children are equally blessed.
I am sorry you have had such a rough time with your past placements and that less than honest agency.
You are an honest and fair person, I can tell because of how you gave credit where credit was due. It is also obvious that you do love your children. Just because circumstance are not optimal for parenting at this time, does not mean you do not love your children. My suggestion is that whatever agency or facilitator you do choose that you would at least be able to recieve counseling.
I do know that there are some wonderful APs out there and it is evident on this forum. APs that will really honor an OA and keep their word.
Ordinarily when an Emom comes here I always suggest that she consider parenting if at all possible, but most that do come here are naive to the entire process. You have placed before, not that it make this any easier, but you know yourself better as to what you are able to do.
My best advise is since you do have time is to explore every option and know exactly what you want and expect for a plan. I cannot imaging e having to make such a choice, but I am sure there are PAPs out there that will meet you critera without you having to waiver to please them. No matter how much you like the PAPs, this is your baby and you do not owe anyone a child.
Again, I pray that God guides you and direct you and you are able to find peace in your decision.

EZ

[kakuehl]

Hi C&J,
How are you doing this evening?

[jp4ga]

So sorry you are going through this again. I urge you not to rush to make a decision to go with any particular agency too early. I adopted a child through an agency that I thought was good. They encouraged me to lie to the bmom, and said OA's are not legally binding in our state and to just tell the bmom what she wants to hear, that we could do whatever we wanted to do after TPR.

We were 90% through the placement process when these things were said and had already fallen in love with the baby. These things were said to us when the bmom wanted to change the agreement after placement. Which we were fine with. It made me mad, we did adopt the baby but did not tell the bmom anything that we were not willing to follow through with.

Just remember not all agencies are there to help, some are there to make a buck. Take your time, don't let anyone rush you into making a decision you are not 100% sure of.

I hope that all goes well for you and your family.

[qs mom]

This isn't where this started, but on your health issue, be sure to find a doc who listens to you and your needs. We are the boss in our own healthcare.

I had adenomyosis. This was horrible for me. I suffered for years. One doc told me to lose 100 lbs. I had a hysterectomy at 40. It was the greatest thing ever. Except they left my ovaries in. I had cysts that just continued to grow to the point that my right ovary had a cyst the size of a large grapefruit. So, I had a bi-lateral salpingo-oopherectomy in June. If I had pushed a little more to find out what was really wrong when I was younger maybe I would not have had to 2 surgeries.

[cetalley]

Welcome, we are happy you are here, and maybe between all of us we can help some how. I ask you keep us updated, because with all of us living different experiences, just maybe we can help guide in your journey. I too relinquished twin sons in 1986. I have yet to find them...It IS the hardest thing I have ever endured and am still living the nightmare of the relinquishment ...but more so the AGENCY! I talked to my C.I., about 2 weeks ago and she informed me the agency, that I went through had NO license in 1986, and I have not enough time to tell you of the horrors they put me through. I also have endometriosis, and fibroids, I have been blessed enough to have a good medical team and all is under control. I , however, chose to not have other children after I relinquished, for I did not feel as if i deserved to. I do not know how much their parents( that ended up being blessed enough to raise my sons), knew of this agencies blackmarket background, I may never know. If i had to ever relinquish another child, I can assure you I would NEVER use another agency. I know this is a strong statement, but is is MY opinion. I would most definately, find a private attorney and insist upon anything and EVERYTHING, being agreed upon and LEGAL, before hand. I would also NEVER have a closed adoption, if it could not be put into legal binding contract, then those PAP'S would not be my choice. I am very hurt of all that I have learned in the past 2 weeks and so saddened, even more...it has been 22 yrs. and My nightmare is far from over. I hope you take your time and get ALL you wish legally and happily. Please do come here, and tell us if something does not feel right, between all of us ...maybe we can help this journey be MORE TOLERABLE, if that is possible! Blessings...

[BparentsCandJ]

Sorry it took me a few days to update on here, with working 6 days a week and all, life is hectic.
I received the packet from Abby's and decided to RUN. I'm not sure if I can post the specifics of way so if I'm out of order I apologize in advance and if the mods would let me know I would appreciate it.
In their packet there was four forms I did not feel very comfortable with. The first was a form for general relinquishment of confidentiality (this was aside from the medical and background checks). The second and third were basically the same, one was a form that stated I could not speak with any other agencies after completing and sending in their packet, the second was a form for me to sign stating the same. The forth and most alarming was a form for me to sign that I understood it would be a criminal act for me to change my mind after
signing with their agency and that I could be prosecuted.
I understand that some agencies are set up to heavily favor the AP's and this seems to be one of them. This is one of the problems I went through with my first adoption which every time there would arise a problem I would be "reminded" I could not leave their agency, and would really like to avoid that this time. Now I am speaking with Adoption Advantage, so if anyone has any info this would be greatly appreciated.
I must say thank you to everyone here for making me feel so welcome.
jp4ga I must really commend you on your honesty to the bmom this is a quality I hope all bmoms can find.
qs mom thank you for your advice, prior to my current pregnancy I had finally found and doctor who imho is a lot more knowledgeable than my previous obgyn. They had brought up having a hysterectomy but I'm not sure if this would be the route I'm wanting to take mostly I'm concerned about the hormone changes.
cetalley I hole heartily agree about agencies. From my dealings (which admittedly are not very vast) most agencies look at bmoms and the children they carry as a commodity to be sold. No matter how nice the person on the phone seems in the beginning this always becomes obvious in the end.
I have tried going the private route with my second adoption. First prior to going back with the APs from my first adoption I looked into some couples I found on the internet through a facilitator and for me this was way to stressful. All the PAPs we spoke with had been, for a lack of a better term messed with they where so cautious it was hard to get to know them. The one couple we did wish to "match with" honestly scared me a little bit. They wanted our first meeting to be at my ob's visit. I did feel mostly comfortable with them as we had been speaking on the phone 4 times a week for over a month but I was just not that comfortable yet. When I expressed my feelings about this with them and discussed we meet first then go from there they decided not to match. Also when I did go with the AP's from my first adoption this was through an attorney, some things where just really awkward not having a mediator handle. This is most likely more of just a personal flaw I have, but I do not like dealing with the financial end.
I must again thank every one here for helping me.