[Samonster]

I happen to be eight months now and just met my daughters parents. I cant begin to explain how I felt when they walked into the room, wonderful. I'm 18 and this pregancy has turned my life around, from being a heavy drinker and drugs to becoming completly sober she has changed my life, and I am thankful for her. I know I can not suppot her the in the ways a child needs to be. Her father is someone who doesn't care and drugs have consumed him, I've been alone this whole time and pray for his peace in self distruction. I'm kept awake by thoughts at night, am I doing the right thing, Its hard to tell ones self that you wount be able to do this, with a constant reminder in my belly its even harder, everytime she kicks its like a reality check. Im not sure what im looking for even in posting this, some sort of support,some one to listen to me?

How is it possible to miss someone so close to you?
My mother tells me this is what i need to do, mind you shes walked out on me time and time again through the course of my life, her words dont matter to me but the fact is she is my mother and it stilll hurts.

I feel as if Opal's (my daughter) father wanted to be involved things would be different. is that really a factor to take into concideration when talking about someones life? I cant help but to feel as though he is responsible for my actions im about to make. I feel selfish and its as if the answers right in front of me and i refuse to look at it, or i cant find it.

Unconditional love is something I've always wanted and now im faced with it and im running away.

If you know your going to regret something, do you continue to follow thru?
the truth is something i knwo nothing about and as far as tomorrow is concerned im clueless on how ill feel

so in an ending note this is something ive considered sence i was four months, how long does it take to reach peace? when will i know what i have to do, besides what i should do

[sstuart]

Samonster-
I was 19 when I placed my dd and now she is 22 and I have recently reunited with her. I still am not at total peace. I say if you have doubts you need to look into the alternative--which is parenting. You need to find out what resources are there for you and Opal. You need to do this for both of you. Just because you place a child does not mean that they will have a better life or guarantee a two parent home. When you finally see your daughters face you want to make sure that you did what you could to make the best decision for the both of you. Do not let a temporary problem of finances make a life changing decision for you. If you think you can parent do it. You beat the drugs and alcohol!! You can do this too. You just have to look into yourself. If after investigating parenting and seeing Opal you still feel that adoption is your best choice for the both of you then you can make the decison with some peace. And remember you do NOT owe anyone your child!!!

[agathaj]

I'd advise you take her home for a while and see how it goes - rememberin that the sleepless nights don't last long although it feels that way. Don't worry if you don't have the right baby "gear". An old firend's mother (now very wealthy middle class) says her first born slept in a wooden draw straight after he was born as they were too poor to buy a crib! My children wear secondhand clothes. Make do while you make up your mind. Babies need very little despite what everyone tells you. They need to be warm, dry, fed on demand and loved by their mom! Take your time to make your decision, don't feel pressured. Ask the PAPs to give you a few weeks with baby. I am sure they will still want baby even if she is two or three months old. blessings

[Samonster]

its not that ive never concidered "keeping" her its just the fact that once i have her i feel as if ill be to head strong to let her go even though i could be going over board, i almost dont want to take that risk. im thankful for all of the input

is it normal to be scared?
even when you look at both options?

i dont want to regret what im about to do. in regards to keeping her what if i regret that and letting her go what if i regret that?, i knwo no one will or can give me the answers thats something ill knwo when i see her. just not knowing how ill react is eating me alive inside, im the kind of person that needs a plan i need to knwo whats going to happen how i will react when it happens, i hate being clueless and not knowing ( just like everyone else)

im meeting with her parents the 17th of this month and im still nervous i feel as though im not asking the right questions. is it all right to step out of line when meeting with these people?
I started writting letters to Opal when i was four months and reading them only seems to make it "feel" more real then talking about it

[taramayrn]

Originally Posted by Samonster

is it normal to be scared?
even when you look at both options?

You know it is totally normal to be scared. I can't imagine being in your shoes and not being scared. It's a hard decision to make (what an understatement) and the scary thing is that you can't see into the future to know if the decision is the right one.

[Samonster]

and that is truly the most chilling factor in all of this is i will never know untilll it is all said and done, because of this my faith in gad has suffered, i question him all the time and i knwo it sounds foolish, i do not blame him, but i am angry with him for not sheading any insight in this

[Samonster]

my days are numbered and im freaking out, and due to my stress, im losing weight, its not a good thing i feel as if ive created all my stress, self inflicted? i try and try to just "relax" but nothings working..if its not my friend, its my mother who is in detox at the moment i know shes where she needs to be but, when someone tells you not to worrie you do, just as if someone was to say "dont look!" what do you do? you look i know i need to focus on myself and my daughter, ive been thinking latley that if i dont think about myself nothing will go wrong, as in if i dont medle with myself nothing will go wrong..but things have gone wrong im running around in circles in my head and even in this post, im not sure what im trying to say anymore, my words are meaningless. im just sad, im not depressed, just sad.

i feel like ive been forced into this because of my life, my like has forced me to make all if not many of the choices ive made, but there i go again blaming this on something else, maybe the problem lies with me..
thats something i dont want to admit.

i know i should talk to someone with a degree in this sort of thing, ive tried they dont help, first i have to admit what my problem is befor i try to conqure anything else, if i realise this then why havent i changed? i have issues ive carried around with me sence my childhood and i think in a sick way she will have to go thru them, like i wouldnt ba able to protect her.. from what i know, from where ive been, what ive seen, i dont want her to be sheltered, i cant do that to her

Am i making any sence?
i dont think i am... i wish i knew what was wrong with today. there are things, reasons i will never admit to anyone not even myself and when i think about the truth, the honest truth, i turn my self off like some sort of switch. horrifyed, discusted and shocked at my train of thought

it makes me come to the conclusion that she would be better off if she never knew me..

[Marimar]

Hi darling.

You make sense do not worry .. You are worried and that is so understandable.. You are afraid ..
I am soo afraid that you will rush things because there is no one there to help you..
I am so afraid that there will no be anyone beside you who will be there for you when you need.

I was just thinking ? Do you have counceling it seems that you dont. Is there anyone that can help you..
Where are you? May be there are birthmoms in your area who can help you ..

I am so sorry for your situation.. Are you working ? Do you have any choice apart from relenquishing ? Do you have any resources in your area did
you make any research ?

I am so afraid that you will not have even small time with your child in the hospital or after since you seem you will not be able to stand for yourself and what you want.
I strongly advise you to spend some time with your child before you part.

I do not know.. How can we help you?

[julie23]

samonster.... i am both a birthmother... and an adoptive mother... you are going through the most difficult part of an unplanned pregnancy... there just isn't anything easy about becoming a mother... especially if you are unsure that you are going to be what is best for her....

i agree with what the others have said... if you have doubts... please reconsider. I felt forced into placing my daughter and I think it made it that much harder to deal with in the forever after.... and i mean forever after.

relinquishing a baby is forever... and there are not any guarantees... there are not any guarantees that adoptive parents will keep their promises... my relinquished daughters parents did not keep their promises... and this was extraordinarily painful... and compounded my grief and unhappiness... forever.

but if you truly think that taking this risk is better for the baby than your parenting... well, adoption can be a positive experience... we are one of many many adoptive families that DO keep promises... that do value and love the baby's birthmother... we send pictures... email... call... we even send birthday gifts to the half-siblings... and christmas, too... we would welcome visits, if she so chose!

but either way... whether you parent or place... your baby girl DOES deserve to know you.... she would NEVER be better off without knowing you... i promise you... no matter what mistakes you have made, those are in the past... and you are growing up every day... you will not always be in the position you are in today... today is transient. you will not be this person in ten years... or twenty. and your daughter does deserve to know her mother... so, if you pick adoption... please do lots and lots of research... and pick the family very very very wisely.... at least as much as is possible.... and stay in contact with your daughter...

[Samonster]

i knwo its not normal to cry when i read these things. your just helping but you all seem to be saying the same thing.. spend time with her, and i cant. I love her so much. its taken me forever to write these few lines my watering eyes make it hard to see the letters on the key board.
my life has done this to me, ive done this to myself, i dont have a place to live i have no car, i dont even have clothes for myself, she needs and will get better, i love her so much that i HAVE to let her go. i dont want to.
I keep telling everyone that im "fine"
im not and im not going to be, i dont want to let her go. ever, i want to be her mom..i dont knwo what i want

i think im so strong, but im a baby myself.
im so angry..
with my mother for not showing me how to be a mother.
at myself, i make my self sick
and at her father. who decided that some 40 year old woman and drugs were more important
sleeping at night ive never wanted his hands on my belly more. and i blame him for me not being able to be there.
in a sick way. im just so mad.
shell be here soon. im only happy when i think about her, this little being makes me smile, i cant even do that for myself,

my ****en life is to much to handle

i hold my belly and cry myself to sleep each night..

[kakuehl]

My dear, you are mistaken... it is normal to cry when you read things. (At least if it isn't, many of us are abnormal!) Even without the other stresses, the changes your body is going through right now, take their emotional toll. Your emotions are going to be all over the place (and yes that it normal). Hang in there. Talk to us... we've been where you are! (Many of us anyway.)

Unfortunately, regardless of your final decision, you will probably always have regrets. I was older than you are when I placed and frankly had more resources in my parents than you have. I chose adoption and I still feel (36 years later) that it was the best choice for D. I'm not always sure it was the best choice for me.

What kind of an adoption are you planning: a closed one where you will not see her again; a "semi-open" where the aparents will send updates and pictures; or a "fully" open one where you will get to visit with her occasionally and watch her grow and where she will get to know you. None of the options are easy and you relinquish the right to parent her.

Have you been getting counseling? Please do if you haven't. Have you explored the available resources if you choose to parent?

This may well be the hardest decision of your life. Please don't feel pushed to make your decision before you are ready.

[julie23]

samonster... you have to take care of yourself ... if you do not believe you can see her when she is born, then don't....

our daughters birthmother chose not to see the baby... she wanted the baby born, and whisked away... into our waiting arms... Actually, we had bonded so much by the time the baby was coming, she invited both my husband and I to be in the delivery room... i even cut the cord!

As a birthmother, my "gut instinct" was to tell her to reconsider... to encourage her to hold the baby... to say her good byes.... but i chose to remove myself and my agenda for what I thought was "best".... and allow her to make her own choices...

i could tell that she was determined to place her daughter for adoption... and that she did not want to risk changing her mind... she just knew she couldn't parent this baby...

and like kathy said... it's okay to cry. as a matter of fact, your situation is very very sad... it is very very difficult... it is super okay to cry... and to be angry.... just let yourself feel all those feelings...

have you looked into any community resources that might be able to assist?

julie

[Samonster]

i want a semi open as in picture i could not bare to see her. living. i want to hold her why wouldnt i? after nine months of having her in me i cant wait to meet her. im just afarid i wont let her go and get all "head strong" when shes placed in my arms, i knwo i need to focus on what is right for her and thats why im still going thrugh with this its just hard. i want to be the one who gives her a chance and be the one that she is with, her parents are wonderful people and i had dinner with them last night and i love them, that might sound sick but i do. there is just something about them that makes me feel at ease, i knwo in my heart she will make a great mom and he will be an amazing dad..
i just wish that i could give that to MY daughter and not have someone else give it to her and i think thats the hardest thing in all of this is i want to do this and i want to do that for her and i cant

my whole life i have been the backbone for everyone, everyone needed me and i was the support everyone needed, and now faced with something of my own i cant not support her and it confuses me on why i cant and why it would be so hard, it breaks my heart to think that i can help everyone else out but when it comes to my self im at a lose for words and thats when the anger sets in..

i just need help figuring my self out i think i need to talk to someone with a dregree in this sort of self confusement thing..

i know what i need to do i just dont want to..ill figure myself out sooner or later for now my daughter needs to be safe and i need to knwo that she will be okay

[calimomX3]

Like I have told you in PM's I don't even know you, yet your story has touched me and i feel like i know you. You are a strong and wonderful women, from what you have said the family you have choosen sound great. Wish I was closer to where you live, I would totally be there for you, even let you squeeze my hand and yell at me in the delivery room. PM anytime you need someone. You will be ok and I know you will do what you feel is right. Hang in there! HUGS!

[cetalley]

I hope that these post will help you in knowing what your journey will be like, no matter what choice you make. We have all made mistakes, doesn't matter of what kind..we just have, and still we have turned out to be pretty decent people. I know that you think things will never change for the better...they will! Just wait until that darling little girl is born...your whole world will at that moment feel RIGHT. When she lets out her 1st cry and you hold her in your arms...you will know what you ARE capable of. When and if you relinquish...it is forever! Please kepp coming and posting...if for no other reason than just to vent and let your feelings be known...these gals on here are a pretty smart group of people(and guys). We will be here for you no matter what....