[taramayrn]

Originally Posted by scoobydoo08

Raising a child is the most important job you will ever have in your life.You can't figure it out as you go.

You can't??? Hmm, that's one of the greatest peices of advice I've been given as a mom (expecting first parented baby any day) - not to worry the baby won't know if you don't know what you are doing and that you learn as you go.

[kakuehl]

I'm still learning as I go, LOL

[Samonster]

"scooby i enjoy reading what you have to say although i dont agree with a lot of the things you have to say, i was going to ignore you and not respond anything to what you had to say. but i got to thinking about one thing that you said " you cant just figure it out.."
i was 9 when i had to take care of my brother, I HAD TO FIGURE IT OUT!" that is all i will say about that because you would not be able to make any sence of my responce for the fact that the block some of my favorite words to use here!

ANYWAYS!

its been 17, well 18 days since ive seen her.
spending time with her has been dwindled down into hours.
how can i just spend hours with her?
i cant. court is the 17th and if i do not see her befor then i will not go to court and i WILL make that a known fact!
ive held to much in ive taken alot of my words out i let somethings happen that i didnt want to happen
i will not settle for seeing her after that date.
Simply it will be a no on the 17th if i do not see her

im tired of feeling this way because of not seeing her

just so you all know, im going thru with this, just as you might all know that i dont want to do this, i have listened to my heart and my head but whats telling me to do this is something ive never heard befor..

thats why its been so hard, i couldnt hear it.

i want to see her while shes still mine, in all aspects of her ever being mine, it wont be the same after the 17th more painful im expecting.

And i NEED to know for sure, that this is what has to be done. that this, lets say "energy" is telling me the truth that its not some guilty bull **** coming through...

i need to conferm my doubt by seeing my daughters face, her eyes, i need to hold her again. oh to feel her would be so amazing right now..

as much as i dont want letters and prossed images in envelopes that is what ill settle for if that means shell have a better life


i will eventually fall alseep tonight this was harder to wirte then i thought
i just cant do this anymore, this whole crying thing,

it starting to hurt.
do more harm then good..crying is supposed to make you feel better, its only making me feel worse
and i know that she probably wants me and probably wonders where i am and why she doesnt remember anyone elses voice..struggling to hear mine, and im no where to be found.

but she will forget


she will forget

[Boulderbabe]

Sam,

Nobody can really tell you what decision is the right one to make here. You've got to go with your gut. But here are some of the things I know for 100% certain about parenting:

1) If you're ready to make your child your absolutely top priority---with nobody and nothing more important--then you're ready to parent.

2) Everybody figures it out as you go along. There are a lot of good books that can help, and you can get good advice on the forums. But in the end, we all just muddle through it, doing the very best we can.

3) No parent is perfect. You don't have to be perfect, either.

4) Maybe it is ideal to have a two parent family. I don't know. I've really never been in one. But I do know that there is a special and really intense bond between a single mom and a single child. It's different than the relationship that grows up in families with more people, but it's sure not any worse. For some kids, it's probably even better.

If you're willing to commit yourself to Opal, if you're willing to put her safety and well-being ahead of anything else in your life, you can be a great mom. You just have to look in your heart and decide if you can make that enormous commitment.

[bromanchik]

Samonster,

Why are you not able to see her? Please call me if they are giving you a hard time. You should be able to see her as much as you like. You are her legal parent and her mother.

Also, PLEASE, go to court, but do not sign. If you don't show up they may take other action. Tell the judge they have not let you see your baby. Come prepared to take the baby home/ A car seat, diapers, some onsies, sleepers, formula... that's all you need. If you need help getting that together, call me.

[Cjmeck]

Sam,

I have been reading your story, but haven't posted yet. I'm not a birthparent. But I was a child who grew up in poverty. As I've read your posts, I wonder if you are afraid that Opal will grow up like you did. Sam, it doesn't have to be like it was for you. If you are mentally healthy, and if you put Opal first always; then you will find a way to raise her. And she won't care if she grows up in section 8 housing, on foodstamps, welfare, WIC. She won't care if her mom doesn't have a car, buys her clothes at goodwill, has to take a bus, or has to get food from a foodbank. She won't care if people from the church bring them food, clothes and toys for Christmas. All of these things will make her stronger, more determined, more thankful and giving. Because Sam, these things don't have to permanent. They don't. You know there are programs for food, housing, childcare, healthcare, right? Myself and my 3 siblings may have endured some hard times as chilldren, but we carry no scars because of it. It has only made us stronger. It doesn't have to be like it has been for you. It doesn't. Our mom loved us more than anything, put us first always, and we are all very close still.
I don't want to guilt you into parenting or anything. Only to know that you don't need THINGS to be a good parent. Love is enough.

[RavenSong]

Originally Posted by scoobydoo08

Raising a child is the most important job you will ever have in your life.You can't figure it out as you go. Don't you think your child deserves a mother & a father? I know that you will make the rigt decision,but either way it will be the hardest thing you ever do but the rewards are many.

Scoobydoo, I totally disagree with you 100 percent. The sentences that I've bolded in your above statement really bug me. "You can't figure it out as you go." -- Really?? And tell me, how is it that mothers of first-born children have figured it out as they've gone along for thousands and thousands of years? No woman is ever born with a child-raising book implanted in her brain. Parents of first-born children often don't have a clue in the beginning...they learn as they go.

As far as the child deserving both a mother and a father, please spare me. That statement has been used for generations to justify pressuring unwed mothers into placing their babies for adoption. And it's a false statement. There are many, many children who have been raised to be healthy, functioning adults by single mothers. Some have even gone on to be President of the United States. Should women who lose their husbands to war or accidents be encouraged to place their newborn infants for adoption? Should divorced parents just relinquish their children, so they'll have a two-parent home? Many single people have adopted newborns, for heaven's sake. Not many families in the 21st Century are like the Cleaver family of the 1950's on "Leave It to Beaver". And to be honest, I don't think the Cleaver family ever really existed, except on television.

[RavenSong]

Originally Posted by Boulderbabe

Sam,

Nobody can really tell you what decision is the right one to make here. You've got to go with your gut. But here are some of the things I know for 100% certain about parenting:

1) If you're ready to make your child your absolutely top priority---with nobody and nothing more important--then you're ready to parent.

2) Everybody figures it out as you go along. There are a lot of good books that can help, and you can get good advice on the forums. But in the end, we all just muddle through it, doing the very best we can.

3) No parent is perfect. You don't have to be perfect, either.

4) Maybe it is ideal to have a two parent family. I don't know. I've really never been in one. But I do know that there is a special and really intense bond between a single mom and a single child. It's different than the relationship that grows up in families with more people, but it's sure not any worse. For some kids, it's probably even better.

If you're willing to commit yourself to Opal, if you're willing to put her safety and well-being ahead of anything else in your life, you can be a great mom. You just have to look in your heart and decide if you can make that enormous commitment.

Sam, I've quoted Boulderbabe's post in its entirety because I think it says some very basic, very important things. Please read it, and then re-read it. I think she sums it all up really well.

Like Brenda, I'm extremely concerned about why you are not being allowed to see your daughter. If the agency or PAPs are stopping you from seeing Opal, please be sure to call Brenda. She'll be able to help you... She's good people, Sam. Please trust her.

[Samonster]

after hours of stating that i would not go to court unless i saw her first and demanding that i see her.

i finally get to see her tomorrow, well today its been 19 days, its sad that i count the days, its all i can do

the count down will then again start "tomorrow" i fear it will be longer this time..

i have to see her for she is the only one who can conferm what is right, yes my heart will have to take the back seat yet again.

tomorrow will be a horriable day and i know this..
the 29th all over again. its so **** hard walking away

i knwo that i dont have to do it again, but if she tells me other wise then i will

i have put her safty first, ive stayed sober after my pregnancy (very hard by the way)
i was sober the WHOLE time i was pregnant.
i would kill for Opal i would do anything for her
even this..
letting her go, i know that i am her mother and i will always be
but that voice is telling well be better off.
it doesnt get much in to it its just better off.

i hope that one day when i look at her pictures i will not cry but smile and when i look in the mirror i will not hate the person i see but i will give this poor girl a break

ive been searching for peace my whole life
i tasted it, i felt it, i loved it

then i walked away
after ive come all this way im willing to give up now

nothing will fill me the way she did. nothing could ever compare to the love i felt, i was simply amazing
i cant wait for tomorrow, i cant wait to see her.
i cry just thinking about it. i get so happy. and nervous.
i will get no sleep athough i should

i just want to stop being broken, so if i make this offical maybe it wont hurt so much.
then there will be NOTHING i can do about it

think about what i just said befor you write a responce
if theres nothing that i can do about it, it will just hurt
i wont have to decide anymore...

ill just hurt
im fine with that, i think iam

[kakuehl]

Sweetheart,
I hear your pain, while I too have relinquished a child, I can't say that I have walked in your shoes, because our stories are very different. I can tell you that the pain doesn't end when the papers are signed. You may have peace, if you are certain this is the right decision, but it will still hurt. (Even though I know I made the right decision, 36 years later there is still pain.) Have you talked with Brenda (Bromanchik) as several people have urged? It really does help to talk with a counselor who understands adoption. She is an incredible resource.

I'm glad you have remained sober... I know that's very hard choice and one that must be made every day. If you do place (or if you don't) please continue the struggle, for Opal's sake, if not your own. Become the person Opal can be proud to proclaim, "that's my mother!"

I know you are in great pain now, but you are obviously a very strong young woman. I will continue to pray that you may be filled with peace.

[RavenSong]

I'm a bit confused about why you're being given deadlines to go to court. Are you placing Opal through an attorney, not an agency? It is my understanding, and I know that in my case it was true, that you can sign the relinquishment papers when YOU want to sign them. I went thru a county agency, though, not a private adoption attorney.

Is Opal in the adoptive home now, or is she in "cradle care"? Who is the person deciding if and when you can see her? And why are you being required to sign the relinquishment papers on a certain date specified by somebody else??

Sam, I'm going to be honest with you. And I'm going to speak to you the same way I would if you were my very own daughter. You may be right--adoption may very well be the best option for the both of you. BUT I want to make sure that you have been counseled in a compassionate, realistic manner...not pressured in the name of the "best interests" of the baby.

If you were my daughter, I would dial the darn phone for you and get Brenda on the other end of the line. Not because I want you to change your mind, but because I want you to explore all your options. I want you to be aware of what your rights and responsibilities are, and what resources and services are available to you.

I would want to make sure that you aren't making this decision on the basis of how much you've been hurt in life, how much you suffered as a child. When I placed my son for adoption, a big part of the reason was so he wouldn't go through what I had gone through as a child. Sam, he went through it anyway. He grew up with much of the same pain and problems that I had grown up with. There is no promise that an adoptive home is a better home. Hopefully, it will be...but there is no guarantee.

If you were my daughter, I would sit down with you and wrap my arms around you. Because I can see your pain, Sam...I can hear it...and I can read it between the lines. I would sit down with you and discuss how you're feeling about all this. I would discuss with you what your needs and best interests are, as well as Opal's.

I do understand what you mean about once you sign those papers, you won't be caught in that limbo anymore of indecision. You're right--you will not be able to change your mind after the revocation period is up, if you have such a time period in your state. I understand it, Sam, because that's what I did when I signed the surrender papers. Here in California, a mother could not sign the relinquishment papers until she was out of the hospital, at least back in 1972. I waited exactly one hour after I was discharged from the hospital before I walked into the adoption agency. I signed those papers before I could change my mind. I knew myself pretty well when I was young, and I knew that if I sat around over the upcoming weekend, I would want to bring my son home. So that Friday afternoon at 1:00 p.m., I walked into my caseworker's office, and signed the relinquishment papers.

You're right... I no longer felt like I was being torn in two. I had made my decision, and there was no rescinding it possible. It does not take away the pain, though. I wish my mother had talked to me that day, before I walked into the agency. I wish, wish, wish that she would have advised me to consider all my options before signing the relinquishment papers.

Even if you do decide to relinquish Opal for adoption, please talk to someone who has experience with this birthmother stuff, someone who can help you through this painful time. You can't do this alone, Sam. I tried doing it all alone, and it almost killed me a few years later.

I am so proud of your decision to stay sober, one day at a time. If you would like to talk about it all, please don't hesitate to PM me. I can steer you to some great Twelve-Step programs and books. You don't have to stay sober the rest of your life...you just need to stay sober one day at a time, one hour at a time if need be. And you don't have to do that alone, either.

[kakuehl]

I second everything Raven said. Please listen to her! And know that we are here for you, no matter what you ultimately choose.

[calimomX3]

Sam you know i think you are a wonderful and strong women. I don't know what to do or say to you. Just know I care. hugs to you and be kind to yourself. Much Love~Jen

[JustPeachy]

Sam, I don't have any words of wisdom for you, just wanted to say I was thinking about you and sending hugs your way.

[scoobydoo08]

Sam,
First let me clarify "you can't figure it out as you go" that was a reference to having a "plan" and that is not raising a child during the daily rountine activities, that is the bigger picture... college etc.
I am a product of a 2 parent home. Poor we were. I am the oldest. Life has been a struggle. I knew when I found out I was pregnant that I needed to have a plan, not just and try and "figure" it out along the way. I am a little over a year from placing my child for adoption. It hurts at times but I know he is where he needs to be. Now my "partner" is from a single parent home, that is when he mom was around. He also grew up poor. We wanted more for our son. It was easy to choose to parent him but that was because of what we wanted. I wanted to give you another side but truly, you are the "only" one who knows what you are capable of doing. One thing that I did to help me make my decision was I listed all the pros and cons of adoption versus parenting. I also made my decision without outside influence, because you are the one who has to live with the decision, whichever choice you choose. As a closing note, my bestfriend, who couldn't place a child for adoption, stood my me even though she didn't approve of my decision. That is a friend in the truest form. PLEASE don't misunderstand my concern for your situation with coldness. I wish you the best of luck in your future challenges. Pray that you will be guided to make the right decision for both you and Opal......