[calimomX3]

Oh Sam I am so sorry, I hurt for you. My eyes teared up when I read your post. I don't know what to tell you. I dont even know what to say..I think of you often and wonder how you are. I am sorry you are hurting is all I can say. Hugs!

[bromanchik]

Originally Posted by Samonster

i miss her so much..
my heart is breaking.

Oh Samonster, I know that feeling all too well.

If you really believe that she belongs with you, is there a way to make that work? There are programs. I am sending you my work number. Call me if you want me to help you look into the possibilities.

[JustPeachy]

i knew this was going to hurt.
i just never thought it would hurt this much.
i underestimated the whole situation.

I totally understand, as I was in the very same place many years ago. I knew it would be hard, but never thought it would hurt so much. Sam, I'm so sorry you are going through this right now. I wish I had answers for you! But I cannot tell you what to do. I placed my son despite the difficulty, and I believe for both of us it was the right thing to do at the time. I can't tell you that you would feel the same way. Only you can decide. Please take all the time you need and explore all options before making it final.

[RavenSong]

Sam, please, please, please call Brenda and talk things over before signing those papers.

Your words and feelings that you've expressed so painfully here bring up so many memories for me. I had forgotten that feeling of emptiness after I left the hospital without my baby son. It's hard enough getting used to not being nine months pregnant, but with the milk coming in? That was a horrible reminder each and every day of what I had lost. I always wondered if my son was crying to be fed whenever my milk started leaking.

Please talk to Brenda, and see if there are any options for you. We care...a lot. Please keep posting here. We can't tell you what to do. But we can certainly help you not feel so alone. God bless, and take care of yourself...be gentle with yourself.

[sstuart]

Sam,
Please call Brenda! I am one of those people who has always done the right thing. But it was the right thing in whose eyes?? This does not sound right for you, please call and find out your options!!

[dawnrenee58]

Oh honey. I want you to be a mommy so much right now. You do not sound ready to place. My heart is absolutely breaking for you right now. I hope you find peace one way or the other.

[dpen6]

sam,

I am thinking of you and hope you are availing of all the help you can.

Ill bet she was the prettiest baby in the nursery and am so glad you were able to spend time with her. I hope you have been able to take care of yourself, you need to eat, sleep so you can make your decision knowing you were at least physically strong.

Again, I am thinking of you and wish you some peace.

[cetalley]

I have been so busy in the fields trying to get late beans combined, I have not had a chance to check in on you. I am so happy you had a beautiful happy healthy daughter, Opal most definately is a gem. I hope you will read your last post, and read it over and over again. You will see that even though you think you are doing the right thing...this may not be so , after all. Your feeling show anything but being SURE. Your hormones are way out of whack, and no-one can make a healthy decisin when it is like this. Take your daughter and spend time with her...no one else, and when the signing date comes, if you can WHOLE- HEARTEDLY, let her go ...then YOU will know it was right. I am willing to bet , that MOST Firstmoms on these boards wish they could go back and do so. Most of us were told nothing of this being an option, and I am sure they have told you , BASICALLY the same. Who is THIS better for? If you think this is tough, give 18+ more years. Sure the pain lessens but your heart is left with an empty hole tha will NEVER be filled. Most of us Firstmoms, will admit to this being so. Unless you are abusive, a drug addict, and a horribly mean person...you ARE CAPABLE and able to keep Opal. You and only you can decide. Am I being pushy...yes. Am I hoping to see you do what is best for your daughter...yes. I just think ALL of us want was is best for our children, I just think that what is best, is she knows and bonded ONLY with you. Opal noe knows she is grieving and confused for her Mommy. She is , because it can be no other way. Yes, she will eventually bond with a new , good Mommy, but she at this time only knows the Mommy she bonded with, is a good Mommy and she doesn't know where you are....Please take her and spend the next week or so with her, then You WILL make an INFORMED decision. I only want the best for OPAL. I know you are a good Mommy, loving , caring, and wonderful person, who can raise her child, and overcome ALL you have endured. I am so happy to have gotten to know you, and I also know, that no matter what...you will make the right choice. Just try not to think of her future parents, or anything else...just ask yourself...what would Opal tell you...if she could talk...this will be your RIGHT answer. All ELSE WILL FOLLOW.

[Samonster]

if Opal could speak, I hope to God she would tell me that she loved me and that I was a good home for nine months..
spending time with her.. i dont know if that is even an option..sure i could see her but for how long could i handle just seeing her..no i dont think i could but i dont care..

and your all right..

im not ready to do this
in fact i dont want to do this..
honestly i dont think i EVER wanted to do this...

now do i break my heart, or two hearts?
how could i do this to her parents
(i never liked the fact the i care way to much..)

id rather suffer..
but i miss my baby, i never told anyone and youd never quess..i always wanted a baby, my very own baby..
i just look at her pictures and scream inside

im depressed (hahah.. duh)

i havent even taken off my hospital braclet yet i dont think im going to and its water proof so i really dont see the need in it coming off anyways....

I need her way more then she needs me..so whats stoping me.. any one want to answer that, i sure cant..
from the second i saw her i saw our lifes flash befor my eyes. how wonderful the idea of being a mum is and she didnt cry once.. maybe for a second and no it wasnt piercing and annoying she just wanted to be held a little closer...

i think about her all the time
i broke down crying in koles yesterday looking at frames that said "baby" "grandma" "mother"
*sigh*
how hard everythings become and im seeing babies EVERYWHERE and i feel like a loser..not the dopy kind the one who didnt finish the race...

so last night im not sure if this was a dream or it really happened so im speaking for both..

i placed my hands on my belly where her little bum used to be where i always felt her wiggle..and i swear i felt it move not just once.. a sweet smile a sigh of relief my baby was back with me and i was fast asleep


it was a dream a painful dream.

i need my baby because she was the first persom to make me smile in years i mean really smile out of pure happiness..
i need my baby because i dont have a family..
i need my baby because im sure she needs me
i need my baby because i cant stop crying
because i need to tell my slef to stop saying not to cry
because i love her
because she loves me...

and i knwo that deep down i will sign that paper work the 17th
and that why i cant stop crying

[kakuehl]

Sam,
Have you called Brenda? You really don't sound like you should sign those papers! It's hard enough to do when you're sure it's the best thing, when you have a family that loves you as mine did. 36 years later, I have the joy of watching D's children grow up. It's a joy, but also a sorrow because it points out that I missed these milestones with him.

I resonate with the wanting a baby. I always wanted children. Placing D only made the need worse. It affected all my decisions including who I married and when. I drove my poor husband nuts with my need for another child. I don't know if I would ever have quit having children (ok... menopause) if DH had agreed. I do know that no matter how many I had, D would still have been missing. That hole in my heart was only healed 3 years ago.

Do recognize that in the midst of everything else you may be dealing with a bit of postpartum depression. Are you talking to a counselor? It really can help (been there!)

[RavenSong]

Sam, you need more time to make this decision. You DO NOT have to sign those papers on Dec. 17th. There is no gun to your head, saying that you have to sign them on that particular day.

Please, I beg you, for your own peace of mind, please call Brenda and at least talk to her about what's going on.

If you're having such huge doubts, you really need to rethink this whole thing, IMO. I don't think you're in the right frame of mind right now to sign those papers, I really don't.

If you want to be Opal's mommy deep down inside, then please think about doing just that. It's okay to change your mind at this point. There are programs and resources that can help you, at least until you're on your feet financially wise.

Please, make that call to Brenda. She's offered to help you, to talk with you. Please take her up on it....

[Boulderbabe]

Sam,

It sounds like you're really not ready to place. Can you go and get your baby, and get some help parenting her?

Single parenting is really tough, but it can be done. (And sometimes, it's a heck of a lot of fun). There are lots of resources out there that can help you do it. I'm a single mom, and I'd be happy to share whatever tips, tricks, and resources I can. PM me if you'd like help or encouragement.

[dpen6]

Sam, Please call Brenda.

Maybe your afriad she will talk you into something or out of something but I suspect she will just help you navigate the whole thing.

Sam, you have to many peole caring about you right here on these forums, reach out for the help you need! You have the time to make decsions but you need to get yourself in the right frame of mind to acxtually make them. Maybe you need to eat betterm maybe you need to talk to someone, maybe you need a temoprary antidepressant but whatever it is....take the first step/

Call BRenda...pleeeeeeessssse

[bromanchik]

Originally Posted by dpen6

Maybe your afraid she will talk you into something or out of something but I suspect she will just help you navigate the whole thing.

dpen6 is right. I have no vested interest in what you decide. I don't want to talk you into anything. I just want you to make a fully informed choice. I want yourdecision to be based on knowing all your options.

I know how much you are hurting. We could just talk about that, and ways to deal with that pain. It just sounds to me like you need more contact than a keyboard and a computer screen can give you.

[cetalley]

Originally Posted by Samonster

if Opal could speak, I hope to God she would tell me that she loved me and that I was a good home for nine months..
spending time with her.. i dont know if that is even an option..sure i could see her but for how long could i handle just seeing her..no i dont think i could but i dont care..

and your all right..

im not ready to do this
in fact i dont want to do this..
honestly i dont think i EVER wanted to do this...

now do i break my heart, or two hearts?
how could i do this to her parents
(i never liked the fact the i care way to much..)

id rather suffer..
but i miss my baby, i never told anyone and youd never quess..i always wanted a baby, my very own baby..
i just look at her pictures and scream inside

im depressed (hahah.. duh)

i havent even taken off my hospital braclet yet i dont think im going to and its water proof so i really dont see the need in it coming off anyways....

..
from the second i saw her i saw our lifes flash befor my eyes. how wonderful the idea of being a mum is and she didnt cry once.. maybe for a second and no it wasnt piercing and annoying she just wanted to be held a little closer...

i think about her all the time
i broke down crying in koles yesterday looking at frames that said "baby" "grandma" "mother"
*sigh*
how hard everythings become and im seeing babies EVERYWHERE and i feel like a loser..not the dopy kind the one who didnt finish the race...

so last night im not sure if this was a dream or it really happened so im speaking for both..

i placed my hands on my belly where her little bum used to be where i always felt her wiggle..and i swear i felt it move not just once.. a sweet smile a sigh of relief my baby was back with me and i was fast asleep


it was a dream a painful dream.

i need my baby because she was the first persom to make me smile in years i mean really smile out of pure happiness..
i need my baby because i dont have a family..
i need my baby because im sure she needs me
i need my baby because i cant stop crying
because i need to tell my slef to stop saying not to cry
because i love her
because she loves me...

and i knwo that deep down i will sign that paper work the 17th
and that why i cant stop crying

Sam, I hope you are getting some better rest....You are so so wrong IF you think you need her way more than she needs you! That darling little girl, is wondering where HER mommy is right now, I can assure you of that. I do not know if OPAL is with the potential parents now, until you sign, or if she is in foster-care. Either way, she has only known you for 9 months...YOUR scent, YOUR voice, YOUR touch. Go get your daughter and spend a few days, without any thoughts of what you should do or should not do, you will know at that point, and if you still relinquish, you will have done so with a clear head and a clear heart....it is NEVER too late until you sign those papers. Yes, you may hurt the potential parents, but THEY are aware that when a child is born, the MOM may change her mind...so do not let that stop you....I send this with hopes of not getting a new member to the FIRSTMOMS CLUB.....and hopes that OPAL will get the ONLY thing she has loved ...back.