[julie23]

how do you walk the same?
how do you sleep the same?
how do you breath the same?
once there gone..
how do you fit in your clothes?
do you still try and look good?
how do you eat not for two anymore?
how do you remember?
do you try and forget?
once there gone?

for me.... nothing was ever "the same" again.... i think even my DNA changed....

how can you walk the same.... when a life has passed through your body into the world?

sleep... maybe... but nightmares ... restlessness.

many bitter tears in the dark cover of night. a pillow muffling the sobs.

nothing was ever the same again....

for me... the pain of remembering was all i had to hang on to... and i clung to the memories... few that there were.

and the agony of trying to forget.... to try to find peace.

but... samonster... for me, i walked alone.... truly, completely alone... there was no one who understood... there was no one who helped me grieve...

and i lived in a constant state of grief.... for too many years.

and then i found this place... i found others. others like me. and the amazing relief, of no longer walking alone....

and my grieving got "unstuck"... and the healing began.

this was 15 years after placing... you are very much ahead of me... you have many hands here... to hold you through this...

and now.... 22 years after placing... there is a certain amount of healing... it isn't raw anymore... it isn't a gaping hole in my heart.... a scar? yes... certainly...

sadness... yes. but i had a semi-open adoption that was closed by the adoptive parents right off the bat... and now, i have a failed reunion behind me... and my daughter is no longer a part of my life...

so yes... disappointment... sadness...

but it isn't a throbbing pain anymore...

and even in the midst of everything you have just read... 22 years after placing my daughter for adoption... I am raising FOUR amazing daughters (not one of them replaced her, as most moms will tell you)... i have a strong and wonderful marriage... i have a college degree, but am a stay at home mom...

in the midst of the pain... and grief... and sadness... and healing... my life did move forward..... and i did find much happiness, success and love....

there is hope after relinquishing... there is life after placing....

[calimomX3]

Wish you weren't so far away I feel sosad to hear you have no one to be with you while you deliver her. Please keep posting how you feel, it may help you. We are all hear for you

[ab1993]

I completely sympathize with your position. I was 18 and pregnant also. I had an open adoption where I, like you, selected my son's adoptive parents. There were periods where I questioned my decision even after the birth. Ultimately I know I made the best decision possible. My son (it is still hard for me to refer to him as that) will be 14 in about ten minutes . I wish you the best of luck. I am currently writing a book on adoption and would love to speak with you about your experience. Please feel free to email me directly as well. Again, best of luck to you. Go with your instinct is the best advice I can give you.

[Samonster]

im at a loss for words.
im taking birthing classes, which are freaken me out even more!
its getting unbareable when people ask me when im due with a huge smile on there face and ask what im having blah blah blah
no of my friends know what im doing, my friends back home so ive called this upon my self when they say they want pictures and get happy about it. i cant tell you why i havent told any of them.. they dont need to know
i so happy to meet her, i cant wait, i dont want to.
i wish i could not care SO much, with still caring but not have issuse effect as they do
i knwo for me things will not get easy, i wont allow my self to feel "okay"
and this is my battle that i have to face within
i dont give myself enough credit, i like to beat my self up.
going to councling, uhhhh i dont knwo its never really worked out for me in the past, i say thats what i think i need but i know thats not what i want or in my head what i need to do.
because of the influence of my mother and father i was tought many things that now i dont think should have been neaten into my head..
i was not allowed to cry or express my feelings, councling was out of the question. i dont knwo how to cope like everyone else
it will seem as if notihngs wrong
i will not allow my self the proper way to grive this will hit me years down the road
when my father died, i did not cry, i did not ask why, i moved on that same day as if i got news that milk has rotted
now a few years later i do not know what to do.
with my self, my feelings my life, about his death
this happened on Christmas of 07
so i can only imagin how AMAZING this christmas will be for me last year was horriable to be honest i dont remember it at all

[cetalley]

When is your due date? I still think you WILL know what to do when Opal comes into this huge world. A world that has dissappointed you, will not be the world that Opal sees. She will see an amazing Mom...whom loves her with ALL that she is...only then will you know. I promise this! Keep coming and let us know how you are feeling...is she moving more...has she dropped so low that you can't hardly walk...tell us. there is nothing wrong with enjoying these amazing experiences. Try not to be so hard on yourself...we all look back and see the what ifs...the whys...but in the end nothing can be gained from that. We just have to take all that we have lived and the experienc of all those life journeys...put them into the future. I have always told my son(he is 29) and I still do tell him..."It is only a mistake IF we do not learn from it...It is a lesson IF we do!" Lots of HUGS TODAY AND TOMORROW...AND WHENEVER YOU NEED ANOTHER..COMEHERE

[calimomX3]

Sam how r u doing? u r getting close to your due dat. hope u are doing well, let us know

[Samonster]

actually im having a c-section the 28th of this month.. yeah haha i think, well i knwo ill be okay, ikeep writing here but ill need my time to cope so to say. im ready as ill ever be for this

i still believe in what im doing is "right" if i have doubts i will vocalize them i understand not to feel guilty for her parents if i change my mind i know this is my daughter and i have to do what ever my heart tells me.

ive become humble these past few days im trying not to freak out and just let the days roll by, its pointless to keep freaking out i have the rest of my life to do that for now i think i owe it to myself to just calm down and let my body rest


thank you all of you for your words and your compassion for you are the ones who helped me on my journey its sounds funny but iam thankful that i found this sight and that there are woman out there who are caring its nice to knwo that this whole world isnt full of mean people

[JustPeachy]

Samonster, I'll be thinking of you on the 28th and hope that everything goes well for you. I'm glad to hear you are feeling calmer overall and allowing yourself to rest a bit. Best wishes to you and remember to be good to yourself and give yourself all the time you need!!

[bromanchik]

We'll all be sending you warm thoughts on the 28th. If you want I will send you my phone so you can call and talk to me if you want.

[calimomX3]

Hi Sam~

Glad to hear you are trying to rest...I will be thinking of you on the 28th..Remember one thing, this is "your" baby girl if you see her and your heart tells you that you can not let someone else raise her, then you take her home with you. DO NOT feel guilty or worried how the adoptive parents will be, this is a choice YOU have to make on your own. I wish you the best, u are smart, you will do what is right..Much love and hugs!!!

[kakuehl]

We have become your family, I hope. Please keep us posted as you are able. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

[quantum]

Hang in there Sam! You'll be ok.
And I had a c-section with my older daughter, I thought it was quite ok.
At least you're able to walk a bit easier than after a natural birth. ;-)

Thinking of you!

[Samonster]

i cant wait to meet this little one.. maybe after the birth i could get some picture up here.. hmm i dont knwo if this site allows pictures but ill have them on my myspace so ill inform you guys if i happen to post that stuff online

rest, rest, rest this will be my last post for the next couple of days, i know things will go well and everything that is ment to happen will happen thank you again for the support for this part of my journey im sure this will not be the end for this is only the start!

Ill get back to this when I can

[kakuehl]

Dear Sam you are in my heart and prayers.

[Samonster]

so the 28th of last month held many emotions..the hospital saty was horriable well night time was, deciding what was right spend her frist night with her or feel guilty for her parents..i
spent the night with her..
i did not get any sleep at the hospital, i didnt want to miss a thing.
i feel as though there was so much more i could have done so much more i could have said...
my time with her was not enough but
my moments with her were amazing
i miss her so much..
my heart is breaking.
im not sure what to do with myself
I was pregnant for nine months and have nothing to show for myself but a belly in pain draped with a scar and breast filled with milk for no one to consume
i feel empty. alone. and very unsure with what exactly to do with myself.
i cry at any given moment, i smoke to many cigarettes and wonder if i need her in my life.
my court date to make this offical is the 17th.
now faced with another impossiable decision
do i say goodbye forever? or bring her back where she belongs?
I know i did the "right" thing
my heart doesnt think that.
i miss my Opal, i miss her so much. i feel like im waiting to die now.
just waiting. without my baby.

she smelled wonderful and was beautiful more then i thought she would be.
she was soft. and looked just like me. my baby.
my mental pain makes the physical worse and vic versa
I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO NOW
I simply dont
i dont want to call the shots anymore
i dont want to be in control
i dont want this decision
i dont want to be looked to for the answer, i dont knwo and thats not good enough.
i cant just say i dont know i HAVE to know. and then i have to figure out why i "dont" knwo

right now i want my baby. tomorrow imgoing to want my baby. shes mine.

i keep telling my self i did the right thing.
i did the right thing

i knew this was going to hurt.
i just never thought it would hurt this much.
i underestimated the whole situation.

the pain of contractions and my breast filling up with milk is crule. simply put. crule.