[Samonster]

So it seems in life in order to get one thing done you need to do twenty other things and in other cases you have to get one thing done and you find out that there are twenty things you must do in order to get that one goal done. It seems that in my life ( which has shone me no different) things are not easy for sam and that they will never be easy for sam.
im always delt the crappest hand of cards over and over again, just to be told am ungreatful and that i dont apprecate anything that comes my way.
and this is hard for me to swallow on the grounds that ive never had anything come my way, i have to look for it or go out and get it which if fine ive always done that

i knwo im straying waay off topic of this whole forum but i cant seem to make any sence anywhere else but here (kinda sad if you ask me)
Im not asking for a hand out, not even a helping hand anymore, it seems like thats to much to ask for now..
i just need the people who are physically around me to understand.. this is not a hard request, i knwo that, so why do people make me feel that i am asking for an extreme?
It not bad enough that I have to go through this stress alone and have no one to shoulder the burden
(not my daughter of sorrow) with. im just really asking not to be lonely anymore and im tired of becoming less important to the people around me its like
"okay sam has this issue, but this or that comes up.."
sam has got to go when she never asked to be there in the first place she was offered.. i hate when people go back on there word.. i makes me ****en sick..
i feel walked on
i feel washed up
i feel used up
i feel so angry
and all those happy fun feelings!

i wish someone told me my life would end up this way, i would have done something about it..
the wonderful side effects of being pregnant!
happy one moment, sad crying like a baby and ready to break someones face the next... i wish someone told me this would happen that id have to go through all this and then some more just to get done what needs to be done

after this pregnancy I WILL burn some bridges that i will never cross ever again for my own sake, i dont knwo why im so scard to be alone when ive been alone for eighteen years
i think its the idea of not being alone that i like but thats all it is.. it IS the idea, no one can help me but myself and i knwo this.. i honestly dont need anyone
i never have, people just feel bad for me so they take me in and then they realize that " hey i really dont want to do this, or blah blah blah, i had no idea it would be like this.." i dont knwo..

i just want to be important
it DOES hurt when you continue to continue to become less important..

if ive confused any of you it was not my intention i just need to vent and verbalizing my input does nothing. writing helps.

cause you will read and YOUR input will not be heard

for anyone who actually read this
I knwo it might not make sence to anyone but youll probably get bits and pieces, im just all over the place right now and my thoughts are scarted.. i just need to get it out not all of it just the jist of it..

[kakuehl]

I'm glad it helps to write out your thoughts. This is a place where almost all of us come to vent at one time or another. I can't say that I understand everything you have written. What I can tell you is that even in the best of times the hormones that are unleashed by pregnancy send the emotions all over the place.

Darling, if I read your posts correctly you are eighteen. You have lots of years left to change the direction of your life. All of us need to feel important to someone. Right now you are very important to that life growing within you. I hope you never doubt that. I don't know the particulars of what's happening for you right now. Have you gone to a crisis pregnancy center? I have no clue what resources are available to you where you are. I'm sorry this is being such a rough time for you. I can tell you that it's been 36 years since I placed my first born for adoption. Life does go on and it can even be good. Try not to give up hope.

[Samonster]

hah yeah im 18 and i knwo there is nothing i can do about the current situation ive gotten myself into i knwo that my daughter needs me, to be honest i think i need her more then she needs me, its sad how im trying to lean on my baby.
i know that one day i will be "important" to someone and thats what everyone trys to do is become important or stay important
i know that for a very long time i will be lonely and no one will be able to fill that void in my heart, so i will push people away. there for i will be lonely.
i dont knwo im trying to say what exactly the future has in store for me, i dont knwo that for a fact. thats just how i feel now. im just really confused

Hence the thread "I'm confused"
ugh
my post are run arounds and i feel that as the days go on im no longer making much sence

[dpen6]

sam,

Yo uare making fine sense...just as your thread is named you are confused. With good reason. Like Kathy said you are 18 and have your whole life to figure it out. Well, speaking as an oldie you will figure some things out and just get more confused about others....its called life!!! LOL.

Do you havesupport in place? Have you been seeing a doctor?

It will straighten out. You can start by taking care of yourself first, once that is on its way you take the next step. One step at a time....

[cetalley]

[=Samonster]hah yeah im 18 and i knwo there is nothing i can do about the current situation ive gotten myself into i knwo that my daughter needs me, to be honest i think i need her more then she needs me, its sad how im trying to lean on my baby.
i know that one day i will be "important" to someone and thats what everyone trys to do is become important or stay important
i know that for a very long time i will be lonely and no one will be able to fill that void in my heart, so i will push people away. there for i will be lonely.
i dont knwo im trying to say what exactly the future has in store for me, i dont knwo that for a fact. thats just how i feel now. im just really confused

Hence the thread "I'm confused"
ugh
my post are run arounds and i feel that as the days go on im no longer making much sence

SAM, I AM SO PROUD OF YOU FOR COMING HERE TO SHARE YOUR JOURNEY. I DO THINK YOU ARE MORE CAPABLE THAN YOU THINK...AND I THINK I READ WHERE YOU DID ADMIT, THAT NONE OF US ARE GUARANTEED ONE MORE DAY...THIS IS A RULE I LIVE BY...AND I AM FAR BEYOND 18...LOL! Does this mean I am always right...NOT...but maybe this will give you food for thought: If you want to raise your child there are many programs and services to make that possible. Parenting and life skill classes ARE available. Some programs offer housing for mothers & their babies. The BOND between mother &child is stronger than any other on earth. If you break this bond, the consequencs will be more severe than you could ever imagine.. When a mother loses a child to adoption, it IS like losing a piece of herself...You may learn to live with it, but the pain ALWAYS remains! In MOST, cases it is a loss that is never completely resolved. MOST of us, and I feel this includes you Sam, are far stronger than we know, until we are tested. Even if raising your baby sounds beyond your ability, MOST Moms are able to meet the challenge and DO parent very well! There is nothing selfish about wanting to raise your baby, it IS perfectly normal and right that you should WANT that. Motherhood changes a women FOREVER, There is NO going back to ones former self, WETHER, you parent or not, there is no going back, and you sound so determined not to! Parenting at a young age , and doing it well, is very possible. Becoming a MOM often motivates you to be MORE responsible...for the sake of your child. Do you think you aren't ready to parent....Mother Nature/GOD thought you were! You do have time to prepare yourself to become a parent. Remember, too, that fertility does not last forever,(no matter our age), when you FEEL ready to be a mom, it may or may not come along! Adoptive Parents are not perfect people IMMUNE from all of lifes problemsand issues. They have money, alcohol, and drug problems just like EVERYONE else. Maybe their issues do NOT surface in a homestudy, OR their problems MIGHT develop later on...AFTER they have already adopted ! Adoptive parents die and divorce, just like you and I. Alot of people say the PAIN after relinquishment will get better, and you will move on...for SOME natural Moms , this happens....Other Moms say the pain gets worse as time goes on and they have great difficulty TRYING to move on with their lives. But for some...their anguish and pain is debiltating and lifelong! SAM , I am not trying to tell you what to do...because you are smart enough to handle your life, as is evident in all your post....But no one told me these thing, and the pain of relinquishing my twin sons HAS lasted for 22 yrs! Yes, all of us First Moms do go on and we do manage to live A life to some degree, happily! But we never get over the loss of our child(ren). Please keep posting, for regardless, we care AND DO , understand....I send this with only much affection and serenity!

[jp4ga]

I wish you were not so confused, it makes things really hard when you think you know what to do one minute, but then doubt yourself the next. If you are in school (high or college) you should be able to talk with a guidance counselor that may be able to guide you to some services that may be helpful to you. I know the school I work at has a wonderful counselor that will help young ladies find the resources they need for pregancy and beyound.

I do know this, there are many people on this board who have been in your shoes, they can be a source of strength when you feel you need a shoulder to cry on. Ask your questions, post your thoughts, it will all help you work through this. Wish I could help you in some way, know this you are in my thoughts and I hope all the best for you.

[taramayrn]

Sam your posts make perfect sense. We are here for you. Many of us have been where you are.

[Samonster]

im feeling that as my post go i need to be completly honest with my entire situation, uh honest is not the word, id say explain a bit more. for starters yes i do have a doctor and i make "dang" sure to keep and make every appt and i knwo there are housing options out there.. i am not in school anymore i got my GED a year ago, im starting college in the fall
(btw that has NOTHING to do with this plan, i just signed up today)
I have no place to live as in homeless (duh) bouncing around from place to place well not really wanting to bounce around but i have no other choice...ive been approved for this rental thingy the guy is dicken me around so to speak.. i have no job ( im the size of a house) and itd be pointless to get a job work for a couple of weeks and then expect to have my job after the birth of my daughter.. thats just fooolish thinking and there are NO jobs up here and i have no vehical to even get to a job if i had one, i have my permit but no ones car to use to take the road test... i have absoulty NO family in this "po-dunk" state and my only friend is having a baby of her own probably the 31st of this month and i wont ask her for help and even if i did it would get me no where..so you could say i really dont have any friends my mother is in jail my fathers dead, everyone i knwo is in mass and are pretty much drug addicts...so when i say im alone..im not lying or kidding or trying to get some sort of pitty to go this huge ego trip.. ive never realllly had anyone.. it gets to me at times and other times i could care less and to honest i think, no i know i much better off alone... i dont push people away, im not mean, i dont do nasty things to people, i dont talk about people, im not saying im the holy grail... i can be mean if you want me to be... other then that i dont give anyone a reason to be mad at me... people just get sick of me and thats what ive come to think
i mean years and years of people just walking away and leaving you alone, how could you think any different?
you cant... and i dont mean just "people" i mean family like mom, dad, sister..the important people..

they all just walk away and i just sit and wait and wait some more for them to come back

because i love them and need them so badly it seems that there better off without me i had to have done something wrong in my life somewhere made a wrong turn.. said the wrong thing.maybe something so simple as of just not listening...i dont know, i could sit here and type out my life story to you folks but its rather Vulgar, you probably wouldnt even believe me, haha

im not detest to the idea of rasing my baby one bit id love to,

the reason why i dont talk about it is because I KNOW what i need to do though it be something i dont want.
my life is not in order and i will not allow myself to do that to my daughter. i knwo i dont knwo everything.
hell im just a baby myself.. but i knwo what she needs and im not saying i wont feel the pain, im feeling it now.
itll probably get worse, im ready for that, i havent accepted, but i understand completly.. and thats a start.

ive always wanted a family and i have one may it be small and only concist of Opal and I thats enough for me, But thats not enough for her.

I love Opal, so much.
I have to let her go.


I thought that If I let you out, you could be better then what your all about.

[calimomX3]

Hey Sam..Can you move away from where you are and get a fresh start? You need to make sure you are talking to someone about all of this and let the adoptive family know you are confused too, so they are not surprised if you change your mind..
Hey is that you in the pic as your icon?

[Samonster]

i vowed to my self that when i got to where i am today that i would no longer move around, and now that i will have my daughter here in this state i could not imagin leaving her behind. (so to speak)
i need to stop running and i need to have soild ground..
my whole if ive had to leave, run, move, etc, and it gets old, i dont need to start new anymore
i hate starting over, even if its for the good.
i have waay to much history here now, i smiply cannot just walk away...

and yes that is me in my icon being a dork haha

[cetalley]

Sam, It sounds as if you truly know what you want, this i am happy for. You mentioned that you will stay where you are at..for you have too much history there and besides you could not imagine leaving your daughter behind. Having said that, be aware that aparents do as you and I , sometimes divorce, get transfered to new jobs, new locations and yes sometimes move out of state. So do not think that your aughter(opal) will remain in the same place as you, and remember too that they can close the open-semi ,open adoption at any time and statics show this is done more times than not. I am happy this journey has led you to peace of knowing your child will have all you cannot give her at this time. But my sweetheart as 1 of the many Firstmoms here this decision will wiegh heavily in your heart for the rest of your life. Your due date should be coming soon, yes? Please post as often as you can, and remember when opal is born, you owe NOBODY anything ,no matter what you are told, the only one you owe is your precious daughter. I send this with Peace and Serenity Oh I almost forgot, your pic is one of beauty, and you are just as beautiful on the inside, for that i can tell, just from the love you have for your daughter.

[Samonster]

i do realise that because they live here now that will not live here forever.. ive kept that in mind, by the comfort ive build with these people is something ive never felt befor, i know things changs and they can change very quickly, but i have "trust" in them that they would inform me upon there leaving..and yes i have five more weeks to go

i find myself waking up on the middle of the night in a panic thinking "...**** i dont have a crib.."
its f'ed up and im not sure why i am doing this..
im scared. very for labor and not so much the letting go part i tend not to think about that part.. ill cross that bridge when i get to it...
ill be alone when i go into labor..
my mom wont be there
and that scares me too
i dont want to ba alone for this.

ive come to the conclusion that i think that i really actually am depressed i can keep lying to myself and this pregnancy isnt making it any easer to get a hold of my emotions..ugh

im like a blank canvas right now, im not sure exactly how i feel. im awfuly confused, yet i feel no need for confusement..huh

now a question i need answered..
how do you walk the same?
how do you sleep the same?
how do you breath the same?
once there gone..
how do you fit in your clothes?
do you still try and look good?
how do you eat not for two anymore?
how do you remember?
do you try and forget?
once there gone?


how am i going to sleep once shes gone?

[kakuehl]

I forget, are you receiving counseling?

Everyone grieves in their own way and my experience was different from yours. I did have my parents to support me at the time (although no one was in labor and delivery with me). It's been 36 years and I have never forgotten. The funny thing is you don't look different to others. You walk the way you did before you got pregnant, you breathe the same way, you where the same clothes (at least I did), and life goes on. You will have choices to make about your life. How will you grieve, how will you act, will you try to make a life for yourself? Some birth moms fall apart and get into drugs, drink, etc; others see it as a wake up call to get their lives together, to be someone their child can be proud of. Life will continue. The memories come and go, there are bad days and good days. Do try to find support and counseling.

[paigeturner]

Like any tough choice in life, you will not be the same. The decision will shape your life moving forward. You will breath, but sometimes it will feel like there is a weight on your chest. You will walk, but sometimes you will feel weary. You'll get dressed, but sometimes you won't like who you see in the mirror. You'll laugh and at first you might feel guilty for doing so. You'll feel joy and pain. But, you will get through this. This too will pass. And you won't be the same. But you can be better. You can make choices to grow. To grab life. To grab opportunity.

I hope you can find counseling. Come back here. People care.

[JustPeachy]

I wish you weren't so alone there! And I wish you would have someone to go to for counseling. Are there resources in your area you could go to for help?

It is not easy to go through this by yourself, but know that at least we are here to try to help.

now a question i need answered..
how do you walk the same?
how do you sleep the same?
how do you breath the same?
once there gone..
how do you fit in your clothes?
do you still try and look good?
how do you eat not for two anymore?
how do you remember?
do you try and forget?
once there gone?

how am i going to sleep once shes gone?

For me, the first year was definitely the hardest. Sleeping wasn't so much an issue, but just getting through the day was hard, especially in the first few weeks post-partum, when all my hormones were all over the place. I hadn't signed papers yet, so I still had time to make my decision with a clear head.

What helped me immensely (and I would recommend this to you) was getting counseling. I also went back to work so I wasn't sitting around the house all day. I had a support system in my friends and I did go back in many ways to being a regular teen/young adult. But that first year, in particular, was incredibly hard. I just allowed myself to feel my feelings, cried when I needed to, talked when I needed to, and wrote a LOT in my journal. I also wrote letters and poems to my son. Oh, and music was a very important part of my life at the time. I listened to a lot of my albums (I know I'm really dating myself with revealing that!) over and over. Certain songs really spoke to me at that time.

I think it's important to allow yourself to grieve. And be kind and gentle to yourself. Do nice things for yourself, even if they are simple things. You will have days where you are feeling stronger and days where you just fall apart (one of those days for me was in the middle of the drugstore--I just let the tears flow, what else could I do?). But you need an outlet. A healthy outlet, that will allow healing. This can be meditation, prayer, doing artwork, physical activity, writing, playing or hearing music, etc. All of these things can be done on your own or with others. Unhealthy ways to deal with a loss would be using drugs or alcohol to numb the pain, self-harm, stuffing your feelings, etc.

I didn't fit into my clothes for a long time! But I did still want to look and feel pretty. Your body will naturally go back to just eating for one. You won't be so hungry all the time. I would add here that exercise is also good for not only physical health, but helping with overall mental well-being. If you can manage it, I would try to exercise, even just go for a walk to clear your head.

I wouldn't force myself to try to forget anything. You don't want to stuff your feelings. I think it went easier for me at the time because I really felt I was making the best decision and knew my son was in good hands. Yes, I know now it was a huge risk, in that the aparents could have turned out not to be the best, but they truly were wonderful parents, and at the time, I had a gut feeling about them and trusted them, and was also blessed with a good agency and caseworkers/counselors.

Try to take things one day at a time. It must be very scary to face this without a lot of support, but maybe if you break it into smaller steps, it will be more manageable for you. Right now, try to get some more info about labor/delivery and what to expect. Can your doctor provide some info or books for you to read? Is there anyone you can ask to see if someone can accompany you during your labor, maybe even a nurse's aide or a social worker to be there with you? You've got so much on your mind right now (naturally so), but it is too overwhelming to think about it all at once and try to figure it all out. Don't feel you have to have this all sorted through before your baby comes. Please give yourself all the time you need.